I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.
G'day people of the amazing and ridiculous human race, more specifically, the awesome people who call themselves "authors" and have the brains to back that idea with brilliant pieces of fiction.
I'm Heddy, but you can call me Heddy, if you like.
I'm an age somewhere between 14 and 16, but that will probably change soon and I'll forget to update it, so I could actually be any age and you just don't know it.
Clearly, my Avatar is supposed to be a Clone Trooper, I forget which class as I type this, but I will remember one day.
I'm not much of a writer, I attempted to write a few songs, but that ended terribly (my computer's crappy sound card probably didn't help), but I'm getting there. My fanfics, I think, are slowly getting better as I write more.
I am Australian, so don't try to correct my spelling, unless you want it shoved down your throat (or you're one of my friends, in which case I'll barbeque it lightly and serve it on a plate with some dead horse and beer).
I believe in God and am unafraid to say so, but I don't believe in shoving religion down others' throats. The only thing that should be shoved down people's throats is good manners and good music. Let everybody digest everything else at their own pace.
I'm currently working on a Rick Riordan meets Harry Potter universe now, in my story 'The Shroud is Breaking'. I have a few friends helping me with this.
My favorite books are anything by Rick Riordan, Harry Potter - JK Rowling (as if you didn't know that), Star Wars (extended universe), Ranger's Apprentice (Australian author John Flanagan. They are hilarious), The Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis, Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien, Inheritance Cycle - Christopher Paolini, Septimus Heap series - Angie Sage, and a few more that wish to not come to me at present time.
Funny, at least half of those stories are based off of the Bible... Bet you can't pick which ones.
My favourite bands (and single artists) are: Guns and Roses, Metallica (You have to like them to be in a band that is inspired by them), John Williamson, Lee Kernaghan, Adam Brand, Apologetix, the Beetles (and all involved as single artists), Cat Stevens (or Yusuf, whichever), Eric Clapton, Simon and Garfunkel, Bon Jovi, Good Charlotte.
My favorite games are Minecraft (with Feed the Beast pack), most Star Wars games, Assassin's Creed, and most Real Time Strategy games (Age of Empires, Age of Mythology, Rise of Nations, Civilization and "x" Total War, most notably).
I am a programmer, and I'm proud of it. I am also a weird nerd, and love it when people call me as such.
Also, I play a range of instruments including guitar, bass and recorder, because I am that awesome. Most guitarists these days can't read sheet music, but I can. Slowly.
I have a YouTube channel (yeah, it's the same user name as my current penname). I do game maker vids and other random computer stuff.
Now for the awesome part of everybody's profile that no one has a name for, and has little to do with the actual writer, but is just awesome.
If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates".
His mind sees things differently than most of us do. Here are some of his gems:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you've got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - So what's the speed of dark?
12 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
13 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
14 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
15 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
17 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
18 - I intend to live forever... so far, so good.
19 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
20 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
21 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
22 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
23 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
24 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
25 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
26- If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
7 Reasons Not to Mess with Children (small children)
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE . God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
Copy And Pasty Time. You know you love them
If you secretly hoped to get a letter from Hogwarts when you were 11, copy and paste this to your profile. My letter was probably just delayed…Theres alot of letters to send out they just lost mine.
If you wish you went to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, then copy and paste this into your profile and add your name to the list with your house of choice: (FiyeroTiggular93 - Slytherin), (Weirder Than You - Ravenclaw), (Summer Sweetheart - Hufflepuff, Kataang2- Gryffindor, MoonlightSpirit- Gryffindor, AngeliqueChanson-Slytherin(all the way!)) (AngeDeNocte-Ravenclaw),(Raven Darkholme-slytherin(yah baby!)) (Kichi Rin no Akatsuki - Slytherin (Slytherin Pride!)), (PadfootThe2nd (I'm a Lion for life! GRYFFINDOR!)) (Poppy Quinn-Gryffindor or Ravenclaw) (ohsnapitzJess - Slytherin) (voldyismyfather - slytherinDestinedforGreatness- Slytherin for the win!) (IwannabeAnnabeth-Ravenclaw all the way!) (The Epic Thunder Ravenclaw (only the smartest know that Z comes before A in the letter circle ;)) (Meh111 Slytherin Pride!) (RANDOMXHARRYXPOTTERXFAN- RAVENCLAW)(HarryPotterEncyclopedia24-Gryffindor or Ravenclaw) ( theriptide45- RAVENCLAW!!!) (Heddy12311 - Gryffindor or Ravenclaw)
If you enjoy books about dragons, copy this into your profile.
