5A/N: I don't own Neon Genesis Evangelion and the song Mutter from Rammstein. But using them is sure a lot of fun! This is the first of a two-part story. Next part will be up after some additional proof-reading. Please R&R.
My name is Shinji Ikari, and I'm 14 years old, close to 15. This is my confession. As it is unlikely that I will survive the following days I decided to document what happened to me. Whether it will reach anyone, I don't know. I intend to hand it to the person I wish was my father. If my assumptions are correct, he'll get it to people who may be able to make some use of it. I don't want this ugly Greek tragedy I call my life go undocumented, even as I fear it will.
Why am I probably dead by the time you read it? Because I killed, or tried to kill – amongst others – one of the most important men in the world. While some would say that the description would also fit me because of my unique job, I don't agree with them. I am not important. I hoped I would be seen as one, but judging by the attitude of NERV, it is unlikely.
This will not be the first time I've killed someone. While people tried to reassure me that my friend died because of the dummy plug, a device meant to replace human pilots I cannot absolve myself. Without my friend I will never get the forgiveness that could still my conscience. No, I'm lying, even if he would be alive I'd still be feeling guilty. Because in a way I am.
Inaction can be as much of a killer as direct action. Maybe if I'd have fought I could have found a way to prevent his death. Or maybe I should have voiced my misgivings right after I have been forced to murder my best friend. But I did nothing. I exited the entry plug after I've been retrieved and moped for a long time. I even pretended to not be angry at my father, because I was too busy feeling sorry for myself.
All that came down on the 15th of November, 2015. That was the day I met a certain girl called Sakura Suzuhara, my first victim. She was injured in the first angel attack months ago, thanks to my clumsiness with Unit-01. Of course Misato has explained that I should not feel guilty, I didn't have any training back then and it was inevitable that someone would get hurt. Little did that help me. But I digress.
Saying Sakura was saddened by his brothers death would be the understatement of the decade. The minute I saw her, even before realizing who she was I saw the deep sorrow in her eyes, the sorrow of someone who lost someone close to her.
She must have been waiting for me, because the moment she saw me she attacked me. Screaming obscenities that would make veteran seamen blush in shame, she punched and kicked at me. Her reaction reminded me of her brother and how he reacted after Sakura was injured.
"Why?" She screamed at me, "why did you kill him?" I saw the tears in her eyes and I died a little inside.
"I... I..." What do you say to a person who lost her brother thanks to you?
"Answer me!" She bellowed, after stopping her assault on me.
"I... I'm sorry," my head hung in shame as I replied. I couldn't say anything else.
She just stared at me with tears in her eyes. I think I was crying too. For too long I felt numb and sorry for myself for the realization to truly hit me. My best friend died and her sister wanted to confront his killer. If she had decided to kill me then and there, I couldn't have held it against her.
"Sorry doesn't bring him back." She told me as she slumped down next to the wall. Anger seemed to leave her for the moment. "What happened. No bullshit like the one NERV gave me."
"I-I cannot t-talk a-about that." Most of the operations related to angels were secret, although no one had the resources to truly keep information about them contained, as evidenced by Kensuke's recording of the battle against the 5th angel.
"Don't give me that, Ikari." She spat. "Tell me now, or I swear you'll wish you'd rot in hell."
In any other situation the threats of the 12 year old girl would have been cute but that was far from what I thought then. While I wasn't really intimidated by this girl, she had the right, no, the need to know what happened. As a person who bemoaned NERV employees for keeping vital information (like the identity of the fourth child) from me I didn't have any ground to stand on.
So I told her everything. I didn't care if I would get into any trouble and I think she was unconcerned as well. Maybe the truth would help her and her family cope better.
"... after that, I saw him... carried out of the plug." I finished the story. "He was already dead."
"Did he suffer?" She asked through her tears.
"I-I don't know."
"Don't... Shinji. Please, tell the truth." She asked.
"Yes, he did." I answered, truthfully. "They say the angel entered his mind and it was in all likelihood a painful experience. I'm sorry."
"Thank you for telling me." She answered. "If what you said is true, then it wasn't your fault."
"I could have..."
"No," she said, with a weak, teary smile, "you could not have. Probably the angel already killed him." After saying that she started to cry uncontrollably again. I didn't know how to help her or comfort her. And for that I hated myself even more.
I've been so blind towards others that I always seemed to notice things too late. Even now, when I was trying to make sense of the things, it took me days to notice how Misato behaved the day before Unit-03's activation. I only remembered because I was going over everything in my head again and again.
Right after the incident I have chalked it up to her not wanting to stress me. She knew how much pain piloting has caused me. But in my paranoid mind that excuse seemed too thin now. Didn't she tell me because she knew something?
"No, Shinji, of course I didn't know," she replied after I managed to ask her. It wasn't easy seeing how she was never really home after the incident. There was a lot of paperwork after each battle. "I thought that it would be a routine activation."
