so i have deleted all of my stories. tis the end of my career on beloved-by-all fanfiction dot net.
why, you might ask?
simply put, i'm done writing fan fics. i enjoyed it, i really did, but i've moved on with my life. i'm twenty-one years old, trying to survive on my own, trying to decide if i want to go back to school, and trying to figure out what i want to do with myself ultimately. as you might have guessed, one choice of life i'm considering is writing. i would really like to start concentrating on making a career out of doing something i love so much. so while fan fiction has pumped me up and inspired me in so many ways, i feel like a lot of what i've written is far too personal for such frivolity. so i don't want to write like that anymore. i've spent about two years writing on here, and looking back on all my work, i've realized that i've put a lot of energy into everything i've posted for all of you to enjoy. the reviews have been astoundingly encouraging. since that is the case, i've started to think that maybe i can take what i've started on here and make it into something more. something that can be put on the shelf of a bookstore that everyone can relate to, not just fans of Kingdom Hearts.
basically, i'm making the announcement that i'm going to try and get a few things published. maybe in a year, maybe two, depending on my pace. i know this idea might not be popular with some (i've heard stories of a Harry Potter writer who did the same and got a lot of flak for it), but i don't care. i love these stories, and as i've said before, i've put so much of myself into them that i feel that i own them. not the fan fiction community, not the characters that inspired them, but me. since i haven't finished most of them, maybe it'll get some of you curious, perhaps even more so since changes will definitely be made because most of what was on here were first drafts anyway.
i hope some of you will keep an eye out for me. i'll be keeping my pen name and most likely the titles, so it shouldn't be hard. if you like the idea, please wish me well. if you don't, that's fine, just please don't make a scene and send me nasties. i, in return, wish everyone who cares the best, and that you will find as much fulfillment in what you're doing here as i have.
March 13, 2010-
due to the strenuous nature of my life during the past many months, i have not been much of a friend to the internet. in my opinion, that's not entirely a bad thing; there are plenty of things to live through irl. plus the connection at my previous two residences weren't exactly easily accessible at all times (that's what she said!) - but it has made me overlook and sometimes outright ignore messages coming from this reality of things. it is not out of spite, i assure. i've just had other shit to deal with. i've been writing my ass off, especially on the amorphous creature that was once HB and FG , yes, but to me, it has separated the realm of fanfic forever. it became far too wrapped up in the things i've actually lived through. however, when i finally sat down long enough to go through my email, i noticed messages from this treasured haven of my long ago were beginning to pile up. it is not just that i hide like a wolf in the woods. so i felt obligated to take the time to answer a few inquiries.
if i do happen to solidify the notion of publishing, don't worry - i will be singing about it for quite a while. there will be many an announcement made. however, i don't think i'll be keeping a blog on the project; advertising my creative process feels perverse to me. i'm rather flattered by the interest, but i am a private person for the most part. i only speak of personal matters to friends and drunk companions - and nothing is more personal to me than what i am writing. i do not keep a journal, so it acts as one, keeping me entertained and relieved through the hours i've had to persevere these colder months. when you read it, you shall know me. till then, it will have to remain a secret.
i will be using my assumed penname. it won't be spelled out Clover From Mars, because that would be stupid. rather, it will be initialized as C.F.Mars. i figured it was recognizable enough to those who already know it and approachable to newcomers, and would protect me from the fear of being too connected with my work to have a separate life. there are some things i'd rather my family didn't know about me.
the finished work will be completely different from what was written before. it has already gone through two or three phases, each stranger and more fanciful than the last. when i began writing, i was very much writing for a fanbase - people who, like i, were obsessed inconsolably with the vividly realized world of Kingdom Hearts. as such, there was a detachment from it at first. over time, though, and especially once i quit the internet, it became real to my eyes. hence my decision to try and make it real. thus, none of the characters are exactly the same, neither mentally or physically, since they have come from my mind rather than Nomura's. if anyone is still interested by the time that day comes when my book will be put on the shelves of Barnes & Nobles and Books-A-Millions and Borders all over the country, it will be an entirely different read. i feel that it is a much more poignant story this time around, and i have no intention of ever going back.
in that same vein, i am refusing requests for torrents or files containing what was originally posted on here. it is not exactly stinginess on my part, but rather an attempt to keep it gone forever, as i am pretty embarrassed by it. no matter how many times i hear it was good as it was, or how it touched people, or how it has become a favorite in some circles, i still look on it as a deformed infant of sorts. what i have moulding in my fingertips now is much more exquisite, and i would rather people remember this new version than the old. i know there are some who once had the entire story, saving it chapter by chapter as i shat it out, so i don't imagine it would be the hardest thing to find if one asked around enough. i, however, refuse to share, and instead wish to conceal those old memories like a repulsive mole on my skin. apologies.
i will definitely not be reposting HB or FG, nor Smiley Face, a new fic i began but took down before it came to fruition. i am considering reposting A Train Rolls By, though, the reason being because that is the one story i cannot find a place for in my heart besides as fanfiction. i enjoyed writing it so much i desired to make it something new, as i am attempting with the others, but the characters refused to budge and the story was fairly cemented as it was. it is a kingdom hearts fanfic, and cannot be anything but. it might take a while for it's reappearance, since i am reticent to go through the process of posting the chapters back up one by one. i believe that it should happen at some point, and be completed during times when all other endeavors weigh too heavily on my heart.
otherwise, i just wanted to give a hearty thank you to all the people who took the time to send me notes of encouragement. i'm sorry if any waited for a reply that never came, but take delight in the fact that each of those messages gave me a little boost in confidence. i want to write out all the feelings i have on it, yet i am too lazy and less than inclined to spend three hours writing out the various ways to say thank you. the feeling is there and i can only hope everyone can feel it in the collective subconscious. it was a lot more fun to hear from you guys on a much more regular basis - alas, i must submit to the whims of my fancy and continue to stay separate, for concentration's sake. my gratitude goes out to each of you who loved my work. take care.