In the Dark
A/N: Here's a small drabble that takes place pre-Cyberwoman. Inspired by the Winter Solstice and the longest night of the year.
In the dark, Ianto could pretend. He could pretend that the person touching him had dark chocolate skin instead of creamy americano. He could pretend that the hands were smaller, that the lips were fuller. He could pretend that the harsh breathing was on a higher register, and that the eyes were soft brown instead of piercing blue.
He could pretend it didn't matter that he did this.
In the dark, he could ignore the scrape of stubble against his inner thigh. He could ignore that the silkiness of the throat he thrust into was so much deeper than anyone else had ever been able to take him. He could ignore the flat chest and strong muscles, replacing the curves and rounded flesh, and he could ignore the longer, softer hair that felt so good between his fingers.
He could ignore the guilt closing a fist around his heart from two directions.
In the dark, even in the dark, he couldn't ignore the hard cock thrusting up into him as he rode a man, as he rode Jack. He couldn't ignore that the sounds coming from his own mouth were needy and breathy and wanton. He couldn't ignore the fire in his veins or the urgent orgasm threatening to overflow past his defenses for the second time that night.
He couldn't ignore the desire he felt, day after day, night after night.
In the dark, even in the dark, he couldn't pretend that he was doing it only for her. He couldn't pretend that the touches he received weren't tender, because they were, more tender than he ever would have expected. He couldn't pretend that he hated it.
He couldn't pretend it was Lisa's name he called when he came.
In the dark, he knew his life was forfeit. He knew he lied, to her, to him, and most especially to himself. He knew he hurt Jack. He knew Jack was so much more vulnerable than he ever let on with his flirtatious and uncaring mask. He knew he brought joy to Jack's difficult, dangerous, lonely life.
In the dark, he knew he wanted more, begged for more, demanded more. He knew he'd never needed anyone like he did Jack.
He knew he would have to choose.
He knew he couldn't make the right choice, because there wasn't a right choice to make. They all ended in betrayal, in hurt, in heartbreak.
He was falling hard and fast and out of control.
He only hoped someone would catch him before it was too late.