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Hatsuka PM
Biography
Joined Mar '09

"There is a line you don't cross, am I right? You just don't pour water on a chick's harpsichord."
--Emilie Autumn

Name: Haha, wouldn't you like to know.

Age: 16

Country: England, which means I say colour, not color, and grey, not gray. It also means that I'm pretty good with the ancient and venerable tradition that is English snark (and slang), so if you're a foreign writer writing Harry Potter or whatever, I'd be happy to answer any questions.

Music: X-Ray Dog, Immediate Music, E.S. Posthumus, Paramore, P!nk, Tokio Hotel, Emilie Autumn, Vienna Teng, Porcelain and the Tramps, VSQ, The Dollyrots, Beverly Knight, Cinema Bizarre, LaFee, Jack Off Jill, KT Tunstall, Radiohead, Evanescence, Vanessa Mae, Kitade Nana, Green Day, My Chemical Romance, Nox Arcana, Muse, Placebo, Scarling, Ayria, Kerli. I suppose you'd say I'm... musically variegated.

Listening To: Emilie Autumn's Your Sugar Sits Untouched album. God, she's a depressingly good writer.

Reading: Tom Holt, The Better Mousetrap. Epic.

Writing: Remus/Sirius. Most freakin' adorable pairing EVER. Also, a slightly steampunk-y black comedy type thing, which will turn up on Fictionpress when and if I finish it.

A warning... I'm appallingly nosey. Review/add to alerts/whatever and I WILL snoop through your profile and your stories. Incentive/deterrent? You choose ;)

When girls get bored... 40 Ways of making yourself popular!
1. Point a hairdryer at passing traffic to see if it slows down.
2. Throw Skittles in peoples' faces and scream "CAN YOU TASTE THE RAINBOW??"
3. Go into a shop with one of those sticker-pricing gun things and price everything in the shop. Including the employees.
4. Go into a different shop and put an expensive item on the counter. Proceed to dump a huge handful of copper coins in front of the salesperson, who, with a deep sigh of resentment, begins to count them. S/he points out that you are 1p short. Shrug and say, "Oh, well, maybe next time."
5. Go to an electronics shop and have every product demonstrated to you, but leave without buying a thing.
6. Walk around with a bottle labelled "HOLY WATER". Whenever you hear someone swear or say "Oh my God", fling water at them and scream, "DEVIL CHILD, DEVIL CHILD!"
7. Sit in the middle of a row in the cinema, munch popcorn loudly and occasionally slurp from a nearly-empty cup. Scatter frequent toilet trips throughout the film.
8. Crack walnuts ALL the way through a long flight, and in the last half hour, throw all the shells backwards into the lap of the enraged man behind your seat.
9. Rachel's contribution: Talking while people are reading.
10. Emma's contribution: Reading while people are talking.
11. Laughing like a chipmunk on acid.
12. Sing in a really whiny, squeaky voice.
13. If someone is counting out loud or under their breath, yell random numbers at them. It will put them off and they will have to start again. Just have a getaway vehicule ready. This particular one has a high attempted-homicide rate.
14. Every time a teacher tells you something, say "but WHY?? I don't understand..." even if you understand perfecly.
15. When someone yells at you say "I'm sorry, what was that?"
16. Go "so's your face" to everything and enything anyone says.
17. When people make jokes, stare at them with a blank face.
18. Speak with a heavy Russian accent the whole day so no-one can understand you.
19. Go to the toilet in the middle of the night and "accidentally" send a tower of insert object here flying.
20. Ask your parents what they did in "The Great War".
21. Throw heavy magazines on the floor of your bedroom to make annoying banging noises for hours with minimal effort.
22. Every time someone begins a sentence, either shriek, "OMG, no way!" or start singing Can't Touch This.
23. During conversation, say to the man next to you "Look at her, I bet she's a total slag," and then pretend you didn't realise it was his wife.
24. Braid his/her hair while they sleep.
25. Curl your friend's fringe.
26. Utilise stress balls as excellent fake boobs. Allow your imagination to run riot and see how many ways you can find to embarrass male friends or acquaintances.
27. Every time someone starts a sentence, put your finger on their forehead and scream, "POKE OF DOOM!"
28. Rearrange someon's furniture while they are out.
29. Glitter.
30. When someone says something serious to you laugh in a mocking way and then go "Oh my God, you're serious?"
31. Learn the art of the mysterious humming noise. Very effective in school with a pushover cover teacher.
32. When you find out someone has contact lenses, insist on them taking them in and out over and over again as a demonstration.
33. Develop a fake phobia of insert name of everyday object here.
34. When someone asks you what you want to do later/if you are free say "I don't know, let me check with my child slave. Sorry! Assistant."
35. Talk extravagantly slowly/quickly. When someone asks you to repeat yourself, look at them like they are hugely and stunningly stupid.
36. Walk in front of someone and then accuse them of tripping you.
37. Hire a ventriloquist for a day. Hours of fun.
38. Drop a sandwich on someone's head from a height and then yell at them "You ruined my sandwich, you arsehole!"
39. Gather together male friends/acquaintances on a low-ish roof or balcony. Push them off and sing, "It's raining men!"
40. When people get anonymous Valentines cards, say "Oh right. I felt bad so I sent it." Then reveal the sack of cards you sent yourself (but keep that bit quiet).

