Boys are like trees - they take 50 years to grow up.
Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional
I don't obsess! I think intensely.
If annoyed further, I shall spork your eyes out.
Silence is Golden, Duck tape is Silver
Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much.- Oscar Wilde
I smile because I have no idea what's going on!
I used to be normal until I met the freaks that I call my friends
One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
It's always the last place you look...of course it is, why the heck would I keep looking after I found it?
They say, "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well, I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that they're not out to get you.
Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.
"Why you keep saying that word. You know, I do not think that it means what you think it means." -Inigo Montoya
Make a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day but set the man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
It's all fun and games until the other person loses their mind.
I'm not so good at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?
Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures'
It is wise to walk a mile in a man's shoes before judging him... That way you're a mile away and you have his shoes.
"If you are good you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good you will get out of it."
"What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"
"A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking."
"After all is said and done a heck of a lot more is said than done."
Let's play truth or dare! Or maybe just dare, because nobody seems to tell the truth anymore.
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.
War is God's way of teaching Americans about geography.
Basic Definitions of Science: If it's green or wiggles, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics.
Those who fail history class are doomed to repeat it.
The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.
People who say it can't be done should not interrupt those of us who are doing it.
Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
The buddy system is essential to survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.
SARCASM is just another free service I offer.
I like you. When the world is mine, your death shall be quick and painless.
I'm not ALWAYS late. Sometimes I just don't show up.
You're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.
A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
Education is important; school, however, is another matter.
Evening News is where they begin with "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow's not looking good, either.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people who ask questions.
If at first, you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried
Don't knock on death's door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.
When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.
I apologize, do you want me to mean it too?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill themselves, is it considered a hostage situation?
"Doctors say I have multiple personality disorder. We disagree with that."
Fake is the new trend. I guess everyone's in style.
Yes, I may be smiling, but I'm secretly laughing at your face.
I didn't say that it was your fault…I said I was going to blame you.
If you have noticed this notice you will have noticed that this notice is not worth noticing.
I hear voices, and they don't like you.
Do not disturb I'm disturbed enough already
Can't anybody who has a job go in the "employees only" doors at restaurants? Shouldn't they be more specific and say "employees of this place only"?
My knight in shining armour turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.
Sanity? Why would I want something as useless as that?
I'm not suffering from insanity...I'm enjoying every minute of it!
Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried to staple water to a tree and slam a revolving door.
We are not retreating...we're advancing in another direction.
Every day I think people can't get any dumber. Every day I'm proven horribly wrong.
I didn't escape from the mental ward! Those sirens are a complete coincidence!
Light travels faster than sound, that's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Some people are like slinkies, good for nothing, but they make you smile when you push them down a flight of stairs.
It's not denial. I’m just selective about the reality I accept.
Normal people worry me.
There's nothing that can't be fixed with duct tape, chocolate, or by running it over.
Don't upset me, I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
I stopped fighting my inner demons quite some time ago. We're on the same side now.
I'm not mean, I just say what most people keep in their heads.
I don't need your attitude, I have my own.
You're a great friend. But if zombies are chasing us, I'm tripping you.
I did not hit you, I simply high-fived your face.
Sometimes I pretend to be normal, but it gets boring, so I go back to being me.
That which does not kill me had better run pretty fast!
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
The next time someone says "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me" HIT THEM WITH A DICTIONARY!
I didn't fall for you, you tripped me.
I am being driven insane. And I must say the scenery is nice.
Would you like a cookie? So would I!
If you can stay calm when all around you is complete chaos, you probably haven't fully understood the situation.
Do not argue with an idiot, he will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
It takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile and only 4 to reach out and slap someone.
Some people say 'if you can't beat them, join them'. I say 'If you can't beat them, beat them', because they will be expecting you to join them so you will have the element of surprise!
"If ya can't beat 'em, join 'em. If ya can't join 'em, bribe 'em. If ya can't bribe 'em, blackmail 'em. If ya can't blackmail 'em, kill 'em. If ya can't kill 'em, you're doomed."
Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.
"Smile. It makes people wonder what you're up to."
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90 percent probability you'll get it wrong.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it
The things that come to those who wait, maybe the things left by those who got there first.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in the dark.
For men who think.”A woman's place is in the kitchen," Just remember, that's where the knives are kept!
Definition of pointless = chocolate in resealable bags!
Do not interrupt me when I'm concocting evil schemes or I will bite you.
Was in the park flying a kite and a guy walks up and says "You flying a kite?" Nope, we're fishing for birds.
You think My Danny Phantom obsession is unhealthy, but I think your One Direction obsession is unhealthy, so who's the winner here?
My mother told me not to talk to strangers, which is why I don't talk to myself. After all, I'm stranger than you. Even if you're loony.
Sleep is for the weak, coffee is life.
I know most girls would scream and cry if a boy hit them, but I would tell my friends to bring a shovel, an alibi, and a chainsaw.
Are you as bored as I am? Read this backward and it still makes sense.
A good friend will say, "Don't do it." Your best friend will say, "We need more fireworks."
A good friend will say, "You shouldn't have done that." A best friend will say, "Let's do it again."
Duct tape, rope, matches, a can of gas, and a bottle of vodka. I would love to see the look on the cashiers face when I walk to the register with all this stuff.
A friend will ask if you're okay, a good friend will pick you up and say you're okay, but a best friend will say, "Whose grave am I digging now?"
Best friends are like ninja assassins, destroying whatever sorry soul should harm you, even by accident.
Some people are only alive because it's illegal to shoot them.
Note to self: It is illegal to stab people for being stupid.
Don't make me mad...I'm known to bite at random!!
"Humor is reason gone mad." - Groucho Marx
When life hands you lemons, throw them back and yell, "Make your own Lemonade!"
You should go find your Prince! The poor guy could be stuck up a tree or something!
In exactly every single case where some said, "Oh no she didn't!" She did.
Parents call it talking back. We call it explaining.
Don't judge me on what I did seconds ago. I've changed since then.
Looking up at stars* Seeing all these beautiful constellations makes me want to write poetry. Or bake a ham, I forget which...
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: The fear of long words.
"We're surrounded!" "Good! We can attack anywhere!"
If your heart was really broken, you'd be dead. So shut up.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away...if you aim right. My apple always seems to miss. Bummer
If life hands you lemons, you better ask for water and sugar too. Otherwise, you've got pretty crappy lemonade.
To Do List: 1) Buy a sword, 2) Name it ‘Kindness’, 3) Kill people with Kindness
When you drop something and just look at it because you’re too lazy to pick it up.
“Hey, did you get a haircut?” - “No, I dyed the tips invisible.”
Everything is always funnier when you’re not allowed to laugh.
Couples that are in love, I call love birds. Couples that always fight, I call angry birds.
Awkward: Your cell phone going off full volume at a funeral. Even worse, the ringtone is “I Will Survive.”
I don’t have haters. I have fans in denial.
When I find it, I don’t need it. When I need it, I can’t find it.
Trying to act natural around cops, even though you did nothing wrong.
Tickle me and I will not be responsible for your injuries.
That moment when someone takes the piece of food you mentally claimed.
That moment when you look at your best friend and you both know what both of you are thinking and laughing.
If homework is work, then why am I not getting paid?
When someone touches my phone, I automatically turn into a ninja.
Me: Goes to school, does all my homework, follows the rules, hardly ever goes out. - Parents: You’re frikkin out of control.
I am not hungry, but I am bored. Therefore, I shall eat.
Hello random bruise, where did you come from?
Staring at a dead body in a movie to see if you’ll catch them moving.
When I sit down in a field, I automatically start pulling grass.
