AN: thanks to the anonymous guest who left me a review! Sorry I didn't update sooner, life got in the way, I'm afraid, but chapter four had been finished for a while. Glad to hear it's got a follower and that you like it so much! Hope you enjoy!
When Castiel woke the next morning, he tried to remember what Dean had told him as he held him through the night. Small bits and pieces were coming back, something about the worst campsite known to man, someone named Jess screaming loudly in the middle of the night, waking up the whole campsite. He couldn't remember why, but remembered feeling Dean chuckle. There'd been a long list of favourite things of his, most of which he didn't remember or had never even heard of.
Dean seemed to know an awful lot about him, it made him wonder about him. What was their relationship? What had the guy that didn't have a seven and a half years memory gap known about Dean? Had that guy known all his favourites, his hopes, his fears, his dreams? Castiel couldn't really explain it rationally, but he felt drawn towards this man. As he was thinking this and many other things over, Dean started stirring next to him.
'Good morning, Dean,' Cas said, turning slightly so he could see the other man open his eyes. As Dean did that, Cas took a sharp breath. He hadn't realized how green his eyes were, or how, when the light was just right, it seemed like there were flecks of gold in them. Or how many freckles Dean had. Or how nicely shaped his lips were.
'G'dmorning, Cas. Well… this is awkward. I slept in your bed, cuddled up with you and you don't even know me.' Castiel blushed at that, Dean had a point. But did Castiel mind? No, not really. He was the one that had asked Dean to come over in the middle of the night, after all. He had been the one who had asked Dean to do what he'd normally do, if Castiel still remembered him.
'Good morning. Did you sleep alright?' Castiel asked, smiling at how Dean tried to get his eyes to focus on him as he was so close. Dean smiled back, bringing up a hand to ruffle Castiel's hair, causing him to blush harder.
'Yeah, decent enough. What about you? No more nightmares?' Castiel shook his head, he'd slept very well after Dean had tucked him in against his side. 'That's good. Really good. Well, I'm going to go and get some coffee and some breakfast if that's okay with you. Can I get you anything?'
Dean tried to untangle himself from Castiel and the blankets, but found one particular part of his body not letting go of Cas. Their hands were linked, fingers entwined. Raising an eyebrow he looked at Cas, wondering how that had happened. Judging by the flabbergasted look on his face and the fact his blush was spreading to his ears and down his neck, Cas hadn't been aware of it either.
'Sorry,' Cas mumbled, pulling his hand back. Dean gave a small smile. He might not now know it had happened, but the fact Castiel hadn't been aware of it either made him feel a bit better.
'Don't worry about it. So, can I get you anything? The usual?' Dean repeated, forgetting for the moment Cas probably wouldn't know what "the usual" would be. He got up and out of the bed, putting on his shoes and coat.
'A cappuccino with two sugars would be great, thanks.' Dean gave a big grin at that, so maybe Cas did remember some things. When they had met, Cas refused coffee altogether, and it hadn't been until they lived together that he'd allowed Dean to experiment on him to see what he liked. They ended up with cappuccino with two sugars.
'The usual it is. I'll be right back,' Dean said with a wink before exiting the room.
Dean's departure left Castiel to his own thoughts. They'd been holding hands. He'd noticed before Dean had woken up, but hadn't let go. It had felt familiar, right. The fact that things felt familiar and right and wrong and all these other stupid things were driving him crazy. They felt right or wrong, but there was no reason why. There was no memory behind why it felt right. Cappuccino with two sugars "felt right". He'd said it without thinking. He never drank coffee. Earl Grey was his preferred hot drink.
How the fuck was he supposed to make sense of things like this!? Just "knowing" things but not knowing why?! It was so frustrating and he wanted to see a doctor that could actually tell him how to proceed from here and what to do and what not to do. How likely it would be his memory would return and if it ever would. Thinking all this over made Castiel frustrated and moody.
