My Favorite Quotes:
"The closest I've come to an art class is posing for one" -Beckett
"Posing in...?" -Castle
"Not a stitch" -Beckett
"You smell like cherries." -Richard Castle
"The heart wants what the heart wants." -Richard Castle
"The question is this. When it comes down to it, would you be willing to break her out of prison?" -Martha Rodgers "Don't worry Castle, I'd get you out." -Kate Beckett
"I don't believe in much, but i believe in us. No matter how hard you try, you'll never get rid of me." -Richard Castle from a letter
"To the extraordinary KB and all my friends at the 12th." -Richard Castle "He only dedicates his books to people he truly cares about." -Paula
"It's not about the books anymore." -Richard Castle
"I was drowning and you were dry land." -Kate Beckett
"If you don't believe in the possibility of magic, you will never find it." -Richard Castle
"She may have built up a wall between us, but I am going to build a door in that wall. Or put up a ladder. Or dig a hole." -Richard Castle
"The bubble bursts soon enough." -Richard Castle "Not if you're in it with the right person." -Kate Beckett
"OW! WHY would you DO that!?" -Hiccup
"Aaand now the spinning...thanks for nothing, you useless reptile." -Hiccup
"*hit* sorry! *hit* my bad! *hit* *smack*!" -Hiccup riding Toothless
"Alakazam, jackass." -Kate Beckett
"I like to feel...shiny..." -Kate Beckett undercover
"Two armed cops and a writer makes four, you're under arrest so get on the floor." -Richard Castle
"How do you know you're in love?" "All the songs make sense" -Castle
"The most worthwhile things in life are often the most difficult. For example-"
(Phone rings, Beckett calling)
"Wow, this really is a smart phone." -Castle
"Every morning I bring you a cup of coffee, just so I can see a smile on your face. Because I think you are the most remarkable, maddening, challenging, frustrating, person I've ever met. And I love you Kate, and if that means anything to you, if you care about me at all, just don't do this." -Castle
"Dat-da-dah! We're dead." -Hiccup
"Oh, I am hurt! I am very much hurt!" -Tuffnut
"I'm okay! *thump* less okay!" -Fishlegs
"I'll always find you" -Prince Charming
I just found these hilarious, but the quotes aren't mine.
I like hardcover books, because every time someone says that reading is stupid, I smack them with whatever book I have on hand.
Love? I'd rather fall in chocolate.
Yes, I hit like a girl. You would too if you hit a little bit harder.
The only thing better than chocolate is a good friend with chocolate
When Life gives you lemons, squirt them into Life's eyes and see how Life likes lemons then!
Remember there's a light at the end of every tunnel, just make sure its not a train.
Don't take life too seriously, it's not like you're getting out alive
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with
Some people are like Slinkies: not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face, when you push them down a flight of stairs
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Tough times never last, but tough people do
Imagination is more important than knowledge
You say I've lost my sanity. Well I have news for you. You can't lose what you never had
Yeah, Im a loser. but the coolest loser you'll ever meet
There's nothing wrong with talking to random objects, its when they start to talk back that you need to worry.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
What you call dog with no legs? Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
I could've eaten Alphabits and crapped out a better essay!!
Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil
You laugh because I'm different...I laugh cause I just farted!
He who laughs last didn't get it.
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
15 Ways to Get Kicked Out of WalMart
1-wander through the store dressed in all black with a fake walkie-talkie humming the Mission Impossible theme. When someone asks what you're doing, scream "LOOK OUT!!" and push them behind a shelf
2-Pass out bananas to random people and snicker loudly after they take one.
3-Buy 350 packets of tuna and scream "THIS CAN'T BE RIGHT!! YOU HAVE TO PUT SOME BACK!!" once the cashier tells you the price
4-Walk around looking confused in the CD section and ask someone where you can find some "musical devices"
5-when the announcer-thing comes on, throw yourself on the floor and scream "THE VOICES!!THEY'RE BACK!!"
