If you have ever pushed on a door that said pull or vise versa copy this into your profile.
If you have ever run into a door, copy this into your profile.
If you have ever tripped over your own feet, copy and paste this into your profile.
Weird is good, strange is bad, and odd is when you don't know which to call someone. Weird is the same as different, which is the same as unique, then weird is good. If you are weird and proud of it, copy this onto your profile!
Ninety-five percent of the kids out there are concerned with being popular and fitting in. If you're part of the five percent who aren't, copy this, put it in your profile, and add your name to the list. AnimeKittyCafe, Hyperactivley Bored, Gem W, Bara-Minamino, Tsuyu Mikazuki, WeaselChick, Celyna, ShadowShapeshifterAndHerCat, Sanoon, Lord Cargyle, Silverlycan, FamilyRose, Kirallie, Stephfunky.
98 percent of teenagers do or have tried smoking pot. If you're one of the 2 percent who haven't, copy & paste this in your profile.
If you are obsessed with fanfiction copy this into your profile
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty
uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal
pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a
rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't
mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the
olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer
be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl
mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed
ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas toghuht slpeling
was ipmorantt! tahts so cool!
If you could read that put it in your profile!
There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally and by hand.
This virus is call Weary-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life Completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take Two good friends to the nearest grocery store.
Purchase the antidote know as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote Repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.
I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.
I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.
We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.
I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.
I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.
I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.
I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.
We are the couple who had the Realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.
I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.
I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.
I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.
I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.
I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.
I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I did not have to always deal with society hating me.
I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.
I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.
I am the person who is afraid of telling his loving Christian parents he loves another male.
Re-post this if you believe homophobia is wrong. Please do your part to end it and you don't have to be gay to do so. I'm not, but I will stand up against anyone who has a problem with homosexuality.
1) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, liposuction and air conditioning.
2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
3) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.
5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Brittany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.
6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.
7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.
9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.
10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans...
I'm emo so I must cut my wrists
I'm not like everyone else so I must be a loser
I speak my mind so I must be a bitch
I'm overweight so I must have a problem with self-control
I don't have a religion, so I must not have morals
I'm a democrat so I must not believe in being responsible
I am a liberal so I must be gay
I'm southern so I must be white trash
I wear a lot of skirts so I must be a slut
I'm a punk so I must do drugs
I am young so I must be naive
I wear black so I must be a goth
I'm a white girl so I must be a nagging, steal-your-money kind of girlfriend
I dye my hair crazy colors so I must be looking for attention
I dress in unusual ways so I must be looking for attention
I wear what I want so I must be a poser
I have a german heritage so I must be a Nazi
I hang out with Gays so I must be Gay too
I'm a virgin so I must be a prude
I'm a female gamer so I must be ugly or crazy
I'm bi so I must think every person I see is hot
I don't like the sun so I must be albino
I have a lot of friends so I must love to drink and party
Repost this if you believe stereotyping is wrong Bold in what you are or just put them down
Quote List of DOOM!!
-bold are my own quotes.
"My name is Stephanie. P - E - S - T. Stephanie."
"Bah, logic has no place in my life."
"This, I think, will need a rather lovely blend of violence and subtly. We may even need extreme explosives."
"Work interests me; I could just sit and watch it all day long."
"Naked old people - gross."
"It's not my fault inanimate objects wish to pummel me to death."
"I don't like walls, they don't like me. It's a mutual hatred."
"There's something impossibly disturbing about the fact that I am the result of my parents doing the dirty."
"Stupid people should always be paired with beautiful people, just as ugly people should be paired with smart people. That way everyone in the world has a use."
"Stupid people are like kittens - they are pointless really, yet everyone loves them."
"If life gives you lemons, find someone whose life gave them liquor and have a grand 'ol time."
"I have the world's best gaydar! I can always find the gay man in a room - the only problem is he's usually the only one I actually like."
"Hey! No having sex on my leg!"
