Total Drama Outrage

Chapter 2: Belongings Bedlam

Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing related to the Total Drama Series, not one thing.

"Now listen up maggots, the mess hall is my domain and you will follow my rules," the sixteen unlucky campers had the dubious honour of listening to Chef ranting before serving their meals. On one hand, it delayed the gastronomic assault on their stomachs but on the other, who really wants to listen to Chef? "There will be three meals a day, ONLY when the challenge schedule permits it. There will be no brunch, no morning tea, no afternoon tea, no dessert and no midnight snacks. I do not take special requests; you will eat what I serve when I serve it. You will collect a tray containing a plate and cutlery and then form an orderly line to the service counter. Is all of that clear to you bootlickers?"

"Yes Chef!" chorused the assembled campers, well apart from some obvious exceptions like Matthew who shouted out something else entirely that can't be repeated here.

"Then get to it you no good slackers!" Everyone had no trouble collecting their trays but when it came to actually lining up, there was no particular rush to get there first. Donovan, who was apparently unconcerned by the prospect of severe food poisoning, shot the group a scornful look before striding up to the service counter to be first in line. Chef slopped a blob of what looked like green jelly stuffed with chunks of burnt toast on his plate. When Donovan didn't immediately move to take a seat, Chef pointedly looked him up and down. "You waiting for a bigger serving lard bucket?"

"No, it appears that you have mistakenly served me something that is not an edible form of sustenance," said Donovan.

"You got a problem with my mother's recipe maggot!?" demanded Chef, "clear out double time or I'll haul you into the brig!" Donovan wandered off to sit in the far corner of the mess hall while Marshall moved up to take his place.

"I'm fairly sure the brig is a naval term," he said, "I wasn't aware there was a battleship stationed off this island." Chef practically threw the blob of 'Jelly ala Burnt Toast' onto Marshall's plate from a distance.

"There'll be a battleship stationed on your head in a minute boy; I've been fighting since before you were born."

"A very long time before I was born by the looks of it," quipped Marshall as he easily ducked under Chef's swinging ladle and darted away to join Donovan in the far corner of the room. Alice was up next to receive her thoroughly bizarre meal but she didn't make it five paces towards a dining table before Wolf darted out of nowhere and snatched the tray from her before running outside with a victorious howl. Alice took a step back as though to re-join the line with a new tray but Chef stopped her dead with a glare.

"No seconds witch-girl, out of the line," he growled. Alice didn't looked overly put off by the prospect of missing her meal and merely smiled at Chef.

"No matter, I foresaw that the meal would give me a terrible stomach ache if I consumed it anyway," she said before resuming her previous course towards the closest table.

"That was theft and you know it!" whether Stacey had been next in line or she had cut in there just to harass Chef, she was extremely unhappy about Wolf's behaviour. "Aren't you going to something about it?"

"Yes, I'm going to serve food and you're going to leave."

"But there was a theft!"

"This is my jurisdiction and I say there was no theft! Take your food and go!"

"Fine, but I'll enforce the law if you won't" Stacey stormed away from the counter, took one look at Alice who appeared to be chanting in another language and decided to sit elsewhere. Billy took his opportunity to jump over the service counter and try another one of his ridiculous stories out.

"Sorry Chef, but I'm afraid I outrank you, I'll be dining in the Officer's Mess instead of with the grunts."

"What's that Cyclops? You ain't ever served anywhere!" At this point Chef's aim was so bad from anger that the jelly missed Billy's tray entirely and smacked into his face. Billy stumbled backwards and the jelly bounced away ricocheting off the ceiling and floor several times before it eventually hurtled out the door. Billy appeared to have been blinded in the event and stumbled away from the counter, struggling to wrench his eye patch off so he could see properly. More by luck than ability he managed to find his way to a seat at an empty table and fall into without injuring himself further.

"You know, I think I've seen this meal before, in a nightmare I once had," observed Lauren dreamily as she accepted her plate of jelly and burnt toast. "I couldn't taste it back then, for obvious reasons." Chef didn't even try to formulate a response and instead just pointed at the dining tables. "Oh, do we eat sitting down here? My mistake," she drifted off to take a seat beside Alice who had taken up drawing runes in the thick dust on the table by this point.

"Can you liquefy this?" Larry asked when his turn came around, "eating this in individual pieces with a spoon seems like far too much effort."

"Didn't you hear me scruffy boy!?" Chef was practically roaring, "No special requests in my kitchen! What do you people think this place is? A holiday resort!"

"Pal, I'm always on holiday so technically yes," Larry walked off to join Billy at his usual painfully slow pace, determined to waste as little energy as possible until he retrieved an easier way to travel from his luggage.

"Jelly's nice and all, but I'm fairly sure that this stuff is past its expiry date," said Heidi as she examined the serving Chef had given her. "And why is there even burnt toast in there, it just doesn't make sense to me." Before Chef had a chance to explode in rage or defend his mother's recipe, Everett had given up waiting and darted up to the service counter, slamming his tray down in front of Chef.

"This is legitimately a sample of alien life retrieved from a UFO that crashed into a bread factory!" enthused Everett, "I've got to have some of this for my studies!"

"It ain't your turn Crazy Kid, get back in line!" growled Chef.

"You know what? I think I'll pass on this meal, you can have mine Everett," offered Heidi, seeing any easy way to avoid having to eat the inedible slop Chef had served up. She gave Everett her tray and the two left to join Alice and Lauren, leaving a fuming Chef behind with Everett's abandoned tray. That turned out to be bad luck for Isaac who arrived next, still in full zombie paranoia mode.

"Aggression, enhanced strength, illogical thought processes, you've been bitten haven't you?" demanded Isaac as his food was served. His only reply was Chef hurling the abandoned tray at him at point blank range. Apparently dodging dining implements wasn't part of Isaac's zombie survival training because it crashed right into his chest before clattering loudly to the ground. "I'll take that as a no then man," Isaac beat a hasty retreat to sit beside Billy and immediately resumed his zombie talk that Chris had interrupted earlier.

"I see you've attempted to use the charcoal from the burnt toast to absorb the toxins from the expired jelly? Pointless but at least you tried, good recipe" commented Sandra as she analysed the substance on her plate. Well at least it was a better theory than Everett's, and it had the added bonus of not throwing Chef into a rage for once.

"My mother always was the best cook," said Chef wistfully, a single tear welling up in the corner of his eye. Unfortunately he realised Sandra was still there and flew into a rage. "What are you still doing here!? I got dust in my eye waiting for you to clear out!" At this point, only Chance, Maria, Cynthia and Matthew hadn't collected their meal yet. The two girls moved for the service counter but Chance stopped them before they could get in front Matthew who was randomly kicking a wall at the minute.

"One hundred to one odds we all die of food poisoning if we eat that," he warned them, "let Matthew make a distraction and then we'll slip through without attracting Chef's attention."

"Indeed, the well-dressed gentleman makes a good point, I would rather skip this lunch if I could possibly avoid it," agreed Cynthia in her regal tone.

"Fair enough, but if this all goes horribly wrong it wasn't my idea," warned Maria.