Laughing is the best medicine. But if you are laughing for no reason, you need medicine.
What light flickering means: 1% electrical problems, 99% demons.
Me: I’m actually happy right now. - Life: LOL, one sec.
When someone starts telling you something but they end saying “Never mind”, so you’re like “TELL ME!”
Dear Gangster, if you pulled your pants up a little bit higher, you could probably run faster from the cops.
I don’t know about you, but I must fill every waffle square with syrup.
When you listen to your iPod on the street and you walk in time with the music.
Oh, wait a sec! I found your nose! It was all up in my business again.
When a little kid asks me how to do something and I don’t feel like explaining it: Magic!
When your friend isn’t at school: I hate you so much for leaving me with these idiots.
That moment when you talk to yourself and you start smiling like an idiot because you’re just so hilarious.
There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding them down so they can’t get away.
Don’t bother to put your hand over my mouth to shut me up. I will lick you.
School: 2 plus 2 equals 4. Homework: 2 plus 4 plus 2 equals 8. Exam: Omar has four apples; his train is seven minutes early. Calculate the mass of the sun.
I never said I hate you. I said if you were on fire, I might consider roasting marshmallows. Big difference.
My teacher pointed at me and said: “There’s an idiot at the end of this stick!” I got detention for asking which end.
I love how in scary movies the person yells out ‘Hello?’ like the killer is going to be like ‘Yeah, I’m in the kitchen. Want a sandwich?’
Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair.
When people see you lying down with your eyes closed and they have to ask “Are you sleeping?” - “No, I’m training to die.”
H.O.M.E.W.O.R.K. Half of my energy wasted on random knowledge
We are “friends”. But trust me. I would not hesitate to punch you in the face.
I’ve always wanted to turn around in a chair and say, “I’ve been expecting you.”
Did you know if yell Bloody Mary 3 times at 3 a.m., your mom will show up, tell you to shut up and go to bed?
I hate when people see me at the supermarket are like: “Hey, what are you doing here?” And I’m like: “Oh, you know, hunting elephants.”
Having those weird conversations with your best friend that you know, if anyone heard, you’d both be put in a mental hospital.
Three Facts About You: 1. You can’t say the letter ‘M’ without your lips touching. 2. You are trying to do that and realize you look like an idiot. 3. You are laughing at yourself.
“You ask.” - “No, you ask.” - “Will you please ask?” - “Why can’t you ask?” - “Fine… Hey, my FRIEND wants to ask you something!”
Dear Math, I am sick and tired of finding your x. Just accept the fact that she is gone. JUST MOVE ON, DUDE.
Lazy Rule: Can’t reach what I dropped, don’t need it.
I won’t be impressed by technology until the day I can close out of the YouTube app and still hear the music.
When people say “I can hear your music.” I’m like “So can I.”
Hearing noises when you’re home alone and accepting the fact you’re gonna die.
I wonder if British people sit around and do American accents.
Putting your iPod on shuffle and then skipping through all of the songs to find a certain one.
4 kinds of fear: panic, terror, “wrong password”, and “We need to talk.”
missed call* - *calls back* - *no answer* What!? Did you die within three seconds?!
Alarm Clocks: Because every morning should begin with a heart attack.
No teacher, I don’t know the answer. That’s why my hand wasn’t raised.
Yawning: Your body’s way of saying 10% battery left.
“What’s today?” - “Wednesday.” - “No, I meant like the number.”
The funniest thing in class: Teacher cracks a joke. No one laughs.
Saying to your friend, “If we get caught, here’s the story…”
3 a.m. phone call* - “Hey, are you asleep?” - “Nooo, I’m skydiving.”
“Hi, may I help you?” - “No, I waited in line 15 minutes to say hi.”
Ok, I’m getting out of bed in ten seconds. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9…
In math, I use this thing called the ‘Guess and Hope Method’.
Mom: Why is your room always so messy? Me: So that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die.
Some girls need to learn to not put on so much makeup. Your face is not a colouring book.
So if guns kill people, I suppose pencils misspell words, cars drive drunk, and spoons make people fat.
“FBI, open the door!” - “No, it’s cooler when you break in.”
When you trust a bank with your money, but they won’t trust you with their pens.
Someday, I’m gonna make the onion cry.
I’m not weird. I’m limited edition.
He broke her heart. She broke his Xbox. We all know who cried harder.
Bumping into something and screaming “Ouch!” even though it didn’t hurt.
Math Teacher: I have five bottles in one hand and six in the other. What do I have? Student: A drinking problem.
Mom: Clean your room, the family’s coming over. Me: Oh, I’m sorry; I didn’t realize the gathering would be held in my bedroom.
SON OF A B-biscuit. Hi, dad…
The next time someone walks out of my room without shutting the door, I’m going to sing “I knew you were trouble when you walked in.”
Teacher: If you have ten chocolate cakes, and someone asks for two, how many do you have left? Me: Ten. Teacher: Ok, well, what if someone forcibly takes two of the cakes? How many do you have left then? Me: Ten and a dead body.
I hate when waiters ask, “Are you done with that?” when the plate is completely empty. Like, Nah, I’m gonna eat the plate too.
Cool things always happen when I don’t have a camera.
That awkward moment when you spell a word correctly, but it looks so wrong you stare at it forever questioning its existence.
Don’t pick me. Don’t pick me. *teacher calls your name*
looks at mirror* You again…
When my iPod is on shuffle: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, yes.
If your friends don’t make fun of you, they’re not your friend.
Writing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. It. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma.
That crazy five seconds when you stand up too fast and you either go blind or get extremely dizzy.
Dear iPod, when I put you on shuffle, I meant to play all my favourite songs. Sincerely, Skip, skip, skip, skip.
Simon says jump! Very good! But Simon didn’t say land, so you’re all out.
Best friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people, together.
In school, the only thing group projects taught me was that I hate other people.
Dear Tom the Cat, It’s been 30 years and you still haven’t caught Jerry. Sincerely, You Need To Move On…
That extremely annoying moment when you’re behind a slow walker and there’s no way around them.
I like to talk to someone for hours and not get bored of them.
Cool story, bro. Wanna hear mine? It’s a fairytale. Once upon a time, nobody cared. The end.
Teacher: From all this talking, I assume you’re done. You: From all this complaining, I assume you’re single.
Ways to die: Steal my food…
Right before I die, I’m going to tell someone “I left a million dollars in the…”
Dear Schools, how is being suspended a punishment for skipping class? Sincerely, Students.
That moment when someone who creates drama complains that they hate drama.
Dear Google, thanks for doing most of my homework. Love, Me.
I hate it when my body is like “Sneeze!” and then like “Just kidding.”
That moment when you close your eyes to apply shampoo and then get paranoid that someone is going to kill you in the shower.
Seeing a spider is nothing. It becomes a problem when it disappears.
That moment when you try reading a text while you’re half-asleep and it’s like looking into the frikkin sun.
I swear microwave minutes are longer than regular minutes.
I can memorize song lyrics easily but I can’t remember anything from school.
Nothing brings two people closer together than hatred for a third person.
Don’t tell me to calm down. It makes me want to rip your face off and shove it down a toilet.
“I didn’t do it!” - “Then why are you laughing!” - “Because whoever did it is a frikkin genius!”
Me: Okay, it’s seven a.m. I should get up. Just five seconds. Five minutes. Five hours. Five days. Five years.
Dear Sidewalk, please grow in width. Why are you so narrow? Sincerely, the Third Friend.
5 days of school, 2 days of the weekend. 10 months of school, 2 months of summer. Who the freak divided this up?!