"Rashy, ashy ass!"
"Orochimaru is a pedophile. There is never concrete evidence but with just one look at the guy and you know - you know! - he gets off to little boys."
"My history teacher is the type of person who is always kind, never raises his voice, and always wears a smile. There's just something about that smile though that tells everyone that sets sights on him that he has a collection of corpses in his basement that he's planning to turn into human sausages."
"My hand looks like I jerked off a disco ball."
"I got the floor."
"It's not how you pick your nose; it's where you put the booger."
"Whoever eats nerds is a nerd."
"When you really want grape juice, but life gives you lemons instead, then make lemonade, because it's the only thing you've got to work with... Even though you REALLY wanted grape juice!"
"When you really want grape juice, but life gives you lemons instead... go buy grapes at the store, jeez! Is it really that complicated?"
"When life hands you a lemon, squirt life in the eye and run like hell."
"Life's not gonna give you anything that you want."
"What the hell makes you think that life's gonna give you lemons?"
"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
"Weather forecast: Precipitation in the morning, rain in the afternoon."
"The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing."
"The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe."
"If it weren't for electricity, we'd all be watching television by candle light."
"I do not like this word, 'Bomb'. It is not a bomb. It is a device that is exploding."
"Solutions are not the answer."
"Permitted vehicles not allowed."
"You guys line up alphabetically by height."
"Procrastinate now. Don't put it off."
"I'd kill for a Nobel peace prize."
"Borrow money from pessimists... they don't expect it back."
"Everyone has a photographic memory. Some of them just don't have film!"
"All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand."
"Okay, so what's the speed of dark?"
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we even met."
"I intend to live forever... so far, so good."
"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."
"What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"
"My mechanic told me, 'I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.'"
"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."
"Don't drink and drive. You might spill your beer."
"I didn't lose my mind, I sold it on eBay."
"You! Out of the gene pool, now!"
"Politicians and diapers both need to be changed... and for the same reason."
"If you love someone, they shouldn't make you cry. They should be worth crying over."
"I'm going to live life, or die trying."
"Here, officer. Hold my beer while I find my license."
"Birdie, birdie in the sky. Why'd you do that in my eye? Looks like sugar, tastes like sap, OMG! It's birdie crap!"
"You tried and you failed, so the lesson is, never try."
"The whole world is going to hell, and I'm driving the bus!"
"Consciousness: That annoying time between naps."
"I love him, o yes I do. He's for me and not for you. And if by chance you take my place, I'll take my fist and smash your face!"
"Dain bramage."
"Access denied... Na, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah!"
"Maybe this world is another planet's hell."
"A friend is someone who's there for you when he'd rather be somewhere else."
"In any sufficiently large group of people, most are idiots."
"We have only one person to blame, and that's each other."
"I am nobody... Nobody is perfect... I must be perfect then!"
"If you want breakfast in bed... Sleep in the kitchen."
"As you slide down the banister of life, may your ass collect many splinters."
"When you're a fat little kid, there are no more see saws. Only catapults."
"Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the kings' horses and all the kings' men, ate scrambled eggs for 2 weeks."
"Hey baby, you've got something on your butt: my eyes."
"hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY?"
"There are 3 kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't."
"Stupidity is not a crime so you’re free to go."
"There are 2 types of pedestrians, the quick and the dead."
"Want to get laid? Crawl up a chicken's ass and wait!"
"Eternity: Smoking or Non-Smoking?"
"What the fuck!? Why does every guy honk at a pretty girl? Does he actually expect something? I mean, do I have a sign over my head that says 'Hey baby, tap that horn and I'll let you tap this?'"
"If life gives you lemons, try not to get blood on your keyboard."
"100,000 Sperm And You Were The Fastest?"
"What does this button do?"
"Which wire was I supposed to cut?"
"Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"
"I'll call you because you called me. We are the LAST NAME family. So leave your name and number at the tone, sorry that we're not at home." (Answering machine sung to the tune of Barney the purple dinosaur.)
