HEY TO MAH PEEPS!

So, it's been a loooooooooooong while since I've wrote anything, and, today, I'm less busy than usual, soooo, TA-DAAAA! This is my first oneshot! YAY! Exciting! So, tell me what you think, even though no one visits this section anyway…Happy reading!

Ullabloom

Great. He comes now…when I finally have some time to myself…

"Good god."

What? Is he...watching me? Ugh. People these days, always expecting to get some in any…wait…oh! YES!

Yep…this WORKS!

"Come here…and I'll show you everything you need to know…"

Wow. I'm a FOX!

…What is he wearing? …just look cute while he undresses…it's amazing what he finds sexy…

God, it takes him THIS long to take off a shirt and pants?! And what is up with his chest? Would it kill him to shave once in a while?

Okay, he's in…now what?

"May I wash you?"

"Oh, groovy, baby!"

Really? "Groovy, baby"? Is he drunk or something?

Hold on…drunk? Drunk!

If I can get him drunk enough…

Oh, his pocket…Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery. What spy has a business card, honestly? He thinks like a child!

Never mind…now I can finally confirm it…

"Mmm…"

He's really into this…

"In Japan, men come first, and women come second…"

"Or sometimes, not at all!"

Well, he does have a good sense of humor…not!

"Care for some sake?"

"Sake it to me, baby!"

Okaayyy…whatever that meant…

Oh, my god…he's already trembling! This is gonna be so easy!

"I feel EXTREME relaxation…"

…what in the…? Mama was right, men are pigs…

"How dare you break wind before me?"

The hell, brain?

"I'm sorry, baby; I didn't know it was your turn!"

Okay, okay, just smile and laugh at him…

…that sorry excuse for a poem he just…forget it. Shut up, brain…

"Let's make love!"

What? No! Damn! SHUT UP, BRAIN! URGH!

"…You silly, hairy little man!"

JUST WHEN I GOT MY HOPES UP! Why can't you just shut up, Alotta? And now, I'm talking to myself. Oh, SHUCKSY FRICKIN' DOODLES!

Why do I talk Minnesota when I'm flustered?

Well, that was something…was it great? No…Was it good? No…

"Had enough, Mr. Cunningham?"

"Depends on you, baby…"

Someone, PLEASE tell me he's a stoner or something…PLEASE…

"I think it's time you should leave."

"Yeah, baby, I thought the same thing."

"Good."

Well…awkward moment…

Here we go again…manties…frilly thing…suit…necklace…

"WAIT!"

"Yes, Ms. Fagina?"

"How about some…Smirnoff?"

If I can just keep him here until he gets home, maybe we can just kill him then.

"No, no, Miss Fagina, I really must be going…"

"Please Mister P-CUNNINGHAM. Misterp Cunningham!"

Idiot.

"It just gets so lonely without anyone…Mr…may I call you Richie?"

"Of course, baby!"

"Well, Richie, I need someone to stay with me. To hold…to love…"

"Um…Alotta?"

"Stay with me, Richie, please!"

What? NO! You're in too deep already! Stop! Now!

"Look, Miss…Fagina. I have a wife…aaaaaaanddd…I must be going."

So he just does this all the time?!

"Do you do this on a regular basis?"

"Sadly, yes. But you, Alotta, are special. Shagadellic. Smashing, baby. You deserve better. I'm not worthy. I'm scum. I suck. You are amazing…"

Yeah, that helps. Slut.

"Thank you. That's so beautiful! Oh, Mr. Cunningham…Oprah is a lucky girl…"

…not.

Shoulda just stopped at the sake…