AN: Got this in my head at 3 in the morning and it was just one of those ideas where you would forget them the moment your head hits the pillow. Anyway AAU belongs to c2ndy2c1d and of course I don't own EEnE.

P.S. threw in some kevedd because I enjoy this ship entirely too much.

Edd sat comfortably in his over stuffed arm chair, going over his latest research on the new mob bosses popping up like daisies around the Triple E's territory, when his private cell vibrated. Giving a highly irritated tsk he tossed the files on the desk only to rush over to neatly fold and stack the papers properly before answering the infernal buzzing.

Eddward had changed since that fateful day. The so-called teachers would literally beat the meekness out of him. Hesitation became an extreme rarity not fit for his line of business. Still, he was the same OCD, polite, sweet, slightly ADHD, and all the other qualities he had as a child; but now Edd donned a smirk that held both disgust and amusement. His voice neutralizing to an overly sweet tenor, as if speaking with a child with little to no intelligence. Patience wore thin some days, those sassy remarks Double D was prone to as a child were now turned into a bullet to the head or a well sterilized scalpel in the eye. (Rumor has it that Double D was responsible for Rolf's missing eye).

Eddward was feeling like surgically removing some one's spleen with a rusty spoon and no local anesthesia as of late, too much work and not enough play makes Eddward a dull boy indeed. However, the voice on the line made him a stumbling buffoon, and not in the cute way. "N-Nazz? How-how may I be of assistance?" his tone one of surprise.

Crackling and gunshot followed by multiple bodies hitting the floor and the sound of the phone being picked up once more was the answer he got. Edd, not phased in the least, waited patiently for someone to answer, this was a common occurrence now a days. It always amazed him how much they all had changed, yet their personalities remained relatively unscathed. Ed was a perfect example. That lovable oaf, too naïve and innocent to kill, but loyal and observational to a fault. Plus his muscle came in handy every once in a while.

His reverie was broken by a rough familiar voice, "Hey Double Dork."

…Kevin. How Edd could strangle that man right now.

"Kevin. You have a lot of nerve to call me after what you've done!" Edd's voice became acidic, just one drop and you'd be disintegrating at a molecular level.

"Chill Babe. Listen I got a job for you..." Kevin sounded a tad bit nervous. Of course he would never admit that out loud, especially with Nazz and several goons laying about.

"This better be good Pumpkin." Kevin gulped, Double D only ever used that tone if he was in trouble or horny. He didn't sound horny.

"Ah, ya. Well…. me and Nazz," Edd's hand tightened dangerously on the receiver, "got a couple of guys who ain't talkin' s-so we -er I was wondering if Eddy needs any spare organs to sell on the Black Market. We-we also need a cleaning crew… if, if that's alright with you." Kevin rushed hearing the phone creak. Edd wasn't as physically adept as everyone else; however, he still possessed enough strength to knock you through a wall if need be.

"I'll send a cleaning crew and Ed to pick up our patients." Edd ended the call there, not wanting to speak to that man at the moment.

After all, not only did he intentionally skip out on several dates to be with Nazz, he "accidentally" burned down several of his labs. Edd narrowed his eyes, a darkness creeping into his mind as he thought of his dear Kevin's newest escapade. "Oh he will pay."


Edd was his natural kind sweetness to Ed who carried the first victim -er I mean patient in to the room. Come the entrance of Kevin and Nazz, the atmosphere immediately turned cold, they to carried people.

"Here ya go Double D!" Ed exclaimed holding out the unconscious man like a child showing his parent a new toy.

"Very good Ed. You know what to do." Edd answered.

"Okie Dokie!" Ed began strapping the waking man to the surgical table. Kevin and Nazz did the same.

All three… guests were now awake. "Now gentlemen, shall we begin?" Edd picked up a very shiny and sharp scalpel, "For each question you refuse to answer, I will cut into your body and surgically remove one of your organs." Edd placed a mask on and tied his apron. "I will inform you that no local anesthesia will be used." Eddward stared Kevin in the eye, "Proceed with the questioning Pumpkin."

Before Ed slipped out and when Double D was stating his intentions to the terrified subjects, Ed snuck over to his two childhood friends, "Be careful guys. Double D is not in a good mood today." his voice trembled slightly. The last time one of the Ed's pissed Edd off, the sassy smart ass shot off Eddy's middle toe. Both Kevin and Ed were there, it was not a pretty sight.

"Bye oh very intelligent one! Rolf has new chicken ghosts I want to pet!" Ed waved enthusiastically as he left.

"Good bye Ed." the overly sweet voice answered.

