Author's Note 7/24/02: Sorry, this is a somewhat old fic. I hope you'll enjoy it, though, just as well!Far Wars: Episode One Jillion Part I By Nichole (Neko-chan) Johnson Cast
Brock - Super Bad Dude Brock
Jesse - Princess Jesse
Meowth - M-123456789
Pikachu - Pika-D2
Ash - Ash KetchumAllProfessor Oak - Professor Oaky-Dokey Benoki
James - James ByMyselfA long time ago—well, last week—in a nearby galaxy… FAR
Episode One Jillion:
You see, there's these Good Guys™ and they're trying to stop these Bad Dudes™ from taking over the galaxy, so they have this war. The Good Guys™ steal the Bad Dudes'™ plans to this big, Super-Weapon Thingie™, so the Bad Dudes™ get angry and come after them in their Ultimate Bad Dude's Star Cruiser™ to retrieve the plans. The Good Guys'™ Princess tries to get away with the plans but the evil Super Bad Dude™ and his Bad Dude Soldiers™ overtake her ship in the MiddleOfNowhere System. Will Super Bad Dude™ retrieve the stolen plans and kidnap the Princess? Will the Good Guys™ somehow get away? Will I ever get to the story?
Space! The Ultimate Bad Dude's Star Cruiser™ has captured the Kick-Ass Princess's Rocket Ship™ above the dull, yellow planet of Toomuchsand.
Good Guy Soldier™: Agh, we're being boarded!
G.G. General: Soldiers, assemble at the boarding hatch! We must not allow them to get the Princess!
G.G. Soldier 2: Screw you! It's every man for himself!
(Soldiers begin running around in confusion)
G.G. General: (sigh) Maybe if I had gone to military school they would have listened.
(Nearby wall explodes and Bad Dude Soldiers™ begin pouring in, shooting erratically)
B.D. Soldier: Yippee! This is fun! Have I hit anyone yet?
B.D. Soldier 2: No, idiot! Maybe if you aimed!
G.G. Soldier: Oh, my God! They have guns!
G.G. General: Crap! I knew we forgot something!
(Eventually only the Bad Dude Soldiers™ are left. Super Bad Dude™ peeks his head timidly around the destroyed wall)
Super Bad Dude™: Is it safe to come out yet?
B.D. General: Yes, Super Bad Dude Brock. The enemy has been eliminated!
Brock: Thank God! I would have helped you kill them, but you seemed to be doing fine on your own.
B.D. General: I'm sure, sir.
Two Pokémon make their way down a deserted corridor on the doomed ship.
M-123456789: We've gotta' find an escape pod! I'm not stickin' around here ta get my tail fried!
Pika-D2: Pi! Pika, pika, pika!
M-123456789: What? Da princess? Why should I care if dey get her! Better her dan me!
M-123456789: What secret plans?! Oh, dose plans. I thought dose was just blueprints for da new Hideout shopping mall. I doubt da Princess has dem though—dey're probably hidden in some Super Vault™ or sompin'. Besides, where would she put dem, in her bra?!
M-123456789: Ee-yack! Why'd I ask?!
Pika-D2: Chu! Pi, pikachu!
M-123456789: Ah, an escape pod! Da last one too! We got here just in time!
(Someone crashes into the two of them)
M-123456789: Hey, watch it!
M-123456789: Ack, it's da Princess!
Princess Jesse: Yeah, I'm the Princess! Now outta' my way, furrballs—I've got a date with an escape pod!
M-123456789: Oh no ya don't! Dere's only one escape pod left and we saw it first!
Jesse: Oh yeah? Watch me!
(Shoves the two out of the way and dives into the pod)
Pika-D2: Pi, ka, CHUUUUUU! (Electrocutes her)
Jesse: Aghhhh! I'm a wreck! I can't escape looking like this! (glares at Pika-D2) How dare you ruin my perfection, you little rat! (pounds him into the deck with her handy-duty Mega Mallet™) Now I'm going to have to go fix myself up! Ooooh…! (starts to run off) Ow! Just a sec! (reaches down her blouse and pulls out a thick packet of blueprints; tosses it) Here!
M-123456789: (packet hits him in the face; knocking him over) Oof! Hey, it's da plans! Why are youse giving dem to us?!
Jesse: You try caring that thing around in your bra! (runs off)
M-123456789: Ha, ha! Now we've got da plans to da Super-Weapon Thingie™ and an escape pod! Let's go! (peels Pika-D2 off the deck)
Pika-D2: Pika, pi?
M-123456789: I don't know. I always wanted a super-weapon—they're good at blowing things up!
Back with the Bad Dudes™…
B.D. Soldier: We busted open all the Super Vaults™ on the ship, Super Bad Dude Brock. All we found were some pearl necklaces, a giant diamond, $2,000,000 in cash, the Heart of the Ocean™, and this Rolex™.
Brock: Useless, all of it! Oh, except for the Rolex™. Give me that! (grabs watch)
B.D. Soldier 2: Sir, we found this girl snooping around the Princess's quarters!
Jesse: I wasn't snooping, you imbecile! I was looking for my hair spray! Now let go of me! (kicks him in the shins)
Brock: Idiot! That is the Princess! So, Princess Jesse, you thought you could get away with the plans, did you?
Jesse: Oh, you mean that stupid packet? I got rid of that. It was a real pain in the—well, it was a real pain!