If you enjoy fantasy in general, copy this into your profile.
If you compare people (even random strangers) to book characters, copy and paste onto your profile
If you love Harry Potter, copy this into your profile
If you loved DH, HBP, OotP, GoF, PoA, CoS, and SS/PS, and know what all those initials stand for, copy and paste this on your account.
If you read Deathly Hallows in under a week, copy and paste this,then add your name and how long it took you to read the book, (Cannotstopwriting - 1 day),(jasmineflower27 - 3 days),(ArianaRae - 2 days), (Susly - 1 day) (Lily.and.Alice - 3 hours) (Dimcairien - 2 days) (agapplesauce- 2 or 3 days) (PyroPotter- 2 hours), (HarryPotterEncyclopedia24-5 days during schooltime, and one day during weekends) (theriptide45-2 days sitting on bed about 4 hours straight :) ) (Heddy12311 - 2x4 hour stints)
If you have ever burst out laughing about something in a book, and people look at you weird, copy and paste this on your profile.
If you have ever been so obsessed with something that now everyone is scared of you because of its effects copy this into your profile. (Yes, and I get hooked on something, reference it for weeks, and people get sick of me doing it. Did I mention that I hate pop/hipster music?)
If you are obsessed with fanfiction copy this into your profile.
If you've been on the computer for hours on end, reading numerous fan fictions, copy and paste this to your profile.
If you think that Writer's Block blows, copy and paste this to your profile.
Weird is the same as different, which is the same as unique, then weird is good. If you are weird and proud of it, copy this onto your profile!
People say that I'm weird, but I think that weird is strange, and strange is odd, and odd is different, and different is unique, and everyone is unique, so unique is normal, so therefore I am normal. If the same is true for you, copy this onto your profile!
If you've ever talked to yourself, copy and paste this to your profile.
If you have ever just wanted to SLAP someone, copy this to your profile.
If you've walked under something that was about two feet above your head and ducked anyway copy and paste this to your profile.
If you've ever copied and pasted something onto your profile, copy and paste this onto your profile.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
If you can easily convert feet to meters (etc) and back again, you are awesome.
97% of teens would cry if they saw Robert Pattison standing on top of a skyscraper, about to jump. If you're one of the 3% who would sit there eating popcorn and screaming, "DO A BACK FLIP, YOU SPARKLY IDIOT!" then copy and paste this on your profile.
If you willingly refer to yourself as a nerd, dork, loser, geek, or weirdo, copy this into your profile.
If you've ever asked a really stupid, obvious question, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you've ever asked a really stupid, obvious question then knew the answer right after you asked, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you take great pride in being strange, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you smack books when the characters are being annoying, copy and paste this onto your profile. (Some of my books look a little abused. So does one of my Bibles...)
Copy and paste this if you're still waiting for your Hogwarts letter to arrive, the owl just just got lost...
If you wish that a fictional character was real, copy and paste this to your profile.
If you've ever forgotten what you were talking about in a conversation, put it in your profile.
If you actually take the time to read other people's profiles, put this in yours.
If you like singing songs at random points in the day, copy this into your profile.
If you have ever tripped over air, copy this into your profile.
If you have ever tripped over your own feet, copy and paste this into your profile. (Funny Story. Ask me later)
If you have ever zoned out for more than five consecutive minutes, copy this into your profile.
If you've ever talked to yourself, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have your own little world, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever forgotten what you were going to say, right before you say it, copy this into your profile.
If you have ever had done something or said something that made perfect sense to your real friends and only caused your "peers" to look at you strangely and roll their eyes, copy and paste this into your profile.
If at one time you misspelled or forgot how to spell a word less than four letters, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you have ever insulted someone so stupid that they didn't get the insult, copy this into your profile.
