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greenwolf19 PM
Biography
Joined Jun '10

You say pink

I say black.

You say Justin Bieber.

I say Amy Lee.

You say, Selena Gomez

I say, Naruto Uzumaki

You say, Cartoons

I say, Anime.

You say, Wizards of Wavely Place.

I say, Death Note

You say, Twilight.

I say, Brother.

You say i'm werid.

I say, I'm DIFFERNET!

Copy and paste this if you are different

I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.

I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.

I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.

We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.

I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.

I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.

I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.

I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.

We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.

I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.

I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.

I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.

I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.

I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.

I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I did not have to always deal with society hating me.

I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.

I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.

I am the person who is afraid of telling his loving Christian parents he loves another male.

Re-post this if you believe homophobia is wrong. Please do your part to end it. Go gay rights!

If vodka was water...

And I was drunk...

I'd swim to the bottom and never come up...

But vodka's not water...

And I'm not drunk...

So slide me a bottle and shut the fuck up.

To those who have opinions and expressions that need to be unleashed

To those who wish to tell the world what their thoughts on something is

To those who make AMVs

To those who make honest reviews

To those who write Fanfiction

To those who hate something with a passion

To those who love something with a passion

Stand up and be heard

Let your voice and those of your fellow brothers and sister become one

Stand strong and brave

Stand up and Fight against those who wish only for control

Fight against those who only see the green of money

And not the blood red of our Human Rights

Let it be known we will not lie down and die

Let it be known we will not go down without a fight

We will go on

We will survive

If you are hearing

If you are watching

If you are reading

These words

You are the Resistance.

Copy and paste if your against the Protect IP Act and other such acts that threaten our civil rights: Golfbum of and ERJ Productionz, Lorenzo AKA Little Loco of ERJ Productionz, Raymond AKA Don Manta Ray of ERJ Productionz, Kylee of ERJ Productionz

You are a Don't Fuck With Me Seme!

Serious and to the point, and sometimes bordering on the sadistic, it takes a special breed of uke to satisfy your needs. You tend to be anti-social with little patience for most people. You need someone to challenge you and push you to your limits, and then be able to take your intense reactions, which possibly involves rope and sensual torture. This is what makes the Badass Uke the yin for your yang, as you're the only one able to put them in line and satisfy each other.

Most compatible with:Badass Uke

Least compatible with:Dramatic Uke, Innocent Uke, Clueless Uke

What seme or uke are you? Take the experience at "

The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here."

The black man turned around and stood up. He then said: "Listen sir...when I was born I was BLACK, When I grew up I was BLACK, When I'm sick I'm BLACK, When I go in the sun I'm BLACK, When I'm cold I'm BLACK, When I die I'll be BLACK.

"But you sir, When you're born you're PINK, When you grow up you're WHITE, When you're sick, you're GREEN, When you go in the sun you turn RED, When you're cold you turn BLUE, And when you die you turn PURPLE. And you have the nerve to call me colored?"

The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away...

Post this on your profile if you hate racism.

I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.

I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.

I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.

We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.

I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.

I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.

I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.

I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.

We are the couple who had the Realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.

I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.

I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.

I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.

I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.

I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.

I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I did not have to always deal with society hating me.

I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.

I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.

I am the person who is afraid of telling his loving Christian parents he loves another male.

Re-post this if you believe homophobia is wrong. Please do your part to end it.

This is a story about a little girl that was abused. If you care at all, copy and paste this into your profile:

My name is Sarah I am but three,

My eyes are swollen I cannot see,

I must be stupid I must be bad,

What else could have made my daddy so mad?

I wish I were better

I wish I weren't ugly,

Then maybe my mommy would still want to hug me.

I can't speak at all I can't do a wrong

Or else I'm locked up all the day long

When I awake I'm all alone

The house is dark; my folks aren't home.

When my mommy does come I'll try and be nice,

So maybe I'll get just one whipping tonight.

Don't make a sound!

I just heard a car

My daddy is back from Charlie's Bar.

I hear him curse; my name he calls

I press myself against the wall.

I try and hide from his evil eyes

I'm so afraid now; I'm starting to cry.

He finds me weeping he shouts ugly words,

He says its my fault that he suffers at work.