As Dean walked towards the café that sold proper coffee he mulled last night over in his head. Cas had seemed uncomfortable when he arrived, but that had faded quickly as they had hugged and he'd held Cas close. He'd woken up to find Cas staring at him, which, on its own wasn't that strange, but considering he didn't remember Dean, it was. And then the coffee, what was that about? Dean hoped the neurologist would come to visit that day to give some clarity because all these questions were driving him up the wall.
After getting his order and paying for it Dean walked back towards Cas' room, wondering what Cas thought of him, what he wanted from him and where he stood when it came to Cas.
When Dean entered the room, Castiel was pulled out of his bad mood a little bit. Dean handed him his coffee and he took it gratefully, quickly taking a sip. He moaned – actually moaned – around his first sip. It felt like he hadn't had coffee in ages and he had forgotten how good it was. How Dean knew exactly –
'Cas, you okay?' Dean interrupted his thoughts, worry showing on his face.
'Yeah, just thinking. Everything's so confusing and I just want some things to just make sense, you know?' Dean nodded.
'You're not the only one. How about I go harass someone about that neurologist they're supposed to send to you, after I finish my coffee, that is?' Castiel nodded, thankful that Dean was willing to do that for him. He sank back into thoughts, occasionally sipping his coffee.
'Dean? Can I ask you something?' Dean was pulled from his own thoughts by the sudden question. It had been silent for quite a while and he had been trying to figure out what he was going to ask the neurologist.
'Sure, shoot,' he replied, looking up at Castiel, noticing he was turning his wedding ring around his finger.
'God, sorry, this is a weird question to ask… I couldn't help but notice the similarity in the ring I wear and the one you're wearing.' Dean nodded, trying to encourage Cas to ask the question he felt was coming. 'Are we… I mean… are you… am I…'
'Yes, Castiel. We are married. I am your husband and you're mine. We got married in August,' Dean provided as Cas didn't seem able to form the question.
'Oh. Right. Okay.' Dean frowned a little.
'Why, is that –'
'Dean, I might have lost my memory, but I'm not completely stupid. I know I'm gay and from the amount of care you've shown me in the – well, since I woke up, I figured we were close. I don't know how to explain it, but things just feel kind of… right, when you're around. I don't remember you, or getting married in August or who was present or what our history is together, but I know that having you around makes me feel less… less uncomfortable, in a way. I feel… safer, I think, with you around. Like – more like I can handle this, like I'll be able to overcome this and move on, you know? Does that make any sense?' Dean couldn't help the tears that were streaming down his face. Cas had said pretty much the same thing when they'd confessed their love for each other. 'Why are you crying? Did I say something wrong?' Dean shook his head, wiping his tears away.
'No, you didn't say anything wrong. It's just… I'm sorry that this is going to sound so weird and I know that you don't feel the same, but… I love you, Cas. I love you so much and what you just said, I know that it's weird for you and it's weird for me as well, but I'm glad that some of the feelings you had for me aren't completely gone. I mean, when I first told you I loved you, you weren't sure how you felt. You just knew that you felt comfortable around me, and that being around me made you feel safe, and that with me around, you'd be able to –' Dean couldn't bring himself to finish the sentence. He had given up on trying to make the tears stop. All the tension from the last few days was coming out, all the stress, the worry, the shock that Cas didn't remember him.
'Dean. Put down that cup and get your ass over here,' Castiel ordered as he watched the other man have a small breakdown. He didn't see Dean as a stranger anymore, he was a friend, if not more. The knowledge they were married and that Dean loved him was new, and it only added to the ever growing pile of things that were frustrating him because he didn't remember. But, he could put that aside for the moment. He felt a pull towards Dean, had felt it from the start. Going with that, for a lack of memories and knowledge about anything else, he felt compelled to try to comfort Dean. 'Dean. Get. Over. Here.' Castiel stopped trying to think of what to say or what to do, tried to go with whatever his body deemed the right thing to do. Extending his hand out towards Dean, he desperately tried to make Dean move. 'Dean, come on, please. Please make your way over here, I don't want to piss off the nurses and doctors by getting out of bed and I really need you to be right here next to me right now, okay? So please get moving.'
