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Heartrending Serendipity PM
Joined Jul '10

Hello, all.

I'm a fanfiction reader that has so far been moping about this site, complaining why fanfiction isn't how I would like it to be. I write my own stories, but never publish them . I think that calls for a change, does it not?

More info about my writing coming soon.

Scroll down for the funny bits of my profile.

Copy and paste if you're still waiting for your Hogwarts letter to arrive, the owl just just got lost.

(\ _/) This is Bunny.

(O.o ) Copy Bunny into your profile to help him on his way to world domination

If you've ever threatened to exterminate your younger siblings, Copy/paste this on your profile, then grab the weapon of your choice and follow me.

Six truths in life

1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time: a physical impossibility

2. All idiots, after reading this will try it

3. And discover that it's a lie

4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot.

5. You will soon post this on your profile for another idiot to see.

6. There is still a stupid smile on your face.

I sincerely apologize about this but I am an idiot and i needed company =)

If you count as an idiot, post this onto your profile!

This is this cat

This is is cat

This is how cat

This is to cat

This is keep cat

This is a cat

This is retard cat

This is busy cat

This is for cat

This is forty cat

This is seconds cat

. . . Now go read the third word in each line;)

If you've ever yelled at an inanimate object for not listening to you, copy and paste this into your profile.

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. When caught sleeping at school/work/wherever you are not supposed to be sleeping, and you are woken up, shout, "AMEN!"

5.Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write For Unicorns

7.Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy'.

9. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11.Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

18. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner,'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

20 And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity .

The List Of Things I Am NOT Allowed To Do At Hogwarts

No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not "an extra credit project for Herbology"."I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.I will not use Umbridge's quill to write "I told you I was hardcore".If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defense Against Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.I will not refer to the Weasley twins as "bookends".I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.I am not a sloth Animagus.I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or pirahna.Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.I will not lick is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.Professor Flitwick's first name in not is generally accepted that Cats and Dragons cannot interbreed and I should not attempt to disprove this theory, no matter how wicked the result would be.Crucifixes do not ward off Slytherins, and I should not test that.I will not greet Professor McGonagall with "What's new, pussycat?"My headmaster's name is Albus Dumbledore, not "Gandalf."First-years should not be encouraged to befriend the Whomping Willow.When applying for a post at the Ministry of Magic after graduation, I should not cite "Fred and George Weasley" as my greatest influence at Hogwarts.-Putting down "Lord Voldemort" is probably not best either.I will not refer to the Accio charm as "The Force".I will no longer wear a hood, walk up to Harry, and claim to be his real father in a raspy voice.I will not send Professor Snape toothpaste and Shampoo for Christmas.I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I prophesied her death.I will also not tell Professor Trelawney that I had a vision of her killing the Dark Lord.I will not refer to Professor McGonagall as Catwoman, no matter how funny she would look in tight leather.-Nor will I ask her if she is Catwoman in disguise.I am to stop asking Professor Snape to Yule Ball.Humming/singing/referring in any way to Duran Duran's "Hungry Like the Wolf" around Professor Lupin is inappropriate.Despite popular belief, Hufflepuffs are not soft and squishy. Do not treat them as such."To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice.If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.I will stop sending Professor Snape forged love notes that appear to be from Professor Lupin.I am not to sing 'We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz!' when sent to the Headmaster's office'.- I am definitely not to sing it accompanied by the house elves acting as a backing group.Asking Professor Snape if a house ever fell on his sister is wrong.-So is asking him where he keeps his flying monkeys and if I could touch them.Professor Snape's proper given name is not Princess Silvermoon Fairywing GlimmerMcSparklesRegardless of the beautiful irony, I will not hang a tempting piñata from the Whomping Willow.The song "Ding Dong, The Witch is Dead" is never, ever appropriate.-Especially in reference to Professor Umbridge.Every time I see a dementor, I will not go, "Ssssssssshire...Bagginsssss".- or "The Shire/Frodo is That Way!"Every time I see Dobby I will not say something about 'master' or 'Precioussssss'."Bibbidi Bobbidi Boo" is not a transfiguration spell.Neither is "Oo ee, oo ah ah, ting tang, walla walla bing bang"Not allowed to dress exactly like Snape and ask him to call me "mini me."I should not remark that "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" when Snape gets angry. Ever.If I become an animagus, I am not allowed to yell "MORPHIN' TIME!" every time I change.- I cannot do this whenever anyone else changes either.Adding "-us" to the end of a word does not make it a spell.-Neither does adding "izzle".