"You slackers hurry up down there! You think I've got all day to serve food to you maggots?" called Chef impatiently. Predictably, Matthew reacted in his usual over-the-top manner and charged at the serving counter.

"So I'm a maggot!? Yeah well I'll hit you so hard you'll FLY away!" he leapt up onto the counter and seized Chef's ladle before it could be swung at him. The jelly fell out of the ladle in the ensuing struggle and landed on the counter, just in time for Matthew to slip in it. His foot flew upwards and kicked Chef's hat right off his head before he crashed down onto the serving counter and rolled onto the floor. Matthew was screaming obscenities from the ground, and Chef was shouting something unintelligible about his hat so it was the perfect opportunity for the last three campers to make a break for the tables without Chef trying to stop them. By the time Matthew had limped over to join the others with one shoe covered in jelly and Chef found his hat, they were all safely seated.

"Weren't there more of you maggots after that hooded freak?" asked Chef, looking confused. When he received no response from the contestants he just shrugged and stalked off back to the kitchen, muttering something about needing a pay rise and 'lunch' continued without him.


Chef: And people say I have anger management problems, Mclean sure picked a bunch of freaks this season. I haven't seen anything like since I was back in the jungle… Chef's war story cuts out to static.

Chris: That. Was. Awesome! Can we get that kick where Chef's hat went flying in slow motion? That is so going to be included in the special edition box set of this season. Can you taste the ratings people?

Donovan's Corner

If anyone could handle Chef's cooking without complaint it would be Donovan and sure enough while other campers were still working up the courage to even touch their food, Donovan had already finished it. At this point he would have gone back to his stoic contemplation on the flaws on society if he hadn't been distracted by the constant squelching sounds made by Marshall trying to carve up the expired jelly on his plate with a spoon. Donovan was not used to having company and really hadn't wanted anyone near him, hence sitting in the far corner of the room. He shot one of his death glares at Marshall, who calmly returned his gaze without a word. This battle of wills continued for a solid minute before Donovan eventually broke the silence.

"Why are you here? I have no words for you."

"You're clearly the biggest threat here, haven't you heard the saying about keeping your enemies close?"

"My world is not split between friends and enemies, only those who are broken and those who are whole. I will help the weak become strong, there is no enmity involved."

"And if they don't want your help?"

"They will receive it nonetheless, now leave, there is much I must think on."

"Actually, I think I'll stay, this is a nice enough spot to eat lunch," whatever Marshall was up to, he was playing a dangerous game.

"So be it," rumbled Donovan, "but I will remember this," he pointedly turned his back on Marshall so he was facing the wall instead. Marshall made no attempt to resume the conversation and merely continued massacring his lunch as loudly as possible.


Marshall: For all his talk about how weak the rest of us are, Donovan clearly has his own problems, interacting with others being one of them. Maybe I can turn his own philosophy against him so he tries to fix himself instead of forcing his ideology onto the others. What? This game is going to be hard enough without a giant wandering around trying to break people so they become stronger, it's a strategic move.

The Ace Zombie Slayer Association

Isaac had officially turned the table he was sitting at into the headquarters of The Ace Zombie Slayer Association and was currently conducting its first meeting with his new members, Matthew, Billy and Larry purely because the lazy 'genius' happened to be sitting at the same table and decided that joining was easier than finding a new table. Isaac was dealing with the most important business of assigning roles with the organisation at the moment.

"Now as founder of this group, I'll be taking up the position of Leader as well as well Chief Strategistand Head of Compound Security. Larry, what skills are you bringing to the group?"

"Don't worry about it pal, I've got the driving situation under control. I'll be the guy that sits in the car waiting to drive off while you do all the work."

"Sounds good," actually it didn't but Isaac was already fully prepared to betray every member of the group if the zeds came. "So I'll put you down as a getaway driver, now Matthew, you still fine with being our distraction and frontline combatant?"

"I HATE zombies!" roared Matthew, his capacity for rage not at all damaged by his recent battle with Chef. "I'll hack them and slash them and rip them apart with my bare hands!"

"You could just said 'yes' you know man, no need for all the theatrics," complained Isaac before looking over at the last member of the group. "That leaves you Billy, where do you see yourself in our zombie fighting crew?"

"Now don't get offended here," started Billy, "but I think I'm far more qualified leadership than you are. Not to mention my superior tactical abilities, how about you turn all your titles over to me and you can be a scavenger or something."

"I'm in control of this crew, back down Billy," snarled Isaac, any respect he'd previously held for Billy vanishing instantly. "You can be a scavenger."

"I don't think so, for the good of the group I put this to a vote," Billy paused, daring Isaac to challenge his motion, "Unless of course you're some kind dictator using the zombie apocalypse to enforce your will on others."

"To hell with that! I'm just a survivor man, us against the zeds. Let's take it to a vote for leadership."

"Good, all in favour of Isaac leading, raise your hands," Billy may have been absolutely rubbish at telling believable lies but he knew what he was doing here. Larry was far too lazy to raise his hand and Matthew was lost in one of his rages, repeatedly punching the side of the table for no reason. Therefore it was only Isaac who raised his hand. Billy grinned at him victoriously, "Looks like you only got one vote, I'm fairly sure that's not a majority."

"They haven't even voted for you, there's no way you've won anything like that!"

"They don't need to, you only got one vote and I'm the only other candidate so the remaining votes must be for me. Any problems guys?"

"Whatever pal," muttered Larry before he upended his whole plate of jelly over his mouth, attempting to consume his lunch in one go to save effort.

"I HATE tables!" was all Matthew had to add, which was somehow even less helpful than Larry's comment. It was enough for Billy to assume victory anyway.

"Well there you, tough luck Isaac, how about we make you Head Scavenger as a compromise?" Isaac looked like he was going to lunge across the table and attack Billy for daring to usurp control over his zombie survival group but at the last minute he restrained himself and put on a very forced looking smile.

"Yeah that sounds fine, how about we move onto the next important piece of business? Deciding our defensive fall-back position if a zombie horde hits Wawanakwa?"


Billy: That was too easy, depending on how the teams are arranged controlling this zombie group could give me a fair bit of voting power. This is just a cautionary measure, I'm sure the other campers are far too impressed by my numerous accomplishments to ever try voting me off. Except for that Donovan guy, put he's pretty much Public Enemy Number One right now anyway so there's not much he can do. The million dollars is already mine. Have I told you about the other time I won a million dollars in a high stakes poker gang against the Grim Reaper? It was a dark and stormy night…

Isaac: Steal the zombie survival group I created? Billy is going down, I'll see him off this island ASAP but I'll play along for now until I can get rid of him. We better be on the same team so I can vote him off before merge.

Matthew: I HATE lunch!

Larry: All this zombie stuff sounds like too much hassle, these guys clearly aren't as much of a genius as I am.