Dean slowly got to his feet, putting his cup down, and, while stumbling over his own feet, made his way to the bed, grabbing Cas' hand and sat down on the side of the bed. It wasn't enough, not to Castiel anyway, so he pulled himself into a sitting position and pulled Dean against him. He started murmuring comforting nonsense, not paying attention to what he was saying, just trying to comfort Dean.
Dean couldn't not relax when Cas' hand found its way to the short hair at the back of his neck and started playing around with it. Cas might not have a conscious memory of the effect, but his body certainly remembered how to make Dean relax.
Dean was pretty much convinced that Castiel wasn't paying attention whatsoever to what he was saying, because there were so many things that the old Cas would say to him seeping through. It wasn't long before Dean managed to get himself back together, embarrassed for breaking down like that in front of this Cas that didn't remember a single thing about him.
'Na-uh. Don't you dare do that to me, Dean Winchester,' came a low growl from Cas, startling them both.
'What… Cas, what was that?' Dean asked, baffled at what just happened.
'I… I don't know. I just…'
'Cas, I never even told you my last name,' Dean said, incredulous.
'I know. I just… I don't know, you seemed to… draw back into yourself or something and… well I didn't – don't - want that.' Cas shrugged and seemed to be as much at a loss as Dean was.
'Erm… okay? Well I appreciate the gesture, but I just… I don't want to dump all my… well, crap, on you right now. You've got enough on your mind without me breaking down on top of it, you know?' Dean said, trying to rationalize it not just for Cas, but also for himself. His Cas was gone, possibly forever, and this half stranger seemed to know intimate things about him but fuck all at the same time. It was tough and he didn't know how to deal with it. But he wasn't going to give up. He was going to drag himself and Cas through this, no matter what. Cas gave his shoulder a reassuring squeeze.
'I know, but Dean, we're married, I'm pretty sure that you're supposed to talk about things when you're married. And, well, you know, talk things out and stuff like that. I might not be… your Cas -'
'Bullshit. That's just fucking bullshit, don't you say that. You're still my Cas. No matter what. I still love you and – '
'Dean, you ass, let me finish. Look. I know that I'm not the person that you remember and that I might never remember who that is exactly, but that doesn't mean I don't want to try. I feel drawn to you, like I told you before. I want you around, Dean. It's confusing as fuck and even scarier than it is confusing, but that's what I want. That's what feels right. I assume we're living together and that I don't have a place of my own?' Cas interrupted, swatting Dean's arm lightly.
'Yes, we are. And no, we bought a house together. Why?' Dean asked, confused beyond belief and he couldn't believe his ears.
'Yeah, that's what I thought. Dean, when I get released from the hospital, if it's okay with you, I'd like to go home. And I mean our home, I can't say I remember anything about it, but I have this craving for "home", and when you're here with me, part of that craving gets satisfied. I want to see where we live, how we live.' Dean had to wipe tears away again, Cas didn't remember him, didn't remember their home, but still wanted to be with him. Still wanted to be in their home. 'Will you take me home, once I get released?' Cas asked, voice sincere and soothing.
'Yes, Cas. God, yes. I'll take you home as soon as possible.'
'Dean, listen. I know this is tough on you, but we've been together for seven years, you said?' Dean nodded. 'I want to at least give this a shot. I mean, I feel drawn to you and this kind of… ache when you're not here with me, and I want to explore that. I'm not trying to make it sound like you're an experiment, but I want to see where it takes me, where it takes us. I really hope you're up for it, because I'm kind of putting it all out here in the open and it doesn't make any sense to me so I can hardly expect it to make sense to you, but I just… I thought you should know.'