He slaps me and hits me and yells at me more,

I finally get free and I run for the door.

He's already locked it and I start to bawl,

He takes me and throws me against the hard wall.

I fall to the floor with my bones nearly broken,

And my daddy continues with more bad words spoken.

"I'm sorry!", I scream...

but its now much too late

His face has been twisted into unimaginable hate.

The hurt and the pain again and again

Oh, please God, have mercy!

Oh please, let it end!

And he finally stops and heads for the door,

While I lay there motionless; sprawled on the floor.

My name is Sarah

I am but three,

Tonight my daddy,

murdered me.

CHILD ABUSE: MAKE IT STOP.

Fanfiction Pet Peeves (from ChocolateRedVelvet who I agree with on everything):

1. Overused Couples: I'll read anything whether m/f, m/m, or f/f, so I have no problem with most couples. My issue is that about 90% of the Naruto fan fiction around pairs Naruto with either Sasuke or Hinata. Seriously? Whether your writing yaoi or straight fiction, think outside the box. There are only so many times someone can read about the same couple. Considering that there are literally hundreds of thousands of Naruto fanfics on this site many people have already reached their Sasunaru or Naruhina quota and I'm one of them. For the love of God pair him with someone else. At this point I'll read a Madara/Naruto fic before I'll read a Naruhina or Sasunaru one. (Actually Madara/Naruto sounds kinda cool, especially if Madara is gray or dare I say one of the "good guys".)

2. NaruHina: Hinata as a character bothers me so pairing her with Naruto makes me grit my teeth, roll my eyes, and close the window on a fic. No second chances. Hell, there are some fics I've loved until Hinata came on screen. Why do I dislike this couple so much?

1. Hinata never speaks to Naruto. Realistically, their relationship would never get off the ground. She can't talk to him without stuttering and fainting. Some fics take it to the point where she faints once every chapter. The foundation of a successful relationship is great communication. Seriously, how well are they going to communicate when the girl can't say a word to him without passing out?

2. She stalks him and never says or does anything to make his life better. I know she gave him the goggles but she never does anything concrete to make Naruto's life better. If you really loved someone you would do everything in your power to make them happy. Hell, if you're infatuated with someone you do that. Yet, I've read fics (also canon alludes to this) where Hinata follows Naruto around for years and yet she can't even speak to him, be his friend, or speak up for him. Naruto is the loneliest person in all the elemental countries when the series starts and yet she can't get up the courage to befriend him. Another things is that so many writers give her a spine after she and Naruto start dating and that bothers me. Why should Hinata start speaking against those who ostracize Naruto only after she starts dating him? If she really cared about him it wouldn't matter if he was hers or not.

3. She has all the resources Naruto never had and she is still so weak. Sakura was considered to be the strongest girl in their academy year. Ino came in second after her. This means Hinata was weaker than Sakura, who's only claim to fame was her ability to memorize information and good chakra control, and Ino, who really had nothing going for her. Come on! 1) She's part of the Hyuuga clan, which, judging by the Uchiha clan before Itachi got through with them, has to have hundreds of people. That is a large family, more than orphan Naruto has. 2) She's part of the Main Branch. She is practically royalty in the village. The only ones who come close to her social standing are Tsunade and Sasuke, both who are physically strong. 3) She has an immediate family. Even if you ignore the clan thing, which is hard to do, Hinata has a father and younger sister. Naruto has no one and look at what he accomplishes. What the fuck is her excuse? As a clan member, who is part of the main branch and destined heir, there must be a lot of people willing to train her, a lot of scrolls she could have studied from, and all kinds of shit she could have done to get a leg up on the competition and yet she lost to Sakura, a girl from a clanless civilian family. Her father was stern and cold and Neji hated her, I get that, but neither was in her academy class. If she excelled there, her father would have lightened up and though Neji would have hated her, he wouldn't think of her as a failure.

4. She's a coward. She barely speaks to Naruto the whole time she's known him, but when she's dying she tells him she loves him. If she had any courage whatsoever she would have asked Naruto out when he returned from his trip.