6-start a fish stick fight
7-walk up to random people and give them giant bear hugs. Then scream "I MISSED YA, MAN!!"
8-(this requires a friend) Jump in a cart and have a friend push you around screaming "The British are coming!!"
9-walk up to an employee and murmur "code red in aisle 3" and see what they do
10-slip a bra and a lacey pink thong into a really macho-looking man's cart (just make sure he doesn't have any girls with him)
11-attempt to fly off a high shelf
12-throw confetti on random people walking into the store
13-whisper "I know your "little secret"' to people in the checkout line
14-stand inside the freezer at the frozen food section
15-walk up to empoyees and whisper "I saw dead people...They want me to take you away...to aisle 8..
Other Things to do when you're in Walmart!
1. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
2. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
3. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,
" 'Code 3' in housewares"... and see what happens.
4. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
5. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
7. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask,
"Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
8. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.
9. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are.
10. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
11. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look"
12. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through,
say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
13. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream..
"NO! NO! It's those voices again!"
14. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!
15.Grap alot of bouncy balls and throw them down the aisle, shouting "Go, Pikachu, Go"
While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this stuff, anyway?"
As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"
Randomly throw things over into neighboring ais
Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.
When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
While no one's watching quickly switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the rest room.
Attempt to fit into very large gym bag
Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "the fat man walks alone," and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them.
Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
In the makeup department, spray yourself with every perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with another girl and start flirting with him in that annoying, ditsy way. "hi!! (giggle) What's your sign?(giggle)." When the boy shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way. "hi!! (giggle) What's your sign?(giggle)."
Hold indoor shopping cart races.
Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.
Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"
apples on trees.
The best ones are
at the top of the tree.The
boys don't want to reach
for the good ones because they
are afraid of falling and getting hurt.
Instead, they just get the rotten apples
from the ground that aren't as good,
but easy. So the apples at the top think
something is wrong with them, when in
reality, they're amazing. They just
have to wait for the right boy to
come along, the one who's
brave enough to
to the top
of the tree.
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual labels on consumer goods:
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( that's the only time I have to work on my hair!).
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how?...)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)! (Too late! you lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought?...) (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?) (Whose body?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and.. .I'm taking this because?...)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?) (As opposed to use in outer space.)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (well no dur.) (but no peas?)
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?) (Raise your hand if you've tried this.)
On a cup of noodles: "WARNING: product may be hot when ready" (Apparently we use ice cubes to cook noodles nowadays.)
A newspaper headline read :FIVE MEN DO THE WORST THING EVER. And then there was nothing more on the subject but a picture of a jail. Anyone else curious what the 'worst thing ever' is?
A computer packaging label read "WARNING! Contents are liable to overload. HANDLE WITH CAUTION!". Don't computers need to be plugged in to overload in the first place?
On a package of sesame seed burger buns: "NOTE: ingesting sesame seeds will not cause sesame plants to grow in your stomach". Do I even need to say ANYTHING after that?
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm..something must have gotten lost in the translation..
On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one..
On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)
On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)
If you've ever asked a really stupid and obvious question, copy and past this into your profile
If you've ever answered a rhetorical question, copy and paste this into your profile
If you've ever pushed on a door that said pull, or vice versa, copy and paste this into your profile
If you've ever copied and pasted something onto your profile, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you have pulled a Max: You have made a snap decision and decided to do it without thinking it through first.
If you have pulled a Fang: You have sneaked up behind someone without them noticing, making it seem like you came out of nowhere.
If you have pulled an Iggy: You have run into an inanimate object without realizing it was there. This could include, poles, wall, doors, tables, etc.
If You have pulled a Nudge: You have chattered endlessly without even realizing it.
If you have pulled a Gazzy: You know who you are...
If You have pulled an Angel: You have said what a person was about to say, almost like you read their mind...
If you have pulled any of these things, copy and paste it to your profile!
If you read people's profiles looking for things to copy and paste into your profile, copy and paste this into your profile
If you have ever seen a movie (or show) so many times that you can quote it word for word, And you do at random moments; copy and paste this in you're profile.
