25 Things My Mother Taught Me
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3 . My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful
parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don 't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
Why Pick up Lines Never Work
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together
Woman: Really? I'd put f and u together.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
STUPID = Smart Talented Unique Person In Demand
We are not retreating...we are advancing in another direction.
I used up all my sick days so i called in dead.
Mommy... Johnny brought a gun to school,
He told his friends that it was cool.
And when he pulled the trigger back,
It shot with a great crack.
Mommy, I was a good girl,
I did what I was told.
I went to school, I even got straight A's,
I even got the gold!
But mommy, when I went to school that day,
I never said 'good-bye'.
I'm sorry mommy, I had to go,
But mommy, please don't cry.
When Johnny shot the gun, he hit another
And all because Johnny, got the gun from his older brother.
Mommy, please tell daddy that I love him very much
And please tell my boyfriend Trevor that it wasn't just a crush
And tell my little sister, that she is the only one now,
And tell my dear, sweet grandmother; I'll be waiting for her now
And tell my friends they were wonderful,
That they always were the best,
Mommy, I'm not the first, I'm no better than the rest.
Mommy, tell my teachers; I won't show up for class,
And never to forget this, and please don't let this pass.
Mommy, why'd it have to be me?
No one deserves this.
Mommy, warn the others, mommy I left without a kiss,
And mommy, tell the doctors, I know they really did try
I think I even saw a doctor, trying not to cry.
Mommy, I'm slowly dying, with a bullet in my chest
But mommy, please remember, I'm in heaven with the rest.
Mommy, I ran as fast as I could, when I heard that crack
Mommy, listen to me if you would, I wanted to go to college.
I wanted to try things that were new,
I guess I'm not going with daddy, on that trip to the zoo.
I wanted to get married, I wanted to have a kid
I wanted to be an actress, mommy, I wanted to live.
But mommy, I must go now, the time is getting late
Mommy, tell my Trevor, I'm sorry I had to cancel the date
I love you mommy, I always have
I know, you know it's true,
And mommy, all I wanted to say, is, 'Mommy, I love you'.
I went to a birthday party,
And remembered what you said.
You told me not to drink at all,
So I had a Sprite instead.
I felt proud of myself,
The way you said I would,
That I didn't choose to drink and drive,
Though some friends said I should.
I knew I made a healthy choice and,
Your advice to me was right,
As the party finally ended,
And the kids drove out of sight.
I got into my own car,
Sure to get home in one piece,
Never knowing what was coming,
Something I expected least.
Now I'm lying on the pavement,
And I hear the policeman say,
"The kid that caused this wreck was drunk."
His voice seems far away.
My own blood is all around me,
As I try hard not to cry.
I can hear the paramedic say,
"This girl is going to die."
I'm sure the guy had no idea,
While he was flying high,
Because he chose to drink and drive,
That I would have to die.
So why do people do it,
Knowing that it ruins lives?
But now the pain is cutting me,
Like a hundred stabbing knives
Tell sister not to be afraid, Mom
Tell daddy to be brave,
And when I go to heaven,
Put "Daddy's Girl" on my grave.
Someone should have taught him,
That it's wrong to drink and drive.
Maybe if his mom and dad had,
I'd still be alive.
My breath is getting shorter,
I'm getting really scared.
These are my final moments,
And I'm so unprepared.
I wish that you could hold me Mom,
As I lie here and die.
I wish that I could say,
I love you and good-bye.
((Meaning of Each Letter in Your Name))
B: Loves people
C: A good kisser
D: Makes people laugh
E: Has gorgeous eyes
F: People wild and crazy adore you
G: Very outgoing
H: Easy to fall in love with
I: Loves to smile and laugh
J: Really sweet
K: Really silly
L: Smile to die for
M: Makes dating fun
N: Can kick the shit out of you
O: Has one of the best personalities ever
P: Popular with all types of people
Q: A hypocrite
R: Good boyfriend/girlfriend
T: A very good kisser
U: Is very sexual
V: Not judgemental
W: Very broad minded
X: Never let people tell you what to do
Y: Is loved by everyone
Z: Can be funny and dumb at times
If you ever forgotten what you were talking about in a conversation copy and paste this into your profile.If you've ever copied and pasted
something onto your profile, copy and paste this onto your profile
If you know someone who should get run over by a bus, copy this into your profile
If you have your own little world, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you've ever talked to yourself, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you and your friend break out into song in a public area put this on your profile
If you wish you could go to a Vampire Academy like Rose and Lissa and meet a guy like Dimitri, put this on your profile.