3. Sex Change Characters: I don't know if its because 1) I'm a woman and almost all of the characters are guys who become female, 2) I know people who have undergone the sex change procedure, or 3) Because I have a close friend who is considering going through the procedure, but when writers change the sex of the character it bothers me, at least most of the time. I mean really what's the point of giving Naruto a vagina, having him be the same exact person down to the orange jumpsuit and then putting him in a relationship with Sasuke, who is still a jerk who calls him a dobe?

I say "most of the time" because I have read at least two fics where the sex change wasn't gratuitous. There was a reason why the character, Naruto in this case wasn't a boy. It wasn't because the writer wanted to pair Naruto up with Itachi and didn't want to write a gay story. Honestly, if you change your hero/heroine's sex in order to pair them with someone of the (originally) same sex, you should rethink either your couple or your plot. With the number of people populating the Naruto universe there is no need to change one person's sex. It's not like there is one girl and fifty boys in the series. Pick someone else!

4. Harem Fics: I have no problem with harems as a concept. It would be hypocritical of me if I did. I'm the granddaughter of a man who until he died had four wives. My grandmother is wife number four and my mother is one of twenty four kids. I know what a large, polygamous family is like. My culture allows it and if you've got enough money, promotes it. That being said, my problem with harem fics is how unrealistic a large number of them are. I'm part of a community where a man having multiple wives is fairly normal, even in this day and age, and yet I have no intention of being anything but my husband's one and only wife. Why? Because being anything else sucks! Plain and simple. My mom and grandmother have told me horror stories of what things were like growing up in their household and it wasn't pretty. My grandfather was a kind man who tried his hardest to treat his wives equally well and there were still problems that to this day effect the family. If you're going to write such a fic make it realistic. That is not to say that co-wives or husbands can't get along, but there is going to be some conflict. Don't sweep it under the rug and pretend that every female/male wants the hero/heroine and is totally willing to share and has no concerns. This is not to say that you can't have a happy polyamorous family. You can, its just the additional people will add more issues.

5. Unrealistic Characters and Relationships: Canon Naruto sucks. The characters don't make any sense, the plot is formulaic and juvenile. So you want to change things. Go ahead! Readers will love you for it if you do it well. Don't claim your Sarutobi is smart and militaristic and then have him listen to a council that includes fucking civilians. That's bullshit!

On the romance side: In order to put two characters together a writer might have to make one or both a little OOC. That's fine with me. Hell, even a lot OOC is fine. The canon characters aren't really realistic so adding more depth or altering their attitudes seems like a good thing to me. However, that means any attitude changes should follow through the whole story. If Sakura is Naruto's friend or lover, she should not be hitting him every time he says something she doesn't want to hear. That's a fucking abusive relationship, not a romantic one. Why is it that authors who claim to be writing romance have scenes where Naruto is called stupid or dead-last repeatedly by his lover. Dobe is not a pet name. That's like a guy calling me bitch as a pet name because I'm assertive. WTF? That would never fly in real life. Why should it it fiction?

6. Harry/Ginny and to a lesser extent Harry/Hermione: Oedipus complex. Enough said.

I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going

to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of

the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up,

I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC. " Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and

break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear,

in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something

to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth

and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt

on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA"You'll sit there until all that

spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if

a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told

you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this

world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like

your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY. " There are millions of less

fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16 My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get

home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when

you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing

your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I

know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your

toes, don't come running to me. "

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your

vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do

you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll

understand."

And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll

have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you".

