Resident Evil REwritten

Waking Up Dead

" " -Spoken

' ' -Thought

( ) -Commentary. The smartass remarks that could be heard from the back of my head. For comic relief, and personal opinions. They're usually too snarky to be said aloud.

Welcome to the world of Resident Evil. Good luck and godspeed, you stupid, suicidal motherfuckers.


Quote of the day!

Si Vis Pacem Para Bellum

"If You Wish For Peace; Prepare For War"


#4 Monkey Business


"BY THE EYEBROWS OF EUGENE LEVY!" Billy shouted,(Practically squealed) the giant spider freaking him out. I simply took aim the the creepy, hairy bastard as it turned to look at us.(Pretty sure it was thinking, What little girl shouted that?)

"Die, you eight-legged freak!" *Bang-Pow-Bam!* Three shots in quick succession through its head,(Causing said head to practically explode in a mess of gore and chitin) and the webspinner was no more. I quickly moved up, giving the thing a kick to make sure it was dead.

It didn't move, but both of my companions cringed away from the thing, shuddering.

I shook my head, saying, "Watch for these things, I'm pretty sure they're poisoness." Leading the way further ahead, I pocketed my flashlight and holstered my sidearm in favor of pulling my shotgun.(Luckily, it had a sling on it. Must have a horseshoe up my ass or something) I don't like using handguns for anything bigger than a dog that isn't a zombie.

There was a relatively dim light coming from around the corner up ahead, but we could still hear scuttling noises; I cautiously moved up, silently creeping along the wall, switching hands with my weapon. Rebecca quickly scampered over the dead spider, getting right under my feet; I could hear her teeth chattering, even.

'Guess she's not very fond of spiders. Well, to be fair, neither am I,' I thought, holding a hand behind me to keep her from getting too close into my workspace.(Wouldn't want to whack her on the mouth if I have to back up quickly. I'd hate to mess up that pretty face of hers) After I had both hands back on my gun, I glanced around the corner, instantly pulling back once I saw what was down there.

Two more targets, one eight feet ahead, the other at the end of the hall, clinging to the wall; just like in the games. Not sure if I should be happy or sad about that, though.

Taking a breath and leaning out around the corner, I set my sights on the first zombie-spider, pulling the trigger- *Ba-BOW!* And sending a round of buckshot through the side of its head. The thing twitched, or should I say, spazzed out and died, white-ish green blood and gunk seeping out onto the floor.

After I rounded the corner, beckoning the others to follow, I set my sights on the last one, moving down the corridor with a purpose. Kicked the second dead one out of my way, got within five feet of the last one and stopped.

The spider twitched in annoyance, turning itself around to glare at me.

My response?

I racked my shotgun.

The outcome of such a meeting was predictable. I kicked this one to the side of the hall, marched to the door at the end and raised my boot, kicking the door right on the lock, following through as the mechanism snapped and the door flew inward.

Gun raised, eyes scanning the room, I finally said, "Forward area clear."

Billy and Rebecca scurried inside, the big guy kicking the door shut behind him. Looking around, this room was unassuming, with nothing obvious to the untrained eye. Except another door right next to us.

Ignoring the desk, which had something of interest to Rebecca, who picked it up as I opened the next door. Inside, was a candlelit room of stone, with heavy iron chains all around.

"Huh. George must've hired Dante to do the interior decorating down here." (Ba-dum-CHA!)

On the other side of the room, there was a large vent on the right-side wall, big enough for a large grown man to fit through. Looking it over, I asked, "So, who wants to go through the second dark, scary hole we've seen tonight?"

Of course, I didn't get any volunteers. "Do we really have to? I mean, what could even be back there?" Rebecca asked, fearfully staring up at the vent, as though she expected some kinda monster to come bursting out at any moment.

"Power controls to the boiler. Once we get to those, we should be able to get to a different part of the basement, where one of those damn tablets outta be. Billy, give Rebecca a boost once I'm up, then stay here and hold this room. Make sure nothing creeps up on us." I moved right up to the wall directly below the vent, bent my knees and jumped, reaching.

