9A/N: For Sanch (Eternally Seventeen). Thank you for entering the John Green Appreciation Competition, for reviewing my work and for generally being so nice. I hope you like this! :)
"He can't come back, Harry. He can't come back because he's d-" Remus is glad that Harry's shout stops him from finishing that sentence, because saying it out loud seems impossible. He's in shock and just barely holding himself together as it is.
He takes several deep breaths, pushing aside his pain just like he's always done, and his next thought is for Tonks. Where is she? He searches frantically, fear bubbling in his stomach. Please, not her. I can't bear to lose her. He is momentarily relieved when he spots her, bright hair impossible to miss against the dark floor. Mad-Eye is attempting to revive her; she'll be fine. He has to believe it.
Remus knows that Tonks has slowly become a large part of his life, and yet it's only now that he realises just how much he depends on her, when the prospect of losing her, or not seeing her as often as he has for the past year, suddenly becomes a very real and painful possibility.
He shifts his focus to Neville and the others with an enormous effort and tears his eyes away from Tonks' prone form.
There's work to be done, and he gets on with it, perpetually conscious that his one and only remaining friend, the woman he cares for (loves) more than anyone else hangs somewhere between life and death, and every moment he's not by her side is a moment wasted.
The first time he visits her, the next day, Mad-Eye is already there, standing sentry by the door. "Have a seat," he says to Remus, gesturing to the single chair next to the bed. Remus lowers himself into a sitting position automatically, completely focused on Tonks, who looks so small and vulnerable in a hospital gown, such a contrast to her usual presence, larger than life and almost fearless.
"The Healers say she should wake up in a few days," Mad-Eye reports, and Remus nods to show he's heard. There's nothing more to say, so the rest of their vigil passes in silence. Mad-Eye leaves a little later, but Remus stays until the Healers kick him out, reluctant to say goodbye to the only person who tethers him to reality.
Her parents are there the second time he visits, looking pale and tired and inexpressibly concerned. "Oh," he says awkwardly, as he pushes open the door and sees them, starting to back away, "sorry. I didn't realise she already had visitors, I'll come back."
"That's okay Remus, we were just leaving anyway. We'd appreciate it if you stayed with her, I can't stand the thought of her being alone any more than she has to be. I know she's unconscious, but still…"
"Of course, I'd be happy to stay." He's surprised that Andromeda remembers him, they'd only met a couple of times during his years at Hogwarts, and he's equally surprised that she nor Ted show any outward reluctance about having a werewolf visit their daughter.
As he watches their figures retreat through the door, he reasons that they are a rather controversial match themselves, a Black and a Muggle-born, and the fact that they'd raised someone as open-minded as Tonks really makes a lot of sense. Remus is unexpectedly grateful to the two of them for bringing someone so extraordinary into the world and into his life.
The third time he visits, she wakes up, and he gets to sit with her alone for some time, holding one of her limp hands in a brave gesture he would never make if Tonks were conscious.
"Remus?" She says groggily, slowly returning to wakefulness, tightening her hand around his.
"Welcome back to the world," he says, and in spite of the way Sirius' death sits heavy in his chest, he finds himself smiling at her, for the first time since it happened.
She frowns, taking in her surroundings. "I'm in St. Mungo's, aren't I? What happened, are Harry and the others okay?"
"Yes, Harry and the others are fine." He deliberately avoids mentioning Sirius, hoping to spare her the knowledge for as long as possible.
Her eyes narrow suspiciously, he should have known better than to try and fool an Auror, especially one as clever as the woman in front of him. "Remus, what aren't you telling me?"
He can't answer her; he knows he has to tell her, he just can't do it. He doesn't want to watch her face, so open and earnest and full of trust in him, of all people, crumple with loss and the realisation that her favourite cousin is dead, and Remus is to blame.
"Remus?" She prompts him, sounding genuinely alarmed now. "Please don't keep me in the dark, whatever it is, I deserve to know."
"Sirius - " he begins, hearing his voice crack and feeling his heart break a little with the truth of what he's about to say. "Sirius is dead." There, he's done it; the words are out his mouth, pushed into the world where they don't belong, where "Sirius" and "dead" should never have had to be in the same sentence.
"What? How – how could that have happened?"
His eyes still fixed firmly on his knees, he answers. "He was – duelling with Bellatrix, and – he lost. She got him with a Killing Curse, right in his chest."
It must hit her all of the sudden, because, though she doesn't let go of his hand, Remus can hear her crying, loud, messy sobs that add an extra layer to his own pain. He's never had anyone to mourn with before, never known anyone who has loved someone he's lost as much as he had, and while there's some small comfort in knowing that Tonks understands his hurt, he doesn't anticipate how much he hates the idea of her suffering so much, and all because of his inability to act as a true friend would.
Remus expects her to wrench her hand from his, bracing himself for another loss, the most painful one of all. Instead, she places her other hand on top of his and fixes her gaze on him, which he can sense, but doesn't have the courage to meet.
"It's all my fault! If I hadn't been so weak, if I had've finished Bellatrix, she'd never have fought Sirius, and then he would still be here. I don't expect you to forgive me, Remus, but I am so unbelievably sorry."
Her words are so unexpected that he looks up at her, taken aback. "Your fault? If anyone's to blame here, it's me. Sirius listened to me, most of the time. I shouldn't have let him come to the Ministry at all, Dumbledore always maintained how dangerous it was for Sirius to leave the house, and he was right. And I was the one who let him go… Why? Of all the things I've done, of all the mistakes I could have made, why that?"
"Remus," she says, her voice filled with a sadness he has never heard in it before. "There was nothing you could have done. You were the greatest friend he could have asked for, and you're certainly the greatest friend I've ever had."
The fact that she still values him so much brings warmth back into Remus' soul, as though living has suddenly become something to look forward to, something worthwhile. Anything, he realises, seems worthwhile if she's the one he's with.
"There was nothing you could have done," he tells her with conviction. He won't let her blame herself for something that was so clearly out of her control.
To his surprise, she bursts into a fit of raucous laughter, snorting and clutching her sides, still sore and healing. "What's so funny?"
Through her giggles, she explains. "I think it's my fault, and you think it's your fault. I'm reassuring you, and you're reassuring me, and yet neither one of us can reassure ourselves. We're ridiculous!"
And even though there's nothing remotely funny about the last few days, her laughter is infectious, and Remus finds himself joining in. They laugh until there's no breath left in their lungs, they laugh until there's nothing left for them to do except cry, and then they do that too, holding each other tightly as if to ascertain that neither one of them has to do this alone.
Tonks has her arms around his neck, her tears are staining his clothes and Remus is crying too, for all the pain he's ever felt, and all the people he's ever lost. It hurts more than anything he's felt before, so much that it's almost physical. Yet there's something buried beneath it all, a burgeoning spark he notices as they sit together, and it's stronger than the ache in his heart.
It's a sense of possibility, of a future that holds something better. It's hope, and it's the only thing he has, and still it's enough, more than enough to keep him going. Sirius is gone, having taken a part of Remus with him. Tonks though, she's still alive, warm and real and resting against him and with her by his side, Remus will be okay.
Written for:
The Latin Challenge – Sperus (hope)
The tearjerker Challenge
The All Sorts of Love Competition – cross-gen
The Hugs and Happiness Challenge - Sanch!
The Fantastic Beasts Challenge - Troll