The questionable interrogations began. The room, which smelt of ammonia and bleach, was a pristine white and reflective sliver. Each silver refracted the light so perfectly that is only seemed to compliment how white Double D kept his surgery room. Behind the mask, Edd held such an interesting expression, his eyes not unlike the stars at the moment. Several times Nazz had to finish questions for him because he'd get lost in those deep blue-green eyes so focused on their owner's messy task.

At the last man, Edd's eye no longer held the sparkle of excitement they held a man and a half ago, they shone with such bored and.. is that anger? Nazz assumed it was because the mess human bodies create and the constant screaming and pleading each man-made. Everyone knew how anal Edd is with loud noises and messes. Edd hit an artery to finish off the last man, as they had finished their questioning, and purposely angled the spray so it gushed onto Nazz's very expensive tailor-made kimono.

"Goodness Nazzerie!" Edd exclaimed in that sugar-coated voice Kevin loved so much, "I did not know you were standing there! Why I thought you were standing quite close to Kevin so that there was no one standing there! You should really go wash that out immediately." only Kevin could hear the glee in that supposedly concerned and sorrowful voice.

"No worries dude!" Nazz waved it off obliviously buying into Edd's act. "I need a shower anyway."

By the time they were done Edd's smock was covered in all matter of human insides. He had successfully removed three pairs of kidneys, two hearts, three livers, one brain, and two spleens he had to take care of before they were no longer useful. Not that Eddy would care as long as he got the cash.

"You didn't have to do that you know." Kevin said once Nazz was gone.

"I don't know what you are talking about." feigning innocence. A card the Ed's played well. While Eddy dealed his hands in skilled manipulation and dirty deals, it didn't mean Edd didn't know how to bend people to his own will.

While Kevin gathered his courage to speak with his angry dork, said dork had already placed the harvested organs in their correct bins and had the entire room pristine white leaving the bodies in body bags for Ed to dispose of later.

"Look Edd, I'm so-" Kevin eventually stammered out.

"Not another word Kevin Barr." Edd snapped his soiled latex gloves off, throwing them into the hazard bin along with his apron and surgical mask. Miraculously his snow-white suit remained spotless. He was feeling quite hurt and angry at the moment, "I expect you to be home at promptly seven pm. Not a second late. Got that Pumpkin?"

Kevin nodded dumbly, scared stiff of the shorter man's glare. 'How can I be scared of that dork?'

Kevin entered his and Edd's wing of the mansion at 6:58, just to be safe. Really it was just a bunch of houses stuck together with the same exterior all around and a huge property with separate warehouses for each individuals use. But that wasn't the time for architecture, he had an ass to kiss. Hopefully literally in the throes of passion tonight if he played his cards right.

Stealthily Kevin snuck in checking every corner at least twice before moving on, till he found Double D in the kitchen cooking dinner. The digital clock on the stove read 6:59.

"Cutting it close now aren't we Pumpkin?" Edd called not even turning away from the hot stove.

"We-well you see Nazz and I-"

Edd slammed the sauce pan down on the stove splattering dinner over the sides. And just when he thought he had his anger under control "I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THAT-THAT" Edd struggled for the appropriate words, his normal cheerful exterior whipped clean by a terrifying red and pissed expression. "TRAMP!"

Kevin's eyes widened, "Whoa take it easy Double D. I know I missed a few dates and-"

"A FEW DA-" Edd fumed, an aneurysm was sure to pop at any moment. "I HAVEN'T SEEN OR HEARD FROM YOU IN MONTHS! AND YOU HAVE THE AUDACITY TO CALL ME TO FINISH YOUR JOB!"

"Is that what you are mad about? That my mission took so long?" Kevin raised his voice his own anger seeping in.

"NO YOU ASS!" Edd picked up the butcher knife and threw it at Kevin. The red-head thanked what ever deity was in his favor that Double D had terrible aim. "I'M NOT ANGRY, I'M FURIOUS! I HAVE INTELGENCE REPORTS THAT YOU AND THAT TRAMP WERE IN BED TOGETHER!" Edd picked up another knife.

'Oh gawd.' Kevin thought, "D-Double D it's not what you think, I promise!" he shouted nervously.

The fight or flight response kicked in as Eddward drew his skinny arm back to throw the deadly kitchen tool, Kevin drew his gun and fired.

Eddward had always been good at dodging things. Whether it be dodge balls, water balloons, punches, or… bullets. Edd was the only person he knew of that he couldn't shoot. His far beyond advanced intelligence allowed him to calculate the trajectory of the bullet faster than it takes to pull the trigger.

Edd had poor Kevin pinned to the wall by his throat, leaving the gun to scatter away and a missing bullet. He was going to hear about that later, if he gets out of this alive that is. Edd squeezed enough where breathing became difficult but not impossible. Kevin gasped and coughed too dazed to think about using his superior strength to over power his angry lover.