"Then why didn't you tell me?" I asked back, something not adding up. "I would have found out eventually."
"Yes, but remember what happened to Rei and Unit-00? I didn't want to worry you. Such a thing seemed unlikely, but I was afraid it would stress you more. Especially since you've just returned from the 12th."
"You thought that such a thing could have happened?"
"Ritsuko said it was extremely unlikely, but still possible. She and your father asked me to keep it quiet so you wouldn't stress more." She replied. "I told Asuka and asked her to keep it to herself. I wanted to tell you before I left, but I guess I didn't have the nerve. I'm sorry, Shinji-kun." Why did my father ask her really? I knew enough to understand that my father wasn't interested in my well-being at all.
"Why was he even selected?" After all I told Touji about piloting I didn't understand why he accepted. He even seemed to be really anxious and agitated before the activation.
"His family had a lot of medical bills from his sisters care and rehabilitation. In case he'd accept those bills would have been taken care of and NERV would pay for any further medications and therapy needed. While she's more-or-less healed, she has still not regained full functionality of her legs."
It was blatant manipulation. The same kind I faced the first time I piloted. They even paraded an injured girl before me, exposing her to more pain. But I was an idiot and never noticed it. It was the same tactic they used against me.
It was pretty obvious that my father saw compassion as a weakness and was prepared to use it against anyone opposing him. And from his request to Misato with a bit of a stretch it seemed possible that not only did he know this would happen, but also wanted me to be there when he was killed. To have that one horrible realization that my best friend died thanks to me. But why?
I was walking aimlessly in the halls of NERV. A sync test was scheduled for that day. Showing NERV's professional but uncaring attitude was the fact that it happened to be not even a week after Touji's death. After the test I wanted to go home, but I had to wait for Misato to finish.
As I wandered around I found my way to the control center again. I used my natural talent for remaining unnoticed as I watched the three techs doing their work. In all honesty I didn't like them. Not that they were callous, like my father or Akagi, but because they were the true arms of NERV. Whatever orders were given, they executed it. And usually it just added to my pain.
"Damn." I heard Ibuki, the current second-in-command of Project E say. "With all the backflow from the dummy you'd expect the Commander to give us more time."
"You know what he wants." Replied the long-haired one. I didn't know his name, but I still remember the words he said to me. That it was not my fault, that the dummy did everything, I am not to blame. But like I already said, inaction and all that. He couldn't possibly understand, he never was in combat. At least not in the personal, one-on-one type we pilots had to face. "I think it is more humane that way. It's best for them if we use the plugs."
"Haven't you seen what it did?" Ibuki almost screamed. It was known that she hated the autopilot system. "It may be more humane than using children to pilot but it can be barely controlled. And the damage it causes to the EVA is too much."
"Yes, man, I have to agree with her." Misato's Minion said. I forgot his name too, but I know he always hovers around her. Maybe has a crush on my guardian. "With every use the backflow will get worse. One day that EVA will stop working until a proper core replacement is done."
"Nah, the Dark Lord would never let that happen. You know that." Mr. Long-Hair replied. I didn't know and it made me suddenly much more interested in the conversation. My father always seemed to care more about the EVA than me. I approached them, 'decloacking' from the back of the control room.
"Why?" I asked. To my secret amusement they all jumped in surprise.
"Jeez, Shinji, since when did you become a ninja? And how long have you been listening?" Ibuki asked. While normally I would not be confrontational I really wanted answers. So I tried to channel my inner bastard, legacy of my father.
"Why does he not want the core replaced?" I asked, as stone faced and confident as I could possibly muster the courage to. I don't think it worked very well.
"We don't know. The cores of 00 and 02 are replaced every few months, when they are getting unstable." The Minion told me. "All data is transferred so really everything is the same, but 01's never got replaced. Commander Ikari rejected all such requests."
"Yes, I think that's the reason 01 is so unstable. We really should have replaced the core after the 12th." Long-Hair said. "It is getting worse and worse." He looked at me with apologetic eyes. "It makes syncing easier, but more damaging to you. I guess the Dar... I mean the Commander does not care. I'm sorry."
Crocodile tears. All I needed. I'm no enemy of some sympathy, but these are the same people who can still work knowing that 14 year olds are fighting against these eldritch abominations. They are the people who can rationalize the stress and pain put upon us.
While this may seem like whining, even Asuka admitted that syncing was hard on her. In one of her 'nice' moments I have come to treasure she told me that the only reason she can deal with it is because she's been doing it since age 4 and became somewhat desensitized to it. And these people knew it. But my anger is really misplaced, they are just my fathers minions.