Catching hold of the bottom lip, I pulled myself up and tossed my shotgun in before pulling myself the rest of the way in, head first. Once up and inside, I pulled my flashlight and kept it in one hand with the other on my boomstick.(The 12 gauge, not my bigger one)

The vent was clear, not even a cobweb in sight. It was at least fifteen, twenty feet long, but I could see a light coming from the end of it. Great.

After moving a good six feet ahead, I called back, "Alright, get up here, Becs. And get the damn safety on before you toss that piece!"

Could'a sworn I heard her muttering, "How did he even know..." Heh, baby, I am fucking psychic. I could even tell you what color your panties are.(White with pink stripes) Beyond that, you're easier to read than a childrens' comic book.

Hoping the damn vent wouldn't collapse on me, I crawled through until I was on the other end of it, where I glanced in, down and around, before flipping onto my back and carefully pulling myself further out.

Upper body hanging out, I slung my shotgun onto my shoulder and swung myself the rest of the way, dropping down onto my feet. Drawing my pistol, I turned and took aim, putting a bullet through Marcus' damned camera before even moving into its field of vision.

Satisfied that the asshole wouldn't be spying on us, I holstered and looked back to the vent, just in time to see Rebecca poke her head out. "Roy? What's wrong?"

Shaking my head, "Nothing, just an annoying fly on the wall. Here, pass me that piece before you drop it."

She handed me her MP5, sliding herself out a little further. After setting it against the wall, I moved right under the vent. "Alright, now flip onto your back and pull yourself out. Don't worry about falling, I'll catch you."

"I hope so." She struggled for a few moments, easing herself out inch-by-inch, trying to keep her weight on her hands. Not too bad, figuring this is the first time she's had to pull herself out of a vent headfirst, ten feet over a stone floor.

The trick isn't to pull yourself out, but to swing yourself out; use the momentum to keep yourself in the air for just a second longer, to pull your feet free and get them under you. Remember to bend your knees or you'll deeply regret it when you hit the floor. Oh, and don't pitch forward, unless you want to taste the wall.

But, of course, this is Rebecca Chambers.

"W-whoa!" She slipped and fell, just barely keeping herself from tumbling. With a resigned sigh, I braced myself and bent my knees as her weight landed on my arms, taking all that momentum without letting myself fall. I had one heh-heh-HELL of a time not groping her ass when I caught her, damnit. I was tempted, very tempted. "Th-thanks," She muttered, face bright red for some reason or other.

Hey, wasn't me this time. I kept my hands off of her posterior, if only just.

Suddenly, "HEY! You guys okay?" Billy's voice came through the vent, tinted with worry.

"Yeah, I'm fine!" Rebecca called back, nevermind that her mouth was right next to my damn ear. Ow.

Rolling my eyes, I set the blushing medic on her feet, reminding myself NOT to let my hand 'accidentally' slide over her plush rear end, belt pouch be damned. It took effort, I can tell you that.(As you can see, it's been awhile for me) "Yes yes, you're welcome, thanks for deafening me."

Another muttered apology, before she turned and got a good look around the room.(Giving me another, even better look at her lovely tail and shapely hi- DAMNIT, bad libido! Down, boner!)

"Oh- Oh god..."

I nodded, also feeling a little creeped out by the room furnishings. They were all too familiar. "Well, looks like a rape dungeon to me. Must be Marcus' little Happy Room."(I admit, finger quotes were used. I am officially a douchebag) Looking back to her, I then deadpanned, "Get on your knees, and tell me you love me."

Oh, the look on her beautiful, blushing face was just priceless.



Billy jumped, startled by the extremely loud noise that came from the vent. It kinda sounded like-


Like a very loud, very hard slap, which was soon followed by raucious laughter. The laughing was obviously Roy,(As Billy doubted that little Rebecca, masculine as her voice was, could have a laugh with that much bass behind it) but he had no idea as to what just happened.

"F-fucking pervert!"

...Though he did have a sneaking suspicion.

Several more long minutes passed, before Billy heard something ominous.


Training kicked in and Billy threw himself to the floor face-first out of sheer habit, then began wildly looking around for some sort of trap or threat that was the source of that noise.