Wawanakwa Police Department Criminal Investigation Division

When Maria, Chance and Cynthia escaped the horrors of Chef's cooking it was almost as though they'd jumped out of the fire and into the frying pan. Finding a seat in the dining area was like navigating a minefield. Obviously they weren't going to set foot near Donovan if they could avoid it; you never knew what the hulking teen was going to do next, only that it was probably bad news for someone. Chance rather quaintly referred to the group that had gathered around Alice in the centre of the room as 'The Crazy Train' and said it would be ill advised to sit in that area. Maria warned them off going anywhere near Isaac's group unless they wanted to get roped into zombie madness so that left joining Stacey or forming their own group and sitting elsewhere. In the end they figured an obsession with law enforcement was nearly as bad as what some of the other campers had going and took seats at Stacey's table.

"Well look what the cat dragged in," Stacey said as they sat down around her, her tone was hostile but there was a sense of relief not to have ended up alone in her voice. "A sneak-thief, a gangster and a…" she trailed off as she tried to figure out what kind of criminal Cynthia was.

"A perfectly respectable member of high society?" suggested Cynthia, "a beacon of civility?"

"I was thinking more along the lines of you being an individual who thinks their wealth puts them above the law but whatever," replied Stacey, "what are you all doing here anyway?"

"Wanted to see how the jelly was treating you," lied Chance, noticing only one spoonful appeared to be missing from the plate. "We missed out on our serving after Matthew started a rumble over there."

"I wouldn't know what it tastes like, I only took some for analysis at the lab to check whether this is a health and safety violation or if Chef is actually trying to poison us."

"The lab?" asked Maria, "I don't think there is a lab here; I mean our infirmary is only a tent with a few stretchers for pity's sake."

"Don't worry; I brought a chemical analysis set with my luggage. I'll be able to test it whenever Chris gets around to giving our stuff back."

"Chris practically steals all our belongings and I'm the one that gets called a sneak thief?" complained Maria, "I just can't catch a break can I?"

"Well why else would you be dressed all in black?" reasoned Stacey, "not to mention those headphones a shady hacker in a black van probably uses to feed you information on security systems."

"That's pretty dodgy logic, but at least you haven't accused me of being an android or cybernetically altered in some way." Cynthia's ears perked up at this, being the last to arrive she wasn't overly familiar with Everett's eccentricities.

"Someone accused you of being an android? It wasn't the boy in the red hood, Matthew I think, because I've already said that he seems quite disturbed."

"No it wasn't him, it was that paranoid loony Everett but the less said about him the better," said Maria. Chance produced a deck of cards from one his pockets and set it down on the table loudly.

"Since none of us are eating, anyone up for a game of poker?" he asked hopefully.

"I won't stand for illegal gambling," snapped Stacey, "no money can change hands."

"Fine," agreed Chance, "we'll just say you have to have a spoonful of the jelly and burnt toast surprise if you lose then."

"I'd rather not risk my stomach, isn't there something else?" asked Maria, she'd followed Chance's plan to avoid having to eat lunch and she didn't want to get caught by it now.

"Well you arrived earlier than us didn't you? If you lose you can tell us something about the other campers."

"Fair enough, I'm in."

"Agreed, a pleasant distraction before the challenges begin would be worthwhile," said Cynthia. Stacey still looked suspicious of Chance but she eventually shrugged.

"Sure but I'll be watching the whole time, remember that before you try anything shifty ok? I am the law on Wawanakwa."


Chance: I was hoping to learn something strategic about my opponents from Maria but I pretty much just got informed that pretty much everyone on this island is crazy. It makes me wonder if Chris deliberately chose them for that reason. Kind of makes me a little offended to have been picked you know? I mean I like cards, it's not like I'm running around attacking pieces of furniture, howling like a wolf or calling people androids and giants, geez.

Maria: I don't know what's more depressing, how badly I fail at poker or just how easy it was to remember all the crazy things the others have been up to since they arrived. I mean if we'd been here longer I could blame it on cabin fever but people are this bad on the first day? Not looking forward to the rest of season let me tell you that.

Stacey: Chance was up to something, I'm sure of it. It might not have been illegal but it was sneaky and I don't like sneaky. Stacey hears what sounds like footsteps moving behind the confessional. Hey!? Is someone sneaking around at there, invasion of privacy!

Cynthia: Lucky we weren't playing for money, I mean I could have handled it but Chance is a real card shark. It wouldn't be polite to call him out in public but I'm fairly sure he was rigging all those games, no one is that lucky.

The Crazy Train

"I call it the semi-solid face of wobbly nightmare fuel!" announced Lauren proudly, showing off the face she had managed to create on her plate with jelly.

"Semi-solid?" Sandra winced at the term, "the appropriate term is hydrocolloid."

"A hydrocolloid sounds like some kind of alien though," said Heidi, "I like the face though Lauren, good job using bits of burnt toast for eyes." It was probably a mistake to mention aliens near Everett, both Heidi and Sandra had given him their servings and he had spent the entirety of lunch dissecting the jelly with a spoon trying to find alien organs or something.

"I recognise the flesh samples as though from a globular type alien species," muttered Everett distractedly, "but all the ones I know of have some kind of vital organs and I can't find anything here. Is it possible they were all harvested?"

"I don't sense any energy signature coming off this alien flesh," mused Alice, "The psychic energies must be too foreign to Earth for me to accurately detect."

"Guys, I hate to be a buzzkill, but it's just JELLY!" Sandra shouted the last word, as if her increased volume somehow made her comment more convincing.

"Hey look Everett! A flying saucer!" Heidi laughed and threw her plate across the room where it shattered against the wall over Donovan's head. Thankfully if Donovan was irritated or disturbed by this occurrence he didn't let it show. In fact Everett looked significantly more disturbed and the plate hadn't landed anywhere near him.

"Do you think he protected himself from the plate with telekinesis?" he asked anxiously, "some kind of force field?" Heidi just rolled her eyes.

"Someone needs to force him to have fun maybe. Wonder what he and Marshall are talking about over there though."

"Nothing by the looks of it," Lauren observed dreamily, "should we invite them to join us instead?"

"I foresee Donovan would refuse, and Marshall has another agenda," observed Alice, "oh, and we're about to have an unexpected guest."

"Oh wow, should I give you my life savings now or later?" asked Sandra sarcastically, "as if_" the scientist was cut off by a sudden howl as Wolf burst back into the room and made a beeline for their table at a rapid pace. Before anyone had a chance to realise what she was planning to do, she'd already sprang up onto the table, seized Everett's tray full of mutilated jelly and fled back outside. "Coincidence!" snapped Sandra after several moments of confused silence enveloped the table.

"Well that was exciting," said Lauren, "do you suppose she's going to come back for my plate?"

"I hope not, he seems quite disturbed by the first incident, a second would be catastrophic," observed Alice. Everett was slowly rocking backwards and forwards in seat, muttering something about how he couldn't trust anyone.

"Well looks like I've found the party table!" announced Heidi, "this place is a laugh a minute."

"Arguing about jelly makes for a party?" asked Sandra incredulously. Heidi laughed and shot her a wink.

"Trust me; all the best parties involve jelly."