People who don't know me think I'm quiet...people who DO know me wish I was.

I intend to live forever, or die trying

Some people are only alive because it's illegal to kill them

If idiots could fly, this place would be an airport.

Letting your mind wander isn't a good idea. It might get lost.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.

I'm not suffering from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Evening news is where they tell you 'good evening' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

The only reason why I'm here is because heaven wouldn't have me and hell was afraid I'd take over.

Very few personal problems can’t be solved through the subtle application of high explosives.

If history repeats itself, I'm so getting a dinosaur.

Stupidity killed the cat, curiousity was framed.

If you're color blind, eating sweets must be a completely different experience. "Come on skittles, give me red... LEMON DAMNIT!"

Why do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then have them read about wars in school that solved America's problems?

364 days of the year, parents tell their kids not to take candy from strangers, but on Halloween, its encouraged. Does this make sense to anyone?

There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is filled

Old enough to know better, young enough to do it again.

I can resist everything except temptation.

There's nothing wrong with talking to random objects, it’s when they start to talk back that you need to worry.

You laugh now because you're older than me by mere months, but when you're 30 and I'm still 29, who will be laughing then?

I don't obsess, I think intensely.

Smile; it makes others wonder what you're up to.

Life isn't passing me by; it's trying to run me over.

Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.

I don't have a short attention sp- Ohhhh, look a kitty;

Chaos, panic, and pandemonium. My work here is done.

I ran out of sick days, so I called in dead.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

The man who smiles when things go wrong, has thought of someone to blame it on.

Violence isn't the answer, it’s the question. The answer is yes.

A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking.

The only reason that I talk to myself is because I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

There are 2 types of pedestrians, the quick and the dead.

I have the answer in my head. I just haven't found it yet.

Excuse me... have you seen my sanity... I think I lost it.

Kids are the future. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate.

Two things are infinite; the universe, and human stupidity... not so sure about the universe.

I hear voices, and they don't like you.

I didn't loose my mind, I sold it on eBay.

I took the road less traveled. Now where the hell am I?

"I'm not afraid of Death. What's he gonna do kill me?"

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?

"Come to the dark side. We have COOKIES!
Welcome to the dark side. Are you surprised that we lied about the cookies?
Come to the light side. We have ICE CREAM!
Welcome to the light side. Heh, sorry, we're out of ice cream."

Moo! I'm a fish.

I dream of a better tomorrow . . . Where chickens can cross roads and not have their motives questioned.

Shut up voices! Or I'll poke you with my Q-tip again.

I'm not as random as you think I- salad

If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, then it could be a dragon doing a duck impersonation.

I'm the kind of person who'll spend hours trying to drown a fish.

I am a bomb technician. If you see me running, try to keep up.

Bad spellers of the world, UNTIE!

I'm not crazy, my reality is just different than yours.

Procrastinators, UNITE . . . Tomorrow.

Remember: Eat your school, stay in drugs and don't do vegetables . . . Wait . . .

Give a person a fish, you feed them for a day. Give a person a computer, they'll order all their food online.

Some people are like a slinky..not really good for anything, but you can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.

When life gives you lemons, make hot chocolate. Then let everyone wonder how you did it.

People say, “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” Well, life never gave you sugar or water, so all you can make is lemon juice.

I’m not so good at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

When angry, count to ten. When very angry, swear. And when very, very angry, hit someone hard. And run before they hit back.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

They say “guns don't kill people, people kill people.” Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled, BANG, you wouldn't kill to many people.