After a tense two minutes of nothing, the Marine got back up, glancing to the vent. He was about to call after the other two, when he saw a pair of feet coming out; black leather combat boots connected to legs covered by black cargo pants.

Roy. Though why in the hell he was coming through feet-first, Billy had no idea. It took him another ten seconds before he shoved himself fully out, hanging onto the lip of the vent, then kicking off the wall to land in a crouch.

He got up without a word, heading back to stand under the vent for another minute before Rebecca's head popped out, a fierce blush marring the ferocious(What she was trying for) scowl on her face.

To be honest, it made her look rather cute.

While he was helping her get down, Billy asked, "So what was all that about?"

Roy started chuckling. "Oh, nothing, we just found a rape dungeon on the other side. Rebecca wanted to ride the horse, and didn't get the joke I made."

"Oh, shut up!"

Shaking his head with an amused smirk, the Lieutenant replied, "Really? Well, what was it?"

Setting Rebecca on her feet, he turned, deadpanning, "Get on your knees and tell me you love me."

. . .

"Pff, hahahahahahaha! That's a pretty good one!" Home Alone 2 was a great movie. Really outta go and see that again, sometime.

"Heh, so did I, but she didn't get it!"

Looking between us, Rebecca was starting to get annoyed. "Alright, what is it? I thought you were making some kind of innuendo!"

Finally getting over the laughing fit, Billy explained it. "He was, that's a line from a comedy movie. I'm honestly surprised you haven't seen it; Home Alone? The one about the kid left by himself on Christmas?"

She shrugged. "Never heard of it." Wow.

"You must've had a sad little childhood, didn't you? Wait, no, you're still a child."

At the Marine's joke, she indignantly squeaked, "Hey!"

Both men just started laughing again. It was probably a good thing that we could laugh, in such a godforsaken place.


"Now where are we headed?"

I shoved open the door in front of me, checking left and right before stepping through. "The basement. There's a seperate staircase that leads down, where we should be able to find the second tablet. Beyond that, I do believe there's an armory of some sort down there, though everything in it has been sitting there for the better part of a decade, at least. We should be able to find some supplies, maybe even a few working firearms."

Billy was slightly annoyed by this. "And, uh, WHY didn't we go there first?"

"Because it's a pain in the ass getting down there. To get past the boiler, which was designed to emit scalding steam to block passage to the hallway that leads to the stairs, you have to cut power to it from the device in the rape dungeon on the other side of the basement."

At my explanation, he replied, "Isn't that kindof a pain in the ass just to get into the basement?"


Silence followed, until, "Yeah, I'm with you. George Trevor's an asshole."

"Heh, tell me something I don't know." I hopped down the steps and through the metal gate into the boiler room, the other two following close behind. Further down, it was still very warm and humid, even after the machine stopped functioning.

We'd gotten no more than a few steps when Rebecca whined, "Geeze, it's like a sauna in here. I don't blame you for wanting to turn the thing off." Fanning herself for several moments, she then tugged at her shirt and vest, giving me a perfect peek at her lovely, jiggling mounds of soft, milky-

Damnit, bad libido!

Shaking unspeakable thoughts from my head, I lead the way around the big-ass machinery and through the U-shaped passageway, calling, "Rebecca, grab at least one of those blue ones, we might need 'em," Indicating the herbs lying in pots on the floor, attempting to keep her from further distracting me with those assets of hers. She quickly ducked to the side, bending down to collect the ones nearest the stairs, showing off that taut ass of hers, waggling it just enough to draw the eye to those well-concealed but arousing curves as they swayed from side to side, hypnotizing me with that curvacious poster-


Slogging down to the door rather awkwardly/uncomfortably, I checked that it was unlocked before turning the creaky, rusted iron handle to get a quick look inside, eager to get my mind on anything other than the jailbait's ass.

Wait. She's actually older than me, right? Yeah, eightteen, so technically, I'm the jailbait in this scenario. Damn, that's just-

"What do you see?" Billy asked, just behind me.

I managed not to jump when he startled me out of my thoughts. "Monkeys. Lots of 'em." Shutting the door and turning back, "Did I ever tell you that I hate monkeys?"