Not being able to finish a sentence because you’re laughing too hard about the end.
“Do me a favour?” - “Do I have to get up?” - “Yes…” - “Then no.”
I die a little inside when I see the word “explain” on a test.
“Oh my gosh! You have grown so much! I remember when you were just a baby!” - “Who the freak are you?”
Checking your phone to see what time it is and then checking it again because the first time you weren’t paying attention.
That moment you’re in a really bad mood and your parents won’t stop annoying you.
Don’t text me while I’m in the middle of texting you. I have to change my whole text.
Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything!
Things that Annoy Me: 1) People. 2) Slow Wi-Fi. 3) Homework. 4) School. 5) Drama. 6) School. 7) Low battery. 8) School. 9) And you know… School
Dear family, thanks for putting empty boxes back in the pantry. Nothing like disappointment for breakfast.
“Ok, ok, I’m serious now.” *silence* *bursts out laughing*
People: You’re really quiet… Me: Nobody plans a murder out loud.
When I’m at home on a school day, I look at the clock and think: “Haha! Those suckers are in math class!”
Old people at weddings always poke me and say “You’re next.” So I do the same thing to them at funerals.
PUSH. If that doesn’t work: PULL. If that doesn’t work: We’re closed.
1% battery left and you run like a ninja for your charger.
You just realized. Silence is golden. Unless you have a toddler. Then silence is suspicious.
Love is in the air? Wrong. Nitrogen, oxygen, and carbon dioxide are in the air.
at the end of the exam* Teacher: PUT YOUR PEN DOWN!! Me: Relax! It’s a pen, not a gun!
Disagreeing with someone just to TICK THEM OFF!!!
When people criticize your obsession with fictional characters: We shall have a magnificent tea party and you’re not invited.
Before my shower: I don’t want to get in. In my shower: I don’t want to get out.
Dear “cool people”, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Sincerely, “Nerds”
Me? Normal? HOW DARE YOU CALL ME THAT?!?!?
7 extra minutes of sleep in the morning seriously does matter…
If my alarm is set to six and you wake me up at five-fifty-eight: PREPARE. TO. DIE.
“Can I go to the bathroom?” - “What for?” - “TO OPEN THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS!! WHAT DO YOU THINK?!?”
Fool, I will DJ at your funeral if you keep that up.
That feeling of EPICNESS when you draw a wicked straight line without a ruler.
Student: Can I use the bathroom? Teacher: You should’ve gone during the break. Student: I’m sorry but I don’t have a pee schedule.
How to screw up a knock-knock joke: COME IN!!!
Next time a stranger talks to me alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”
You’re one year older than me. Don’t act like I’m five.
Dear radio, DO YOU HAVE TO PLAY A SONG I LIKE WHEN I GET TO MY DESTINATION?!
Today’s kids will never know the feeling of slamming a phone shut after an argument. Now all you can do is poke the screen in an angry rage.
I automatically start swinging my feet like a little kid when I sit in a chair that’s too tall for me.
When I close my eyes for five minutes and wake up two hours later…
When someone says “expect the unexpected”, slap them and say “you didn’t expect that, did you?”
I don’t know why you’re complaining about your appearance. Your personality is even worse.
I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.
Women are like volcanoes. Both stay calm for extended periods of time before exploding and killing everything in their path. Then they’re calm again.
I almost showed up at work today with a positive attitude but then sarcasm stepped in and saved the day.
Don’t like me? Cool, I don’t wake up every day to impress you.
Oh, I’m sorry. Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that you and I can be best friends!
I would like to apologize to anyone I have not offended. Please be patient. I will get to you shortly.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, say it sarcastically.
My headphones are in. Stop talking to me.
I’m allergic to stupidity so I break out in sarcasm.
If you don’t want a sarcastic answer, don’t ask a stupid question.
One does not simply brush off the glitter.
Why are you late? I don’t want to hear your excuses.
I don’t always make sense but when I do, I don’t.
A jealous woman does better research than the FBI.
Dear Millionaires, if you don’t have a bookcase that spins into another room, give me your money. You’re spending it wrong.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars. …where you will be forced to drift aimlessly farther into the vast, empty abyss of space until a lack of food, water, and oxygen causes you to succumb to death’s cold embrace. Sweet dreams, kiddo.
MATH: Mental Abuse To Humans
It doesn’t matter how old you are. If the balloon is about to hit the floor, you dive for it, fool.
Every kid today wants to be Batman, Superman, or Spiderman. Personally, I blame the parents. If parents were better at parenting, kids wouldn’t want to be orphans.
Superman: Maybe I could move the earth out of the way. Batman: If I had a week, I couldn’t list all the reasons why that wouldn’t work.
You couldn’t handle me even if I came with instructions.
Teacher: Would you like to share that with the class? Student: Obviously not, that’s why I whispered it.
Flynn Rider: The only Disney character to ever question why people sing randomly.
ETC. End of Thinking Capacity.
That ‘kill me’ moment when you think you’re done with the dishes and you turn around and there are more pots.
‘Now that the spider bit me, am I going to turn into Spiderman?’ ‘No, you are going to die.’
When a song comes on and you instantly think you’re a drummer.
When someone erases the board while you’re taking notes.
When your parents don’t appreciate the hilarious child they were blessed with.
“What time is it?” - “There’s a clock right there.” - “Did I ask you where the clock was?”
You never really know someone until you play Uno and the fool hits you with a plus-four card.
There are three levels of pain. 1) Pain. 2) Excruciating pain. 3) Stepping on a Lego
Admit it, at some point you tried to see if you have superpowers.
At least once in your life, you’ve tried to drink out of your bowl like a dog.
When you’re doing an essay late at night: *passes out and falls off chair*
When a teacher grades your paper and writes a note in cursive: What does that say?!?
Do you do marathons? - Yes, all the time, which show?
When someone catches you in a lie: *knocks something over and runs away*
Giving gum to a friend is like a drug deal. You didn’t hear anything, see anything, and you didn’t get it from me.
Me: “Should I get in trouble for something I didn’t do?” Teacher: “No.” Me: “Good, because I didn’t do my homework.”
“WHO THE FREAK TOOK MY…oh…Here it is…”
I don’t have bad handwriting. I have my own font.
Why is Monday so far away from Friday but Friday is so close to Monday?
You know you made a good pun when everyone gets ticked off.
Hand sanitizer: Helping you discover cuts you never knew you had.
Interrupt my sleep and I’ll interrupt your breathing.
When a boy gets jealous, it’s kinda cute. But when a girl gets jealous, World War III is about to start.
When you’re thinking to yourself and laugh because you’re just so funny.
When you get that random chill for no reason: *spasm*
Thinking that if you lean side to side with your controller, it will help you turn.
Friends won’t let you be crazy…alone.
That face you make when you’re singing your favourite part of the song…
When I’m hungry and someone asks me for some of my food: I ain’t givin’ you nothing!
You call it “road rage”. I call it “aggressively maneuvering around morons that don’t know how to frikkin drive”.
Teacher: Now just write these notes while I stand in front of it. “I’m not going to teach this. You’ll learn it next year.” Next year: “I’m going to skip this. You should remember it from last year.”
That moment when you realize you did have homework.
‘Why do I hear people talking?’ - ‘Maybe because you have ears!’
Brace yourself. Homework is coming.
‘Why are you talking in the middle of my class?’ - ‘Why are you teaching in the middle of my conversation?’
That moment when you walk into a spider web and automatically turn into a karate master.
I’m warning you. Don’t mess with me. I know Kung Fu, Karate, Judo, Tae Kwon Do, Jujitsu, and twenty-eight other dangerous words!