If you've ever tried to put your hair behind your ears and ended up poking yourself in the eye, copy this into your profile.
When I read Maximum Ride I wanted to kill Fang for not kissing Max sooner. I mean, COME ON!
They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill to many people.
If you think those stupid kids should just give the rabbit the freaking Trix, copy this into your profile.
If you've ever run down an "up" escalator, paste this onto your profile.
If you've ever run up a "down" escalator, paste this into your profile.
If you have ever burst out laughing about something in a book, and people look at you wierd, copy and paste this on your profile.
If random songs pop into your head for no apparent reason, copy and paste this on your profile.
If you have ever read a 250 pg book in less than one day, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you've been on the computer for hours on end, reading numerous fanfictions, copy this onto your profile, and add your name to this list: danyan, Zutara Lover, Black'n'red'Butterfly, Enrica(real name)(i always change my penname)(tehehehe), I'veComeToTakeYourCheese, Vampire Scooby, Alannaswarrior, SpottedLilly (about 24 hours now not counting the few hours of sleep)VOLVO S60R,LoveMeForeverORLoveMeNever, EdwardEclipse, Alexz1jude, DaisyPinker(I'm always on FanFic! Like 24-7! I mean it! Really! Really really! god dammit i'm twitching again! don't judge! My mommy says I',m special! don't look at me like that! Why! why! why cant you people just leave me alone! Oh, god! THE VOICES! THERE BACK! NO! GO AWAY! LEAVE ME ALONE! oh, go I'm hypervenilating, the blackness, i want to give to the blackness! I cant breath! Help! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!-big breathe- okay I'm better! hehe.), AllIsFairInLoveAndWar
If you spend multiple hours each day reading or writing or a combination of both...copy and paste this on your profile.
If you've been on the computer for hours on end, reading numerous fanfictions, copy this into your profile
If you ever forgotten what you were talking about in a conversation copy and paste this into your profile
If you have ever stopped to look at something in the middle of a busy street, copy this into your profile
If you haven't died yet, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you have music in your soul, post this in your profile!
If you have ever tripped over your own feet, copy and paste
If you've ever burst out laughing in a quiet room, add this to your profile.
If you have ever pushed on a door that said pull or vise versa, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever fallen up the stairs copy this into your profile
If you have ever tripped over air, copy this into your profile.
If you have ever run into a door, copy this into your profile.
If you have ever run into a tree, copy this to your profile!
If you have/ wish you had a dog, and wish he could talk like Total, copy this onto your profile.
If you've ever been standing straight up and suddenly fell down for no apparent reason, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you've walked under something that was about two feet above your head and ducked anyway copy and paste this is your profile.
If you generally crash on your couch even when your bed is free, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you have ever zoned out for more than five consecutive minutes, copy this into your profile.
If you get good grades and still know nothing at all, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you ever read past two in the morning, copy and paste this to your profile.
If you've ever had a mad laughing fit for no reason, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you've ever walked into a wall before copy this into your pro.
If you ever wondered why we say cheese before we take a picture, then copy and paste this into your profile.
Three construction workers are on the seventy-fifth floor of a non-finished building. The italian opens his lunch box to find a pizza and says "Man, if I get pizza one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!" The chinese opens his lunch box to find rice and says "Man, if I get rice one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!" The blonde opens his lunch box to find a cheeseburger and says" Man, if I get a cheeseburger one more time im going to jump off this building and fall to my death!"
So the next day they all got the same thing and they jumped off the building to their death. That weekend at the funeral, the italian and the chinese wives are crying and saying "I would have fixed him something else for lunch but he never told me." And as the two wives stare at the blondes wife, they both ask why she isn't sad about her husbands death, the blonde replys "Don't look at me, he packs his own lunch."
3 Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven".
The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her". So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.
The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I stilll love her." He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.
The next guy came up and said, "I cheated on my wife alot". He gets a scooter.
Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.