He gave me a raised-eyebrow look, deadpanning,(With a mullet! He deadpanned with a MULLET!) "Join the club."

Chuckling, I looked further back and pulled Becky into our conversation as she trodded down the stairs. "Say, kiddo, you up for exterminating a few silverbacks?"

"Huh? What about gorillas?"

Heheh, cute.


Billy and Roy both took their positions on either side of the door as the younger man said, "These things are T-virus infected monkeys; they're small, they're quick, and their teeth are like razors. Whatever happens, don't let 'em jump on your back. I'll take left, you two cover the far-side corridor. Got it?"

I nodded, as did the the Marine.

"Good. Let's go!" And then Roy threw the door open, rushing inside with his shotgun at the ready. Billy quickly followed, and I was right on his heels, flicking my weapon's safety off.

The room we entered was made of the same stone we saw before, covered in shadows, lit only by candles. In the center of it, was a large, ornate fountain.

*Ba-BOW!* The retort of a shotgunblast echoed throughout the room, followed by the sound of something hitting the floor, hard.

"Three more!" Roy shouted, firing again into something unseen. I moved just ahead of Billy, turning and looking down my sights. On the other side of the fountain, was a think metal gate, along with-

Two monokeys, both rushing towards Roy!

'Exhale, and squeeze.' I thouh, setting the front sight on the closest one. 'Lead it... And-'


This time, I half-expected the recoil and kept it on target; the first monkey dropped, flipping over and over as it slid across the floor, dead.

*P-p-powfuhl!* Three more shots from Billy's MP5, and the last one stopped moving. I'd gotten lucky, I guess, since one of my bullets caught its leg, causing it to do a cartoon-esque faceplant. Roy moved over and gave each of them a kick, making sure they were dead. The other two he had killed were a mess, their heads replaced by a splatter of gore across the cobblestone floor.

I suppressed a shudder at the awful smell, noting the look Roy sent me. "Put it on auto again, didn't you?"

Chuckling sheepishly, I tried, and failed, to keep from blushing. "Eheh, sorry." He merely shook his head.

"Forget it. Y'all get comfortable, this'll take a minute." And he then busied himself bustling around the fountain, a lighter in his hand as he muttered to himself. Something about fucked-up food chains and completely retarded puzzles, or some such.

Either way, Billy and I stood there in awkward silence for a few minutes, the scuffle of footsteps and stifled curses echoing around the room.

Until he asked the question that was on my mind, anyway. "What the hell are you doing, anyway?"

Roy finished lighting one last candle before replying. "Opening the gate." A moment later, there was a grating sound as said gate slid into the ceiling, allowing passage into a short corridor.

"...So in order to open the gate, you have to light all the candles on that fountain, in a specific order, I take it? One involving a sequence related to those statues?" The ex-Lieutenant sardonically droned, all the while looking like he was sitting on a thstle.

Roy nodded with that cynical look on his face, waltzing into the short passageway. "Yep. Wait here, be back in two seconds."

We heard a heavy door open and close, just before Billy and I turned to look at each other.

The awkward; strong, it is.

Though we didn't get much chance to actually say anything before Roy reappeared, another stone tablet in hand. "Alrighty, then, folks, let's hit up that armory." Whistling a cheery tune, he brushed past us without even waiting to see if we were following.

He's a cheeky bastard, isn't he?

Well, through that connecting hall we'd earlier seen, he pulled open the first door we saw, stepping into the murky darkness. "These stairs are slick, so watch your step!" He called, disapprearing from view.

Billy and I shared another look. "Ladies first," He taunted, snickering as I scowled.

They're both bastards.


I leaned out around the corner, gauging enemy numbers before coming back and checking the chamber of my Ithaca. Good to go.

Fetching another shell and making sure the tube was topped off, I glanced back up the stairs for the others-



And promptly got bowled ass-over-teakettle by something small, heavy and soft.

'Damnit, I missed one!' Not even hitting the ground yet, I shifted my weight and twisted my body mid-air, getting my shotgun between us and a pistol in hand before we landed with myself on top of-

Rebecca.(Red-faced, of course) With her lovely tits pressed against me in such a-

'Duhh, what just happened? Duhh, the klutz just fell down the stairs and you're in missionary. With a boner, no less,' I thought, just as I heard Billy whistling behind us.