You only live once? False. You live every day. You only die once.
Some say the glass is half full, others say the glass is half empty. I say, “Are you going to drink that?”
Love your enemies. It messes with their minds.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood.
“Nervous?” - “A little bit…” - “Your first time?” - “No, I’ve been nervous before.” *face-palm*
When something goes wrong in life, just yell "PLOT TWIST!!" and move on.
I am fluent in three languages... English, Sarcasm, and Profanity.
I was hoping for a battle of wits but you seem unarmed.
I saw that. -Karma
The long, sarcastic laugh you make before you say "no."
Homework. Because 7 hours of school wasn't enough.
A Sign: ‘This Door is Alarmed.’ A Sticky-Note: ‘What startled it?’
A man came to my door and asked me if I could donate to the local swimming pool. And I came back with a glass of water.
I can’t take this long distance relationship anymore. Fridge, you’re coming to my room.
My friend thinks he’s smart. He said the only food that can make you cry is an onion. So I threw a coconut at his face.
BACON. ...Admit it. For a minute there, all your problems went away.
“Hey, I had a dream about you.” - “Aww, really?” - “Yeah, you died.”
In bed, it’s six AM. You close your eyes for five minutes and it’s seven forty-one. At work, it’s one thirty. You close your eyes for five minutes and it’s one thirty-one.
When a woman says “what?”, it’s not because she didn’t hear you. She’s giving you a chance to change what you said.
If women could read minds, every second a man would get slapped.
Sometimes I listen to stranger’s conversations and mentally give my opinion.
“Username or password incorrect.” Well at least tell me which one.
I’m a female. Fe = Iron. Male = Man. Therefore, I am Iron Man.
With great power comes a great electricity bill.
What would happen if Pinocchio said, "My nose will grow right now"?
The next sentence is true. The previous sentence is false.
If everything is possible, is it possible for something to be impossible?
Nobody goes to that restaurant because it is too crowded.
A girl goes into the past and kills her Grandmother. Since her Grandmother is dead, the girl was never born. If she were never born, she never killed her grandmother.
Answer truthfully (yes or no) to the following question: Will the next word you say be 'no'?
Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
Sometimes the road less travelled is less travelled for a reason.
You want me to watch my mouth? HOW?! Take my eyeballs and turn them around?!?!
WARNING: TO AVOID INJURY; DO NOT tell me how to do my frikkin job!
Person: Hey, you're blocking the view! Me: I AM the view.
The world's a stage but the play is badly cast.
I don't like to think before I speak, I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
If you could read my mind you would be either traumatized or aroused, maybe both.
If Monday had a face, I would punch it.
Crap happens. I mean… Look at your face.
Oh, you're his ex? Nice meeting you, I'm the upgrade.
While arguing, some people are like "I'M NOT YELLIN!"
Be careful whose toes you step on today because they might be connected to the foot that kicks your butt tomorrow.
We are all going to hell, and I am driving the bus.
The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don’t have to mow it.
A person who aims at nothing is sure to hit it... Or something... Or someone...
Enjoy life. There's plenty of time to be dead.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyways.
Some teenagers express their burning desire to be different by dressing exactly alike.
If at first, you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
You're young only once, but you can be immature for the rest of your life.
I Googled "Who frikkin cares?” My name didn't come up in the results.
My silence doesn't mean I agree with you. It's just that your level of ignorance rendered me speechless.
Everyone needs a smart-alec sarcastic friend. I'm so happy to be of service to you.
I should be ashamed of some things I do. I'm not, but I should be.
If I could get a firm grip on reality... I would choke it.
Does it count a saving someone’s life if you refrained from killing them?
Sometimes my greatest accomplishment is keeping my mouth shut.
If we killed everybody that hates you, it wouldn't be murder... It’d be the apocalypse.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
LAUGHING SARCASTICALLY. THEN MAKING A SERIOUS FACE.
I don't necessarily agree with everything I say. I was mostly disagreeing with you.
Don’t steal! The government doesn't like competition!
Some people just need a hug!!! Around the neck. With my hands.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
There’s a good chance you don't like me. Although to be fair, there is a bigger chance that I don't care.
This is an excellent time for you to become a missing person.
If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember that they forgot?
If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe.
completely healthy person parking in handicapped parking space* Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.
Get your facts first. Then you can distort them as you please.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while, I was a suspect.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is.
The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse who gets the cheese.
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.
I'm so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I'm saying.
Mirrors can't talk. Lucky for you, they can't laugh either.
Dear Parents, Jasmine was in a relationship with a dirty homeless boy named Aladdin. Snow White lived alone with seven men. Pinocchio was a liar. Robin Hood was a thief. Tarzan walked around without any clothes on. A stranger kissed Sleeping Beauty and she married him. Cinderella lied and snuck out of the house at night to go to a party. You can’t blame us. We were taught to rebel at such a young age.
When I’m bored, I send a text to a random number saying “I hid the body. Now what?”
I’m not crazy! I’m just special! …no wait…maybe I am crazy… One second. I have to talk to myself about this. Hold on.
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do.
If you want me to go running with you, I'm going to need some motivation...Like a clown waving a bloody knife and chasing us.
If you've never jumped from one couch to the other to avoid the lava you've never had a childhood.
I know the VOICES aren't real but they have some really great ideas!
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement.
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
The main purpose of holding parties is to remind yourself that there are people more awful than you.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
You're wrong for thinking I'm wrong so that makes you wrong twice.
We didn’t lose...we just ran out of time.
Don't criticize my mess unless you'd like to become part of it.
From now on I'm going to treat people exactly how they treat me... some will be happy, others should be scared.
Never do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics.
Nothing is as frustrating as arguing with someone who knows what he's talking about.
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
I hear voices in my head. But that’s alright. Most of them are pretty nice.
You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
Nine of the ten Voices in my head think I'm sane. The tenth is undecided.
I’m not saying you’re stupid. I’m just implying it.
"Be OPTIMISTIC... all the people you hate are eventually going to die!"
Everybody is a little weird and life is a little weird and when people find someone whose weirdness is compatible with their own they couple together and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.
Nothing is Impossible. The word itself says I'm possible.
I like poetry, long walks on the beach, and poking dead things with a stick.
I'm not insensitive. I just don't care
You say psycho like it's a bad thing...
"I'm not psycho...I just like psychotic things."
Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but you abuse the privilege.
Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all the stupid people.
Yeah, yeah, keep talking, someday you might say something intelligent.
You laugh because I'm different. I laugh because you are all the same.
I've always wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my enemy to go swimming.
Heaven kicked me out. Hell was afraid I'll take over.
I'm bored. Run for your sanity.
I didn't deny it! I just didn't admit it!
Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work here is done.
You know it's going to be a bad day when you jump out of bed and miss the floor.
Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
Don’t follow me, I’m lost too.
I’m not afraid of Death. What’s it gonna do? Kill me?
I’ll try to be nicer if you try to be smarter.
Life sucks and then you die.
Why do people say, “You can’t have your cake and eat it too”? Why would someone get cake if they can’t eat it?
When it rains on my party, I bust out the slip n’ slide.
Of course, I’m talking to myself. Who else can I trust?
Let me know if anything I say offends you, I might wanna offend you later.
A recent survey stated that the average person’s greatest fear is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked even higher than death which was third on the list. So, you’re telling me that at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin than have to stand up and give a eulogy?
Shut up voices or I’ll poke you with a fork.
Do I have to spell it out for you or scream it in your face?
All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.
Stupidity is not a crime so you’re free to go.
"First, nobody can be like you. You're insane. In fact, insane people even call you insane."