If you cried like a baby through the last chapters of Shadow Kiss because you thought Dimitri was dead, post this on your profile.
If you cried though out Blood Promise when Rose thinks back to the old Dimitri, copy and past this to your profile.
If you want to cuss Spirit Bound out cause of the ending cope and past this to your profile.
If there are times when you just wanna annoy people for the hell of it then copy this into your profile.
If you have ever run into a door, copy this into your profile
If you have ever tripped over your own feet, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you've ever had a mad laughing fit for no reason, copy and paste this into your profile
If you have ever pushed on a door that said pull or pulled the handle on a door that said push, copy this in your profile.
If you have ever dreamed or imagined being a vampire or a werewolf, put this in your profile.
If you have ever zoned out for more than 5 consecutive minutes, copy this into your profile.
If you have ever zoned out for more than 5 consecutive minutes from thinking about Vampire Academy, copy this into your profile.
98 percent of the teenage population does or has tried smoking pot. If you're one of the 2 percent who hasn't, copy and paste this in your profile
╔╗╔═╦╗ Put this on your page
║╚╣║║╚╗ if you love to laugh!
────( )( )( )────( )( )( )- _ ɪƒ ƴσυ'ʀє αʟσηє,
──(█████ )───( █████) ɪ'ʟʟ ɓє ƴσυʀ ѕɧα∂σѡ.
─( ████████) (████████ ) ɪƒ ƴσυ ѡαηт тσ cʀƴ,
─( ██████████████████ ) ɪ'ʟʟ ɓє ƴσυʀ ѕɧσυʟ∂єʀ.
──( ████████████████ ) ɪƒ ƴσυ ѡαηт α ɧυɢ,
────( ████████████ ) _ ɪ'ʟʟ ɓє ƴσυʀ ρɪʟʟσѡ.
──────( ████████ ) ɪƒ ƴσυ ηєє∂ тσ ɓє ɧαρρƴ,
────────( )████ ) _ ɪ'ʟʟ ɓє ƴσυʀ ѕɱɪʟє.
─────────( ██ ) ɓυт αηƴтɪɱє ƴσυ ηєє∂ α ƒʀɪєη∂,
────────── ( ) _ ɪ'ʟʟ ʝυѕт ɓє ɱє.
FRIENDS: Will comfort you when he rejects you.
BEST FRIENDS: Will go up and ask him, "It's because you're gay, isn't it?"
FRIENDS: Will be there for you when he breaks up with you.
BEST FRIENDS: Will call him up and whisper, "Seven days..."
FRIENDS: Helps you up when you fall.
BEST FRIENDS: Keeps on walking saying, "Walk much, dumb ass?"
FRIENDS: Helps you find your prince.
BEST FRIENDS: Kidnaps him and brings him to you.
FRIENDS: Will ask you if you're okay when you're crying.
BEST FRIENDS: Already have the shovel to bury the body of the person that made you cry.
FRIENDS: Will pass you a soda.
BEST FRIENDS: Will dump theirs on you.
FRIENDS: Will help me learn to drive.
BEST FRIENDS: Will help me roll the car into the lake so I can collect insurance.
FRIENDS: Gives you their umbrella in the rain.
BEST FRIENDS: Takes yours and runs.
FRIENDS: Will help you move.
BEST FRIENDS: Will help you move the bodies.
FRIENDS: Will hide you from the cops.
BEST FRIENDS: Are probably the reason they’re after you in the first place.
FRIENDS: Will bail you out of jail.
BEST FRIENDS: Would be in the cell with you saying, "That was awesome! Let's do it again!"
FRIENDS: Never ask for anything to eat or drink.