Heidi: What? Don't they ever serve jelly at the parties you go to? Everyone knows it's a great party food. Heidi looks at the camera curiously, what did you think I was talking about?

Everett: That crazy werewolf stole my sample of alien life! This is an outrage, I'd call my lawyer but one, I don't have a lawyer and two; I don't think the court handles werewolf related theft of alien artifacts. Normal laws just don't seem to cover this situation you know?

Sandra: Why was I sitting with them? Just why!? There was no logic at that table. Alice was still posing as a psychic, Everett seems to think that expired jelly is actually alien flesh; Wolf keeps stealing said expired jelly, Lauren is completely spaced out and Heidi threw a plate at the wall just to mess with Everett! Pure lunacy, that's what this is.

Lauren: I wonder why Wolf keeps stealing all that jelly. Do you suppose she's getting ready to hibernate for the winter? Do wolves hibernate, or is that bears? I wish I could hibernate during winter.

Alice: I can't get a sense as to whether Everett believed it was alien flesh of his own free will or whether the idea forcibly implanted into his mind. It's very interesting to think about.

Donovan: The red-haired one who laughs obnoxiously threw a plate at me. This insult cannot stand. If one wishes to fight me, they should challenge me to a duel, not hurl plates from a distance.

Wolf: There is no sign of jelly anywhere and Wolf just smiles at the camera without a word.

Lunch, not that many people were eating anyway, was interrupted as Chris' voice blared out from four different intercoms at different corners of the room. Unfortunately they were all out of sync and the words grating, constantly echoing and interrupting each other.

"Attention losers! That means all of you by the way. Report outside the mess hall immediately for the first challenge, oh, and you really don't want to miss out on this one, trust me."

"The hell Mclean?" demanded Maria, "what do you mean challenge we aren't even in teams yet!"

"Don't argue with an intercom," replied Chris, "it makes you look craaaaaaaaaaazy. Now all of you get outside, I don't have all day here."

"He's right," grumbled Chance, "he doesn't have all day, he has all SEASON, what's the rush?"

"He sounds rather eager for us to get out there," worried Cynthia, "do you think he's done something terrible?"

"It's Chris Mclean," snapped Stacey, "of course he's done something terrible, let's get out there before he snaps and does something worse." The Ace Zombie Slayers were first out the door, followed by Marshall who could cross the room remarkably quickly. Stacey, Maria, Chance and Cynthia hurried out after him, leaving only The Crazy Train to drift out after them with Donovan bringing up the rear, as if to make sure no one tried to avoid the challenge. The sixteen campers assembled in a loose formation in front of Chris Mclean who surprisingly didn't have a torture rack or any other sadistic looking equipment set up. Chef was lurking behind him, glaring at the oblivious Matthew.

"You won't need teams for this challenge, feel free to work with or hinder anyone you feel like," said Chris, "just be aware that any enemies you might make here might end up on the same team as you later. Does that answer your question, Maria," he glared pointedly at her. "Any more of you budding psychopaths have something to say before I explain the challenge?"

"Yeah, where's my stuff," asked Larry, "all this walking is too much hassle."

"Funny you should ask that Larry," a sadistic grin split Chris' face wide open, "where is your stuff?"

"Oh you have got to be kidding," groaned Marshall.

"I HATE thieves!" roared Matthew

"I suspected such an event would happen," said Donovan, sounding somehow pleased with this occurrence despite the fact his possessions had been taken along with everyone else's.

"I call this challenge, Belongings Bedlam!" Chris told them proudly, "a fitting name considering you lot," cackled Chris.

"Hurry this up Mclean! I need my zombie survival kit back pronto," complained Isaac.

"For someone who doesn't have all day he sure is taking his time," agreed Heidi.

"Can it! I'm the host here remember! As I was saying… Belongings Bedlam is a scavenger hunt over the island of Wawanakwa, searching for your belongings. Each of you will receive a clue leading you wherever your suitcase, backpack, knapsack or steamer trunk etcetera happens to be stashed. Do not return here until you have found your possessions. The order in which you make it back will be significant. Chef, hand out the clues." Chef moved into the crowd of campers holding a bucket of wooden pieces that were supposedly the clues and began handing them out roughly to their respective contestants. Chris clapped cheerfully once all the contestants had their clues. "The challenge starts now! Report back here once you find what you're looking for!"


Chris: It really isn't safe for them to leave their belongings out there, anything could happen to them. Chris laughs maliciously but who'd tamper with their stuff? I can't think of anyone.

Most of the campers bolted off like a shot when Chris started the challenge, whether it was out of eagerness to find their stuff or a desire to get away from Chris and Chef didn't really matter. Larry of course was one of those who took their time, merely strolling away until he was a reasonable distance from the mess hall before casually tossing his clue over his shoulder. Maria who happened to be walking past was forced to duck as the wooden clue sailed over her head.

"What's the big idea Larry!? Don't you sort of need that clue to find your stuff," she asked in annoyance, wondering if anyone else was going to try and kill her today. The sinking boat had been bad enough without random projectiles flying around.

"Nah pal, I don't need that rubbish, decoding clues is_"

"Yeah I know, too much hassle, so you're just going to give up your stuff?"

"As if, don't you know I'm a genius of laziness? Why go and get my luggage, when it can come to me?"

"Don't tell me you believe if you sit here long enough your luggage will just suddenly fall out of the sky?"

"Nah, my trunk is motorised and remote controlled, why carry your luggage when it can carry you instead?" Larry paused to produce a compact cube from one of his pockets. He pressed a button on the top and the device rapidly unfolded, revealing a remote control. He tapped a button labelled, 'return' and then lay down on the grass, apparently satisfied that his luggage would arrive on its own. "Sophisticated path finding as well, motion sensors and all that jazz, should get back here quick smart."

"Did you make that yourself?" Maria asked, impressed in spite of herself, how could a master of laziness pull that off?

"Told you I'm a genius, it's a question of investing a large amount of effort to build something now that will reduce all effort expenditure later." It appeared the only thing that could make Larry put in effort was the prospect of investing less effort in the future.

"Well bully for you, I'm going to be stuck out there looking for hours to find my stuff," Maria huffed in irritation and stalked off in the direction of the beach, which the crude picture on her clue seemed to be depicting. A clue saying that her stuff was, 'somewhere on the beach' was pretty vague, Maria didn't know whether she'd just find it lying around or if she'd have to dig up half the beach. "I hate this show already."

The Ace Zombie Slayer Association (Under new management and currently minus Larry)

The three members of the zombie slayer association who didn't have the luxury of motorised luggage were currently deep in the woods, armed with sticks, 'helping' Billy with his clue. Matthew kept disappearing to attack trees and random wildlife while Isaac was busy trying to sabotage his new arch nemesis at every turn. Billy's clue had shown a picture of a rock but rather than going to near the cliffs or beach Isaac had insisted they would find the rock in the woods. Now his plan was using Larry's absence in attempt to sow dissent against Billy's leadership.

"You know, if I was in charge," started Isaac, "we'd never leave a man behind." Billy just snorted at the idea, as if it was ridiculous to care for teammates.