If at first, you don't succeed...go back and reload the gun.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they'll be when you kill them.
STRESS: A condition brought on by overriding the body's desire to choke the living daylights out of some jerk who desperately deserves it.
"My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying."
"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick -- not wounded -- dead."
"A word to the wise ain't necessary-it's the stupid ones that need the advice."
"Women who behave rarely make history."
“You weren’t paying attention. Besides, the best way to win an argument is to knock the other person out.”
"I enjoy sarcasm. So should you."
Good luck seldom comes in pairs but bad things never walk alone.
English: A language that lurks in dark alleyways, beats up other languages, and rifles through their pockets for spare vocabulary.
I like villains because there's something so attractive about a committed person - they have a plan, an ideology, no matter how twisted. They're motivated.
You wouldn't last five minutes in my head.
Only the good die young. That is why immortality is reserved for the greatest of evils.
'I'm not short-tempered; I just have a quick reaction to bull-crap.'
I LOVE EVERYBODY. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others I would love to punch in the face.
Flying is not inherently dangerous- crashing is.
Wanna know how to keep an idiot busy? Take him into a round room and tell him to sit in a corner.
Some say the glass is half full, others the glass is half empty, all I want to know is who's drank my water!
Normal people scare me... But not as much as I scare them.
Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.
Just when I think you've said the stupidest thing ever you just keep on talking.
I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on someone else.
I speak Sarcasm as a second language
Screw hugs. I’m going to tackle you when I see you.
Sell crazy somewhere else; we're all stocked up here.
No great genius has ever existed without some touch of madness.
And I'm quoting because I don't have the time or energy to make stuff up anymore.
Shoot for the moon. If you miss, you'll land among the stars, and if you fall, you'll land on top of the world. And if you fall off that, well, you're screwed.
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 different ways it won't work.
Young enough to know you can, old enough to know you shouldn't, stupid enough to do it anyway.
I didn't mean to hurt your feelings; I was aiming for your face.
Everyone Is immortal till they DIE.
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your kids.
We childproofed our home three years ago… And they’re still getting in!
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
If FedEx and UPS merged, would they be Fed Up?
If a man says something in the woods and there is no woman there to hear him… Is he still wrong?
A clean desk is the sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbour’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
When someone says “penny for your thoughts” and you put your two cents in, where does the extra penny go?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
He who dies with the most toys is still dead.
You're ten and you have an iPad? When I was your age, I had an imagination.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will get in and clean them?
If you try to fail and succeed at it, which have you done?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How come we put a man on the moon before we realized it would be a good idea to put luggage on wheels?
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket.
The problem with the gene pool? No lifeguard.
How come just one careless match can cause a forest fire but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Santa Claus had the right idea: visit people only once a year.
If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with “quit while you’re ahead?”
Talk is cheap. Except when Congress does it.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
You know how when people see a litter box, they say “Oh, do you have a cat?” Just once, I want to say “No, it’s for the company.”
What’s white and fourteen inches long? Absolutely nothing.
When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane, going the wrong way.
Warning: dates in calendars are much closer than they appear.
If the enemy is in range…so are you.
If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?
The English Language: Here's a bunch of ways to remember proper grammar! But here's the list of every exception to these rules! Have fun memorizing it all.
Nerd Problem: People think it's weird that you like to smell books.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer? No? Good.
If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
All generalizations are false…even this one.
If the police arrest a mine, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.
Be more or less specific.
IRS: we’ve got what it takes to take what you got.
How do you know when you’ve run out of invisible ink?
Friends may come and go but enemies tend to accumulate.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will design a better idiot.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else.
I won’t rise to the occasion but I’ll slide over to it.
If voting could change things, it’d be illegal.
Everyone lies…but it doesn’t matter because nobody listens.
There’s always death and taxes. However, death doesn’t keep getting worse every year.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Opportunity always knocks when you’re in the shower.
When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
If you don’t care where you are, you ain’t lost.
Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
My mind is like a steel trap: rusty and illegal in 37 states.
A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.
Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
Some cause happiness wherever they go…others, whenever they go.
It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.
The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
The enemy isn’t conservatism. The enemy isn’t liberalism. The enemy is bull-crap. –Lars-Erik Nelson
All of us could take a lesson from the weather: it pays no attention to criticism.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it. –Groucho Marx
A penny saved is a government oversight.
When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
Doing the job right gets the job done. Doing the job wrong 14 times gives you job security.
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings. They did it by killing everyone opposing them.
Ham and eggs: a day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Show him the internet and he won’t bother you for weeks.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?
If you can’t be kind, at least be vague.
Age is important only if you’re cheese or wine.
Why are "a wise man" and "a wise guy" opposite?
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Last night, I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If it’s zero degrees out today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, there’s shipping and handling.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
How do you get holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than letting her keep him.
What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook? Wet feet.
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Keep your words soft and sweet. One day, you may have to eat them.
Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time because then you won’t have a leg to stand on.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
Bad decisions make good stories.
Nothing is worse than that moment, during an argument, when you realize you’re wrong.
I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
I keep some peoples’ numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
I used up all my sick days so I’m calling in dead.
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents. …the second half, by our children.
Yes, this is my pickup. No, I will not help you move.
Why is it called “after dark” when it’s after light?
When in doubt, mumble.
God created man-THEN had a better idea!
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level and beat you with experience. Never argue with me, I’ll drag you down to my level and beat you with a bat.
The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of days I've stayed alive.
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
We have enough gun control; what we need is idiot control.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
By the time a man realizes his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.
Good health is merely the slowest way you can die.
Women may not hit harder but they do hit lower.
The TV can insult your intelligence but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you try to catch it then when you are sitting in it.
In the fantasy world, friendship is like My Little Pony. In reality, it ends up being Criminal Minds.
Well, aren't we just a ray of f*ing sunshine?
Goodness, that was close! I almost gave a damn!
Let's pretend I give a s* and leave it at that.
If you have a problem with me, please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, and shove it up your ass.
Don’t get me started. I don’t have brakes.
Admitting you're an asshole is the first step...
ASK ME about my ability to annoy complete strangers...
At night, I can’t sleep. In the morning, I can’t wake up.
Sweetie, if you’re gonna be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty.
5 WAYS TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries With That.
3. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In".
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
5. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
4 REASONS TO JOIN THE DARK SIDE
1. You get a sweet, dark cape that covers your whole body!
2. You get a really cool, crazy laugh!
3. You get to walk out of shadows mysteriously and freak out the good guys!
4. You get to wear black. Everything looks better and more form-fitting when it's black.
18 THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR
1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
4. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
5. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
6. Do Tai Chi exercises.
7. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
8. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
9. Leave a box between the doors.
10. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
11. Play the harmonica.
12. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
13. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
14. Bring a chair along.
15. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
16. Bring a water pistol. Soak everyone's shoes.
17. Laugh hysterically for five seconds, stop, and glare at the other passengers like they are crazy.
18. Crouch in one corner and growl menacingly at everyone who gets on.
10 WAYS TO ANNOY PEOPLE
1. When giving directions, leave out a turn or two
2. Develop at least three strategies for cutting into the front of lines
3. Sigh a lot when talking to someone.
4. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
5. Shake with your left hand
6. Drum on every available surface.
7. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
8. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
9. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
10. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
10 THINGS TO DO AT WALMART
1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,
" 'Code 3' in housewares"... and see what happens.
4. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
5. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
6. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
7. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
8. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream... "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!"
9. Challenge people to duels in the back aisles with wrapping paper tubes.
10. Throw things over one aisle into another one.
7 THINGS TO HATE ABOUT EVERYONE:
1. People who are willing to get off their butt to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
2. When people say "Are you looking for something?". No, I like wandering around the house like an idiot looking under stuff.
