I am 35 years old, male, live in the United States, born and raised here. As a result, I do not know how to use Japanese honorifics, such as -kun, -chan, -san, etc. Sue me, I don't speak Japanese. As a result, I will NOT use them. I don't know how to use them and I refuse to use them wrong, so yeah, easy solution, don't use them. So I won't. Beyond that, my favorite anime is Naruto. Honestly, it's the only one I even like, and so probably the only thing you'll see fanfictions about from me, at least at first. Also, NARUHINA all the way. I mean, come on, just look at my username and you'll know that. But whatever. Once I'm able to do betareading, I'll sign myself up for it. In the meantime, anyone who wants a beta can contact me either by e-mail or pm on here. I'll be either strict or lax on request, but I will fix all grammar, spelling, and other language-related problems. I'm damn good at that. Also, I will try to fix any problems related to sentence structure and/or flow. I will NOT try to change your story to my specifications, that is your choice and yours alone. All I ask in return is anyone who I may have beta for me give me the same courtesy. Anyway, hope to hear from you all, reviewing my stuff and/or asking me to beta for you. Keep it real.
Chigan Challenge: Give Naruto a certain bloodline. The bloodline is called Chigan. In a nutshell: Chigan is like Sharingan but instead of copying jutsu, it copies bloodlines. How he discovers it, what he does with it, up to you as the writer. I have very few conditions for it. 1) Keep the name Chigan. 2) Naruto MUST be good. Meaning he can't join Akatsuki and go after Konoha or anything like that. 3) If you're going to bash a character, it MUST be Sasuke. So no Sakura bashing, no Hokage bashing, etc. Pairing: I'd prefer NaruHina, and NaruSaku will disqualify you immediately. If you want to do NaruIno, be my guest, but like I said, I prefer NaruHina. If anyone wants to take me up on this, send me a message and let me know. To see my take on this story, read my story Chigan. Once I've accepted your story, you will be added to my challengers list, along with myself, since I am doing a version.
OBITUARY FOR THE LATE MR. COMMON SENSE
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been
with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth
records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing
when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't
always fair; and Maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than
you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing
regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6 year-old boy charged with sexual
harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using
mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student,
only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that
they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It
declined even further when schools were required to get Parental consent to
administer Calpol, sun lotion or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform
parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband;
churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar
in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize
that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and
was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife,
Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.
He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To
Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized
he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the
majority and do nothing.
RIP We shall remember
The Situation in Hell
The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I go out with you", and take into account the fact that I went out with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct . . . leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A."
Two dead Boys, Unknown.
Ladies and Gentlemen, skinny and stout,
I'll tell you a tale I know nothing about;
The Admission is free, so pay at the door,
Now pull up a chair and sit on the floor.
One fine day in the middle of the night,
Two dead boys got up to fight;
Back to back they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot each other.
A blind man came to watch fair play,
A mute man came to shout "Horray!"
A deaf policeman heard the noise and
Came to stop those two dead boys.
He lived on the corner in the middle of the block,
In a two-story house on a vacant lot;
A man with no legs came walking by,
and kicked the lawman in his thigh.
He crashed through a wall without making a sound,
into a dry creek bed and suddenly drowned;
The long black hearse came to cart him away,
But he ran for his life and is still gone today.
I watched from the corner of the big round table,
The only eyewitness to facts of my fable;
But if you doubt my lies are true,
Just ask the blind man, he saw it too.
It was a massacre,
Perpetrated by government thugs;
Jack-booted, no doubt!
The victims were strewn in plain sight,
Their lifelines severed by sophisticated government
Maimed…Mutilated…Dead, they were!
The eyes of blue-eyed girls were fast fading;
The fairest of the fair lie mangled
And twisted alongside dark-eyed sisters.
Passerby, many on their way to government jobs,
ignored the carnage.
Accustomed to tax-supported eradication programs,
Most offered no protest, whatsoever.
Astoundingly, there are private citizens who
participate in this mayhem.
They kill, too, with tacit government approval…
immune from prosecution.
What are they thinking?...What do they value?
We have not seen the end of this…
It will happen again, regularly…There will be more killing.
Damn…Damn…Damn the roadside mowers!
Girl: Do I ever cross your mind?
Girl: Do you like me?
Girl: Do you want me?
Girl: Would you cry if I left?
Girl: Would you die for me?
Girl: Would you do anything for me?
Girl: Choose--me or your life
Boy: My life
The girl runs away in shock and pain and the boy runs after her and says...
The reason you never cross my mind is because you're always on my mind.
The reason why I don't like you is because I love you.
The reason I don't want you is because I need you.
The reason I wouldn't cry if you left is because I would die if you left.
The reason I wouldn't die for you is because I would live for you.
The reason why I'm not willing to do anything for you is because I would do everything for you.
The reason I chose my life is because you ARE my life.