"Well, aren't you two comfortable?" That mocking bastard.(Uncomfortable, actually; this damn cup was really cramping my junk) I scrambled to my feet, turning to give him a piece of my mind when-


Uh-oh. Agh, fuck my life.

Instinct kicking in, I spun and grabbed Becks, yanking her off the ground as I dove backwards, pulling us both out of the way of a massive lugie one of the webspinners just spat at us. Landing hard at Billy's feet, I glanced up to see the Marine firing, putting a half-dozen rounds in the first monster.

I looked to where the other one was, on the ceiling. It was rearing back, ready to-

No time.

And just like before, time seemed to dilute, the color of the world skewed into greyscale.

Rolling the starstruck girl off my chest and pitching forward into a crouched position, I raised my Beretta, setting the sights and tugging the trigger.

Once. *Bang!*

Twice. *Boom!*

Thrice. *Pow!*

Four times, before the first shell touched the floor. All four rounds struck the overgrown spider dead in the eyes, the creature slipping from the ceiling as it died.

And just as first piece of brass touched the floor-

Everything sped back up into normality. Breathing hard at the unexpected exertion, I pulled myself up just after Billy finished shooting, both webspinners dead. I glanced back to the girl, offering a hand.

Rebecca was wide-eyed with surprise and something else I couldn't identify, but she swallowed and took it, as I pulled the girl to her feet and retook my shotgun. Neither she nor Billy said a word as I turned and started walking, waving them up.

They were both on my heels within seconds as I marched down the hall and straight to the double doors at the end. Shoving them open, I was greeted by two paths; one going up a short flight of metal stairs and into an armory/control-room style area, and a different set of stairs to my left, that lead down into the BOW combat application testing lab.(Arena)

But, you know me. Grinning maniacally, "Heheheheh, boys and girls, let's go looting!" I exclaimed with glee, practically diving into the room and beginning to sort through all the various boomsticks within.

"Oh, it's beginning to look a lot, like Christmas! Guns in ALL the stores..." Billy sang in an off-key countryboy rendition of the redneck version of that timeless Christmas song, as he jogged to catch up to me.

Back next to the door, I heard Rebecca sigh and mutter to herself,(I have good hearing, so sue me. I can detect an emo sigh from a mile away! ESPECIALLY that of a female, 'cuz goth/emo chicks are hot. Seriously, they are. But, uh, don't get 'em mixed up) "Geeze, they're like overgrown children in a candy store."


Back to the gun harem!

"Ho, ho, ho-ly shit!" Th-the entire lower right-hand shelves under the counter...

Were lined with 500 round mil-surplus ammo cans, of every cartridge you could imagine, accompanied by magazines of all sorts, shapes and sizes!

"I'm in heaven. All that's missing is the couch, fridge, TV and a centerfold on the wall," Billy mumbled, starstruck by his dreams of the perfect Mancave.

Cackling to myself, I pointed to a spot on the wall right next to the door we'd walked in through. "They've gotcha covered on that last one." He turned, observing the Playboy centerfold tacked up like a calender, displaying some lovely lady's lovely posterior on full display, with her coy eyes peeking out from between her legs.

Fucking, awesome. Heh, I wonder if I could convince Rebecca to take a similar pose for m-

. . .

Billy and I suddenly shared a look. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" He asked, eyebrow raised.

"Hell, yes."

We both looked back out the door, calling, "Oh Rebeccaaa..."


OOOkieday, do y'all see the Edsworld reference?


"Remember, kids; life isn't anything like a box of chocolates, more like a jar of jalapanos. What you decide upon today, might very well burn your ASS tomorrow!" -Unknown


My response at seeing the new Para-USA 14.45 Black Ops? "Will donate organs for one!"*

*Does not guarantee one of MY organs.


"There he goes, one of God's own prototypes; some kind of high-powered mutant never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die." -Hunter S. Thompson. Describes our protagonist quite well, doesn't it?