Hello everyone this is my first foray into writing for this fandom and the first piece of writing I've done for a very long time. I'm pretty sure that this kind of fanfiction is not anything new but I don't think there is one like it in this fandom so apologies if someone has done one like this already. I've only seen the two most recent movies so everything is based on what I know from them and other connected media so if any fans find something wrong please let me know politely and I'll try and fix it.
As with everyone on this site I own none of the characters or other aspects of the Star Trek universe.
Enjoy and please review. (Hopefully you'll find this funny.)
Discreetly positioned in various places around the Enterprise was a very important list of unofficial rules that everyone was expected to know. Whenever new crew arrived they would always be pointed to the nearest copy and ordered to memorise it before performing any other task. Many did not do this vital step when coming on board the ship only to learn the error of their ways in very short order…if they didn't break a rule with severe consequences.
Unofficial Rules of the Enterprise
Do not assist Captain Kirk in trying to escape his medical.
(Everyone agreed that breaking this rule was not worth the resulting hypo and lecture from Bones.)
Do not badmouth or gossip about any of the Command Crew no matter what they do.
(The methods of revenge they could concoct were very varied and inventive.)
Do not call Doctor McCoy 'Bones'.
(Only the Jim and Pavel got away with this one un-hypoed.)
Do not call Mr Hendorff 'Cupcake'
(The resulting bruises from his 'unarmed combat training' weren't worth it.)
Bullying Ensign Chekov is a bad idea.
(The Command Crew are very protective of their youngest member.)
Puppy Dog eyes are not 'standard Starfleet negotiation techniques'.
(Pavel still insists that they should be since they worked.)
There is no illegal distillery in Engineering.
(Everyone just ignored the strange alcohol smell from the contraption in a discreet corner.)
Loop the loops with the shuttle are not permitted.
(Hikaru said he was practicing 'evasive manoeuvres'.)
Stop climbing through the Jefferies Tubes.
(It was a good way to sneak up and surprise people.)
Doctor McCoy and only Doctor McCoy can give the Captain medication.
(One junior doctor ignored this and the resulting allergic reaction was not pretty. Neither was Bones' reaction when he found out.)
Beaming a shark into the swimming pool is not funny.
(It took the joint efforts of Jim, Nyota and Bones two hours to calm Pavel down when someone did this to him.)
Neither is beaming in an alligator.
(Pavel now refuses to go near the pool unless it has been scanned for non-sentient life first.)
The goose is to be killed on sight!
(A transporter malfunction resulted in a goose being beamed aboard. They have yet to catch the thing to end its reign of terror.)
Will whoever hacked the replicator in the officer's recreation area please fix it.
(It was firing high velocity marshmallows at random crew members.)
The Enterprise is not to be used for aerial acrobatics.
(A constitution class starship barrel-rolling over San Francisco was pretty impressive to see.)
Disney's Bambi is banned from any crew film nights.
(Pavel and Bones are inconsolable when Bambi's mother dies.)
Do not get Ensign Chekov on a sugar high EVER!
(The havoc he wreaked throughout the ship was incredible.)
Stop playing the song 'Guy Love' when Commander Spock and Captain Kirk are speaking to each other.
(They didn't find it funny the first time never mind the fifteenth.)
Getting the whole crew to sing Queen's 'We Will Rock You' at Klingons who are demanding the complete surrender of the Enterprise is just plain stupid.
(The look on the Klingons faces was worth it, the missiles not so much.)
No Phaser Tag!
(When caught Jim, Hikaru, Scotty and Pavel insisted it was 'vital combat training'...Spock didn't buy it.)
Do not make rude comments about Doctor McCoy's homemade apple pie.
(The last person who did this ended up wearing it as a hat, much to the annoyance of those looking forward to eating it.)
No more experiments with time travel.
(Having child Scotty, teen Scotty and adult Scotty on the ship at the same time was incredibly confusing and dangerous for everyone else.)
Do not play the 'Imperial March' from Star Wars when Doctor McCoy comes onto the bridge.
(Bones was most likely going to destroy the speaker system next time it happened.)
Stop trying to give Ensign Chekov 'the talk'.
(Several crewmembers have done this, much to the teen's embarrassment.)
Do not touch Lieutenant Sulu's plants.
(He has threatened people more than once with his fencing sword to protect his precious plants.)
During emergencies do whatever the Command Crew say no matter how illogical, crazy, insane or stupid their orders may seem.
(This became second nature within the first three weeks of being assigned to the Enterprise.)
No more playing strip poker!
(This one needed little explanation.)
Do not make jokes about Russia when Ensign Chekov is present.
(He was very proud of his homeland.)
Same goes for Scotland and Mr Scott.
(He was equally proud of his homeland.)
'You Only Live Twice' is not a suitable theme song for Captain Kirk.
(He really didn't see the funny side of this one and neither did anyone else.)
Mr Scott is not allowed to cook.
(When it was Scotty's turn for the home cooked meal night he managed to lay the entire Command Crew low with severe food poisoning for days.)
Nor is he allowed within ten feet of any kitchen appliance.
(People were certain appliances blew up when Scotty walked into the room.)
Pranking is not a good way to fill time when bored.
(Even Bones was disappointed when Spock added this rule.)
Neither is singing songs from stage shows loudly on the bridge.
(Jim said he was only trying to boost crew moral but Spock still wouldn't relent.)
Do not give in to Ensign Chekov's 'puppy eyes'.
(No-one, including Spock, could keep to this rule when actually faced with Pavel's 'puppy eyes'.)
Stop trying to build a 'TARDIS'.
(Scotty and Pavel had been watching 'Doctor Who' recently.)
Playing various love songs when Commander Spock and Lieutenant Uhura are eating together in the mess hall is foolish.
(Nyota was scary when she was annoyed.)
If you see any of the Command Crew carrying a sleeping Ensign Chekov to bed, you saw nothing.
(Pavel sometimes overworked himself to exhaustion and either collapsed or had to be sedated so he would actually sleep.)
If Ensign Chekov is being carried by anyone else report it to the Captain immediately!
(Various jealous, corrupt and/or fake crewmembers had tried kidnapping Pavel to get at Jim and the rest of the Command Crew.)
The Command Crew is one of the most dysfunctional families in the universe; anger them at your peril.
(This one summed up most of the rules on the list.)
PS-Hopefully you enjoyed this and if any one wants to use any of these rules to write a full story then PM me.