20 ways to maintain a healthy level of insanity:
1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. see if they slow down.
2) Page yourself over the intercom. don't disguise your voice.
3) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "In"
5) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6) In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors"
7) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy"
8) Dont use any punctuation
9) As often as possible, skip rather than walk .
10) Ask people what sex they are. laugh hysterically after they answer.
11) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go"
12) Sing along at the opera.
13) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme .
14) Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day .
15) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because your not in the mood.
16) Have you co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
17) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I WON! I WON!"
18) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives! they're loose!"
19) Tell your children over dinner, "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
20) Post this on your profile to make someone smile. it's called therapy.
OBITUARY FOR THE LATE MR. COMMON SENSE
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense,who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and Maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6 year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get Parental consent to administer Calpol, sun lotion, or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.
He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
Hey guys, sorry I haven’t been very active recently. The Reason: I’ve just finished a book!
If you like my writing, check it out—hopefully you’ll enjoy it.
It’s called The Seeker’s Legacy by J Maguire on Amazon. :)