"Then, pray tell, tell me what I think it really is then Pumpkin." Eddward growled.

Kevin coughed, "It started when we went to that party to assassinate that big shot from Toronto. Nazz got drunk and she was trying to force herself on me. What was I suppose to do? I couldn't just leave her alone, I took her to her hotel room. That was it I swear. We didn't do anything!"

As Kevin told his story Edd's hand loosened with each passing word till Kevin's feet were safely planted on the carpeted floor and he could once again able to breathe freely.

"I will accept this explanation on one condition." Edd said all honey and sugar a sweet smile showing his adorable gaped teeth.

"And what's that dork?" Kevin's composure once again restored to its former glory.

"Come eat dinner." Edd lead him to the table already set up all pristine and clean as usual. Double D tsked and lightly griped about the mess on the stove and the two kitchen knives jutting out from the wall.

Kevin chose to ignore the suspicious smile Edd now wore as he served him his food. The sharp shooter took a spoonful of dinner and quite literally bit the bullet. Eddward giggle cutely as Kevin placed the bullet on a napkin. 'Well, at least there's not another hole on the wall...'

It was then he noticed that Edd hadn't even touched his food let alone his eating utensils.


He knew better than to eat Edd's cooking after an argument.


Kevin woke with the feeling of something missing. A quick glance around told him three things. One: it was nine am. Two: he was in their bed. Three: his dorky lethal lover hadn't kill him… yet. "Ugh~" something still felt odd though.

"Are you awake Pumpkin?" Edd called entering the room dressed in casual clothes.

"Yah." Kevin attempted to sit up only to double over and become very aware of the stabbing pain in his side. Eddward slid a sly grin into place. "Wha-what did you do?" Kevin seethed, holding his stitched side, boyfriend or not he was going to kill the dork, "What's missing? What did you take?"

Edd had some how sat in his lap undetected pushing Kevin back onto the bed before he could make a protest. The sock-head placed the heel of his palm onto the wound while the other hand worked on soothing his side. Kevin winced and gritted his teeth together.

"Just your appendix Pumpkin." Double D took the hand that was soothing him and gently messaged the sniper through his pants.

"Th-that's a -uh useless organ r-right?" Kevin asked getting flustered. Three months with out the physical contact of your lover sure makes a guy desperate.

"Yes it is. Very good Pumpkin." Edd pressed hard into the wound making Kevin cry out harshly. His beginning hard-on deflating. The hand that gave him attention harshly gripped his junk making a whimper crawl out of Kevin's dry throat.

Kevin, too weak to push off his sudden heavy lover due to what ever sedative Edd had use, struggled to wiggled out of the unforgiving caress.

Double D's hand squeezed tightly. Kevin screamed, what ever the drug that was in his system was, it was intensifying his pain. 'Okay, the dork is as good as dead when this is over.' "And if you ever pull a stunt like that again Kevin, I'll make sure to take something very important." Edd squeezed Kevin's junk extra hard, his expression very akin to a demon's. Kevin had tears flowing down his high cheek bones like rivers.

"I promise Edd I promise! Please Eddward anything, I'll do ANYTHING! JUST PLEASE DON'T- NOT THAT! PLEASE LET GO!" the red head choked returning to pitiful drug induced sobs.

Edd let go soothing wounds and feeling just a tad bit sorry for hurting his one and only. "Good boy." Eddward re-stitched and gauzed Kevin, and kissed his forehead lovingly. "Get some sleep Kevin." he tucked the exhausted man in.

"Where are you going Double D?" Kevin asked already falling back asleep.

"I'm going out, I hear Nazz enjoys her tea at this time. I think I'll pay our dear friend a visit while you recover." Kevin's muddled mind couldn't comprehend the double meaning to his words.

Everyone stayed clear of Double D having heard the awful soul wrenching screams coming from their rooms.

Nazz was later found in her room, knocked out by what ever anesthesia Edd had used to take her appendix. Oh well, Nazz was planning on having Eddward remove it for precaution anyway.

AN: If I missed crediting anyone I'm sorry please forgive me.

I feel like Edd would have insecurities about being with Kevin. Like he'll feel like Kevin would cheat on him because he thinks he's not good enough or something.

I made Edd's eyes blue-green because there is so much speculation on his eye color that I simply compromised. Canon they are green, most popular fanfiction they are blue.

About Kevin's explanation… I know it's lame, but I really couldn't think of anything ya. Kevin DID NOT cheat on Double D BTW.

All the other AAU! I've read always have the Ed's total buffoons and I don't like it. Plus I really like the "Surgeon of Death" Double D a lot.