You're a 90's kid if You remember watching -Doug -Ren Stimpy -Pinky and the Brain -AAAAAAAH Real Monsters! -Rockos modern Life. -Animaniacs Gargoyle You've ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCHE!" You just cant resist finishing this . . . "in west Philadelphia born and raised . . ." You remember -Step by Step -Family Matters -Dinosaurs -Boy Meets World You remember when it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons. You remember reading "Goosebumps" You still get the urge to say "NOT" after (almost) every sentence . . . not When everything was settled by -rock paper scissors or -bubble gum bubble gum in a dish or -ms. mary mack When kick ball was a daily activity. When we used to obey our parents You used to listen to the radio all day long just to r ecord your FAVORITE song of ALL time on a tape. You remember when Super Nintendos and Sega Genisis became popular. You remember The Original Game Boy. You always wanted to send in a tape to America's Funniest Home Videos . . . but never taped anything funny. You remember watching -The Magic School Bus -Wishbone -Reading Rainbow -and Ghostwriter on PBS You remember when Yo-Yos were cool. You remember those Where's Waldo books. You remember eating Warheads and Splashers Gum. You remember watching -the 1st Batman -Aladdin -Ninja Turtles -ghost busters You remember Ring Pops. If you remember when every thing was "da BOMB!" You remember boom boxes .vs. cd players. Making those little paper fortune things, and then predicting your life with them. You played and/or collected "Pogs" You had at least one Tamagotchi, GigaPet, or Nano and brought it everywhere. One word. . . . . . . .trolls. Windows 95 was the best. You watched the original cartoons of -Rugrats -Wild Thornberry's -Power Ra ngers -Rocket Power. All your school supplies were "Lisa Frank" brand. You collected those Beanie Babies. Carebears Lambchop's song never ended. Silver dollars, which were cool to have. Everyone watched the WB. If you even know what an original walkman is. You know the Macarena by heart. "Talk to the hand" . . . enough said You went to McDonald's to play in the playplace. You remember playing on merry go rounds at the playground. Before the MySpace frenzy . . . Before the Internet text messaging . . . Before Sidekicks iPods . . . Before PlayStation3 or X-BOX 360 . . . Before Spongebob . . . Before Tupac was shot. When light up sneakers were cool. When you rented VHS tapes, not DVDs. When gas was 0.95 a gallon. When we recorded stuff on VCRs. You had slap bracelets! You Actually played outside until it was dark! Way back. Before we realized all this would eventually disappear. Post this in your bulletin if you remember these days . . . .

i miss those days... it's no fair that they're gone

For people that hate stereotypes: If you think people should just shut up and stop, put this on your profile. (BOLD the ones you are.)

I'm SKINNY, so I MUST be anorexic

I'm a NEGRO so I MUST carry a gun.

I'm BLONDE, so I MUST be a ditz

I'm JAMAICAN so I MUST smoke weed.

I'm HAITIAN so I MUST eat cat.

I'm ASIAN, so I MUST be sexy.

I'm JEWISH, so I MUST be greedy.

I'm GAY, so I MUST have AIDS.

I'm a LESBIAN, so I MUST have a sex-tape.

I'm ARAB, so I MUST be a terrorist.

I SPEAK MY MIND, so I MUST be a bitch.

I'm a GAY RIGHTS SUPPORTER, so I WILL go to hell.

I'm a CHRISTAN, so I MUST think gay people should go to hell.

I'm RELIGIOUS, so I MUST shove my beliefs down your throat.

I'm ATHEIST so I MUST hate the world.

I don't have a RELIGION, so I MUST be evil and have no morals.

I'm REPUBLICAN, so I MUST not care about poor people.

I'm DEMOCRAT, so I MUST not believe in being responsible.

I am LIBERAL, so I MUST be gay.

I'm SOUTHERN, so I MUST be white trash.

I TAKE (or used to take) ANTI-DEPRESSANTS, so I MUST be crazy

I'm a GUY, so I MUST only want to get into your pants.

I'm IRISH, so I MUST have a bad drinking problem.

I'm INDIAN, so I MUST own a convenient store.

I'm NATIVE AMERICAN, so I MUST dance around a fire screaming like a savage.

I'm a CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be a whore.

I'm a DANCER, So I must be stupid, stuck up, and a whore.

I wear SKIRTS a lot, so I MUST be a slut.

I'm a PUNK, so I MUST do drugs.

I'm RICH, so I MUST be a conceited snob.

I WEAR BLACK, so I MUST be a goth or emo.

I'm a WHITE GIRL, so I MUST be a nagging, steal-your-money kind of girlfriend.

I'm CUBAN, so I MUST spend my spare time rolling cigars.

I'm NOT A VIRGIN, so I MUST be easy.

I FELL IN LOVE WITH A MARRIED MAN, so I MUST be a home-wrecking whore.

I'm a TEENAGE MOM, so I MUST be an irresponsible slut.

I'm POLISH, so I MUST wear my socks with my sandals.

I'm ITALIAN, so I must have a "big one".

I'm EGYPTIAN, so I must be a TERRORIST!

I'm PRETTY, so I MUST not be a virgin.

I HAVE STRAIGHT A'S, so I MUST have no social life.