"Roses are red booger's are green please leave your message on this stupid machine." (Another answering machine)
"Guys are like port-o-potties. All the good ones are taken and all the bad ones are full of crap!"
"We've all had our moments, when we trip and fall. It's not a lot of fun to be laughed at by them all. But one trick that I always use, it's good, I guarantee. I grab someone by the shirt and pull them down with me."
"One time I forgot my belt, it happened during school. I had to try hold my pants up, but I really looked like a fool. When I forgot about them, they fell down right then and there, but that was not the end of it, I wasn't wearing underwear!"
"Shhhhhh! Be vewy vewy quiet! We'we hunting wabbits!" (Elmer Fudd.)
"Shhhhhh! Be vewy vewy quiet! We'we hunting submawines!" (Radio commercial making fun of Elmer Fudd.)
"I see dead people..."
"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die."
"What doesn't kill you make's you stronger."
"Eat a booger out of a dead person's nose." (My friend from school said that.)
"Why isn't the caps lock capitalized?"
"Don’t be afraid of the dark, it’s better to be blinded, than to see what should remain unknown. Be afraid of the light, for you might see what you never expected…"
"I plan to start a ice skate rental stand in hell. I figure that way, when hell eventually freezes over - I will make a killing!"
"Everyone has sex, it is a fact of life. But, the way I see it, this is one fact I'd be better off ignoring."
"The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time."
"Suicide is man's way of telling God, 'You can't fire me - I quit.'"
"No one can confidently say that he will still be living tomorrow."
"I am accustomed to sleep and in my dreams to imagine the same things that lunatics imagine when awake."
"An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind."
"It's the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter."
"Friendship is a single soul dwelling in two bodies."
"All the things one has forgotten scream for help in dreams."
"People don't want to hear about other people. People want other people to hear about themselves."
"Who the hell!"
"Watch out for the toilet!" (Quote from What every girl (except me) knows.)
"Lying is a good thing. Your parents lie to you to protect you. Your school lies to you to help you conform. Your employer lies to you to make you feel appreciated and have good productivity. Your government lies to you so you'll keep them in power. Your friends lie to you so you will like them. Your lovers lie to you so you won't leave them."
"My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was god and I didn't."
"Some people are alive because it's illegal to kill them."
"God must love stupid people - He made so many."
"The trouble with life is there's no background music."
(Sign shown in a non-smoking zone) "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
(After taking a drink from a mug) "This would taste a lot better if there was actually something in this cup."
"Though he has not so much brain as earwax." (Shakespeare)
"Gimme back my chocolate, punk!"
"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is."
"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."
"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."
"See the happy moron? He doesn't give a damn. I wish I were a moron. My god, perhaps I am!"
"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."
"Never feel remorse for what you have thought about your wife; she has thought much worse things about you."
"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."
"God made ice cream, god made cake; but when he made you, now that was a mistake!"
"Plastic surgeons are always making mountains out of molehills."
"Remember, today is the tomorrow you were worried about yesterday."
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits." (Albert Einstein, W00t!)
"When humor goes, there goes civilization."
"If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?"
"All men hear is blah, blah, blah, blah, SEX, blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah, BEER!"
"My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for 40 years because, even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions."
"Before I married Ms. Right, I didn't realize her first name was 'Always'."
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."
"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house."
"I used to have mad cow disease. But I'm alright noooooooooooooow."
"The report of my death was exaggerated."
"I met this guy who said he loved children. Then I found out that he was on parole for it." (To FMA Yaoi fans: OMG! Roy Mustang!)
"My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas. I told my roommate and he said, 'Do I know you?'."
"I had lunch with a chess champion the other day. I knew he was a chess champion because it took him 20 minutes to pass the salt."
"I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day, I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face."
"I've always wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming!"
"We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime. By the time I was 14, I owned my own home."