The moment they'd show signs of cracking, he would remove them. I know that Maya Ibuki's hesitation of activating the dummy plug resulted in her demotion from 1st Lieutenant to 2nd after an arduous military tribunal. If they actually refused an order during combat they'd probably be executed on the spot, by Misato. We pilots only avoided this fate simply by being harder to replace. With the dummy plugs looming over us, even this was not so sure anymore.
"It's not your fault," I replied after a minute of reflection, "I know you don't want this."
"Shinji, you have to know that if it were up to me I would have never activated that damn plug." Ibuki said. "I wanted to refuse the order and buy you some time, but refusing an order..."
"I know." I replied, my eyes tearing up from the memory. "It wasn't your fault."
After saying my goodbye, I left the bridge technicians to meet up with Misato.
"Ich durfte keine Nippel lecken
und keine Falte zum verstecken
niemand gab mir einen Namen
gezeugt in Hast und ohne Samen"
I heard the singing from Misato's apartment. I have to admit Asuka's voice was like that of an angel. Not the biblical ones, but the real ones we faced in the EVA's. As I heard her sing terribly off-key to the German band, I looked back to the introspective and existential nightmare I had while being in the 12th angel with a certain longing.
Music was one of my strong suits. I had really no preference, I liked to listen to all kinds of music, from Classical to Albanian folk music. That was one of my only indulgences. Thanks to my teacher I had an extensive music library on my computer. All legal, I swear, so leave my machine alone, especially the folder named... sorry, I'm rambling.
Misato was less critical. After the verse I just heard, she started to sing the next one. Thanks to her stay in Germany with the young girl she knew the song by heart.
"Der Mutter die mich nie geboren
hab ich heute Nacht geschworen
ich werd ihr eine Krankheit schenken
und sie danach im Fluss versenken"
Asuka noticed her and they sang together. Every man has it's limits. When the 7th attacked, I wanted to run away every day, since our success relied on synchronizing with Asuka... with the power of dance. It was such an idiotic plan I wanted to run, to never to return. But I stayed, because I wanted to impress my father. Or possibly her, I don't even know which one.
I was about to start, but Asuka grabbed me before I could get out of arms reach. "And where are you going?"
"Away. Far far away." I wildly motioned with my hands.
"Misato, Shinji snapped again." She said, nonchalantly. "How he's going to make lunch? I'm not sure letting him near the knifes would be a good idea."
"What?" Misato asked, noticing me. She must have seen something, because she stepped away from me. "Shinji, are you okay?"
"Yes, I am. Why does everyone think I'll snap one day and kill everyone?" I muttered as I went to the kitchen to prepare food.
"What's his problem?" I heard Asuka ask.
"Oh, you know how he is. Had a stressful day and all."
"That's not it!" I shouted so they could hear me. Well, that was it but I didn't want to show it. "But you two sing horribly."
"Hey!" Asuka stomped into the kitchen and got close to me. "What is the problem with my singing? I have you know, a lot of guys asked me to go out to sing karaoke with them!"
"And have you accepted, even once?"
"Of course not." She replied with a smug grin. "They are not worthy of the Great Asu..."
"There you have it!" I replied smugly. "They never actually heard you sing."
"What was that?" That was the voice of Danger, with a capital D. It was the kind of sickeningly sweet tone she only took before dishing out pain. I didn't want to face that, so I backed down. What else could I do?
"S-Sorry."
"Better." She rolled her eyes. "Now, what got you really stressed?"
"Nothing." I didn't want to talk, but I knew Asuka would not drop it. "Just, you know, sync training."
"No, you are not so stressed after a routine sync test. Out with it!"
"Okay... geez!" I replied. "I just found out they replace the cores at regular intervals. Every few month or so."
"And that's got you so upset? I could have told you that. I even know most of the procedure!" She must have been really proud of that. "You know, I have a degree in computer science and NERV also gave me some additional education. I think I could even do the transfer all by myself!"
"No, that's not it." I replied, but realized something. "Really? How does it work?"
"Oh, it's nothing complicated. The core is just a really big quantum-storage. They contain some sort of AI designed to control the low-level functions of the EVA, like the motor functions. This way we only have to concentrate on high-level stuff. In a way this lets us feel the EVA as our own bodies.
"The core itself is a ROM, all state data is stored in the EVA itself, but it is cleared every time after deactivation. When the core becomes unstable, they scan it and copy the data it contains. It is too big even for temporary storage on the MAGI, so they do it directly core-to-core."
"Wow, that sounds interesting," Misato replied, "when did you learn this?"
"It's pretty basic stuff. Why didn't you learn it during your training?"
"Cores were developed a few years after I finished training." She replied with a shrug. "Besides, I didn't know you were such a geek. You and Kensuke would be soooo right for each other..." No matter the talk or situation we were in, she always managed to tease us.
"You have to be kidding!" Asuka stomped off to her room, outraged by Misato's allegations. "No way I'm going to associate with that idiot!"