If you are insanely weird, copy this into your profile.
If you enjoy copying and pasting these copy and paste thingies, copy and paste this onto your profile.
93 percent of American teens would have an emotional breakdown if someone called them a freak. If you're a part of the 7 percent who would ask the person, "What was your first clue?", copy this into your profile. (Well, Nationality aside, I'd still do this)
If you've ever stabbed someone with a pencil/pen, put this in your profile.
If you've ever walked into a doorway that you could've clearly dodged, you just weren't paying close enough attention, copy and paste this on your profile.
If you solemnly swear you are up to no good, copy and paste this into your profile
If you have a very wide range of interests, copy and paste this into your profile.
30 percent of kids go to college. The other 70 either drop out or don't have the proper skills to. If you're one of the 30 percent that you know you're going to go to college, copy and paste this into your profile.
Ninety-five percent of teenagers are concerned about being popular. If you are one of the five percent who aren't, copy this, put it in your profile. (No, but being regarded as a good musician would be nice. Don't really care about being a popular person that everybody wants to hang around.)
If you read people's profiles looking for things to copy and paste into your profile, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you ever read past two in the morning, copy and paste this to your profile.
I couldn't resist, these lists make me crack up.
Things I am not to do at Hogwarts
1) I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss.
2) Professor Flitwick's first name is not Yoda.
3) I will not give Hagrid Pokémon cards and convince him they're real animals.
4) I will not sing the Badger Song during Hufflepuff-Slytherin Quidditch matches.
5) When Death Eaters are attacking Hogsmeade, I shall not point at the Dark Mark and shout "To the Batmobile, Robin!"
6) Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul is simply coincidental.
7) I will not refer to the Weasley Twins as "bookends."
8) I will not scare the Arithmancy students with my Calculus book.
9) I will not hold my wand in the air before I casting spells shouting "I got the power!"
10) I am not allowed to paint the house elves blue and call them smurfs.
11) I will not slip Malfoy a Love Potion in his morning goblet of Pumpkin Juice.
12) Should I chance to see a Death Eater wearing a white mask, I should not start singing anything from The Phantom of the Opera.
13) I will not call Dumbledore "Santa Claus!" during the Christmas Holidays.
14) I will not put Muggle fairy book in the History section at the library.
15) I will not send Snape a bottle of shampoo for Christmas.
16) I am not allowed to tell Hufflepuffs there is no Santa Clause.
17) I am not allowed to refer to myself as the New Dark Lord.
18) I am not allowed to sneak into Professor Snape's private chambers to watch him sing I Will Survive in the mirror, as it is disturbing.
19) I am not allowed to steal Professor Flitwicks wand, hold it over my head and laugh as he tries to reach it.
20)I will not replace Madam Pomfrey's Skele-Gro with pumpkin juice.
21) I will not replace Professor Snape's pumpkin juice with Skele-Gro.
22) I will not impersonate the Swedish Chef in Potions class.
23) The next time that I see Rita Skeeter, I am not to threaten her with a can of Raid.
24.) I will not subvert the lock on the fourth-floor girls' bathroom and sell its location to first-years as "The Chamber of Secrets".
25) When applying for a post at the Ministry of Magic after graduation, I should not cite "Fred and George Weasley" as my greatest influence at Hogwarts.
26) Putting down "Lord Voldemort" is probably not best either.
27) A Muggle "vacuum cleaner" is not acceptable Quidditch equipment, even if it has been enchanted to fly.
28) Hogsmeade village is not "a wretched hive of scum and villainy. “
29) I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I prophesied her death.
30) I will also not tell Professor Trelawney that I had a vision of her killing the Dark Lord.
40.) Sending rings to the nine senior faculty at Yuletide, with the return address "Voldemort", is not funny.
41) Insisting that the school acquire computers and network the buildings is a pointless request as they claim that a quill and parchment is sufficient.
42) Calling in the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts and poltergeists.
43) I may not have a private army.
44) I must not substitute chocolate-flavoured laxative for Professor Lupin's prescription-strength chocolate.
45) Nor am I to in any way substitute, alter, hide, or otherwise tamper with Professor Dumbledore's candy.
46) I am not the wicked witch of the west.