"I aint saying the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance, she leaned over and pushed me."
"One guy had his right thumb trademarked. Now the police will actually have to pay him if he ever has to give a thumb print."
"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose."
"Last X-mas, my sister gave me a lovely cloth calendar. It only took me 5 hours to sew in a doctor's appointment."
"Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!"
"Roses are red, violets are blue. I'm schizophrenic, and so am I."
"Roses are red, violets are big, my girlfriend is pretty, but she eats like a-" (Gets pummeled with a rock thrown by said girlfriend.)
"Foot: A special device for finding furniture in the dark."
"Oops. I stepped on Rhode Island."
"Denial is not just a river in Egypt."
"I had a dream, last night, that I was eating a giant marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone."
"Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time."
"I only go to work on days that don't end in a Y."
"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?"
"You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly, you're not a 'professional' anymore."
"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."
"If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done."
"Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?"
"If I were two faced, would I be wearing this one?"
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"When I was born, I was so surprised; I didn't talk for a year and a half."
"Like many women my age, I am 28 years old."
"Age does not diminish the extreme disappointment of having a scoop of ice cream fall from the cone."
"I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: We were both crazy about girls."
"At 38 years, I finally got me the woman that said those six words I wanted all my life to hear: My dad owns a liquor store."
"A woman's guess is much more accurate than a man's certainty."
"Man has will, but woman has her way."
"A girl phoned me the other day and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.'. I went over. Nobody was home."
"Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living."
"A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country."
"The word 'Politics' is derived from the word 'Poly', meaning 'Many', and 'Ticks', meaning 'Blood sucking parasites'."
"I have always been a huge admirer of my own work. I'm one of the funniest and most entertaining writers I know."
"I work until beer o' clock."
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
"My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic."
"I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib."
"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."
"It's a scientific fact. For every year a person lives in Hollywood, they lose two points of their IQ."
"Bush gave an interview and he said people will vote for him because 'They've seen me weep, they've seen me laugh, and they've seen me hug.' These are the same qualifications for a Tickle Me Elmo."
"It may be true that you can't fool all people all the time, but you can fool enough of them to rule a large country."
"A real friend is someone who walks in when the rest of the world walks out."
"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I only lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three."
"Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people."
"Skill is successfully walking a tightrope over Niagara Falls. Intelligence is not even trying."
"The question of whether computers can think is like the question of whether submarines can swim."
"The only way to make your PC go faster is to throw it out a window."
"A day without laughter is a day wasted."
"Start every day with a smile and get it over with."
"You can't deny laughter. When it comes, it plops down on your favorite chair and stays as long as it wants."
"The road to success is always under construction."
"Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife."
"Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then you see what the other guy has, you wish you had ordered that."
"My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met."
"A good marriage is between a deaf man and a blind woman."
"The secret to a happy marriage remains a secret."
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. By then it was too late."
"Marriage can be viewed as the waiting room for death."
"Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway."
"There are three rings of marriage: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering."
"NBC: No Body Cares."
"I won't eat anything that has intelligent life, but I'll gladly eat a network executive or a politician."
"My father hated radio. He could not wait for television to be invented so that he could hate that too."
"Life is like stepping onto a boat which is about to set sail and sink."
"If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door."
"There are no passengers on spaceship Earth. We are all the crew."
"In three words, I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on."
"I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second."
"Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxi cabs and cutting hair."
"The less people know about how sausages and laws are made, the better they'll sleep at night."
"Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?"
"I like long walks. Especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."
"Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days."
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by the way he eats jelly beans."
"A classic is something that everybody wants to have read, but nobody wants to read." (Genius!)
"A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking."
"Our comedies are not to be laughed at."
"In accordance with geometrical terms, a kiss is the shortest distance between two lips."
"Everyone here is more stale than a week old loaf of bread."
"I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark."
"I am here to save the human race from stupidity! Oops... Too late."