"As if, everyone knows that minor characters only exist to sacrifice themselves so the hero can go on and save the world. Besides Larry's a liability, he's the kind of guy that doesn't survive the initial outbreak if you ask me. His house probably isn't a fortified mansion like mine is, electric fence and everything."

"You hear that Matthew? He could decide that you're a liability next." Isaac stopped and looked around in confusion when there was no response from Matthew, enraged or otherwise. He appeared to have disappeared again without either of them noticing, only much further away than usual this time since they couldn't hear his cries of rage. "Look, you've lost another one, I don't mean to offend you but this is plainly bad leadership."

"He better be off looking for rocks instead of his own clue, whatever it was."

"I think it was a picture of squirrel," replied Isaac, "though the teeth looked kind of big." At that moment the relative quiet of the forest was shattered by the furious rustling of leaves and cracking of branches, the sound getting closer and closer with each passing second.

"I HATE feral squirrels!" the familiar sound of Matthew raging reached them as he burst out of thicket of trees to join Isaac and Billy in the clearing. He had managed to retrieve his backpack from the feral mutant squirrels, unfortunately a dozen of them were still clinging to him, clawing and biting. Isaac and Billy sprang into action, striking at the squirrels with their sticks but seemed to be hitting Matthew more than anything else. By the time the squirrels finally retreated back to the treetops, Matthew was severely scratched and bruised, bleeding from several small wounds.

"That wouldn't have happened if we'd stuck together," fumed Billy, "we were supposed to find my suitcase first then all three of us could have gone after the squirrels."

"Need. More. Than. Three," gasped Matthew as he tried to regain his breath after his desperate flight from the squirrels.

"Chill man," said Isaac, "we got rid of them."

"There's more, so many more." An ominous chattering sound rang out from the trees around them and as they looked up they could see dozens more rabid squirrels had assembled, staring at them with hateful eyes. "RUN!" The three of them fled helter skelter into the woods, pursued by the forces of bushy-tailed vengeance.

The Thousand Foot Cliff

Heidi was poking around in the grass at the top of the thousand foot cliff, a picture of which was on her clue. The cliff that is, her clue wasn't a picture of grass, though no one would put it past Mclean to provide a clue like that. "How can all my suitcases be hidden up here, I would have seen them by now," Heidi said crossly, talking to herself. "Either this is a bad joke or someone beat me here and stole them."

There was a sudden bark as Wolf announced her arrival, bounding up to Heidi and handing her a clue. "Um, I already have a clue." Wolf shook her head and pointed at herself before repeatedly shrugging. "Oh you don't know what it is?" Wolf nodded in response to this. "Ok, it is a pretty bad picture; if I had to hazard a guess I'd say it's a shark. Or a particularly mean looking dolphin." Wolf only stared at her blankly. "Whoops, um, do you understand this?" Heidi used her hand to make the shape of a fin over her head and circled around Wolf who barked happily and bolted to the edge of the cliff, leaping off before Heidi had a chance to say anything further. There was a long howl followed a splash and then silence once more.

"I'm just that good," bragged Heidi, momentarily forgetting her own search and strolling over to the cliff edge to see if Wolf was getting mauled by sharks or not. Wolf hadn't risen to the surface yet, but Heidi spotted something else, her excessive collection of suitcases piled on a ledge a short distance below the edge. She quickly dropped flat onto her stomach and reached down, grabbing the handle of the closest suitcase and slowly crawling backwards to haul it back up onto the cliff top. Her movement dislodged a loose rock from the edge of the ledge and sent in tumbling down towards the water below. By sheer bad luck, Donovan happened to be in the water below the cliff, diving to retrieve his submerged luggage when the rock crashed down into the water mere inches away from him. He looked up to see Heidi returning to grab her second suitcase and thought this was yet another cowardly attack.

"Another attack in the space of an hour!" he shouted furiously, waving his hands at her. "Come down here and fight honourably!" Up at the top of the cliff, Heidi could see Donovan waving but couldn't hear a word he was saying and mistook it for a friendly gesture.

"Hi Donovan!" she waved back cheerfully, "that's surprisingly friendly of him, I didn't think he liked me very much." As she watched the water below, Wolf re-emerged, a drenched knapsack clutched between her teeth and furious shark swimming after her. The psychotic man-eating shark paused, unable to decide whether to go after the fleeing Wolf or attack Donovan who was still flailing furiously in the water. Donovan suddenly dived beneath the surface, his movement prompting the shark to go after him. Heidi shrugged as they both vanished from sight. "Glad I'm not down there." Yet more indistinguishable cries sounded from behind Heidi and she turned around to see Isaac, Matthew and Billy running towards her. "Well, aren't I popular today?"

"RUN!" Isaac finally shouted with enough volume for Heidi to hear what he was saying, though at this point it was no longer necessary. She could now see the vengeful horde of squirrels pursuing them and realised that it wasn't about to be safe up here for much longer. Still holding the second suitcase she had retrieved, Heidi hurled herself over the side of the cliff, screaming all the way down. Moments later the three zombie slayers were plummeting down after her, squirrels still in pursuit, scurrying down the cliff face.


Chris: Ha! I didn't even have to make the thousand foot cliff part of the challenge; campers are just throwing themselves off it anyway! Those mutant squirrels deserve a pay rise. Nah, who am I kidding, I don't even pay Chef half the time.

The Beach

Maria had headed down the beach in search of her belongings instead she was confronted by the most the peculiar scene she had ever come across in her life. Wolf, Billy, Donovan, Matthew, Isaac and Heidi were all out in the water, unfortunately so were several psychotic sharks and a legion of enraged mutant squirrels. Donovan hadn't found the time to retrieve his own suitcase during the chaos but luckily Heidi had brought one down with her. He seized it and started thrashing around him the water, using it as a flail in an attempt to beat the sharks off. Meanwhile the crash landing had managed to rip Matthew's backpack open revealing that 'someone' had stuffed it with acorns.

"Ugh, I HATE acorns!" Matthew grabbed a fistful of them and hurled them at the nearest shark. In an instant the squirrels forgot the three boys existed and tried to attack the psychotic sharks instead. Using the ensuing mutant smack down as a diversion, the six teenagers in the water managed to desperately swim back to shore without further incident. An exhausted Billy stumbled upright from the sand and tried to lean against a stray boulder for support but the thing just rolled away, revealing itself to be made of painted cardboard. Underneath its previous location was Billy's luggage, hidden under a rock just like the clue had said.

"YES! My Doctorate in Archaeology finally paid off!" bragged Billy, "I knew there was something off about that rock." Isaac coughed up a mouthful of sea water and began cursing his head off, mostly because of Billy being so lucky. Maria thought he was swearing due to his injuries and ran over to see how bad it was.

"What the hell happened to you guys?" she asked, "you look like you've been savaged by wild animals."

"Because we were savaged by wild animals," snapped Isaac, pulling himself upright and looking over at Matthew and Billy. "Come on guys, just my stuff left to find." The three injured zombie slayers staggered off the beach, to track down their final location, denoted by a picture of a beaver on Isaac's clue card.