He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!" and the man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates".
ThInGs To PoNdEr:
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance that little indestructible black box is?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
So what's the speed of dark?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a Train stops On my desk, I have a work station..
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Should women put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men?
How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Why can't you find fresh sardines in the fish market?
Why do so many old people eat at cafeterias?
Why does an "X" stand for a kiss?
Why does the word "Filipino" start with the letter F ?
Why are the copyright dates on movies and television shows written in Roman numbers?
Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara
with their mouth closed?
Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?
Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor,
while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?
Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
Why they are called apartments when
they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro,
is "Congress" the opposite of "progress"?
Why they call the airport "the terminal"
if flying is so safe?
Why is it called common sense if it's so rare?
A good or best friend!
A good friend will comfort you when he rejects you. A best friend will go up and ask him, "It's because you're gay, isn't it?"
A good friend helps you find your prince. A best friend kidnaps him and brings him to you.
A good friend will help you move. A best friend will help you move the bodies.
A good friend asks you to write down your number. A best friend has you on speed dial.
A good friend will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing. A best friend will kick the whole crowds ass that left you.
A good friend knows a few things about you. A best friend could write a very embarrassing biography on your life story.
Friend: Will help me find my way when I'm lost
Best Friend: Will be the one messing with my compass, stealing my map and giving me bad directions
Friend: Will help me learn to drive
Best Friend: Will help me roll the car into the lake so I can collect insurance
Friend: Will watch my pets when I go away
Best Friend: Won't let me go away
Friend: Will help me up when I fall down
Best Friend: Will point and laugh because she tripped me
Friend: Will bail me out of jail
Best Friend: Will be sitting beside me saying "Dang, we screwed up"
Friend: Will go to a concert with me
Best Friend: Will kidnap the band with me
Friend: Calls my parents "Mr." or "Mrs."
Best Friend: Calls my parents "Mom" or "Dad"
Friend: Asks me for my number
Best friend: Asks me for her number
Friend: Hides me from the cops
Best Friend: is probably the reason they are after me in the first place
Friend: lets me make an idiot of myself in public
Best Friend: Is up there with me making an idiot out of herself too.
Best Friends: Are 4 Ever
MURPHY'S LESSER-KNOWN LAWS:
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something
right, there's a 90 probability you'll get it wrong.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
The things that come to those who wait, will be the things left by those
who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he
will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12
people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
"I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no flipping way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Why the hell can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating student as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that shit up in two seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, oh crap, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you, you asshole."
"Why do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then have them read about wars in school that solved America's problems?" Anonymous
"Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak." Anonymous
"Everyday is a gift, that's why they call it the present." Anonymous
"My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it's gone." Anonymous
"If you know me, chances are you hate me." Anonymous
"Heaven doesn't want me and hell is afraid I'll take over." Anonymous
"When you get caught looking at him, just remember, he was looking back." Anonymous
"Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk and the rest of it telling us to sit and shut up." Anonymous
"Having the love of your life say you can still be friends is like having your dog die and your mom saying you can still keep it." Anonymous
"Sometimes, people just build walls up not to keep others out, but to see who cares enough to break through." Anonymous
"The cracks in the cement are a reminder that no matter how strong you may be, you can break." Anonymous
"Most people learn by observation, and there are the few who learn by experimentation. And then there are those who actually TOUCH the fire to see if it's really hot." -Anonymous
Why is Donkey Kong called "DONKEY" Kong if he's a monkey?
If your name is Mr. Crunch, and you joined the Navy, would you eventually be Captain Crunch?
364 days of the year, parents tell their kids not to take candy from
strangers, yet on Halloween, its encouraged! Why is that?
Whoever said nothing is impossible, never tried slamming a revolving door...
"Tragedy is when I cut my finger, Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die"- Mel Brooks
How is it possible to have a civil war?
When French people swear do they say pardon my English?
Aren't the 'good things that come to those who wait' just the leftovers from the people that got there first?
If the swat team breaks down your door do they have to replace it later?
"Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes."
"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most."
"An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if well aimed."
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound as they go by.
Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic...
Music is love in search of words
never do anything you dont want to explain to the paramedics
if it wasnt for physics and law emfoircement i'd be unstoppable
apparently 1 in 5 people are chinese, there are five people in my familly so it must be one of them. it's ether my mum or dad. or my older brother colin. or my younger brother ho-chan-chu. but i think it's colin.
borrow money from pessimists- they dont expect to get it back!
there are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & and those that cant.
if olive oil comes from olive's then where does baby oil come from?
If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet?
In that song, she'll be coming around the mountain, who is she?
How come we say 'It's colder than hell outside' when isn't it realistically always colder than hell since hell is supposed to be fire and brimstone?
Why is it that if something says, "do not eat" on the packaging it becomes extra tempting to eat?
Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse?
Why are the commercials for cable companies on cable but not on regular television? Don't they want the people without cable to buy the cable?
"Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?"
Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures'?
Why is it that when things get wet they get darker, even though water is clear??
Can mute people burp?
What happens if you put this side up face down while popping microwave popcorn?
Why is chopsticks one of the easiest songs to play on the piano, but the hardest thing to eat with?
How come you play at a recital, but recite at a play?
If heat rises, then shouldn't hell be cold?
Why is there that little space inside strawberries, as if it was meant for a pit, and then the seeds are on the outside?
Why isn't chocolate considered a vegetable, if chocolate comes from cocoa
beans, and all beans are a vegetable?
Why do companies offer you "free gifts?" Since when has a gift NOT been
If something "goes without saying," why do people still say it?
You know the expression, "Don't quit your day job?" Well what do you say to
people that work nights?
Why do you get in trouble for blocking an exit when you're standing in the doorway? In case of an emergency, wouldn't you run out, too, therefore NOT blocking the exit?
Why is it when some products you have to turn it upside down to read the directions, and the directions say do not turn upside down?
It IS as bad as you think and they ARE out to get you.
A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work.
If you can stay calm when all around you is complete chaos, you probably haven't fully understood the situation.
Don't knock on death's door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.
Flying is simple. Just throw yourself at the ground and miss.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor...
There is no "I" in team but the is an "I" in PIE and there is an "I" in MEATPIE and MEAT is an anagram of TEAM...
When someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown about it but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and punch the crap out of them.
The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not.
Don't you dare tell me the sky is the limit when there are footsteps on the moon.
Two things are infinite; the universe, and human stupidity... not so sure about the universe.
People like you are the reason why we have middle fingers.
Be insane... because well behaved girls never made history.
If dance were any easier, it would be called football.
Why do all superheroes wear spandex?
If mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes?
Why did Mary own a little lamb?
If a missing person sees their picture on a milk carton that offers a reward, would they get the money?
If the president were gay, would his husband be the first man?
If you were a genie and a person asked you this wish, "I wish you would not grant me this wish" what would you do?
Why aren't safety pins as safe as they say they are?
If overalls are held up by the snaps at the top, then why do they have belt loops?
One day your prince will come. Mine? Oh he took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.
WARNING: Do NOT walk in my footsteps... I tend to walk into walls, and off the occasional cliff
A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into perspective in one of its releases:-A billion seconds ago it was 1960.-A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive-A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.-A billion dollars only lasts 5 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate Washington spends it.
Even if the voices aren’t real, they have some good ideas
There are 3 kinds of people, those who learn by reading, a few who learn from observation and the rest who have to test the electric fence for themselves
Person #1: Happiness is just around the corner!
Person #2: Too bad the world is round!
Growing old is mandatory...growing up is optional...
You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it
My knight in shining armour turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.
Everything here is eatable. I'm eatable, but that my children is called cannibalism and is frowned upon in most societies.
-Taste the rainbow- Eat CRAYONS
-Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. -
- What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.'
Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.
- I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
- Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.
Got a problem with me? Solve it.
Think I'm trippin'? Tie my shoe.