Castiel watched Dean's surprise grow. He was aware that what he described was pretty much being in love. But pretty much wasn't all the way. He didn't know how he felt, or what he wanted or needed exactly, but he knew that Dean was part of it, had to be part of it. When he noticed more tears making their way down those freckled cheeks he couldn't help but reach out and wipe them away. It broke his heart to watch Dean so sad. So broken, for a lack of better words. Castiel wasn't the only one who had taken a hit in this situation. It had affected Dean at least as much.
'Cas, not that I'm not glad that you're willing to try this and all, but you have to remember. I'm married to you and it's going to take some, or maybe a lot of time, for me to get used to you not remembering all these things about you, about me, about us. I mean, you're back to a point where I didn't even know you and I'm at this point where the love of my life kind of… disappeared. And I just… it hurts. I feel like you're a totally different person, yet so the same at the same time and it's fucking confusing and quite painful and –'
Castiel couldn't help himself. He felt the need to kiss all this doubt, this pain, away. And so he did. Dean's lips were soft against his, and he felt his eyes closed. His body remembered this. Small flashes, just out of reach images of sweet kisses, short kisses, long kisses, heated kisses, lazy kisses were filling his mind and he gasped.
Dean was beyond shocked to find Cas' lips covering his own. He'd been in the middle of a rant about how weird things were, when Cas did something so typical Cas he couldn't believe it. Castiel's lips were just like Dean remembered them, soft, warm, full of life. Then Cas gasped and pulled away, blue eyes filled with shock.
'Cas? What was that?'
'I… Dean, I… it was like this… kind of like a… I don't know, it felt like the right thing to do, kissing you and then these images, like… like one of those books filled with images, that when you flip the pages they form a movie. These images of us kissing just fleetingly filled my mind and, well I wouldn't call it remembering but I got these tiny flashes of us together and –' Castiel was interrupted by those soft lips against his own again, a small gasp escaping him yet again. It wasn't long before his eyes fluttered shut and his left hand found Dean's, lacing their fingers together, wedding rings rubbing against each other.
'Guys, a little help?' Sam said, bursting through the door and breaking up the kiss.
'Dude, timing. You have terrible, terrible timing,' Dean announced, drawing further back from Cas and giving his hand one last squeeze before saving Sam from the ridiculous amount of bags he was holding and the thermos he was clutching to his side. 'Is that what I think it is!?'
'That would be my trade mark hot chocolate, yes. And no, you can't have all of it. I read up on stuff that might trigger memories and smells and tastes are apparently really strong triggers. As Cas - good morning and how are you feeling, by the way - loooooooooooooves,' Sam swooned a little bit, exaggerating the o in loves, 'my hot chocolate. And we all know you're sucker for it.'
Dean chuckled as Cas raised his eyebrows, obviously a little confused. 'Good morning and yeah, I'm okay. You?'
Sam nodded. 'Yeah, good, good! Thanks! How did you sleep?' he asked as he emptied his arms onto the small table. 'Right, I gathered you were here already, Dean. I stopped by your house today, as I had an idea for breakfast. But you weren't there so I got some nice breakfast on my own and, well, there should be enough for all of us. I got pancakes, fruit, scrambled eggs, bacon, yoghurt, hash browns, sausages.'
'Woah, you really went the whole nine yards, didn't you?' Dean replied laughing, as he started to unpack the breakfast.
'Yeah, I slept well. Once Dean got here after my nightmare I slept fine. Yourself?' Sam raised an eyebrow at that, giving Dean a strange look.
'Just fine. A tad weird to sleep at mum and dad's again, and not having Jess next to me, but it was fine. Right who's hungry?'
Castiel eyed most of the food suspiciously, not entirely sure what his doctors would approve of. In the end he settled for the fruit, a small piece of a pancake, and a glass of orange juice. Once he watched Dean eat most of the other stuff and Sam throwing a fit because of that, he made a grab for the hot chocolate.
Dean watched Sam hold his breath as Cas took the first sip, trying to see if his theory would hold up.
'Oh my god.'