I mulled over what I've heard. At the time it didn't make much sense, so I gave up for the time being and concentrated on making food.
"Hey, idiot!" I heard Asuka. After we ate, I cleaned the plates, as usual. Misato was already in the living room, watching some trashy teen drama. "You never told me what got you so stressed."
"Sorry. Misato kind of derailed the conversation." I sighed. "I found out they never replaced the core of Unit-01."
"What?" She asked, surprised. "Really? No wonder it's so unstable."
"Yeah, and apparently it causes more stress for me."
"That makes sense. The backflow would destabilize it more. It must be really bad by now."
"Backflow?" I asked. This was the same word I heard from the bridge techs. "What's backflow?"
"I don't know the exact definition, but it is a kind of contamination of the core coming from the pilot." She was deep in thought at that.
"If it's a ROM, shouldn't it be... you know... one way or something?"
"Yes, but you cannot create a truly read-only core. Some state is stored in it, but only for a few milliseconds, until the EVA's systems accept the data. After it, it will regain its previous state. But the process is not perfect."
"Ah, I get it." I though it over. "No, I don't."
"Baka! Simply said, the more you interact with it, the more it degrades. It becomes harder to retain the old state. It simply wears out."
"Oh. So it's dying?"
"In a way. But it'll take years until it becomes unusable." She looked at me with those beautiful cerulean eyes. But unlike the anger or annoyance I was used to, they held sympathy. "I'm so sorry."
"W-Why?" I was not used to getting sympathy from Asuka. But I could see that she put some theory together. I feared what she would say.
"Because the degraded core, you will sync more efficiently. But it will be more stressful." Usually sync scores were a sore topic with her, especially since I've overtaken her a few weeks before. "No wonder you have such a high rate."
"Are you saying..."
"Shinji, they might do this on purpose. A sick experiment by Ritsuko... They tested it with me once. They made me sync with an artificially degraded core. My rate shot up by 20% but it was horrible. I felt like something was about to forcefully enter my mind. They had to cut the experiment short. In the end, it was not worth the risk."
I could not speak. If what I've heard was true, then my sync ratio would be at 60% or less with a proper EVA. This explained why Asuka suddenly wasn't so hostile about my "superior" rate. Once again I found out my father fucked me over. Sorry for the language.
"It wasn't Dr. Akagi." I said after a while. "My father ordered it." After a few moments of thinking, I asked, "Do you think they could determine angelic contamination from the core?"
"If the core was scanned after the infection of Unit-03 then yes. It probably happened right before the test. But I doubt they did such a scan. While the EVA was built in the USA, the core itself was already constructed and stored here, in Tokyo-3." She thought. "Yes, the angel also causes backflow, but in a drastically different way. If I had the core scans of Unit-03 and Unit-02 I could compare them and figure it out. But like I said, it's unlikely they scanned it before."
"If they did, could you tell from the data?"
"Yes, probably. It's not so hard. I mean, even you could do it. It's fairly obvious." That gave me an idea.
You are the worst spy in the world. Not only did you fail to cover your tracks, you even started to involve Misato in your own business. I have a feeling my father already knew from the beginning. But since you are still alive even now, you probably still have your use.
How does a boy like me discover a spy? By simply listening where he shouldn't. One day, Misato was supposed to take me home, but was late, as usual. I went to her office, hoping she was there. My path took me before yours, when I heard her voice.
"I just found out myself. From Asuka, no less." She said. "Shinji apparently remembers what happened during the battle with the 3rd and that he was in control."
This got my attention. It was not true, of course, but Asuka must have made up some story or other. Probably to make me look bad. It was a really aggravating trait of hers.
"Why would he hold something like this back?"
"I don't remember exactly, but something about not wanting to be seen as a blood-thirsty berserker." She replied. "Asuka might have made it up. I didn't think it was important this long after that battle. I was about to ask Shinji, but forgot about the whole ordeal when we found the 8th angel. But after what happened recently, I remembered."
"This is important. It might get us closer to learning the truth about the EVA's."
"I thought you wanted to find out about the Commander's plans."
"My employers need to know everything they can." You said after a while, giving yourself away. "They have been suspecting Gendou and his employers to have some relation to the Second Impact."
Did he? I only knew that he was my father and the head of NERV. Everything else about the man was a mystery. I didn't even know for a long time that his original family name was Rokobungi. So I continued to listen, hoping to find out more.
"Just don't go poking into things you shouldn't. I don't want you getting killed."
"I'll be careful. Wouldn't want you to miss me." You replied in that playful, lady-killer tone of yours. How much I envied you for your confidence.
"Cut it out!" She repied. "Shit. I must get Shinji. I'm already late!"
I ran from your office, back to the lockers. A few minutes later Misato showed up. But back to the present. I was standing before your door, gathering my courage. You have to understand, I was about to do something that could get me killed or worse. But I could not back down. I wanted, no, needed to know what happened. So I knocked.