I dye my hair crazy COLORS, so I MUST be looking for attention.

I DRESS IN UNUSUAL WAYS so I MUST be looking for attention.

I'm INTO THEATER ART, so I MUST be a homosexual.

I'm a VEGETARIAN, so I MUST be a crazy political activist.

I HAVE A BUNCH OF GUY FRIENDS, so I MUST be fucking them all.

I HAVE A BUNCH OF GIRLS WHO ARE FRIENDS, so I MUST be a player.

I have Big BOOBS, so I MUST be a hoe.

I'm COLOMBIAN, so I MUST be a drug dealer.

I WEAR WHAT I WANT, so I MUST be a poser.

I'm RUSSIAN, so I MUST be cool and that's how Russians roll.

I'm GERMAN, so I must be a Nazi.

I hang out with GAYS, so I must be GAY TOO.

I'm BRAZILIAN, so I MUST have a BIG BUTT.

I'm PUERTO RICAN, so I MUST look good and be conceited.

I'm SALVADORIAN, so I MUST be in MS 13.

I'm POLISH, so I MUST be greedy.

I'm HAWAIIAN so I MUST be lazy.

I'm PERUVIAN, so I MUST like llamas.

Im a STONER so I MUST be going in the wrong direction.

Im STRAIGHT EDGE so I must be violent.

I'm a FEMALE GAMER, so I MUST be ugly.

I'm BLACK so I MUST love fried chicken and kool-aid.

I'm a GIRL who actually EATS LUNCH, so I MUST be fat.

I'm SINGLE so I MUST be ugly.

I'm a SKATER so I must do weed and steal stuff

I'm a PUNK so I must only wear black and date only other punks

I'm ASIAN so I must be a NERD that does HOMEWORK 24/7

I'm CHRISTIAN so I MUST hate homosexuals.

I'm MIXED so I must be screwed up.

I'm MUSLIM so I MUST be a terrorist.

I'm in BAND, so I MUST be a dork.

I'm BLACK so I MUST believe JESUS WUZ A BROTHA

I'm MORMON so I MUST be perfect

I'm WHITE and have black friends so I MUST think I'm black

I'm GOTH so I MUST worship the devil.

I'm HISPANIC, so I MUST be dirty.

I'm NOT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, so I MUST be a loser.

I'm OVERWEIGHT, so I MUST have a problem with self control.

I'm PREPPY, so I MUST shun those who don't wear Abercrombie Hollister.

I'm on a DANCE team, so I must be stupid, stuck up, and a whore.

I'm YOUNG, so I MUST be naive.

I'm MEXICAN, so I MUST have hopped the border.

I GOT A CAR FOR MY BIRTHDAY, so I MUST be a spoiled brat.

I'm BLACK, so I MUST love watermelon

I'm BI, so I MUST think every person I see is hot.

I'm an ASIAN GUY, so I MUST have a small penis.

I'm a GUY CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be gay.

I'm a PREP, so I MUST be rich.

I don't like the SUN so I MUST be an albino.

I have a lot of FRIENDS, so I MUST love to drink and party.

I wear tight PANTS and I'm a guy, so I MUST be emo.

I couldn't hurt a FLY, So I MUST be a pussy.

I support GAY RIGHTS, so I MUST fit in with everyone.

I hang out with teenage drinkers and smokers, so I MUST smoke and drink too.

I have ARTISTIC TALENT, so I MUST think little of those who don't.

I don't like to be in a BIG GROUP, so I MUST be anti-social.

I have a DIFFERENT sense of HUMOR, so I MUST be crazy.

I tell people OFF, so I MUST be an over controlling bitch.

My hair gets GREASY a lot, so I MUST have no hygiene skills.

I'm DEFENSIVE, so I MUST be over controlling and a bitch.

I'm a NUDIST, so I MUST want everyone to see my boobs.

I read Comics, so I MUST be a loser.

I hang out with a FORMER PROSTITUTE so I MUST be a whore myself.

I'm TEXAN so I MUST ride a horse

I’m a CROSSDRESSER, so I must be homosexual.

I draw ANIME so I MUST be a freak.

I am a FANGIRL so I MUST be a crazy, obsessed stalker.

I'm an ONLY CHILD so I MUST be spoiled.