"We're all gonna do three things in life. We're all gonna lie, we're all gonna cry, and we're all gonna take painful shits." (Yesh! Dane Cook!)
"Quit defying the laws of physics!"
"MONKEYS ARE SEXY!"
"The opposite of the religious fanatic is not the fanatical atheist, but the gentle cynic who cares not whether that is a god or not."
"How can I believe in god when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?"
"I'm tired of all this nonsense of beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?"
"Cats regard people as warm-blooded furniture."
"I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals."
"Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done."
"If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost 100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside."
"Death is more universal than life; everyone dies, but not everyone lives."
"Never knock on death's door. Ring the bell and run away! Death really hates that!"
"There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent the evening with an insurance salesman?"
"There are people I'd take a bullet for and people I'd like to put a bullet in."
"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today; it's already tomorrow in Australia."
"Happy Birthday. Now open the present I got for you so we can all get on with our damned lives."
"Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."
"A day without sunshine is... night."
"Dude, your eight layers are showing." (Frosted Mini Wheat commercial)
"A likely story, but not a likely fact!"
"Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them more."
"How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on."
"A bore is a man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you."
"Someone's boring me. I think it's me."
"A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own weight in other people's patience."
"What a splendid head, yet no brain."
"The human brain starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public."
"The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
"The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one."
"I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief."
"I never cease to be dumbfounded by the unbelievable things people believe."
"They were so strong in their beliefs that there came a time when it hardly mattered what exactly those beliefs were; they all fused into a single stubbornness."
"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh."
"If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him."
"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then, she stops to breathe."
"My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying."
"A kitten is the rosebud in the garden of the animal kingdom."
"A person has two legs and one sense of humor, and if you're faced with the choice, it's better to lose a leg."
"If a dog's prayers were answered, bones would rain from the sky."
"The elevator to success is out of order. You'll have to use the stairs... One step at a time."
"The road to success is lined with many tempting parking spaces."
"Violence may not be the answer, but it's sure as hell a lot more fun than signing a peace treaty!"
"In ancient times, cats were worshiped as gods. They have not forgotten this."
"We are not retreating. We are advancing in another direction."
"You can't see the world if your eyes are filled with tears."
"Friendship is like peeing on yourself: Everyone can see it, but only you get that warm feeling that it brings."
"The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on."
"Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway."
"I told my wife that a husband is like fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar."
"There are no stupid questions. Just stupid people."
"When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did in his sleep - Not screaming, like the passengers in his car."
"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman."
"Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?"
"Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss." (Unless you hit a tree.)
"Yo mama so fat, when she sings, it's over."
"It is as bad as you think and they are out to get you!"
"Warning: Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be shot again."
"Just because you're not paranoid, doesn't mean they're not out to get you."
"It's hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys."
"Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma."
"The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action."
"I'd rather be pissed off than pissed on."
"It's 11:00. Do you know where your pants are?"
"Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, 'Where the heck is the ceiling?'."
"Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid."
"He who laughs last didn't get it."
"We're America! Don't mess with the nation that needs medication!"
"Money can't buy you happiness... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery."
"Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was Shut Up."
"GET THE FUCKING TURKEY OUT OF THE TOILET!"
"A fart is the cry of an imprisoned turd."
"Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you're scared to death."
"Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love, though I stepped in it a few times."
"A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with."
"Keep smiling. It makes people wonder what you're up to."
"Best friends are the people who know all about you and still put up with you."
"A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good."
"The only reason I talk to myself is because I'm the only person whose answers I accept."
"Judge me all you want, but keep the verdict to yourself."
"As I said before, I never repeat myself."
"Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door."
"Everyone's entitled to be stupid, but you're abusing the privilege."
"One out of every three people is considered ugly. So if you look to your left and they're not ugly and the guy to right isn't ugly... well guess what!"
"The statistics on insanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you."
"When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane."
"Never argue with idiots. They just drag you down to their level and then beat you with their experience."