BEST FRIENDS: Are the reason you have no food (That sooooo reminds me of me and my best friend :) It's not my fault her food is so damn yum hahaha)
FRIENDS: Will help me find your way when I'm lost.
BEST FRIENDS: Will be the one messing with your compass, stealing your map and giving you bad directions.
FRIENDS: Asks you to write down your number.
BEST FRIENDS: Has you on speed dial.
FRIENDS: Would ask food something
BEST FRIENDS: Would snatch it off you without permission
FRIENDS: Borrows your stuff for a few days then gives it back.
BEST FRIENDS: Loses your stuff and tells you, "My bad...here's a tissue."
FRIENDS: Only know a few things about you.
BEST FRIENDS: Could write a very embarrassing biography on your life story...
FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door.
BEST FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'M HOME
FRIENDS: You have to tell them not to tell anyone.
BEST FRIENDS: Already know not to tell.
FRIENDS: Are only through high school/college.
BEST FRIENDS: Are for life.
FRIENDS: Will be there to take your drink away from you when they think you've had enough.
BEST FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place & say, "Girl drink the rest of that! You know we don't waste!"
FRIENDS: Would read and ignore this.
BEST FRIENDS: Will re-post this shit!
The doll, the picture and the white roses
I was walking around in a Target store, when I saw a Cashier hand this little boy some money back."The boy couldn't have been more than 5 or 6 years old. The Cashier said, "I'm sorry, but you don't have enough money to buy this doll."
Then the little boy turned to the old woman next to him: ''Granny, are you sure I don't have enough money?''
The old lady replied: ''You know that you don't have enough money to buy this doll, my dear.''
Then she asked him to stay there for just 5 minutes while she went to look a round. She left quickly. The little boy was still holding the doll in his hand. Finally, I walked toward him and I asked him who he wished to give this doll to.
"It's the doll that my sister loved most and wanted so much for Christmas.
She was sure that Santa Claus would bring it to her."
I replied to him that maybe Santa Claus would bring it to her after all, and not to worry.
But he replied to me sadly. "No, Santa Claus can't bring it to her where she is now. I have to give the doll to my mommy so that she can give it to my sister when she goes there."
His eyes were so sad while saying this. "My Sister has gone to be with God. Daddy says that Mommy is going to see God very soon too, so I thought that she could take the doll with her to give it to my sister.''
My heart nearly stopped.
The little boy looked up at me and said: "I told daddy to tell mommy not to go yet. I need her to wait until I come back from the mall."
Then he showed me a very nice photo of him where he was laughing. He then told me "I want mommy to take my picture with her so she won't forget me."
"I love my mommy and I wish she doesn't have to leave me, but daddy says that she has to go to be with my little sister."
Then he looked again at the doll with sad eyes, very quietly.
I quickly reached for my wallet and said to the boy. "Suppose we check again, just in case you do have enough money for the doll?''
"OK" he said, "I hope I do have enough." I added some of my money to his with out him seeing and we started to count it. There was enough for the doll and even some spare money.
The little boy said: "Thank you God for giving me enough money!"
Then he looked at me and added, "I asked last night before I went to sleep for God to make sure I had enough money to buy this doll, so that mommy could give It to my sister. He heard me!''
"I also wanted to have enough money to buy a white rose for my mommy, but I didn't dare to ask God for too much. But He gave me enough to buy the doll and a white rose.''
"My mommy loves white roses."
A few minutes later, the old lady returned and I left with my basket. I finished my shopping in a totally different state from when I started. I couldn't get the little boy out of my mind.
Then I remembered a local news paper article two days ago, which mentioned a drunk man in a truck, who hit a car occupied by a young woman and a little girl.
The little girl died right away, and the mother was left in a critical state. The family had to decide whether to pull the plug on the life-sustaining machine, because the young woman would not be able to recover from the coma.
Was this the family of the little boy?
Two days after this encounter with the little boy, I read in the news paper that the young woman had passed away.
I couldn't stop myself as I bought a bunch of white roses and I went to the funeral home where the body of the young woman was exposed for people to see and make last wishes before her burial.