No need to reiterate what happened next. You probably remember. But I still feel the need to write our conversation down. Maybe it will help if you give the letter to your employers.
"Good morning, Kaji-san."
"No need to be so formal, Shinji-kun!" You said. "And call me Ryoji. No-one else seems to do it!"
"I-It would not be proper to do so, Kaji-san." I replied, a bit flustered. I barely knew the man and I felt uncomfortable calling him by his given name.
"Suit yourself... So, what can I do for you, my boy?"
"I need your help."
"Anything I can do?"
"Could you find out if there was a core scan of Unit-03 before the activation? And the scan of Unit-02's core? Same battle, of course."
"Why do you think I could get such things?"
I closed the door before answering, remembering how I got to know about your job. "Because I know who you really are."
"Really? Don't tell anyone! The Joker would kill me!" You laughed at your own joke.
"I heard you talk about the Commander and his involvement in the Second Impact."
"Shit."
"You should really check if someone is listening before involving your girlfriend." I replied in a tone that was more nervous than suave. But it didn't matter.
"Have you told it to anyone?" You asked. While I was fairly sure you wouldn't harm me, I was still scared shitless. My legs began to tremble. "Shinji, I won't hurt you!" You said when you noticed. "Shit, you watch too many movies."
"R-r-re-really?"
"Shinji, please. Even if I could harm a kid like yourself, you are far more important to mankind than I am!" You were a bit vehement in your reply. "I have orders not to harm under any circumstances the pilots, the bridge crew and Dr. Akagi."
That put me at ease enough, so I answered your question. "No, only I know. I don't want to cause you or Misato any problems."
After a bit of thought you seemed more calm too. "I could probably find them, no problem. But why do you want it? Only the techs could make sense of it."
"I just have to. I have a theory. Please..." I pleaded.
"Okay, fine. Look, it won't even take much time. I mean, I can guess your theory..."
"You can?" I asked, completely taken aback. Did someone else suspect what I did?
"Yes, it was obvious. I cannot tell why, but from the information I collected it seems that your father..." You noticed my looks, "I mean the Commander knows pretty much anything that's going to happen to a degree, if not completely. But all I have is some circumstantial evidence, hearsay and such.
"Look, I'll get you the readings, but promise me you won't do anything stupid with it."
"I promise," I lied, but if you are reading this, you already know that. Although at the time I was honest.
It took almost a week, but you gave the readings to me. That week has been agonizing. The thought that my father somehow planned for this was too much. Factor in the feeling that the next angel was going to attack anytime now and you can see why I was a nervous wreck.
But you came through. In a truly spy fashion, you took me to a coffee shop to give me an envelope. After that we just talked about what you said was guy-talk, but it was more like some good-natured teasing.
You probably never noticed how much alike you and Misato are. Was this the reason you had a relationship? Or was this just how you affected each other? I will probably never know. But that talk in the café put me in a slightly better mood after that shitty week. I thank you for that, I really needed some cheering up.
I should also mention that Asuka was behaving much nicer ever since she found out about the core. Something about being the number one pilot again, even though I still had the superior sync rate. I just hoped no-one would notice the change of her attitude. Certainly not Dr. Akagi, since she used to find some kind of sick pleasure in tormenting her with this fact.
"Asuka, are you home?" I called in the apartment, after arriving at home. I wanted to talk to her as soon as possible. I had a very bad feeling but I needed to get my answers.
"I'm in here, idiot!" She replied from the kitchen. Unlike before, the 'idiot' sounded a bit affectionate now. "What do you need?"
I just handed her the envelope, without explanation. She opened it and scanned the sheet containing the core scan chart of Unit-02 that was taken before the battle.
"Yes, this looks normal. They just replaced the core so there was only a small degree of degradation. Something to be expected."
The chart contained a few graphs and some text on the top of it:
2015-11-12
11:57
Unit-02
M. Ibuki
She handed me the chart and started to study Unit-03's charts. After a minute or so, her eyes went wide. Without telling me anything, she pointed to the top of it. It read:
2015-11-12
12:17
Unit-03
R. Akagi, K. Itzuki
That date, of course was forever burned into my mind. That was the day when Touji died. From the timestamp, the data must have been taken right before the activation. What worried me was what Asuka said a week before. That there would be no reason to take a core scan before Touji's activation experiment.
"What?" I asked, but Asuka was not replying. "What does it mean?" I grabbed the chart and looked at it. While the graphs on Unit-02's chart seemed smooth, Unit-03's was erratic. A lot of peaks were on the graph.
"I'm sorry, Shinji!" She replied, distressed. "They knew!"
I didn't know what to do, so I did what I usually do and ran away. I needed to get away. I didn't even notice that I still had the sheets with me.
"Sakura, could you meet me? I want to show you something."