"A good friend will care for you when you're hurt. A true friend will be sitting there next to you, laughing their ass off at you."
"A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest. A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps themselves."
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."
"Some people are like slinkies--Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs."
"Without geometry, life is pointless."
"A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing only glad wrap shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'."
"Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before."
"The pun is mightier than the sword."
"Your days of lollypopping are over!"
"A guy walks into a bar.'OUCH!' He says."
"The future ain't what it used to be."
"When you travel, remember that a foreign country is not designed to make you comfortable. It is designed to make its own people comfortable."
"I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree. Perhaps unless the billboard falls, I'll never see the tree at all."
"You can't wake a person who's pretending to be asleep."
I'd be this Boyfriend
When she walks away from you mad
Follow her
When she stares at your mouth
Kiss her
When she pushes you or hits you
Grab her and don't let go
When she starts cussing at you
Kiss her and tell her you love her
When she's quiet
Ask her whats wrong
When she ignores you
Give her your attention
When she pulls away
Pull her back
When you see her at her worst
Tell her she's beautiful
When you see her start crying
Just hold her and don't say a word
When you see her walking
Sneak up and hug her waist from behind
When she's scared
Protect her
When she lays her head on your shoulder
Tilt her head up and kiss her
When she steals your favorite hat
Let her keep it and sleep with it for a night
When she teases you
Tease her back and make her laugh
When she doesn't answer for a long time
Reassure her that everything is okay
When she looks at you with doubt
Back yourself up
When she says that she likes you
she really does more than you could understand
When she grabs at your hands
Hold hers and play with her fingers
When she bumps into you
bump into her back and make her laugh
When she tells you a secret
keep it safe and untold
When she looks at you in your eyes
don't look away until she does
When she misses you
she's hurting inside
When you break her heart
the pain never really goes away
When she says its over
she still wants you to be hers
When she repost this bulletin
she wants you to read it -
Stay on the phone with her even if she's not saying anything.-
When she's mad hug her tight and don't let go-
When she says she's ok don't believe it, talk with her- because 10 yrs later she'll remember you-
Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her-
Call her before you sleep and after you wake up-
Treat her like she's all that matters to you.-
Tease her and let her tease you back.-
Stay up all night with her when she's sick.-
Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think its stupid.-
Give her the world.-
Let her wear your clothes.-
When she's bored and sad, hang out with her.-
Let her know she's important.-
Kiss her in the pouring rain.-
When she runs up at you crying, the first thing you say is;
"Who's ass am I kicking babe?"
If you do post this in the next four minutes the one you love will :
Call you.
Kiss you.
Love you.
Text you.
50 Things to do on an Elevator
1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your tissue to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of ''It''s a Small World'' incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, crash from side to side as if you''re on rough seas.
7. Shave. (Especially if you''re a woman.)
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you, "Admiral".
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I''ve got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now. Damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious literature to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing, "Mary Had a Little Lamb," while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler, "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You''re one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "Mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and make it talk to the other passengers.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say, "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say, "I wonder what all these do," and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space".
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it''s getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, "Bad touch!"
YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN IN DENMARK TOO LONG, WHEN:
You think there is no such thing as bad weather, only bad clothing.
You think its normal to pick up a girl in a pub, walk her to her bike and ride with her back home.
You understand why not every type of meat can be put together on top of bread.
You think its impolite to sit next to someone in a bus if there is a bench where you can sit on your own.
You go to the supermarket and buy three good beers and 10 not too good ones.
You can open a beer bottle with almost anything.
You honestly believe that the distance between Copenhagen and Aalborg is long.
You can tell the difference between a Grøn Tuborg and a Carlsberg beer
The first thing you do on entering a bank/post office/pharmacy etc. is to look for the queue number machine.
You accept that you will have to queue to take a queue number.
When a stranger on the street smiles at you, you assume that:
a. he is drunk;
b. he is insane;
c. he is American;
d. he is all of the above.