She was there, in her coffin, holding a beautiful white rose in her hand with the photo of the little boy and the doll placed over her chest.
I left the place, teary-eyed, feeling that my life had been changed for ever.. The love that the little boy had for his mother and his sister is still, to this day, hard to imagine.
And in a fraction of a second, a drunk driver had taken all this away from him.
Now you have 2 choices:
1) Re-post this message, or
2) Ignore it as if it never touched your heart
A teenage girl about 17 named Diane had gone to visit some friends one evening and time passed quickly as each shared their various experiences of the past year. She ended up staying longer than planned, and had to walk home alone. She wasn't afraid because it was a small town and she lived only a few blocks away.
As she walked along under the tall elm trees, Diane asked God to keep her safe from harm and danger. When she reached the alley, which was a short cut to her house, she decided to take it. However, halfway down the alley she noticed a man standing at the end as though he were waiting for her. She became uneasy and began to pray, asking for God's protection. Instantly a comforting feeling of quietness and security wrapped round her, she felt as though someone was walking with her. When she reached the end of the alley, she walked right past the man and arrived home safely.
The following day, she read in the newspaper that a young girl had been raped in the same alley just twenty minutes after she had been there. Feeling overwhelmed by this tragedy and the fact that it could have been her, she began to weep. Thanking the Lord for her safety and to help this young woman, she decided to go to the police station. She felt she could recognize the man, so she told them her story. The police asked her if she would be willing to look at a lineup to see if she could identify him. She agreed and immediately pointed out the man she had seen in the alley the night before. When the man was told he had been identified, he immediately broke down and confessed. The officer thanked Diane for her bravery and asked if there was anything they could do for her. She asked if they would ask the man one question. Diane was curious as to why he had not attacked her. When the policeman asked him, he answered, "Because she wasn't alone. She had two tall men walking on either side of her." Amazingly, whether you believe or not, you're never alone. Did you know that 98 of teenagers will not stand up for God, and 93 of the people that read this won't repost it?
Repost this if you truly believe in God.
I used to CUT so I'm EMO
I'm EMO, so I MUST cut my wrists.
I WEAR BLACK, so I MUST be a goth or emo
HAVE STRAIGHT A'S, so I MUST have no social life.
I hang out with GAYS, so i must be GAY TOO
I'm HISPANIC, so I MUST be dirty
I'm MEXICAN, so I MUST have hopped the border.
I'm GOTH so I MUST worship the devil.
I'm DEFENSIVE, so I MUST be over controlling and a bitch
I'm INTELLIGENT so I MUST be weak
I’m a YOUNG WRITER, so I MUST be emo.
I am AMERICAN so I MUST be obese, loud-mouthed and arrogant.
I like READING, so I MUST be a LONER
I am friends with a CUTTER, so I MUST be a CUTTER too.
92 percent of american teens would die if Abercombie and Fitch told them it was uncool to breathe. Copy this to your profile if you are one of the six percent who laughed their heads off when they heard this (me),
If you think those kids should just give the Rabbit his cereal put this in your profile!
If you have broke out in tears for no reason, and then laughed while still crying copy and paste this onto your profile!
If you have ever run into a door, copy this into your profile.
If you have ever had a mad laughing fit for absolutely no reason, copy and paste this into your profile
IF YOU HAVE SPELLED YOUR NAME WRONG PASTE THIS IN YOUR PROFILE
If you have ever felt the undeniable urge to slam your head into something, weather it is another person or not copy this into your profile
If you've ever spaced out and forgotten where you were going, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you've ever copied and pasted something onto your profile, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you are obsessed with fan-fiction copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever pushed on a door that said pull or vise versa copy and paste this into your profile.
If you've been on the computer for hours on end, reading numerous fan-fictions, copy and paste this onto your profile
If you like filling your profile with 'copy this into your profile' thingys, then copy and paste this into your profile
Most people would be offended if someone asked them what was wrong with their mind. Copy this into your profile if you would be one of the few people that would answer, "Where to begin?"
If you have ever wondered why the heck Canadians and Americans have to spell 'colour' differently, and use different units of measurement, copy this to your profile.