Some say the glass is half full, others say the glass is half empty. I'm the only one smart enough to wonder where the rest of the water is.

A word to the wise isn't necessary, it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

The dinosaur's extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide.

Latte is Italian for “you paid too much for that coffee.”

Just remember – if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

God made man, and then he said, “I can do better than that,” and made woman.

Whoever said nothing is impossible, never tried to slam a revolving door.

When someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to from, but it only take 4 to extend your arm and slap the person.

You know it's going to be a bad day when you fall out of bed and miss the floor.

Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if well aimed.

I love deadlines. I like to wave at them as they pass by.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those that can't

If you can stay calm when all around you is complete chaos, you probably haven't fully understood the situation.

Don't knock on death's door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.

Flying is simple. Just throw yourself at the ground and miss.

WARNING: Do not walk in my footsteps, I tend to walk into walls, and off the occasional cliffs.

The voices in my head may not be real but they still have pretty good ideas.

You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder.

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

Sometimes I lie awake at night and I ask, “Where have I gone wrong?” then a voice says to me, “This is going to take more than one night.”

There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

What you call stupidity, I call selective understanding.

I’m not saying you’re stupid. I’m just implying it.

I’m going on a quest, to the deepest, darkest corners of my room, in search of what some would call a “floor” – a long and difficult task awaits me my friend, wish me luck, for I may not return alive.

You don't like me, well it's mind over matter. I don't mind and you don't matter.

I didn't mean to hurt you feelings, I was aiming for your face.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level and beat you with experience. Never argue with me, I’ll drag you down to my level and beat you with a bat.

There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you LOSE the argument that you need to start worrying.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.

Secret admirers are just stalkers with stationary.

Paper may beat rock, but cannon ball make big hole in paper.

This is Bob. Bob likes sharp things. I suggest you run from Bob.

I’ll try to be nicer if you try to be smarter.

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out”?

Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin?

Don’t mess with me I’ve got a stick.

I smile because I have no idea what’s going on.

Of course I’m talking to myself. Who else can I trust?

Let me know if anything I say offends you, I might wanna offend you later.

Shut up voices or I’ll poke you with a fork

Those who throw objects at crocodiles will be asked to retrieve them.

Set sail in a general that way direction.

I’m sick of following my dreams, I’m just gonna ask where they're going and hook up with them later.

Do not use an axe to kill a fly on your friends' head

I've got ADD and magic markers. Oh the fun I will have

Taste the rainbow - Eat CRAYONS!

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself: where the heck is my ceiling?

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I'm not a complete idiot - some parts are missing.

I see regular people! Run for your lives!

If you don't like my driving then stay off the sidewalk!

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I'm not always a dork- sometimes I'm asleep

I'm not insensitive, I just don't care

Sanity is a state of mind. It's near North Dakota.

I do not have a psychiatrist and I do not want one, for the simple reason that if he listened to me long enough, he might become disturbed.

Sometimes I wonder, "Why is the Frisbee getting bigger?" Then it hits me.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

If you think things can't get worse, it's probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried taking candy from a baby.

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.

The pen may be mightier, but the sword still hurts like hell


Eat right, exercise, die anyway.

That which doesn't kill you...will probably try again.

I said I had my reasons. I never said you would understand.

The person who smiles when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.

Better to stay silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.

I respect your opinion; I just think it's stupid.

Keep smiling - it makes people wonder what you're up to.

If explosives didn't solve your problems you obviously weren't using enough of them.

If at first you don't succeed...go back and reload the gun.

Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for my kick boxing.

The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory

The voices in my head tell me that you're all crazy to think that I need therapy.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like grandfather...not screaming like the passengers in his car.

When life gives you lemons, genetically alter them into SUPER LEMONS and conquer the world.

When life gives you lemons, paint them orange and tell your friend they're a new kind of super sweet orange.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 's' in it?

ever noticed that 'mother in law' rearanged, spelles 'woman hitler'?

i live in my own little world. but it's ok, they know me there

I didn't trip. I was just testing gravity... It still works.