Silence is fun.
It no longer seems excessive to spend 800 kr. on alcohol in a single night.
You know that "religious holiday" means "let's get pissed".
You use "Mmmm" as conversation filler.
The word "yes" is an intake of breath.
You have only two facial expressions, smiling or blank
Traditional dinners may not necessarily mean a cooked meal.
You forget how to open canned beer.
Can't remember when to say "please" and "excuse me".
You will leave a pub if you can't find a seat.
Your wardrobe no longer has suits but blue shirts and mustard colored sports jackets and lots of denim.
You don't mind paying the same for a 200-metre bus ride as you do for going 10 kms.
You don't look twice at businessmen in dark suits wearing white sport socks.
You start to believe that if it weren't for Denmark's efforts, the world would probably collapse pretty soon.
You find yourself more interested in the alcohol content than the name of the wine.
It feels natural to wear sport clothes and a backpack everywhere.
You know the meaning of life has something to do with the word "hyggelig".
You are very surprised when you receive compliments about ANYTHING - including your appearance/clothing! In fact when you do, you find it suspicious and start thinking they might have ulterior motives.
You've completely forgotten what a "date" is - no one ever comes to pick you up and unexpected gifts are VERY unexpected.
You don't think it strange that no one ever comes by to visit without being invited and you never show up at any one's place unannounced either.
You wouldn't dream of coming even 10 minutes early to a party. (Once around the block is always an alternative)
You find yourself lighting candles when you have guests - even if it is brightly sunny outside and 20 degrees.
You offer people strange-tasting brown alcoholic liquids with their coffee in the MORNING!
Don't we love Denmark??!!
PEARLS OF WISDOM:
Why is there never enough time to do it right, but always enough time to do it over?
Passion without Pourpose, Strength without Control, Spirit without Disipline, All are the pathways to destruction.
To be afraid of nothing, is to be a fool. To stand up and face your terrors is to be truly brave.
Belief is a powerful thing, a precious thing. But when placed in the hands of finite beings, it is twisted and maimed to thier own ends.
In the end, all we have is ourselves.
The only certainty we have in life, is death. So why fear the inevitable?
Respect is no ones birthright, is only ever earned.
A man has a code of honor, a set of rules he will always obey, no matter how evil or few they may seem.
A life without insanity is hardly worth living.
A rose by ay other name still has it's thorns.
You can tell the charachter of a man by observing how he acts when the chips are down. Most are worthless, some are good, and a rare few are exceptional.
If you want peace, prepare for war.
The dangerous man isn't loud, boastful, and in the spotlight. The dangerous man is quiet, humble, and concealed in shadows.
The best birth control is celibacy, having your dick cut off is second only because its more painful.
God gave man a brain and a pecker, unfortunatly he only gave man enough blood to work one at a time.
Never argue with a woman, just nod your head and say 'Yes'.
If you focus on the negative, you never see the positive.
Never make assumptions about people, you never know when they'll surprise you.
Never insult a man with a gun, it won't turn out well.
All gold is, is a shiny hunk of earth. The only reason it has value is because we give it value.
Evil has a way of befriending the good, and dragging them into the darkness.
Beauty is only a light switch away.
We all bleed the same color.
When life hand you lemons, you can do one one of two things, either add Vodka and chill or send them back at high velocity, preferably attached to a cinder block or other heavy object.
Beware the the beaten dog, he may decided he's had enough bull and fight back.
Never argue with your parents, just agree, smile, and wait 'till they're in the retirement home.
Never argue with your children, they choose your retiement home.
Duct tape hurts.
Always remember, someone, somewhere, thinks you're an idiot.
Somtimes the best thing you can do is walk away.
The heart wants what the wants, even that which is worse for it.
Dogs love you, Cats love themselves.
I know not what I will become, only what I am.
Heros don't die, they just reload.
You say, when Hell freezes over, I got news for you. Hell, Michigan freezes over yearly.