3. When people say while watching a film "Did you see that?". No Loser, I paid 12 bucks to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
4. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
5. When people say "life is short". What the heck? Life is the longest darn thing anyone ever does! What can you do that's longer?
6. When you are waiting for the bus and somebody asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
7. McDonald's staff who pretend they don't understand you if you don't insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering... It has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger gets blank looks. Well, I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes, you McIdiot!!!
YOUR GUY SIDE:
[x] You love hoodies.
[x] You love jeans.
] Dogs are better than cats.
] It's hilarious when people get hurt.
[x] You've played with/against boys on a team.
[x] Shopping is torture.
[x] Sad movies suck.
] You own/ owned an XBox.
[x] Played with Hot Wheel cars as a kid.
] At some point in time, you wanted to be a firefighter.
] You own/ owned a DS, PS2 or Sega.
] You used to be obsessed with Power Rangers.
[x] You watch sports on TV.
] Gory movies are cool.
[x] You go to your dad for advice.
] You own like a trillion baseball caps.
] You like going to high school football games.
] You used to/do collect football/baseball cards.
] Baggy pants are cool to wear.
[x] It's kinda weird to have sleepovers with a bunch of people.
[x] Green, black, red, blue, or silver are one of your favourite colours.
] You love to go crazy and not care what people think.
[x] Sports are fun.
[x] Talk with food in your mouth.
[x] Sleep with your socks on at night.
YOUR GIRL SIDE:
] You wear lip gloss/stick.
] You love to shop.
] You wear eyeliner.
] You wear the colour pink
[x] Go to your mom for advice.
] You consider cheerleading a sport.
] You hate wearing the colour black.
] You like hanging out at the mall.
] You like getting manicures and/or pedicures.
] You like wearing jewelry.
] Skirts are a big part of your wardrobe.
] Shopping is one of your favourite hobbies
] You don't like the movie Star Wars.
[x] You were in gymnastics/dance.
] It takes you around/more one hour to shower, get dressed, and make-up.
] You smile a lot more than you should.
] You care about what you look like.
] You like wearing dresses when you can.
] You like wearing body spray/perfume/cologne.
[x] You love the movies.
[x] Used to play with dolls as little kid.
] Like putting makeup on someone else for the joy/joke of it.
] Like being the star of everything
1. Jason Todd/Red Hood (Batman)
2. Lee Ping (Detentionaire)
3. Reef (Stoked)
4. Danny Fenton/Phantom (Danny Phantom)
5. Broseph (Stoked)
6. Lynch Webber (Detentionaire)
7. Dick Grayson/Nightwing (Batman)
8. Casey Jones (TMNT 2012)
9. Peter Parker/Spider-Man (Ultimate Spider-Man)
10. Dipper Pines (Gravity Falls)
11. Adrien Agreste/Chat Noir (Miraculous)
12. Wade Wilson/Deadpool (Ultimate Spider-Man)
1. Have you ever read a Six/Eleven fanfic before?
Nope and thx for that I do not need those two together in my head. It’s weird enough with 2/6.
2. Do you think Four is hot? How hot?
Yep. So hot he’s cold (Ice powers are amazing!!!)
3. What would happen if Twelve got Eight pregnant?
For some reason, I would not be surprised and they would get along just swimmingly.
4. Do you recall any fics about Nine?
Yup, a lot of them (not all are up to my standers on the character(s) or plot(s)).
5. Would Two and Six make a good couple?
Although it’s weird, I’m finding that I like it the more I read it.
6. Five/Nine or Five/Ten?
Broseph/Peter over Broseph/Dipper b/c Dipper is too tense and Broseph is laid back. Honestly, 5/10 is a no go (never).
7. What would happen if Seven walked in on Two and Twelve kissing?
Nightwing would ask Deadpool if he was an alternate version of his oldest younger brother and if so: “Who’s the man?”. Deadpool would do something inappropriate and scare NW away before going back to snogging Lee while he stutters/blushes/stares at nothing, rethinking his relationship with the crazy dude in red and black spandex.
8. Make up a summary of a Three/Ten fic.
Reef comes into town. Dipper finds he has a thing for redheads, regardless of their gender.
9. Is there any such thing as a One/Eight fluff?
Not that I have seen… yet, I’d be interested in seeing what chaos would ensue.
10. Suggest a title for a Seven/Twelve hurt/comfort fic.
“The Only Reason I Hurt You”
11. If you wrote a Song-fic about Eight, what song would you choose?
“Epic” by Manic Drive
12. If you wrote a One/Six/Twelve fic, what would the warning be?
Warning: Swearing, possible bodily harm/torcher, and definite character death.
13. When was the last time you read a fic about Five?
A month ago(?)
14. "(1) and (7) are in a happy relationship until (7) runs off with (4). (1), brokenhearted has a hot one-night stand with (11) and a brief unhappy affair with (12), then follows the wise advice of (5) and finds true love with (6).
What title would you give this fic?
Jason and Dick are in a happy relationship until Nightwing runs off with Danny. Red Hood, brokenhearted, has a hot one-night with Chat Noir and a brief unhappy affair with Wade, then follows the wise advice of Broseph and finds true love with Lynch. Note: Only pair I can remotely stand=1/7.
Title: “Brother-to-brother, To ‘Villain’-to-’villain’”
15. How would you feel if Seven/Eight was canon?
Frowns and shakes head vigorously*
16. What kind of plot would you use if you wanted Four kiss One?
First bonded over being half-dead (Jason is technically half-dead due to resurrecting and crawling out of his coffin- do not fight me on this), continue slow and steamy until a final confrontation with poetic passion. But then Lynch (going by the alias “Splatknock”) snipes/kills Jason (for real this time) b/c he hates/secretly loved him and didn’t want anyone to have him, then commits suicide before Danny could react (as he was too shocked to notice anything but his now-fully-dead soulmate). Danny berries Jason in secret and goes to the GZ to see if he came there. He did but unfortunately, Jason does not remember his lives and says he had found a lover which turned out to be Lynch (who remembers everything), to which Danny goes all Dark Phantom and destroys Lynch and the rest of the GZ. Ends with Dark Phantom stalking/chasing/calling out creepily for Jason through the ruins of the Infinite realms for all eternity. Jason is more traumatized than ever.
17. Does anyone on your friend's list write or draw Eleven?
I don’t have a friends list.
18. What might Ten scream at a moment of great happiness?
“AHHHHHHH!!!! THE JOURNALS!!!!”
19. What might be a good pick-up line for Ten to use on Two?
“I’m a category Ten, will you exorcise with me?” (Which would be a big, fat fail on D’s part. Lee: *looks at him like “WTH”*)
20. Would anyone on your friend's list write Two/Four/Five?
See #17 for reference.
21. 4 invites 3 and 8 to dinner at their house. What happens?
Danny invites Reef and Casey. Either an accidental but totally amazing adventure through the GZ or C and R get on D’s nerves and he gets fed up and freezes them (ice).
22. 9 tries to get 5 to go to a yoga class. What happens?
Broseph: “Sure dude. Been meaning to go for a while now.”
23. You need to stay at a friend’s house for the night. Do you choose 1 or 6?
Jason, definitely Jason (Lynch is a lunatic and is revolting). The upside of Jason’s- bloodstained couch (yes that is cool to me, deal with it).
24. 2 and 7 are making out. 10 walks in...Their reaction?
Lee and Dick*makes out*. Dipper*backs away slowly before booking it yelling-* “MABEL! THE MEMORY GUN!! NOW!!!”