Brock: NO! We've got to retrieve those plans! With them, I will be able to rule the galaxy!
Jesse: Some stupid packet's going to make you an emperor?! Yeah, you wish it were that easy!
Brock: Lock her away on my ship—she irritates me!
Jesse: Yeah, well you're not exactly a picnic yourself!
Ash KetchumAll: This planet sucks! Why won't you let me go away to join the Good Guys' Galactic Army™?
Uncle Gonna: Because you're too young and we don't want you to die like your father did.
Aunt Di: And because we can't afford a farmhand. Now get weeding!
Ash: Weed what?! There's nothing to weed! We're surrounded by sand! No wonder we're so poor!
Uncle Gonna: Shut your pie-hole, Ash and help me gather the corn!
Ash: What corn?! There's nothing there, you senile old man!
(The escape pod lands on top of Uncle Gonna)
Ash: Thank God!
Aunt Di: What the hell is that thing—it's on my tulip bed!
(The door pops open—landing on Aunt Di)
M-123456789: Oops! Oh well, they were gonna die anyway!
Ash: Whoa, how'd you know their names?!
M-123456789: Huh? Ah, who cares! You gotta find us a spaceship—we've gotta get off dis planet!
Ash: Finally! Someone who agrees with me!
(The three of them jump into Ash's Hover Tractor™ and drive towards the ShipPort. After awhile, the tractor dies)
Ash: Damn! We're outta' gas!
M-123456789: Yeah, and we're also in da middle of nowhere! Any hermits nearby?
Strange Man: I'm a hermit.
Ash: Where'd you come from?
Strange Man: I don't know. My name's Professor Oaky-Dokey Benoki. Use the Porse!
Ash: The Porsche?
Oaky-Dokey: No, the Porse! It's my new invention—motor oil that lasts twice as long as regular!
Ash: Cool! I still would have preferred a Porsche, though. Riding a tractor is lame!
(They fill up the tractor and continue to the ShipPort, now with Professor Oaky-Dokey Benoki)
Oaky-Dokey: Let's find a pilot to take us to the Kick-Ass Good Guy Hideout™ so we can return the plans to them.
M-123456789: Let's just keep da plans and find a pilot.
Oaky-Dokey: Works for me!
(Guy in a pilot's uniform walks up to them)
Pilot: Hi, the name's James ByMyself. Hear you're looking for a pilot.
Ash: Are you a pilot?
James: (sarcastically) No, I just dress like one!
Oaky-Dokey: Can you fly us to the Secret Hideout system?
James: Sure, but what's in it for me?
M-123456789: Lotsa' money.
James: Deal! Let's go! We've got to get out of here—I'm a wanted man!
Ash: Cool! A convict!
James: No…I meant everybody wants my service. I can only carry so many passengers on my ship at a time!
Ash: Is it fast?
James: Fastest in the galaxy.
Ash: You mean, the Millenium Falcon™?!
James: NO! You want to get us sued, kid?! My ship's called FlyBoy™. Uh, oh! Here comes one of my…uh, customers now! Let's move!
Ash: That's a cop.
James: (trying to look innocent) Her CopShip's™ in the shop a lot?
Officer Jenny: There he is! Stop that Pokémon smuggler!
(Everyone ignores her as Ash, Oaky-Dokey, James and the Pokémon run towards James's ship)
Jenny: A $10,000 reward to the first person to bring him to me in at least 10 pieces!
(Everyone starts chasing Ash-tachi with sticks and other sharp objects)
Back on the Ultimate Bad Dude's Star Cruiser™…
Brock: Princess Jesse, where—are—the plans?!
Jesse: (filing her nails) If you must know, I gave them to some stupid Pokémon. (yawn) They're probably back at my Kick-Ass Hideout by now.
Brock: (starting to lose his patience) Then where is your hideout?!
Jesse: Hah! Like I'd tell you! Do I look like an idiot or something?!
Brock: If you don't tell me where it is, I'll destroy your home planet of Rocketia!
Jesse: (yawn) Big deal! You know, you suck at this bad guy stuff!
Brock: How dare you insult me! I am Super Bad Dude Brock, the most feared man in the entire galaxy! And I have a Rolex™!
Jesse: Yeah, yeah, who cares if—You have a Rolex™?
Brock: Yes. Now tell me where your hideout is!
Jesse: Are you hard of hearing or something?! I said no! Sheesh, you men never take no for an answer, do you!
Brock: (pulling out a remote with a big red button) If threatening to blow up Rocketia doesn't change your mind, then maybe this will!
Jesse: What is it?
Brock: A push of this button, and all the malls in the galaxy go kaboom!
Jesse: You wouldn't!
Brock: Oh yes I would!
Jesse: You monster!
Brock: (laughs evilly) Now will you tell?
Jesse: I…! Never! I'll never tell you, you ignoramus!
Brock: Very well, your highness. You leave me no choice, then. (pushes button)
Jesse: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!TO BE CONTINUED…
How do you like it so far? Is the ending suspenseful enough for you? Oh, well. It's kinda hard to make it suspenseful when your audience pretty much knows what's going to happen next. ^_^ Well, hope you liked Part I; stay tuned for Part II! Sayonara, and E-mail me with any comments and suggestions at rocketgrl_neko ! =^ ^=