I'm INTELLIGENT so I MUST be weak

I am AMERICAN so I MUST be obese, loud-mouthed and arrogant.

I'm WELSH so I MUST love sheep

I'm SCOTTISH so I MUST have ginger hair and wear a skirts (It's actually called a kilt)

I’m a YOUNG WRITER, so I MUST be emo.

I’m CANADIAN, so I MUST talk with a funny accent.

I'm a GUY, so I MUST ditch my pregnant girlfriend.

I'm CANADIAN, so I MUST love hockey and beavers.

I'm DISABLED, so I MUST be on Welfare.

I'm a FEMINIST, so I MUST have a problem with sexuality and I want to castrate every man on the earth.

I'm a TEENAGER, so I MUST have a STEREOTYPE.

I WEAR A BIG SUNHAT when I go outside, so I MUST be stupid.

I'm an ALBINO, so I MUST be an evil person with mental abilities and is A MURDERER!

I'm ENGLISH, so I MUST speak with either a cockney or a posh accent, love tea and cricket, and have bad teeth.

I’m WHITE, so I MUST be responsible for everything going wrong on the planet: past, present, and future.

I don't like YAOI or YURI, so I must be a HOMOPHOBE

I’m not the most POPULAR person in school, so I MUST be a loser

I care about the ENVIRONMENT...I MUST be a tree hugging hippy

I have a FAN CHARACTER, so I MUST be an annoying Mary-sue.

I CHAT, so I MUST be having cyber sex.

I'm CONSERVATIVE, so I MUST be against Abortion

I'm SWEDISH so I MUST be a tall blond blue-eyed lesbian.

I'm a LESBIAN so I MUST want to get with every single girl that I see.

I like CARTOONS, so I MUST be IRRESPONSIBLE.

I like READING, so I MUST be a LONER.

I have my OWN spiritual ideology; therefore I MUST be WRONG or MISGUIDED.

I am WICCAN, so I MUST be a SATANIST.

I DISAGREE with my government, so I MUST be a TERRORIST.

I am a WITCH, so I MUST be and OLD HAG and fly on a broomstick.

I love YAOI, so I MUST be GAY.

I'm a PERSON, so I MUST be LABELED

I DON'T CURSE, so I MUST be an outcast

I like GAMES, ANIME and COMICS, so I MUST be childish

I'm SWEDISH, therefore I MUST be WHITE.

I SPOT GRAMMATICAL ERRORS, so I MUST be a pedantic bastard.

I'm GOTHIC, so I MUST be mean.

I’m STRONG so I MUST be stupid.

I'm Australian so I MUST hunt crocodiles and talk to kangaroo’s

I go to RENFAIRES, so I MUST talk weird, be a loser, and not be up with the times

I’m GAY so I’m after EVERY straight guy around.

I don’t want a BOYFRIEND so I MUST be Lesbian.

I'm NOT CHRISTIAN so I MUST just need converting.

I love marching band, so I MUST be a friendless freak.

I DRINK and SMOKE, so I MUST have no life.

I am friends with a CUTTER, so I MUST be a CUTTER too.

I cry easily, so I MUST be a wimp.

I can't help pointing out mistakes so I MUST be an over-controlling perfectionist

I'm a PERFECTIONIST so I MUST check everything ten times, then burst into tears at one mistake

I DON’T LIKE to talk about my personal life so I MUST be having problems

I'm a GIRL, so I MUST not be able to defend myself.

I sometimes say random, off-topic things, so I MUST not be paying attention.

I'm a GUY, so I must be a sex machine.

The Situation in Hell

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I go out with you", and take into account the fact that I went out with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct . . . leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A."The Top 100 Things I'd Do

If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.

10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.

20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.

40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.

44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.

47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.

51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.

54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.

58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.

61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.

62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.

63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.

65. If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.

67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.

68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.

69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.

70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.

73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.

74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.

75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.

78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."

79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.

80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.

81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.

83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.

84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.

85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."

86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.

87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.

89. After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.

90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.

91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.

94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.

98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.

100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

This Evil Overlord List is Copyright 1996-1997 by Peter Anspach. If you enjoy it, feel free to pass it along or post it anywhere, provided that (1) it is not altered in any way, and (2) this copyright notice is attached.

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