25. 3 falls in love with 6. 8 is jealous. What happens?
Absolutely nothing (Reef/Lynch/Casey WILL NOT HAPPEN!!! EVER!!!)
26. 4 jumps you in a dark alleyway. Who comes to your rescue? 10, 2 or 7?
Lee or Dick, either one would do (Danny would just be playing a joke but still get seriously beat up, ghost powers or not b/c Lee is boss and NW was trained by BATMAN!).
27. 1 decides to start a cooking show. 15 minutes later what is happening?
28. 3 has to marry either 8, 4 or 9. Who do they choose?
Reef chooses Casey, on account of them the most likely to get along properly.
29. 7 kidnaps 2 and demands something from 5 for 2's release. What is it?
Dick kidnaps Lee and demands Broseph’s eternal love (Lee and Broseph were in a relationship, Dick was jealous. Lee is sad now).
30. You get to meet either 1 or 6. Who do you choose?
JASON-. Wait…, Lynch, so I can draw and quarter him (Don’t look at me like that. I don’t need to explain myself to you).
31. 10 challenges 4 to a chariot race. Why?
For fun. Danny and Dipper have a blast. (Double Ds)
32. Everyone gangs up on 3. Does 3 have a chance in hell?
Reef only has a chance if Dipper can diffuse the situation before anyone starts to think of doing anything rash. So, no, not at all. Plus Reef is a wimp.
33. Everyone is invited to 2 and 10's wedding except for 8. How do they react?
Casey crashes it anyway, because, ...Casey.
34. Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because Dick can beat Lynch to a pulp to hell and back b/c NW-TRAINED BY THE BAT!
35. 10 gathers everyone around to tell them a fairy tale. How does it go?
Dipper tells them of his adventures. They all get spooked at the one with the sock opera, ‘cuz who wouldn't be.
36. 1 arrives late for 2 and 10's wedding. What happens? And why are they late?
Jason: *kicks down the doors dramatically* “Sup”. He had to stop and get them a gift. A duffle bag- guess what’s in it. Yup.
37. 5 and 9 get roaring drunk and end up at your house. What happens?
Put (read: lock) Broseph in a closet. Hug Peter, steal his web shooters and put him with Broseph while I have fun with Spidey’s webs until they are not drunk anymore.
38. 3, 8, 6 and 4 all go to the zoo for 8's birthday party. How does it go? What presents do they get 8?
Lynch ruins everything. Danny= Ecto equipment. Reef= Surfboard and wax. Lynch’s gift is disposed of, unopened.
39. Everyone gets together and starts protesting something outside of your house. What are they protesting? What do you do?
That I have not made a fanfic about them all. Kiss/hug my heroes (Jason, Lee, Danny, Dick, Peter, Casey, Dipper, Broseph), slap/drop kick the idiots (Chat Noir, Reef, Deadpool), and jettison Lynch into space multiple times over after resurrecting him multiple times over.
40. 9 murders 2’s best friend. What does 2 do to get back at them?
Lee reveals Peter as Spider-Man.
41. 6 and 1 are in mortal danger. Only one of them can survive. Does 6 save themselves or 1?
Heck, Jason would leave Lynch. Lynch then perishes while Jason flips him off.
42. Which one of them is most likely to fail at life?
Lynch, b/c he already has. BURN IN HELL YOU CREEP!!!
43. 5 is trapped in a cave. 10 comes to rescue them. What happens?
Dipper ends up trapped with Broseph, they talk, until Jason comes along with explosives and fees them.
44. 3 starts a day camp. What happens?
Dishes everyone to go surfing. Every. Day.
45. 4, 6, and 7 are doing the Hokey-Pokey. 8 walks in. What happens?
Casey joins in and then they all kick Lynch out in the cold.
46. 1 starts to write a fanfiction where 9 and 10 are going out. What is 2's reaction?
Lee: *snorts, then proceeds to make fun of all three of them.*
47. 7 makes an apple pie. Is it any good?
Correction: Alfred makes the pie, Dick brings it to a party everyone but Lynch and Deadpool are attending and he says he made it. It’s Alfred- of course, it's good.
48. 8 and 3 go camping. For some reason, they forget to bring any food. What do they do?
YOLO the livelong day (the choice is up to you on what exactly they do).
49. If 2 and 3 started going out, would 12 be angry?
He wouldn’t give a *.
50. (10) has been crushing on (2) for a while, that is until they figure out (2) likes (6). (10) runs off and meets (8) and (4) who tell them to talk to (7) who tells them to hook up with (1) until (2) kills (1) and ends up with (10).
Dipper has been crushing on Lee for a while, that is until he figures out Lee likes Lynch. Dipper runs off and meets Casey and Danny who tells him to talk to Dick who tells him to hook up with Jason until Lee kills Jason and ends up with Dipper.
More Of This Stuff:
1. Jack Frost (Rise of the Guardians)
2. Virgil Hawkins/Static Shock (Static Shock)
3. Terry McGinnis/Batman (Batman Beyond)
4. Sonic (Sonic Boom)
5. Hiccup Haddock III (Dragons: Race To The Edge)
6. Stephen Strange/Doctor Strange (MCU)
7. Ben Tennyson (Ben 10: Alien Force)
8. Penn (Penn Zero: Part-time Hero)
9. Rex Salazar (Generator Rex)
10. Hiro Hamada (Big Hero 6: The Series)
11. Mal (Total Drama: All-Stars)
12. Talon (Inspector Gadget 2015)
1) Have you ever read a Six/Eleven fanfic before?
Nope, don’t plan to.
2) Do you think Four is hot? How hot?
Sonic’s an animal, so not really
3) What would happen if Twelve got Eight pregnant?
Typical Talon. Penn would freak while Talon is in a coma via everyone.
4) Do you recall any fics about Nine?
Have not read any yet.
5) Would Two and Six make a good couple?
Virgil and Strange? *falls down dead* (I can’t tell you strongly enough- NO!!!!!!!!)
6) Five/Nine or Five/Ten?
Hiccup/Rex would work, but no. Hiccup/Hiro ditto.
7) What would happen if Seven walked in on Two and Twelve in an awkward situation?
Ben would slap himself, then go to the farthest reaches of the Multiverse and rethink life.
8) Make up a summary of a Three/Ten Fanfic.
Both are stubborn. Both would sacrifice themselves for the other.
9) Is there any such thing as a One/Eight fluff?
None that I have heard of (thankfully).
10) Suggest a title for a Seven/Twelve Hurt/Comfort fic.
“My Crush Is My Enemy, Will You Take Me Instead?”
11) What kind of plot would you use if you wanted Four to go out with One?
THAT WOULD NOT HAPPEN!!!!!
12) Does anyone on your friends list read Three slash?
I don’t even know any Terry slash.
13) Does anyone on your friend's list write or draw Eleven?
Refer to #17 on the 1st list.
14) Would anyone on your friend's list write Two/Four/Five?
Refer to #17 on the 1st list.
15) What might ten scream at a moment of great passion?
Hiro: *deeeeeep breath* “WE CAN DO THIS! WE’RE A TEAM!”
16) If you wrote a song-fic about Eight, what song would you choose?
“Unstoppable” by The Score.
17) If you wrote a One/Six/Twelve fic, what would the warning be?
Jack/Doc S/Talon. Warning: This (and Talon) is stupid. Don’t ever read it.
18) What might be a good pick-up line for Ten to use on Two?
Hiro: *opens mouth* Virgil: "Oh no you don’t” *zaps him*
19.) When was the last time you read a fic about Five?