Reasons for loving your mother...

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3 . My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the
store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught t me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your nec k!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don 't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Things I have learnt while doing my DT GCSE:
1. How to convincingly fake market research
2. Inventing a barrage of convincing reasons for every tiny decisions when subjected to vigorous cross-examination
3. How to vastly underestimate the amount of time any given task will take.
4. How to vehemently argue about the Jonas brothers… while looking like some great and important job is underway.
5. Much, much more about the love lives of the 'Disney clique' of celebrities than I will ever need to know...
6. How to use a large number of power tools with only minimal injuries to yourself and others in the immediate vicinity.

To conclude, a subject worth picking over Chemistry any day of the week.

How to host the perfect end-of-term rave...

How to host the perfect end-of-term rave, as carefully devised and tested by year ten of NHEHS. The things we do for you.

You Will Need:

A classroom designed for 30 people
Approximately 90 teenagers, ideally jacked up on sugar
A computer/someone's iPod and speakers
About 30 desks (they should already be in the classroom. If not, are you sure you're in a school, not a mental institution?)

How To:

Gather your 90 people into your classroom. It should be very squashed. If it isn't, the quality of your rave will be drastically impaired. Find some dreadful music that everyone knows on youtube or someone's iPod (Busted works brilliantly). The classic we used on the last day of the year was Living on a Prayer. Everyone should get up onto the desks (roughly 3 to a desk. This way, everyone is too squashed and hysterical to be self-conscious) and start dancing and 'singing' to the music. Stand back and laugh at the stupid dancing, while congratulating yourself on your rave. For the genuine NHEHS experience, when a teacher comes in and tells you off for dancing on the desks (preferably mentioning health and safety for ultimate comedy value), take your rave to someone else's classroom. Rave on until you have to go and do something tiresome like empty your locker.

Things to do when you're ill...
1. Train for the annual tissue wasting championship
2. Try to hypnotise yourself
3. Count the stitches in your pajamas
4. Break out the chemistry set and invent a cure for the common cold
5. Write in your blog
6. See how much lucozade you can drink in five minutes
7. Between sneezing and blowing your nose, consider the healthy losers doing hockey at school
8. Start trying to watch every video on youtube
9. Work out the Meaning of Life
10. Learn to play solitaire

Other general amusingness to brighten your day...

All the world’s a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I killed because they were annoying.

I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.

Once, a computer beat me at chess. It was no match for me in kickboxing, though.

Warning: Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be shot again.

Curiosity killed whoever got in my way.

I'm a bomb technician. If you see me running, try to keep up.

My karma ran over your dogma.

One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

Do not meddle in the affairs of slash writers, for you are cute, and would look good with another guy.

My life has a superb cast, I just can't figure out the plot.

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