Can't stand me? Then sit down.
"You can't always argue with all of the fools in the world. It's easier to let them have their way, then trick them when they aren't paying attention." -Brom, Eragon
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you,
But the roses are wilting,
The violets are dead,
The sugar bowl's empty,
And so is your head.
If ya can't beat 'em, join 'em.
If ya can't join 'em, bribe 'em.
If ya can't bribe 'em, blackmail 'em.
If ya can't blackmail 'em, kill 'em.
If ya can't kill 'em, you're screwed.
I ran with scissors, and lived!
You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder
I'm the kind of girl who will burst our laughing in the middle of a dead silence because of something that happened yesterday.
"Wal-Mart, do they like, sell walls there?" - Paris Hilton
When it rains on my party, I bust out the slip n' slide.
I agree with the dictionary. Girls before guys, partying before studying, and friends before love.
I don't obsess! I think intensely.
All the good ones are either dateing someone, married, or fictional characters in books or movies.
Stupid shiny Volvo owner.
The greatest challenge in life is to find someone who knows all your flaws, differences, and mistakes, and yet still sees the best in you.
"When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back and watch the world wonder how you did it."
"Those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it."
Bush gave an interview and he said people will vote for him because 'They've seen me weep, they've seen me laugh, and they've seen me hug.' These are the same qualifications for a Tickle Me Elmo.
A recent survey stated that the average person's greatest fear is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked even higher than death which was third on the list. So, you're telling me that at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin than have to stand up and give a eulogy.
I'm not so good at advice. Can I intrest you in a sarcastic comment?
Which way does a compass point in space?
Talk to the hand ,a flick of the wrist oh my gosh you just got dissed.
List of Phobias and fears, that I find funny
Allodoxaphobia- Fear of opinions.
Agateophobia- Fear of insanity.
Alliumphobia- Fear of garlic. -Vampires??
Arachibutyrophobia- Fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth.
Bibliophobia- Fear of books. -This would probably drive me to phobia listed above (Agateophobia-Fear of Insanity)
Chaetophobia- Fear of hair.
Chromophobia or Chromatophobia- Fear of colors. -That would seriously suck.
Dutchphobia- Fear of the Dutch. -Sorry Dutch people, but some people are afraid of you.
Anglophobia- Fear of England or English culture, etc.
Francophobia- Fear of France or French culture. (Gallophobia, Galiophobia)
Japanophobia- Fear of Japanese.
Russophobia- Fear of Russians.
Judeophobia- Fear of Jews.
Sinophobia- Fear of Chinese, Chinese culture.
Ephebiphobia- Fear of teenagers. -What can I say?
Ergophobia- Fear of work. -Sounds like a good excuse to me.
Germanophobia- Fear of Germany or German culture.
Gerontophobia- Fear of old people. -I just I can understand this one, I mean an old lady with crutches to walk with. (Shiver)
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia- Fear of long words. -Now this name is just mean!
Euphobia- Fear of hearing good news. -Wow
Nomatophobia- Fear of names.
Panophobia or Pantophobia- Fear of everything.
"We were in a top-secret facility in the middle of Death Valley, officially called 'Freaking Nowhere' on any map, and yet he managed to produce marshmallows." -Max
"I feel like pudding. Pudding with nerve endings. Pudding in great pain." -Iggy
"Why was the blind guy playing with matches, you ask? Because he's good at it." -Max
"Let's get out of here. A Ouija board just told me to save the world." -Max
"Can you giggle while racing for your life and protecting a six-year-old? I can." -Max
"Nudge is a great kid, but that motormouth of hers could turn Mother Teresa into an ax murderer." -Max
"Boy, you just can't kill people like you used to." -Fang
"Now, Max, I think we both know your parents aren't missionaries." -FBI investigator
"No? Well, for God's sake, don't tell them. They'd be crushed. Thinking they're doing the Lord's work, and all." -Max
"Can we see him?" -Iggy
"Ig, I hate to break this to you, but you're blind." -Max
"Hey whats taking you so long? What are you doing, shaving your mustache?"