If you've ever wished you could go into a book and strangle some of the characters for being so incredibly dumb, copy and paste this into your profile.
93 percent of American teens would have a severe emotional breakdown if someone called them a freak. If you're a part of the 7 percent who would ask the person, "What was your first clue?"
If you're hyper, like being hyper, and are hyper all the time, copy this into your profile
If you love black, but are no goth, copy this on your Profile
If you have a true friend, copy and paste this into your profile
Tigers are pretty. People call me crazy, but I'm just random! If you're random and proud of it, copy and paste this in your profile!
If you've ever asked a really stupid, obvious question, copy and paste this onto your profile.
I like cheese. I have seen purple cows. If two gooses are geese, then why aren't two moose meese, or when two foots are feet, why aren't two footballs feetball? Milk tastes good. People call me crazy, which I am, but I'm also random! If you're random and proud of it, copy and paste this in your profile!
If you have ever just wanted to SLAP someone, copy this onto your profile
If you have ever yelled at the book you were reading because the characters did something stupid post this on your profile.
You know you live in 2010 when...
1.) You accidentaly enter your password on a microwave.
2.) You haven't played solitare with real cards for years
3.) The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is they dont have a screenname or my space
4.) You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the buttons on the TV
6.) Your boss doesn't even have the ability to do your job.
7.) As you read this list you keep nodding and smiling.
8.) As you read this list you think about sending it to all your friends.
9.) and you were too busy to notice number 5.
10.) You scrolled back up to see if there was a number 5.
11.) Now you are laughing at yourself stupidly.
12.) Put this in your profile if you fell for that, and you know you did.
Whenever you're on a train, bus, plane, car or any other moving vehicle randomly wave to people and have a contest to see how many waves you get back.
If you love rain, copy and past this on your profile
If you hate those obnoxious snobby people PLEASE copy and paste this to your profile
- An apple a day keeps the doctor away but if the doctor is cute forget the fruit
- Guys are like port-a-potties, all the good ones are taken and all the bad ones are full of crap
- Every day is a gift thats why they call it the present
- Quick pick a color from 1-10
- Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks
- There's a light at the end of every tunnel, just pray it isn't a train
- Most people learn by observation and then there are a few who learn by experimentation and then there are those who actually touch the fire to see if it's really hot
- Anyone who says as easy as taking candy from a baby have never tried it
- Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity
- Those who say nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door
- Don't knock on deaths door ring the doorbell and run away...he hates that
- Tragedy is when I cut my finger comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die
- Curiosity killed the cat but for a while I was the suspect. . . . . .
- Don't mock the weather if it didn't change once in a while 9 out of 10 people wouldn't be able to start a conversation
- What a splendid head but no brain
- Roses are red, Violets are blue but who the heck cares crayons are too
- The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese
- There are 2 types of pedestrians the quick and the dead
- How many roads must a man walk before he admits he's lost
- If you don't like the way I drive stay off the sidewalk
- The average woman wants beauty not brains because the average man can see better than he can think
- Silence is golden but shouting is fun
- When life gives you lemons make lemonade and throw it in the face of the guy who gave you the lemons when you asked for oranges
- When life gives you lemons make grape juice and let the whole world wonder how you did it
- When life gives you lemons ask for a refund
You laugh because I'm different I laugh because your stupid XD
- No trespassers. . . . . Violaters will be shot. . . . . Survivors will be shot again. . . . .
- Some days your the pigeon and some days you're the statue
- We had gay burgalurs the other night, they broke in and rearranged the furniture
- My computer once beat me in chess. . . . .but it was no match for me in kick-boxing
- Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once
- I'm an angel but devil horns hold up my halo
- When everything is coming your way you're in the wrong lane
- I couldn't repair your brakes so I made your horn louder -_-
- Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well yes or no?
- Everyone has a photographic memory some just don't have film
- Evening news is where they begin with "Good Evening" and then proceed to tell you why it isn't
- Where there's a will there are 500 relatives
- Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and think to myself what the heck happened to the ceiling???
- Mothers of teens understand why some animals eat their young.
- Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them more.
- Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
- Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?