Alice hurried onto the stage, she had overslept that morning and had rushed in an attempt to beat the students. Luckily, it looked like she had just made it. Not a minute after she put her papers and water bottle down onto the podium did the first students file in. Five minutes later, when it looked like everyone had arrived, Alice began her lesson.
"Today's lesson will be split into two parts: General Relationships and Lemons. I felt dividing the lesson was necessary because while there are many problems to deal with when writing relationships, there is an equal number of problems with lemons."
"So," Alice said, "General Relationships. You should know by now to label your pairing or pairings and note any changes that you've planned. For example, a story that starts of Ron/Hermione and ends up Draco/Hermione should be marked as such. This should be obvious since the importance of labels has already been covered."
"The first topic we will be discussing is personalities. If two people are in a relationship or going to be in a relationship their personalities should at least be somewhat compatible. This means that constant arguing and insulting does not immediately imply sexual tension. Sometime people argue and insult each other because they honestly dislike one another. Also ensure that they both have a real personality. Do not reduce the more submissive of the two to a state of near constant crying, whispering, trembling, whimpering, and needing their partner to do everything. Not only is it painful to read, it is certainly insanely OOC if the character in question is canon. A prime example of this is (almost always) Creature!Harry."
After glancing around the auditorium and noting that everyone was in fact still awake, Alice continued, "Twu luv is the next major issue. Twu luv is a gross misinterpretation of true love. Characters in twu luv are in love because they just are, normally seconds after meeting each other for the first time. This is an author confusing physical attraction, also known as lust, for love. Lust does not equal love, remember that."
"Twu luv can change a characters demeanor so the romance can be 'good and pure' and erases issues such as characterization or conflicting backstories. Characters in favor of a twu luv relationship are good and characters that oppose the relation are evil and will likely be punished. In many twu luv stories, that sums up the characterization of most characters. Twu luv is also capable of solving all problems and may in fact be needed to defeat the antagonist, if there is even one present. This is in spite of the thousands of fictional works that show relationships causing more problems than they create."
"This is a problem in the Harry Potter fandom," Alice continued, "because of the belief that love was the Power He Knows Not that Harry needed to defeat Voldemort. While I believe that this was referring more to Harry's ability to love and his love for friends and family it is understandable, to a certain point, to interpret it differently. I would just like to point out that Harry was single when he killed Voldemort."
"Tied to twu luv is pacing, since twu luv is the number one cause of improperly paced romance. Don't rush things too much, while teenagers will jump into relationships, they will not be ready to marry within a week. Basically, if your character is acting like they've taken a love potion; stop. There are canon examples you can use for the Golden Trio to figure out how they will act when they are attracted to someone. Finally, keep in mind teenagers are bad at dealing with emotions properly. They will probably be awkward, especially when confronting the object of their affections. See the Yule Ball in the Goblet of Fire for further reference."
Alice flipped to a different page in her notes then said, "On the topic of awkward teens, you should try to make that your minimum age. Ten year olds do not fall in love. Nor should eleven, twelve, or thirteen year olds. Relationships started at fourteen and fifteen are generally unstable because of the raging ball of hormones everyone is at that age. Strive for some realism. You should also strive for realism in matching the ages of your two characters. Try to keep in mind that a relationship between an adult and a minor is pedophilic and any sex they have is illegal; it is called statutory rape. For this reason avoid student/teacher (probably Snape) relationships. A good way to not scare of readers is to not include relationships where one person is dating someone who is their parents or grandparents age. Of course, if both characters are already both adults none of this applies."
Alice took a sip of water before continuing, "While we're on the topic of realism, remember that while people in love can be very forgiving of their partners there is a limit and even strong, stable couples will fight occasionally. A good measure of a relationship is how a couple handles a fight, not how few they have. And some things are just unforgivable, there are fanfics that have someone being forgiven for kidnapping, murder, betrayal, abuse and so on. While this is possible, it is very unlikely."
"Now the next part of this lesson will be dealing with lemons and mpreg. If any of this will make you uncomfortable, please leave now. I will send someone out to get you as soon as this section is done." Alice said before pausing and waiting for several people to leave.
"Okay, was that everyone? Yes? Then we shall begin. Now, the biggest problem with lemons seems to stem from biology. Namely, bad biology. A number of people do not seem to understand how the human body works, which is weird since they are human."
"We shall start off with impossible proportions and stamina. There is a limit to how large someone's breasts or penis can get before things start becoming a medical nightmare. In short, if a boob is bigger than a head that is bad and will result in back injuries. If someone claims to have an erection a foot or longer their partner should suggest something that does not involve having sex, or just run away. On the subject of stamina, sex is physical work. Cardiovascular work, so consider how much constant strenuous exercise a person can canonically do before you write them having non-stop sex for a week."
"You should also remember that humans have skeletons, skeletons are made of bones, and bones are not flexible. There is a limit to the number of ways a body will bend, even for a contortionist. Which most characters are not. In spite of this, it is all to easy to find people apparently bending into positions nothing with an endoskeleton could manage," Alice said.
"We also have the honestly fascinating misunderstanding of lube. As you might have guessed, lube is a lubricant and is needed to lubricate. This means it is needed to reduce friction and make it so things slide together easily, this important for anal. A reason a particular lube in a fanfiction might not work is because it might be a type of glue, generally not a lubricant, nonexistent, or a biohazard."