The three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere: "Hold my purse."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

Sarcasm is my automatic response to stupidity.

Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

Dear Homework, you are unattractive; therefore, I cannot do you

Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying...
Sincerely, Google

Dear 6,
Please stop spreading rumors about me eating 9. You shouldn't be talking. I hear you guys do some pretty nasty things.
Sincerely, 7

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely, Unicorns

Dear Impossible,
Screw you. I just made a campfire underwater.

Dear America,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely, Canada

Label Instructions

On a bar of Palmolive soap: “Directions: Use like regular soap”. (Thanks, that’s real clear.)

On some frozen dinners: “Serving suggestion: Defrost”. (But that’s only a suggestion.)

On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on the bottom): “Do not turn upside down”. (Oops, too late.)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating". (No way. You’re joking. It’ll be hot?!)

On packaging for a K-Mart iron: "Do not iron clothes on body". (But it saves so much time!)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication". (We could prevent so many accidents if we could just get those sick toddlers off the dump trucks.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness". (And that couldn’t be why I’m using it.)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only". (Man! I was going to use it in space)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use". (Could someone please explain this to me?)

On Nobby's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts". (Never would have guessed that one.)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts". (Step 3: Fly Delta.)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly". (You just killed that child’s dreams.)

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals". (Was this happening a lot somewhere?)

On disappearing-ink pen for marking fabric. "The Vanishing Fabric Marker should not be used as a writing instrument for signing any legal documents." (But wouldn’t that mess with people’s heads? It would be funny!)

On a Korean kitchen knife: “Warning: keep out of children.” (Damn, and that’s the best place to keep my knives.)

On a package of pasta after the cooking instructions: "Put on fork and eat." (Thanks, I wasn’t sure if I should use a spoon.)

On artificial bacon: "Real artificial bacon bits. (Not just any fake bacon. Oh, no, we've got real fake bacon.

Hair coloring: "Do not use as an ice cream topping." (Yes, I’ll have a small vanilla in a dish with chocolate sprinkles. Oh, and throw some hair coloring on there, too.)

Boeing 757: "Fragile. Do not drop" (This means you, Hulk! No airplane juggling!)

Scoopable cat litter: "Safe to use around pets" (Phew, I was worried.)

Komatsu Floodlight: "This floodlight is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark" (Oh my god, you’re kidding. Even in the dark?)

Earplugs: "These earplugs are nontoxic, but they may interfere with breathing if caught in windpipe." (Hmm…hey, sister, come here. Eat these. Don’t worry, they’re nontoxic.)

RCA television remote control: "Not dishwasher safe." (Well how else am I supposed to clean it?)

Road sign: "Caution: water on road during rain." (Oh good, we’ve learned this. Now let’s move on to basic math.)

Comebacks to Pickup Lines

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together
Woman: Really, I'd put f and u together

"How do I stay in such good shape? Well...I have a two story house, and a very bad memory." Betty White

"On stage, you're free. You can say and do things that if you did anywhere else, you'd be arrested." Robin Williams

"Starting now, nobody swats a fucking fly!" Killers

"You are young. Life has been kind to you. You will learn..." Sweeney Todd

"True love has no happy ending...true love has no ending." Unknown.

"There is no charge for awesomeness...or attractiveness" Kung Fu Panda

I solemnly swear that I am up to no good. ;)

Put this in your profile
if you love to laugh!

99% of wizards wouldn't care if house elves continue being treated like slaves. Repost this is you would be that 1% standing up for their rights.

O = deathℓy haℓℓows

Insert Draco Malfoy rolling around here*

If you are a person who acts friendly but has an evil mind and is plotting world domination, put this on your profile.

Put this in your profile if you suffered from a mild case of depression when you turned 11 and your Hogwarts acceptance letter didn't arrive :)

A wand () is mightier than a bite (v v)!!Post this on your profile if you think Harry Potter is superior to Twilight.

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