"I dont have a mustache you idoit, and neither do you. Maybe, in a few years, we can always hope" - Iggy/Max
"Whats this our side, Kemosabe?" -Max
"It feels weird that no ones throwing a black hood over my head" -Max
"1)Sardonic laughter (always a good one)
2)Rolled eyes and snort of disbelief
3)Sarcastic "youve got to be kidding me" -Max
"Its a baby plane. Its gonna grow up to be seven-forty-seven one day" -Angel
"Louisiana, the state that road maintence forgot" -Max
"Mad crazy, not mad angry, though a lot of them do seem to have anger managment issues, espeically around me" -Max
"Fair isn't fair, Dean. Like I'm supposed to help you because fair is fair? Try, "I need you to help me so I wont rip out your spine and beat you with it." I might respond to that, maybe."
"Total you're black"
"I prefer Canine American" - Total/Iggy
"I take it you don't want me to call your parents."
Hello, Lab? May I speak to a test tube please? - Max/Dr Martinez
It was like Christmas, and his birthday, and sort of Halloween all rolled up into one. - Ari
"Now, let's say they come and get us." -Max
"And, like, the halls are full of zebras."-Ig
"And suddenly tons of bubbles are everywhere." -Gazzy
"And then everyone starts to eat beef jerky," -Nudge
"Yeah. I'll grab a zebra; Gaz, you fill all the bubbles with your trademark scent, so people are choking and gagging: and let's throw beef jerky right into their eyes! Now, that's a plan!" -Ig
"Buckingham Palace? You know, like where the Queen lives. And Mr. Queen?" - Nudge
"Is dere anysing special about you?Anysing worth saving?" "Besides my fashion sense? I play a mean harmonica." - Ter Borcht/ Fang
"For God's sake, Nudge, my ears are bleeding!"Iggy
"Nope," I said. "We're kinda low-tech than that." Like, having Kleenex would be a huge step up for us. Max
'I vill now destroy de Snickurs bahrs!' Gazzy barked."
'We look identical. She even had identical scars and scratches. She was wearing my clothes. How could you tell us apart?' (Max)
He turned to me and grinned, making my world brighter. 'She offered to cook breakfast.'" (Fang)
"'You were designed to be very smart, Max,' she told me.'We electrically stimulated your synaptic nerve endings while your brain was developing.' (The director)
'And yet I still can't program my DVD player,' I said." (Max)
9 Things I Hate About Everyone:
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their butt to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Darn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it? (YUMMY! CAKE! lol.)
4. When people say "It's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna kick their asses!
5. When people say while watching a film "Did you see that?". No, I paid 12 dollars to come to the cinema and stare at the darn floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya?
7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8. When people say "life is short". What the heck?? Life is the longest darn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?
Here is the BEST POEM EVER:
White is the colour of little bunnies with pink noses.
White is the colour of fluffy clouds fluffing their way across the sky.
White is the colour of soft serve ice cream in a cone.
White is the colour of angels wings and Angel's wings.
White is the colour of brand new ankle socks fresh out of the bag.
White is the colour of crisp sheets in schmancy hotels
White is the colour of every last freaking gol-danged thing you see for endless miles and MILES if you happen to be in Antarctica trying to save the world, which now you aren't so sure you can do because you feel like if you see any more whiteness- Wonder Bread, someone's underwear, teeth, you will completely and totally lose your ever-lovin' mind and wind up pushing a grocery cart full of empty cans around New York City, muttering to yourself.
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3 . My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the
store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught t me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck k!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don 't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
1. Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America...do drug stores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the drive way and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'
10. Only in America...do they have drive-up ATM's with Braille lettering.
When you rearrange the letters:
When you rearrange the letters:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
When you rearrange the letters:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
A Girl asked her boyfriend;
Girl: Do I ever cross your mind?
Girl: Do you like me?
Girl: Do you want me?
Girl: Would you cry if I left?