Looking at the list on the next page, Alice raised an eyebrow, "Notable things that have actually been used as lube in fanfiction that should not be include saliva, blood, water, ink, various glues, miscellaneous alcohols, coffee, shampoo, molten lead, hydrochloric acid, ketchup, barbeque sauce, melted sugar, sand, gravel, dirt, Ditto the Pokémon, honey, melted chocolate, wet cement, peanut butter, ammonia, ink, after shave, sweat, lemon juice, olive oil, jelly, hand sanitizer, tomato sauce, a tomato, plasma, rat poison, jelly, liquid nitrogen, feces, sun screen, breast milk, raw egg, paint, cum, Lysol, urine, rose oil, salt water, hydrogen peroxide, vanilla extract, tea, mucus, bleach, and some type of questionable, mysterious green alleyway slime."
"Well, I can't believe some of that was real but there you go," Alice said. "I swear I'm not making those up. Remember that that same level of insanity applies to fictional condoms. A list that includes socks, soda cans, duct tape, tin foil, a shower cap, and a cardboard tube."
"Generally the biggest violator of the laws of biology is mpreg. Note, I am not saying it cannot be well done, just that it rarely is. Problems arise when discussing the actual pregnancy. Where is this baby growing? How is it growing? A male body is not designed to support this. How is the baby not dying? Mitochondria are the cellular organisms that produce energy so a person can live and they are only inherited through the mother. How are two sperm combining? Where is the baby coming out of? A human anus does not work that way, so a C-section would be your best bet. You should not have your justification be 'magic', that is lazy writing."
"The next mpreg concern is not actually related to biology, but to characterization. Frequently you end up with characters becoming the stereotype of a hormonal pregnant person and a caring nursemaid of infinite patience. Another common trope is to give the pregnant or to-be-pregnant male a feminine face and body, long hair, a quiet voice, and the attitude of a damsel-in-distress to the point where it's painful. Expect a lot of trembling, whimpering, and crying in those cases. Both of these things are signs of lazy writing and should be avoided."
"Other honorable mentions that fall under 'bad biology' are making intimate body fluids of any kind to taste like ridiculous things (usually food), ridiculous quantities of said fluids- for example if a male cums it is going to be measured in ounces, as in one or two, het couples not using protection and never having to worry about pregnancy, and having male creatures go into heat. That is unlikely because it is only females animals that go into heat."
"Well, that concludes this part of the lesson." Alice said.
She then turned to one of the students, "Sapphire-Eyed Cat, if you could go get the students waiting outside."
As Sapphire hurried to the door, Alice stacked her papers and searched for her water-bottle cap. It had somehow ended up in her back pocket. Once she noticed the returning students taking their seats Alice leaned against the podium and waited for them to get settled.
A minute later she started speaking, "Now, since so many stories involve romance I'm sure you've noticed certain terms pop up, so for the first time in this class I will be providing you with a breif vocabulary list. Listen up and write these down:
A Bromance is the affection shared by two straight males, goes beyond very best friends but is a plutonic relationship. Think Harry and Ron or James and Sirius.
A Canon Pairing is a couple that was established in the books;
Femslash (or Yuri) is a lesbian relationship, it is sometimes shown as f/f;
Fluff is cute and light romantic interactions, the sugary sweet moments in a relationship where everything is lovey-dovey and adorable;
H/C means Hurt/Comfort, where one person is hurt physically or emotionally and the other comforts them;
Het indicated a heterosexual pairing;
Lemon is an explicit sex scene;
Lime is a non-explicit sex scene;
Mpreg is a male pregnancy;
NoTP is the exact opposite, the pairing that you hate for some reason;
OTP stands for One True Pairing, the ship you hold above all others;
PWP means Porn Without Plot, which is exactly what it sounds like;
A ship is a relationship between characters;
Shippers are those who support any given ship;
Shipping is the act of pairing characters together.
Slash (or Yaoi) is a gay relationship, sometimes shown as m/m for male/male;
Some of the major pairing tags you should be aware of are as follows: Drarry is Draco/Harry, Dramione is Draco/Hermione, Harmony is Harry/Hermione, Hinny is Harry/Ginny, Romione is Ron/Hermione, Snilly is Sanpe/Lilly, and Snarry is Snape/Harry.
Note that Snarry is Snape/Harry in a romantic sense while Severitus or Sevitus is Snape being made into either a father-figure or mentor to Harry."
"That," Alice said, "concludes our lesson for today. I apologize for rescheduling so many times as I know this is far later than when I promised the next lesson. However I cannot control everything and it was unavoidable. See you next time."
As everyone got up and left, Alice scribbled a note onto a post-it and put it onto the top sheet of the notes she had brought to class that day. Once the room was empty she too left, signally to cut the lights as she went.
If someone had still been on the stage they would have scene a stack of papers on a podium, that person would then notice the blue post-it on the papers. If this mysterious person was curious enough to read the note they would see the words, 'You don't have to return the papers. I don't need them' printed in a neat handwriting.
If this person had stuck around, they would have seen the man who worked in the lighting booth walk up to the podium and look at the papers. Then they would have seen him leave a different note before leaving, taking all but one of the papers with him.
But no one was there, so no one saw.
A/N: I owe a thank you to the PPC (Protectors of the Plot Continuum) and wtffanfiction, neither of which I am affiliated with. They both provided information (especially they lube list) and gave me the chance to avoid purposefully reading tons of bad fanfiction.