20.) What is Six's biggest secret?
He loves Tony Stark (platonic).
21.) Three and Seven got together. Your reaction?
It won’t work out: they're too pig-headed for each other.
22.) “One and Nine are in a happy relationship until Nine suddenly runs off with Four. One, brokenhearted, goes out on a date with Eleven and then with Twelve. After this, One follows the wise advice of Five and finds true love with Three." Fill in the blanks. What title would you give this fic?
Jack and Rex are in a happy relationship until Rex suddenly runs off with Sonic. Jack, brokenhearted, goes out on a date with Mal and then with Talon. After this, Jack follows the wise advice of Hiccup and finds true love with Terry."
23.) How would you feel if Seven/Eight was canon?
Honestly…? Not too surprised, as of Penn’s job.
24.) What would you think if One was emo and had tried to slit their wrists? If One is already emo/slit their wrists already, what would you think if One became the most optimistic person in the world?
Emo Jack? Yes please (no to the cut wrists though).
25) What would you feel this second if Four gave you a daisy right now?
Me: *deadpans: “Seriously?”*
26) Six has just stolen your hairbrush. What is the first thing you would say?
27) Seven, nine, and five have banded together at 3 in the morning and starts to sing the most annoying song you know as loud as they can, waking you up. What is the first thing you think?
(Ben, Rex, Hiccup) ‘Murder them all, dismember their corpses, drag their name through the mud, then spit on their ditch graves.' (I don’t care how much I love these guys, I will do this and worse to anyone who even says the words to that wretched “song” from hell. Plus the idiots woke me up.)
28) You just came home from school and all of your friends hate you, your teacher just gave you an F on the most important project of the year (just imagine it happened for the smart alecks out there), and your parents have grounded you as your teacher had already called and told them of your grade. You open the door to your bedroom and you find Ten rummaging through your stuff. What do you do?
Kick Hiro’s butt.
29) What would happen if Number 1 woke you up in the middle of the night?
Me: *sleepy yet cheerful voice* “Hey, Jack. If you did anything remotely stupid while I was asleep, I will not hesitate to do anything and everything I can to make your life infinitely worse than the deepest pit of hell.
30) Number 3 walked into the bathroom while you're showering?
“BATMAN'S A PERVERT!”
31) Number 4 announced he/she's going to marry 9 tomorrow?
I will sink that ship before it’s even built.
33) Number 6 is lying next to you on the beach, sleeping?
34) Number 7 suddenly confessed to be part of your family?
stares at him* “I disown you, good-bye.”
35) Number 8 got into the hospital somehow?
With a job like that… I’m not surprised.
36) Number 2 made fun of all your friends?
“Go jump in a lake, Virgil.”
37) Number 10 ignored you all the time?
draws on his face to see his reaction*
38) 2 and 11 are your teachers. What would you do?
Ignore Virgil. Protect everyone from whatever Mal is up to.
39) Two serial killers are hunting you down. What will 1 do?
If they don’t believe in him, I don’t think he can do anything.
40) You're on vacation with 5 and you manage to break your leg. What does 5 do?
Hiccup: “I feel, ya” *then proceeds to freaks out then eventually calms down (via me slapping him) to call the ambulance*
41) It's your birthday. What does 3 get you?
Terry give me a utility belt!
42) You're stuck in a house that's on fire. What does 4 do?
Runs in. Grabs me. Runs back out. Problem solved.
43) You're about to do something that'll make you feel extremely embarrassed. What will 5 do?
Hiccup will deter me, then bring it up to laugh at me at a later time.
44) You're about to marry number 10. What's 1's reaction?
“That one!? Why!?” (in a very whiny tone)
45) You compete in a tournament. How does 9 support you?
By kicking butt besides me as we sing “Transformed” by Shonlock.
46) 11 and 9 are blushing while they talk. What is their conversation about?
Nothing important- complaining about the heat. (Mal wants to obliterate the sun)
47) 9 became a singer?
“Can it, sprocket!”
48) 10 got a daughter?
“Ooooh. Who with?”
49) What would 1 think of 2?
50) How would 3 greet 4?
Terry (as Batman): *narrows eye* “What are you?”
51) Where would 8 meet 12?
Probably when Penn and co break into Mad Castle.
52) What would 9 never dare tell 10?
How should I know what secrets Rex won’t tell to Hiro?
53) What would make 1 scared of 10?
Hiro’s brother. (AU where Tadashi came back as a firepowered being, so…)
54) Is 3 gay?
55) 1 accidentally kicked 10?
Hiro did not feel it. Jack is confused.
1. Danny Phantom
3. The Spectacular Spider-Man
4. TMNT 2012
5. Gravity Falls
1. Who is your favourite character in 2?
Lee Ping definitely (That hair/voice though; Love It!). Close second- Biffy or Barrage.
2. Who is your least favourite character in 1?
Freakshow. (How dare you do that to Danny, you monster!)
3. What’s your favourite episode of 4?
(Haven’t seen all of them yet)
4. What is your favourite season of 5?
5. What’s your favourite relationship in 3?
I like Jameson's fatherly relationship with his son
6. Who is your anti relationship in 2?
Lee/Jenny or Tina/Brad
7. How long have you watched 1?
Since March of 2017
8. How did you become interested in 3?
Watched Ultimate Spider-Man. Things snowballed from there.
9. Which show do you prefer 1, 2, or 5?
11. Which show have you seen more episodes of 1 or 3?
Both. (Danny’s has more seasons/episodes though)
12. If you could be anyone from 1, who would you be?
Dan Phantom (he’s so bad-*).
13. Would a 3/4 crossover work?
Yes! Spidey fighting against/alongside Casey would be PRICELESS!
14. Overall, which show has the better cast, 3 or 5?
I don’t know. (Don’t know much about the actors)
15. Which has the better theme music, 2 or 4?
They are both so good! I am not able to choose between awesome and awesome.
THE 20 UNAVOIDABLE LAWS:
These are the unavoidable laws of the natural universe...
1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you will have to pee.
2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
5. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning or soon thereafter, you will have a flat tire.
6. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (Happens every time).
7. Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water or in the shower, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you do not want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
10. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11. Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
12. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something, which will last until the coffee is cold.
13. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness, colour and cost of the carpet/rug.
15. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
16. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
17. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
18. Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
19. Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
20. Murphy's Law: Anything bad that can happen will.
You know you’re fanfiction obsessed when...
1. You’ve become a total fanfic snob and will spend hours searching through fics, none of them being good enough.
2. You daydream about the fic you read last night
3. You often think, “I'd rather be reading fic”
4. You dedicate time to ‘fic searching’
5. Scenes from a fic become integrated into your mind as part of the original storyline
6. You’ll verbally and physically fight against injustices of your fandom
7. You’ll cry when you read character death
8. You’ve spent a total of five minutes muttering quite creative curses at the screen.
8. You read fic in class.
9. A fanart can make your day
10. An update can make your *month*
11. You have 1284849 bookmarks to fics that you’re supposed to read
12. A random scene you’ve read will pop up in your head and you’ll laugh out loud in the middle of class (wherever)
13. You’ll get upset and think, “All I want to do is read some fics, is that so much to ask?!?!?!”
14. You can never fully decide on your number one fic
15. You quote fic
16. You wish fanfiction got more credit
17. You wish your favourite fic was animated
18. You’ve realized many of these apply to you.
If they had given Danny Phantom half the attention or money they give to the mutant sponge, DP would be the top-rated show. If you completely hate Nick for ending production on Danny Phantom, copy and paste this into your profile.
The above is what I found on KodiakWolfe13's Profile page, with some adjustments; credit goes to them.