March 29, 2013

I don't know why I decided to use a journal the first time for the sixteen years I've been alive. I mean, it's good since I have about fifty taking up space in the corner in my room.

Let me restart. Uh, I guess to start I should say my name right? Well, hell why not? It's not like anyone's going to read this. My name is Lucy Heartphilia. I'm sixteen, turning seventeen in August. Live with my younger brother by one year and my mother. My father is rarely home, but when he is, he always spends the time with the three of us, so I'm not sad about him never being there.

I guess I decided to write a journal is because since I can't say these things aloud, why not write it? If I do say these things aloud, people will hate me, and that's the last thing I want. There are times I want to scream, but I can't, I must keep my mouth shut, because I'm the person everyone least expects to be a normal person. They think I'm made of titanium, like the kid from the song by Sia and David Guetta, and I wish I was, but even titanium eventually makes a hole when the same spot is hit over and over again. Simple science.

I just started high school. I didn't do anything that would make me stand out like a sore thumb in middle school. Sure, I was weird, even I know that, but I paid it no mind. Neither did my friend, Levy. We both were outcasts together, and I was fine with that. It was when she told we couldn't go to the same high school. I became determined to be able to survive without Levy, so I went to lots of those sessions that tell you how to make friends and everything.

The thing is that I never did it in person.

Just through the internet.

Soon, I got really good scores in those sessions, so I was confident in my skills. I always wear my skirt long. I don't want to accidently fall and then let my panties be seen. I also always wear a vest, because then my bra is visible. I shall offer no boy such luxury! Haha, luxury? I made myself laugh. Sorry, I shouldn't write stuff that's unnecessary. Back to what I was originally writing, I came to school, and I told myself I could do this.

But, when I tried to talk to people, I would freeze up and my throat would constrict. I felt the sweat build up and my face get very hot. I would dash to the washroom and splash cold water on my face. When I did manage to say something, I always stuttered.

I tried to make friends, and even tried to make a club where I would meet my sort people. I always made a fool of myself. When something went really wrong, people say, "dude, that wasn't bad, that was Lucy bad!" They would start, but that I easily brushed off. Those things continued to happened, but I wasn't bothered by it. Levy haven't really been in touch, so when I got an e-mail from her, I was delighted.

But, when we met, it wasn't the Levy I knew. It was someone else. She dyed her black hair blue and it used to be long and straight. Now it was short and curly. Her face was loaded with make-up and she smelled like perfume, when before, she wouldn't even give a bottle a second glance.

I was shocked to say the least, and I felt self-conscious since I didn't change at all. But, even if her look changed, she was still the friendly and kind person I have always loved. She talked about how sad she was about her boyfriend breaking up with her, and that's why she wanted to meet me.

I didn't say anything. I shrugged it off, but it still stung that she didn't come to see me to talk about the manga or anime we've been watching recently. Not wanting to depress her over anything else, I told her that I was doing fine in my school, even though I haven't made a friend or talked to anyone.

We've been in touch, and it was just me over reacting. Even now, we still talk to each other about manga and anime or books. I'm so happy that I have at least one friend who I can somewhat talk to.

The rest of the year flew by. I always went to an abandoned room to eat lunch because it was easier than trying to eat in the cafeteria with people talking to their friends. It made me jealous.

People seem to ignore me, but I am fine with that. Loneliness is a friend I've known for a while now..

But right now, loneliness feels like a frienemy.

It was during our school's overnight field trip to a camp. During one game, we were split into groups of five and played a treasure hunt game. We were given maps.

During Gym I always was chosen last as a partner so the teacher always had to put me into a group, well, not if I faked to be sick or fainted first.

Something like that happened.

I was put into a group of four other people who clearly didn't want anything to do with me. We were walking along the trail. I noticed another path that seemed like a short cut. So did another one of my group members. They pointed it out, and they suggested going down it. I noticed worn out danger sign, and I tried to point it out, but they thought I was making fun of them, so they told me to go down the trail while they continued down the current one. They handed me the map and took out a second copy they had. I stood there for a few minutes.

Soon, I couldn't hear their laughter anymore, I started down the trail. Soon, I saw one of my classmates she was sitting down at the edge of a small cliff, taking a drink of water. That's when I noticed the ground beginning to crumble near her feet. I began to run to her, and I pushed her farther onto the solid ground.

Only to fall myself.

I desperately tried to grasp something as I plummeted down the cliff. Tree branches whipped at me, leave little marks all over my body.

Next thing I knew, I was in water. Normally I was happy, but the water as freezing and stung my cuts,

But what scared me the most was how powerful it was.

I tried to go back up for air, but I was pushed down again by the current. I eventually managed to break to the surface, but no sooner did I take a greedy breath, I slammed against a very sharp rock. I cried out in pain as a dull pain consumed my arm.

Thankfully it was my right arm, and I write with my left, so I have no trouble writing this.

I grasped the rock with my left arm. I pulled what strength I had left and clung to the rock. I felt myself get colder and colder. I could barely hold onto the rock. Water constantly splashed in my face, so I couldn't take a proper breath or see.

I tried to pull myself farther up, but it was futile. Fortunately I soon realized how close I was to land. Ahead of me, a fallen log reached over the water. I decided to risk it.

I let go of the rock and let my body be pulled until I reached the log. I shot p and grabbed for the log. I cut my hand and blood dripped into the fast moving water. Actually, the water was quite red around me. I pulled myself to shore and dragged my body back onto sweet land.

After what felt like an hour of resting, I sat up slowly, only to see the large cut I had on my arm. Blood was pouring out and staining the grass red. What was funny was that I didn't feel it. Not wanting to look at the blood anymore, I ripped off the bottom half of my shirt and bandaged it. I winced in pain, my voice not working. After that painful experience, I headed back to camp. Along the way, I saw my jacket which I just realized had fallen off. It was still warm and dry, so I put it on. Next to my jacket was a bright orange plastic container. It was the object to find in the treasure hunt. Eagerly, I grabbed it and limped my way back to camp.

I got back to camp in twenty minutes. Hey, I'm not the best when it comes to reading maps.

Everyone was just coming back, and my group was waiting. I walked over to them, thinking they would be happy I found the container, but instead they stared at me with hatred.

They claimed I told them the path was dangerous just so I could find the treasure because I cheated and already knew where the thing was and claim the credit.

Only after they screamed and yelled at me did someone notice my limp and how I was soaking wet. They dragged the other kids away and asked me if I was alright.

Still in shock, I told them I was fine. Just….tired.

I rushed to the camp nurse and showed her my hands and arm. I still laugh at the memory now. She almost had a heart attack. She asked me how I got these wounds, and I said I fell into a puddle.

Obviously she didn't believe me, but she didn't press me on the matter either.

I remained in the nursery until the day we came back; then, my mother took me to the hospital and scolded me for a good half-an-hour. Then, my brother came in and scolded me for another half-an-hour.

Oh Natsu, I can tell who you got your yelling skills from.

Then Levy came in with flowers.

We talked and laughed.

When I went back to school, I was officially avoided and ignored. I wasn't bullied or anything like that, but I didn't like and still don't like being purposely ignored.

Naturally, Natsu, Mom and Dad don't know about this. I couldn't bear to tell them. I'm scared that people will treat me even worse. So, I keep this bottled up inside.

After a while, things got easier. I'm now used to being ignored.

I'm used to it, so why am I so crushed and depressed?

Yours truly,

Lucy