"Shinji, what is wrong? Is everything all right?"
"No. Meet me at the mall. Bye." I ended the call. I didn't want to let anything slip over the phone since it was probably still monitored. It took her less than twenty minutes to arrive. I must have really made her worry, since it seemed she ran all the way. Her legs were still not fully healed, so she hobbled a bit.
"What is wrong, Shinji?" She asked. When I think back, I knew she understood that it was about him. About Touji.
"They knew." I felt numb, desperately not wanting to believe it. Wanting to go back home, forgetting what I saw and listen to my stupid SDAT. But I owed that much to her, so I stayed. Hope you will be proud of me. "NERV knew."
"Knew what? Shinji, you're scaring me!" She definitely understood me. Denial. I knew that one.
"That Unit-03 was infected." I replied. "I even found proof." I handed her the sheets, realizing too late that she's not going to understand them. "They checked and found it, half an hour before the experiment."
"No..."
"I'm sorry." I replied. "I'm so sorry... They wanted this to happen!" I screamed as I saw Sakura cry miserably. I hugged her awkwardly, trying to at least provide some comfort. I felt her shake from her sobbing.
"He only accepted because of me." She cried out. "It's my fault he got into that monster."
"No, it's not. It's all my fault." The realization hit me. "If you wouldn't have been hurt, he would have never accepted. If I wouldn't have refused to pilot at first when I arrived then you'd never been hurt."
"No..." She said, her tears drying up. "No... It was NERV's fault. Shinji, you have to show this to someone. Make them pay."
"Who?"
"I don't know. The police, the army, anyone..."
"And then what? NERV is too big to be taken down. And my father, the real culprit is too powerful. He would get away with it."
"They can't... Shinji, they can't get away with killing my brother." She said, weeping again. "Please... Shinji..."
"I'll figure something." I don't know why I said it, I felt pretty powerless. I had that feeling my whole life, but this was much worse. Not the usual weary feeling of having no control, but the feeling of control being wretched right from my hands. "Please, keep this to yourself for now."
"I... I can't. My father needs to know."
"Please, Sakura. Just wait a few weeks. Please." I begged her.
"Okay." She answered finally, after a long pause. "But what will you do?"
"I don't know yet."
I returned home a hour after I ran out. I felt bad after calming down a bit, mostly because I must have worried Asuka. The moment I entered our apartment, she slapped me. So maybe she wasn't just worried.
"What is it with you running out?"
"Asuka, please take a walk with me." I simply said, foregoing any greetings since she did it too. We were across the parking lot when I told her about my meeting with Sakura.
"Shinji," she said, fear in her eyes. "you shouldn't have told her! They'll figure out and you'll get her in trouble."
"She had to know." I said. "She's his sister."
"I know. But now? What if your bastard father kills her?"
"He won't."
"You can't know that!"
"I do!" I raised my voice. "Until she stays quiet, he will not do anything. And besides, no-one followed me."
"How do you know? Section-2 follows you always..."
"They are idiots. After the 4th I ran away. It took them 18 hours to catch up with me." I said. "When it comes to running away I am a pro." I said with a wry smile.
"Shinji, I hope you wont do something stupid."
"I will." I said. "But I won't involve you in it."
"That's not what I meant!" She said, "I don't want you to get in trouble."
"They wont kill one of their pilots." I said. "And I'm not stupid enough to start a pissing contest with the Commander."
"Then what will you do?"
"I don't know. After the angels are gone, I will give the results to the JSSDF or someone. But now we have to concentrate on the bigger threat."
"I'm glad you're not going to do something idiotic." She said, visibly calmer. "I know they need to pay for this, but now is not the proper time. I'm only saying this because I know how you act when you're pissed."
"What?" I asked, trying to lighten the mood. "I'm just a cowardly, spineless wimp."
"Maybe, but I saw the videos of you fighting the 4th. And I saw you during the 6th. Shinji, you may be a bit of a coward, but you're also the Berserker."
"What? Where did you hear that?"
"I saw your fight with the 3rd. I still don't believe you lost control. You were too much like that during the fight with the 4th. After that, people at NERV started to nickname you that."
"I had no control during the 3rd." I replied. "Honestly."
"Hmmm... but during..."
"Yes, that was me. I was scared and I acted in fear. Lizard-brained survival instincts or something."
"Shinji, don't give me that. You saved me twice during the 8th. I never thanked you properly." She replied with a sheepish smile.
"Twice?"
"Your idea about thermal expansion and your unprotected magma dive." She gave me her rare, honest and friendly smiles. Although I have to admit that lately they weren't that rare. "You may be braver than you give yourself credit for. If you wouldn't hate yourself that much you'd be a classical hero. The young boy answering the call to save the world from destruction."
"T-Thanks."
"I guess you just operate better under stress. You'll do what you have to, not?"