"Most of my suitcases are still up the cliff," said Heidi glumly, she only had the one Donovan had used to fight the sharks. She directed a dazzling smile at Donovan, "I'm so tired, could you collect them for me so I can rest down here?" Donovan scowled at her furiously, as if her question was a grave insult to him.

"You lent me a weapon against the razor fins and so I will forgive your transgressions against me for now but do not push your luck." Donovan turned his back on her and swam back out into the water, he still had to retrieve his sunken luggage after all, despite the fact the waters were still shark infested.

"What's his problem?" asked Heidi, "he seemed really friendly before," Maria just stared at her incredulously, wondering how anyone could use 'friendly' and 'Donovan' seriously in the same sentence. "I suppose I'll have to go back up there myself then." Wolf stopped shaking water out of hair and barked happily, pointing at herself before running off back towards the path up the cliff. "Oh that's nice; she didn't have to help just because I explained her clue."

"Isn't it weird that a girl who thinks she's an animal is probably twice as helpful than anyone else on the island? Go figure that one out," mused Maria.

"Speaking of figuring things out, I think I'm really good at this whole clue thing, do you need help with yours?"

"I don't know? Do you want to help me dig up the entire beach because that's the only clue I have."


Maria: Maria looks exhausted and her clothes are covered in sand. I. Hate. Chris. Mclean.

Chris: Are you kidding me? That was any easy clue, spending hours randomly digging up the beach in the hot sun is positively tame by my standards. Now, the acorns and the feral squirrels, that was a stroke of genius!

Hillside above Grizzly Bear Cave

For Everett, finding his suitcase wasn't the problem, in fact, it was so little of a problem that he'd stumbled across it quite by accident. It was only a few feet in front of him, resting on the side of an oddly shaped mound of dirt. No, the problem Everett was having with this challenge was his paranoia, and his tendency to jump to ridiculous conclusions. Upon studying his clue, Everett had decided that it depicted some sort of insectoid alien and had only climbed this hill to get a better view of the sky. Finding his clue on a seemingly ordinary mound of dirt with no aliens in sight left Everett at a loss and he was sure there was a trap here somewhere.

After retrieving a sturdy tree branch, Everett was pacing around the mound of dirt, prodding both it and the ground nearby in the hopes of setting something off. "Removing my suitcase must be what sets off the trap," mused Everett, "some kind of pressure pad, or it's covering a beacon that will draw the aliens here to abduct me. Unfortunately while Everett was busy thinking about invaders from the stars, he was unaware of approaching invaders of a far more mundane kind. The 'mound of dirt' was actually and ant mound, housing a colony of extremely aggressive Wawanakwa Razor Ants, many of which were coursing up the tree branch Everett was still casually holding. The paranoid teenager didn't realise anything was wrong until the first wave of ants reached his fingers and began to furiously attack him.

Searing pain surged through Everett's hand and he cried out in shock, flailing his arms wildly before he realised how the ants were getting at him and dropped the stick. It was far too late though, his desperate flailing had only succeeded in flinging ants onto his face where they resumed their painful biting spree. Clawing at his face, a now blinded Everett stumbled forwards, tripped on the discarded tree branch and crashed right into his suitcase. The combined weight of Everett's suitcase and the force with which he struck it smashed right through the ant hill. Swarms of ants erupted from the shattered remains of their home to avenge this grievous insult. If it wasn't for one little fact they might well have eaten him alive. The ant hill had been located at the top of the steep slope above the Grizzly Bear Cave and after smashing through it the suitcase wasn't going to stop. With Everett clinging to it, still covered in ants and shouting something about insectoid assaults, the suitcase raced down the hillside at increasingly high speed.

Meanwhile at the bottom of the hill, a certain grizzly bear was disturbed by the noise of rapidly approaching screaming and emerged from the mouth of his cave to investigate. He never got a chance to turn around before the Everett-Suitcase-Wawanakwa Razor Ant comet racing over the cave roof soared through the air and crashed landed right on the bear's back. Everett was flung clear through the air to land several feet away in a daze, finally free of ants. The suitcase also fell clear of the bear, thudding into the ground where it popped open and another smaller suitcase flew out and landed near the tree line. The ants however had latched onto the unlucky grizzly. Swarmed by frenzied ants and suffering from having a teenager and two sets of luggage smash into his back, the bear gave pained yelp and bounded off into the woods, leaving the cave unguarded.

"Had a feeling I should join you," said Alice, emerging from the trees with Cynthia in tow, "I thought my luggage might just show up in this area," she pointed at the second suitcase that had been released from Everett's case.

"Everett had your belongings?" asked Cynthia, "how peculiar, I wonder why Chris would hide your stuff there. Seems an odd sort of place to hide something, was your clue a picture of Everett?"

"No, my clue is blank; I think Chris was making a joke about a psychic not needing a clue. Either that or he was saying Everett has nothing in his head, one of the two."

"How bizarre, well at least you were right about the bear not being a problem; I can just stroll right into the cave and collect my luggage without having to worry about him anymore."

"Stop playing the kazoo!" shouted Everett randomly, stirring from his daze. "Ugh, what hit me?" he noticed how he was absolutely covered in angry bite marks, "and what bit me?" He hauled himself back upright and looked around furiously for some sort of culprit, "was it Wolf, does she maul people!? Gross!"

"If I had to hazard a guess I'd say you were bitten by a rather large number of ants," suggested Cynthia, "Wolf was never here, and I don't think she bites people either."

"Well if it isn't Richy McRich and the Terrible Telepath, should have known you two would be prowling around up to no good."

"Calm yourself, Alice and I are just taking part in the scavenger hunt like you."

"Indeed," agreed Alice, "I found my belongings mere minutes ago and I was just about to return to Chris, would you like to join me?"

"Oh yeah, because if physical attacks aren't bad enough I'd love to have a psychic digging through my head as well," drawled Everett sarcastically, "you go ahead of me, I don't trust your eyes boring into my mind."

"If you say so," if Alice was offended she didn't show it and simply drifted off amongst the trees, carrying her suitcase with her.

"Excuse me, I really must get on with the challenge," said Cynthia, "good day to you Everett." Cynthia left as well entering the now empty bear cave in order to retrieve her luggage. Everett was left to collect his own fallen luggage and walk off in a pointedly different direction to the way Alice had gone.


Everett: still covered in bite marks and looks short of breath I was not lost in the woods, it's called strategically taking an unexpected route to avoid a hostile target. Look it up!

Cynthia: Richy McRich? Not the politest of gentlemen is he? Who speaks to a lady like that? I think he meant to shout 'cuckoo' instead of 'kazoo', he's quite mad if you ask me.

Alice: Is someone watching this with a name that starts with D? Just had the feeling that seven is your lucky number, sorry to disturb you.