Girl: Would you live for me?
Girl: Would you do anything for me?
Girl: Would you choose me or your life
Boy: My life
The girl runs away in shock and pain and the boy runs after her and says:
The reason you never cross my mind is because you're always on my mind.
The reason why I don't like you is because I love you.
The reason I don't want you is because I need you.
The reason I wouldn't cry if you left is because I would die if you left.
The reason I wouldn't live for you is because I would die for you.
The reason why I'm not willing to do you anything for you is because I would do everything for you.
The reason I chose my life is because you ARE my life.
A girl and guy were speeding over 100mph on a motorcycle
Girl: Slow down, I'm scared!
Guy: No, this is fun.
Girl: No, it's not. Please, I'm scared.
Guy: Then tell me you love me.
Girl: I love you, you know that, now slow down!
Guy: Now give me a big hug.
She gives him a big hug
Guy: Can you take off my helmet and put it on yourself, it's bothering me.
In the newspaper the next day, a motorcycle had crashed into a building because of break failure. Two people were on it and only one survived. The truth was that halfway down the road, the guy realized his break wasn't working but he didn't want the girl to know. Instead he had her hug him and tell him one last time that she loved him. Then he had her put on his helmet so that she would live even if he died. Copy this onto your profile if you would do the same thing for someone you love.
IF YOUR LIFE WERE A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?
So, here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool.
Opening Credits: Hurricane - 30 Seconds to Mars (hm. way to set the mood. but anyway, I just heard this song recently and love it!)
Waking Up: Dynamite - Taio Cruz (enthusiastic.)
First Day At School: Rise - The Frames (wow someone had a bad day)
Making Your New Best Friend: Under the Sea - The Little Mermaid (o-kayy...)
Falling In Love: A Whole New World - Aladdin (niiiiccceeeeeee)
Breaking Up: Teardrops On My Guitar - Taylor Swift (aw.)
Prom: Should've Said No - Taylor Swift (oh man. that's just sad.)
Graduation: Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Man After Midnight) - Mamma Mia! The Motion Picture Soundtrack (oooh forward, aren't we?)
Life's Okay: Never Grow Up - Taylor Swift (cute!)
Death of a Close Friend: Just Wanna Be With You - High School Musical (not in that way, but okay.)
Mental Breakdown: Love the Way You Lie - Eminem Feat. Rihanna (interesting.)
Driving: It Is What It Is - Lifehouse (makes no sense whatsoever, but kinda funny)
Flashback: Cold As You - Taylor Swift (ooooh appropriate but angsty)
Getting Back Together: 100 Years - Five for Fighting (hope?)
Birth of Child: Tears of an Angel - RyanDan (umm...)
Wedding Scene: Club Can't Handle Me - Flo Rida ft. David Guetta (uh...Vegas wedding maybe?)
Car Accident: Closing Time - Semisonic (no comment.)
Final Battle: White Horse - Taylor Swift (hm. Regret?)
Death Scene: Picture to Burn - Taylor Swift (should've switched with the above one. ANGER! lol)
Funeral Song: Shot in the Dark - Within Temptation (ooh. angsty.)
End Credits: Crazy - Cee Lo Green (huh. interesting.)
Deleted Scenes: Speak Now - Taylor Swift (cool)
As you can probably see, I am a HUGE Taylor Swift fan from the vast number of songs I have on my playlist in order to get this many of her songs out of all the songs on my playlist from random. Anyway, according to this, my life would would make a pretty crappy movie.
(Man, I love these things...probably because they're freakishly accurate)
1. What does next year have in store for me?
2. What's my love life like?
I See the Light-Tangled (SO not true though)
3. What do I say when life gets hard?
Footloose-Blake Shelton (WHOOOO)
4. What do I think when I get up in the morning?
Celebration-Kool and the Gang (haha not every morning)
5. What song will I dance to at my wedding?
White Horse-Taylor Swift (awwww man!!!! unless, like, we met at the end of heartbreaks or something...)