"I guess. Thanks, Asuka. I have to do something else today."
"Fine. But if you forget dinner..."
"I'll be back in an hour. Promise."
Rei Ayanami was the second closest person to my father. That was the reason I was there. Maybe she knew something about the fight with the 13th. An explanation, some insight, anything.
Apartment 402 was still as dilapidated as ever. I never could believe how someone could live in such a dump. While Misato and Asuka were never cleanly themselves, they at least cared about it. That is why they always insisted I clean up, but never did it themselves.
I long since learned that knocking was futile since even if she heard it, she gave no reply. So I opened the door, looking down in case she was showering. But after a while I saw that she was just sitting on her bed, reading a book. 'EVA Core Telemetry, Vol. 2'
Interesting choice of reading material, considering what I wanted to talk about. I knew I had to be careful not to let anything go, since this talk would most likely be recounted to the Commander. I already suspected that I was lucky me, Asuka or you didn't get caught. I hoped it was because nobody noticed.
"Hello, Ayanami-san." I knew she wouldn't reply until a concrete question was asked, so I continued immediately. "Why are you reading that?"
"Understanding the practical aspects of the EVA's operation is required from all pilots." She replied in her usual monotone. The thing about her was that while she had emotions she had trouble expressing them properly. But someone who was observant could easily guess what she felt. She had the worst poker-face once you got to know her subtle reactions.
"Is there any particular reason you are reading that book and not..." I picked up another manual randomly, labeled 'EVA Weapons Manual, Pellet Rifle, HEAA Ammunition' "this one?"
"The ineffectiveness of the HEAA weapons system is well known as demonstrated by the combat against the 4th and 7th angels."
"It was effective against the 9th."
"The 9th angel had no active AT-Field at the time of the attack."
"True. But why that particular book?" I had my suspicion that Rei was avoiding answering my question.
"I... that information is classified."
"Really? You cannot tell me why you're reading that particular book?"
"Yes."
I knew that drilling her for more would be futile. After all, this was the same girl trained to endure torture in case she was interrogated. My feeble attempts would do nothing good. But I still had to try.
"It has something to do with the last one, doesn't it?"
"That is classified."
"So you deny it?" I tried to not show my anger at the bluehead, but it was getting harder. It was odd, since Rei Ayanami seemed to be the person I could never really get angry at.
"No. I refused to answer, both affirmative and negative."
"Who classified this information?" I asked, pushing more. "My father? Dr. Akagi? The sub-commander?"
"No."
"Then it is not classified. Only they have higher clearance than you."
"..."
"Tell me, please. I know you want to protect me, but I need to know. Please..." I pleaded her. It must have worked since I actually got an answer.
"I suspect the angelic contamination could have been detected prior to the activation with a core scan. Such a scan would take an insignificant amount of time." She answered, "In the future such occurrences will be avoided using this security measure."
"Why was there no core scan?"
"A core scan would be illogical since cores are stored isolated in NERV. The infection must have happened prior to the activation or during the transfer to the Matsushiro site."
That seemed logical, but something was odd. She was lying about something, the subtle blush told me that much. On anyone this would not show, but Rei had a really pale skin tone. This made her a bad liar even if she had a huge amount of self control.
"There is a third possibility. Intentional contamination."
"That is illogical. It would put NERV at a strategical disadvantage." She replied. Her blush deepened. "NERV had several tactical scenarios developed to operating four Evangelions. Even the 4th's sync ratio of 25% could be improved to the point of him being useful in combat."
"Yes, I know." I replied. I was much worse at hiding my emotions, but Rei was also bad at interpreting them. While she has probably noticed them, she could not infer their meaning. "But still..."
"The infection made by Bardiel is similar to the one by Ireul."
That got my interest. "Ireul?" I remembered all angels, both by name and designation, but I didn't recognize that one.
"That information is classified." It was pointless, I realized. She would not say anything else. Even getting the name 'Ireul' was lucky.
"I see. Thank you, Ayanami-san. Good bye."
"Good bye, Shinji-kun."
She knew more than she let on. When I asked you about Ireul, you didn't know what I was talking about. Even after searching the MAGI, you could only dig up a generic description. 'Angel of Fear'. We never faced that one. But why was the 10th followed by the 12th? The official version was that the 11th had been a false positive but the MAGI already recorded the classification.
"Misato-san? Can I ask you something?"
"I already have a boyfriend, but thanks for your interest." She replied with her usual teasing grin.
"What is Ireul?" I asked, hoping she would have more on this 'false positive.'
"Where did you hear it?" She asked.
"Does it matter?"
"I guess not. We were ordered under the threat of prosecution for treason not to report it or tell it to anyone." She replied. "Ireul is the 11th angel, it infected the MAGI and almost did the same to the test bodies. You pilots were evacuated to the Geofront lake to prevent it from coming into contact with you."