The Dock of Shame

While many of the campers were having a very violent and painful experience tracking down their belongings, Marshall had ended up with a strangely relaxing task. His clue had been a picture of a fish and what's the best way to find a fish? Apparently not by fishing because Marshall had been sitting on the dock fishing away hours of his life without a single bite, though with some of the aquatic life around Camp Wawanakwa that was probably a good thing. Marshall was using a cruddy old fishing rod and some bait he'd taken from the boathouse. Also from the boat house was the large black case he was using as a seat, after checking no ticking noises were coming from it of course. He might have slowly drifted off to sleep if this had continued for much longer but the silence was soon interrupted by two arrivals. Lauren, looking as though she'd been doused in a river of purple paint and Sandra, covered in mud, had turned up to investigate why Marshall was fishing of all things. They both had retrieved their luggage but Chris obviously hadn't made it easy for them.

"I don't mean to alarm you, but THIS IS A CHALLENGE!" shouted Sandra, "why are you sitting here fishing while I nearly died in a mud pit!"

"Someone was very careless with the paint in the Arts and Crafts building, and they left all those tripwires lying around," said Lauren, sounding relaxed as always.

"My clue was a fish so I'm fishing," Marshall said simply with a shrug, "I don't see the problem here."

"Well there's a little thing about there being no way in hell a FISH could have your luggage, you weren't supposed to take it so literally."

"Ah, but my clue shows a giant fish, so that could totally have eaten my luggage or something," Marshall showed his clue to the girls and Lauren nodded sagely upon seeing it.

"He's right that is clearly picture of a giant fish as opposed to a normal fish. The distinction is obvious."

"Don't encourage him Lauren," snapped Sandra "it's all a load of_" at that moment the fishing line went taught and a frenzy of bubbles burst up to the surface. Marshall heaved upwards and began reeling furiously. "It's just a rock or something," Marshall was still struggling to haul his catch to the surface, sweat running down his face as he exerted all his strength. "Maybe a submerged boulder," tried Sandra. It wasn't any sort of rock; an old fashioned steamer trunk with Chance clinging to it was actually what Marshall had caught. The drenched card shark was hauled onto the dock where he rolled off his trunk, gasping for breath.

"Found my stuff under the dock, it was stuck on something," was all the explanation Chance offered in response to their confused stares.

"Yeah, it got caught on my fishing line," said Marshall, "what did you think was happening?"

"Thought that giant fish I saw down there was trying to kill me, kind of hard to think straight under water you know."

"Great, I knew there was a giant fish hanging around here with my luggage," said Marshall, "you three better get back to the camp ground, some extreme fishing is about to go down here."

"Thieves, imbeciles, bumbling incompetents!" the door of the boathouse slammed open and Stacey stormed out, waving her clue around angrily. "They give me a picture of the boat house and I turn the whole place upside down and there's NOTHING! Is this some kind of sick joke!?"

"Marshall, why does your seat have WPD written on it?" asked Lauren suddenly, with possibly the worst timing ever. The martial artist glanced down at the box he was sitting on and realised far too that it probably belonged to Stacey.

"You! You stole it," raged Stacey, "you'll regret that you little thief, you'll be in jail for the rest of your miserable life!" Chance, Sandra and Lauren scattered and ran back for the finish line as Stacey charged at Marshall and wrenched the black case out from beneath him, sending him tumbling over the side of the dock into the water.


Marshall: soaked with water she could have just asked for it back you know, it was an honest mistake. No need to hurl me into the ocean over it. Found the giant fish while I was down there though, so that was a plus, seriously, who feeds a suitcase to a mutant fish anyway?

Lauren: Does purple suit me? It's a nice colour.

Stacey: in mid rant… FIFTY YEARS! See you in court you… static cut of her off.

Sandra: Oh Science, why have you abandoned Wawanakwa, and why did you take all the sense with you?

Hours later, In front of the Mess Hall

"Nice of you losers to finally show up," announced Chris as the final camper made it back to the mess hall with his stuff. "Not impressed by your performance people, not impressed at all. Matthew, nice work stealing those acorns dude, you pretty much wiped out the squirrel population of Camp Wawanakwa with that little stunt, turned them into shark bait."

"What!? I didn't steal those acorns!" raged Matthew, "this is a frame up!"

"Billy and Isaac," continued Chris as if he hadn't heard Matthew, "beating animals with sticks? Not cool dudes, admittedly you did more damage to Matthew than the squirrels but still, not cool."

"Come on Mclean, you know I meant to hit Matthew, I was trying to subdue him in case the squirrels gave him rabies," lied Billy.

"You beat ill people with sticks?" asked Isaac, "that's sick man."

"Heidi, repeatedly trying to kill a fellow camper, I like your style but save it for later in the season ok? We need to build up to that."

"I have no idea what you're talking about," said Heidi, looking confused, "I didn't try to kill anyone." She was oblivious to the glare Donovan was directing at her.

"What about you Everett, proud of destroying that ant colony? Or severely injuring that grizzly bear? Didn't think you were so violent dude."


Grizzly: is covered in ant bites and wearing a back brace as he holds up a picture of Everett and growls threateningly.

"And we can't forget Stacey, some officer of the law you turned out to be, vandalising the boat house, assaulting a fellow contestant. However, the despite the damage you've inflicted on property, wildlife and each other, you've all made it back." Chef appeared from the mess hall to join Chris, rolling a trolley holding a widescreen television showing a list of names in front of the campers. The totally accurate order of your arrivals which definitely wasn't compiled by a pack of incompetent interns is shown on this screen, read it and weep campers, read it and weep." Chef trudged off to fetch something else while the campers were left to check the results.

1. Larry

2. Isaac

3. Matthew

4. Billy

5. Wolf

6. Alice

7. Heidi

8. Sandra

9. Lauren

10. Chance

11. Donovan

13. Maria

14. Cynthia

15. Everett

16. Marshall

Marshall didn't look overly put out to have arrived in last place, "The giant fish just weren't biting, took me ages to get my luggage free."

"Excuses, excuses!" said Chris, "luckily this isn't an elimination challenge or you'd be on the chopping block. No, the order in which you arrived, or which our unpaid interns vaguely think you arrived at least, will determine which team you are placed on." Chef reappeared once more, this time holding two flags, one blue and one green. "This season we will have; The Killer Critics," pointed at the blue flag with a picture of stick figure with an angry face pointing a shotgun at a television, "and The Screaming Fans," he pointed at the green flag, this one showing a screaming audience at a concert. Chef unfurled the flags, Killer Critics to Chris' left and Screaming Fans to the right. "All of you who arrived on an odd number, one, three, five etcetera, are now Killer Critics, those of you with even arrival numbers, two, four, six etcetera, are Screaming Fans. Move to stand by your team's flag." The television screen updated to show the new teams, eight members in each.

Killer Critics









Screaming Fans









"Your team flags have been thoughtfully hung over your respective cabins," continued Chris when all contestants had moved into place. "I'm sure you'll remember they are split in two, girl's entrance to the left and boys to the right. Now dinner is waiting for you inside so you can enjoy a 'friendly' meal with your new teammates, now scram!"

Mess Hall: Killer Critics Table

"I will make something clear to you," the Killer Critics had barely taken their seats before Donovan had started up. "For now, we are allies, but do not expect me to forgive weakness or ignore faults. Whether you compete with me or against me, my mission to eradicate the weakness in you remains." He paused to turn his intense gaze onto Heidi, "I will not suffer another attack from you, teammate or not." Heidi nudged Maria who was sitting next to her and whispered;

"Is he talking to me? Because I don't remember trying to kill him."

"He was looking right at you," replied Maria, "I don't know what you did but he's got a problem with you."

"Yo Donmeister!" called Larry, "I'll vote for you to be team leader if I don't have to do anything hard in challenges."

"Your laziness will be your end Larry, I will_"

"I vote for Wolf," interrupted Everett, "because she doesn't give stupid speeches about weakness." Wolf barked approvingly, briefly looking up from the plate of Mystery Meat Chef had served up.

"You're right Ev," agreed Larry, "I change my vote to Wolf because if she can't speak then she can't order me around."

"You wish for a leader who is not a leader? Must you be foolish as well as lazy?" demanded Donovan, "and my speeches are not stupid, they hold great meaning."

"Oh," said Lauren, "do you have a speech on the meaning of life? Because I'm sort of interested in hearing about that."

"We must all find our own meaning," said Donovan, "mine is to eradicate weakness."

"I HATE weakness!" it wasn't surprising that Matthew had unleashed another hateful outburst, that he'd restrained himself until now was the surprise. "And I HATE speeches, El Lobo gets my vote for leadership." Wolf didn't seem to realise that El Lobo referred to her so Maria quickly explained.

"El Lobo means the Wolf, he was voting for you," Wolf grinned and clapped her hands excitedly, increasing Donovan's frustration.

"I have great respect for Wolf but she cannot be a leader, cease this vote immediately," he commanded.

"Can I vote for El Loco too?" asked Heidi, "just because the name sounds cool." Everett's head snapped around to look at her.

"Who're you calling crazy?" he demanded, "You think I see funny lights in the sky? Mistake weather balloons for UFOs?" Lauren stared at him curiously.

"I didn't know ant venom contained hallucinogens, how strange."

"Trust me; he was like that before the ant bites," said Maria, "it doesn't get any better."

"Whatevs pals, Wolf wins the vote, congrats, can I sleep now?" asked Larry.

"You will regret this foolishness," warned Donovan, "who will you vote for next, Heidi's hair ribbon? Matthew's hoodie? Everett's sunglasses? You will get the same result either way."


Heidi: Donovan really needs to take a chill pill; he's so serious all the time. Who cares if Wolf doesn't speak, he shouldn't compare her to an inanimate object. Though my hair ribbon is pretty awesome, I will say.

Matthew: I hate everything, but I hate Wolf slightly less than Donovan so she got my vote.

Lauren: I made Wolf a captain's hat out of a napkin, all leaders need a hat, it's a perk of the job.

Wolf: smiling proudly wearing her napkin sailor hat.

Mess Hall: Screaming Fans Table

"Now it may be fairly obvious, but in light of my extensive training and experience in the field of leadership, I'm the best choice as leader of this team," said Billy, full of himself as usual. "Any challenges to my appointment?"

"I've got one," said Marshall, "I find you unsuitable for leadership on the grounds that ninety-nine point nine percent of the stuff you say is complete and utter bullshit."

"I wouldn't put it quite so harshly," said Cynthia, "but you do have a tendency to bend the truth Billy. We need an honest leader."

"I've never told a lie in my life, this is a conspiracy against me," Billy whirled around to glare at Isaac, "you turned them against in a rage over how I took control of your group." Despite the fact Isaac couldn't have managed that without a time machine; Billy was determined to blame him.

"What's this about a group?" asked Sandra, "have you been making alliances already Billy?"

"A criminal organisation is more like it," accused Stacey, "I always knew you were shady."

"He's shady alright," agreed Isaac, "but the group is just about killing zo_"

"Murder!?" exclaimed Stacey, "You're all hired killers!?"

"Oh yes, they have killed thousands," said Alice, "Though they weren't paid to do it."

"What my 'psychic' teammate has forgotten to mention is the fact these thousands they've killed are all just video game characters," explained Chance, before Stacey could totally flip out about this new piece of information.

"Guys could we get back to the whole secret alliance thing?" asked Sandra, "Billy, you better tell us how many people you have voting with you."

"If he does that, it sort of ruins the whole thing about secrecy you know," said Marshall, "besides I'm fairly sure his group has no power whatsoever."

"You have no idea the connections I have," snarled Billy "I've fought in seven different_"

"Bars?" guessed Stacey, "when the bouncer wouldn't let you in for being underage."

"He probably just didn't like his face," suggested Isaac, "I wouldn't let him into a bar if I was a bouncer."

"What's your deal; this is how you act after I promote you to Head Scavenger?"

"It was my group in the first place! You demoted me!" Chance whistled casually and leaned back in his seat.

"Well I think we know at least one of your members, Isaac and Billy, ace zombie slayers," said Chance.

"I'm afraid I'll have to warn you against making any power plays with your group, I think I speak for everyone no affiliated with you when I say we will remove any threat," warned Cynthia, a hard edge suddenly in her voice.

"Marshall should be our leader," said Alice suddenly, "I believe this would have the best outcome."

"Why me?" asked Marshall, "Sandra could lead, she's a genius."

"Thanks!" Sandra beamed at him, "how about we have no leader and just openly share ideas."

"If you're a genius you should know that a team without a leader can never work," said Isaac, "this is ridiculous."

"We can't have no leader," complained Alice, "that would throw all my psychic predictions of balance, too many rogue elements confusing the time stream."

"Oh no, that'd be an absolute disaster," drawled Chance, "Whatever would we do without your psychic predictions? It'd be absolute anarchy."


Alice: A lot of people don't believe I have powers, I wonder why they are so sceptical? I will meditate on this.

Billy: This is falling apart already! Isaac is staging some kind of the mutiny and the others are already onto me. Time for a new strategy, luckily I'm a master of improvising on the fly.

Sandra: You can't just appoint a leader on the first night; we haven't even had our first team challenge yet. And I'm definitely not going to appoint a leader just because Alice says so.

Isaac: Ok, so I openly defy Billy, help kick him off, gain the others trust and then secretly use the rest of the group to dominate this game. Perfect plan!

With Chef's demented idea of what passed for dinner over with, the campers were free to leave the mess hall and spend their first night in Camp Wawanakwa. Of course no one was looking particularly forward this event, either because of how cruddy the cabins were or because they didn't like the company they would have. The only real bright side of going to sleep was that it would mean that this day was finally over, and even that was tarnished by the knowledge that Chris had some torture planned for tomorrow. In their respective cabins, the sixteen cabins settled down to sleep, drawing their first day at Camp Wawanakwa to a close.

Chris was once more standing alone on the Dock of Shame, only this time it was night and the lightning around him was harsh and artificial. "How will the campers be tortured tomorrow? Will the zombie slayers ever stop failing? Will the rampant attacks on Wawankwa's wildlife ever cease? Will our interns ever get anything right? Tune in next time to Total Drama OUTRAGE!