"Why didn't anyone tell us?" I asked. "I mean, that angel was similar to the 13th. Wouldn't it have been important to know?"
"Shinji, the two were separate angels. They had nothing to do with each other."
"Both were able to infect NERV technology. So they must have had some similarities. And if it infected the MAGI, it could have gotten information about the EVA's and the core schematics. Dr. Akagi even said the angels probably share some overmind."
"Interesting theory but impossible to prove." She told me after a while. "And Ritsuko has a few... odd theories. One is about Pen Pen and how he was used as a prototype for the EVA."
"What?"
"Never mind."
I tried to forget that last one for the sake of my slipping sanity. "Wouldn't it have been logical to do a check? After all, NERV already knew that angels could..."
"Shinji, I know what you've been thinking, but hindsight is 20/20. No-one, not even your father knew about the infection. It was an unfortunate accident."
"How come that only you, Akagi and Itzuki survived the explosion at Matsushiro?"
"What?" Misato looked hurt. "Ritsuko noticed something and pulled me behind a van. It protected us. And Kazumi was already heading back to Tokyo-3. You don't think I had something to do with it, do you?"
"No," I replied, "I don't. I just was curious how you survived. Sorry for making you believe otherwise." I tried to smile.
"Shinji, try to put it behind you, otherwise it will eat at you. You are already becoming paranoid." She put her good hand on my shoulder. "Do you want to talk to a professional?"
"I'm not crazy!" I cried.
"Shinji, if you haven't noticed, everyone at NERV is a bit crazy. I was in psychiatric care for years after the Second Impact. I never told you, but I was there at ground zero. I saw the world burn and my father die. Then I was floating alone in the Arctic Sea for days, without food or water. The others have similar stories. You should ask Asuka about her mother one time." She looked away, thinking. "Maybe not. She's been in a foul mood the whole afternoon."
"Oh. I'm sorry for making you worry." I left her to go make the dinner I promised Asuka.
After we ate, Misato went back to the living room to commit genocide against her own liver. She did this with her pet penguin, Pen Pen. Look, I know you probably think I'm a bit loopy, but I swear it's true! Ask Asuka. She was honestly giving that critter beer and to my amazement he could keep up with her. Genetically engineered or not, that is just uncanny.
I sat at the table, still thinking about what to do. I didn't like my options. I could tell no-one else about what I found. Asuka, Sakura, you and me, that is three people more than the ideal amount to know this secret. But without you or Asuka I would have not found this out. So there is that. Speaking of the (Red) Devil.
"Hey, idiot. What did you do?" She asked me.
"Shhh... Misato is..."
"Blackout drunk. With a penguin. Go figure."
*Sigh* "I went to Rei."
"You still haven't gotten over the doll?" She asked.
"It's not that. I was just asking..."
"Are you stupid? She will report you to the Commander!"
"No, because I didn't ask her directly. Besides, she would incriminate herself too." I leaned closer. "There was an 11th angel. Ireul."
"I know. I heard you and Misato before."
"Oh... Anyhow she mistakenly let the name slip. You know what this means?"
"That the Commander told her. Or someone."
"Come on, Asuka. She only talks to me and him. But I don't think she knew about Unit-03 before."
"She knew."
"What?"
"Shinji, what do you remember from the battle? I mean before you engaged Unit-03."
"Just that you were cut off when you tried to tell me that Touji was the pilot. The angel attacked you."
"Before that. About Ayanami."
"She only said 'Ikari-kun' before being cut off." I replied. "Before that, we just waited for 10 minutes."
"At the time I didn't think it was important, but she was looking towards Matsushiro, even though we weren't told from which direction the angel would attack." She said. "She knew."
"Fucking bitch!" I was livid. I could understand why my father, the asshole or his minions would not tell me, but Rei was supposed to be my friend. Not just that but we fought side-by-side. We even saved each other a few times. "She knew and said nothing! I'll kill her."
"Shit, Shinji, calm down! I hate her, you know that, but don't do anything stupid."
"People keep telling me that."
"Because you will, sooner or later. And it will not end well."
I thought a bit about that. Asuka obviously knew me well, since I've been planning to do something drastic. Cold-blooded murder was not my style as I am diametrically opposed to that kind of thing. But I could not let this slide. Touji was my best friend, and probably my only true friend besides Asuka. Rei didn't count, she probably did whatever she did on orders from my father.
"If I do, will you stop me? Tell them what you know?"
"No..." She replied. "Please, Shinji, don't do anything. I wont tell NERV, but think it over. Maybe after the war is over, we can help the UN or someone prosecute them."
"Fine," I gave in. I mean it's hard to argue with Asuka. Seeing how she tended to be violent if people disagreed with her it seemed like a good idea. And to be honest, what could I do? I was just a 15 year old boy. "But this will not be forgotten."