47) -I will not refer to Professor Umbridge as such either.
48) I will not melt if water is poured over me.
49) -Neither will Professor Umbridge.
50) I shouldn't use Photoshop to create incriminating photos of my house prefects or tutors.
51) I will not enchant the Golden Snitch to fly up the nearest fan's nose.
52) I do not know the Avada Kedavra curse, and pretending I do to people who annoy me is not funny, no matter how much they injure themselves diving for cover.
53) I will not test my Potions assignments by spiking Snape's drink with them.
54) - Especially not all of them at once.
55) I will not try to hock off my old piercings as "priceless Muggle artifacts."
56) I will not claim my X-Files tapes are "Auror Training Videos."
57) Professor Snape definitely does not have pointed ears, and under no circumstances is he to be addressed as 'Spock'.
58) I am not able to see the Grim Reaper, nor am I to claim that he is standing by the Headmaster, tapping an hourglass and looking at him impatiently. Or, for that matter, Harry Potter.
59) When being interrogated by a member of staff, I am not to wave my hand and announce 'These are not the droids you are looking for'.
60) Thestrals do not resemble the Muggle toys known as 'My Little Pony'.
61) The four Houses are not the Morons, the Borons, the Smarts and the Junior Death Eaters.
62) Despite my personal beliefs, Quidditch would not be improved by the introduction of Muggle firearms.
63) Though they are doubtless more athletic, battle-axes are not acceptable either.
64) I will not claim there is a prequel to Hogwarts, A History that explains about Bilbo Baggins.
65) I will not use the Marauder's Map for stalking purposes.
66) I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintballing.
67) I am not allowed to ask Professor Dumbledore if the size of his beard is 'compensating for something'.
68) I will not create a betting pool that Voldemort is Harry Potter's father.
69) Headmaster Dumbledore is of no relation to Willy Wonka.
70) Professor Snape's proper given name is not Princess Silvermoon Fairywing Glimmer McSparkles.
71) Harry Potter and Ron Weasley are not the magical equivalent of "Batman and Robin".
72) I will not play the Imperial March theme for Professor Snape.
73) However, when Lucius Malfoy visits, I may play it.
74) If I insist on carrying out my plans of producing "Riddle-de-dee: The Voldemort Musical", I will do so under a nom-de-plume.
75) I will not attempt to recruit the title character to play himself. Even if he looks good in tap shoes.
76) I should not refer to Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle collectively as "Team Rocket" either.
77) I am not allowed to discuss my theory that Voldemort is actually the second cousin of Sauron.
78) I am not a 'ninja sent here by Lord Voldemort to destroy Harry Potter' and should stop shouting this at meal times.
79) It’s not tasteful to approach Cho wearing a shirt that says "All The Good-Looking Ones Die Young" with a picture of Cedric Diggory on it.
80) I will not yell "Hey look! It’s Lord Voldemort!" at Hogsmeade.
81) I will not tease Voldemort about the time he needed his pink flowery teddy bear to comfort him when he had that bad, bad nightmare about Harry.
82) I will not charm a poster of Britney Spears on Draco's wall.
83) I am not allowed to begin each Herbology class by singing the theme song to “Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.”
84) I will not call Professor McGonagall “McGoogles”.
85) I will not sing the entire Multiplication Rocks series during Arithmancy exams.
86) There is no such thing as the chamber of Double Secret Probation.
87) My name is not “the Dark Lord Happy-Pants,” and I am not allowed to sign my papers as such.
88) Bringing fortune cookies to Divination class does not count for extra credit.
89) I will not douse Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak with lemon juice to see if he will become visible while wearing it and standing by the fire in the common room.
90) I will not tell first years they should build a tree house in the Whomping Willow.
91) I will not teach the house elves to impersonate Jar Jar Binks.
92) I will not give Gryffindors pixie sticks.
93) I am not allowed to refer to Susan Bones, Hannah Abbot, and Justin Finch-Fletchley as Blossom, Buttercup, and Bubbles.
94) A time turner is not a flux capacitator. I should therefore not try to install it in a Muggle car.
95) I shall not refer to DADA professors as canaries in a coal mine.
96) When fighting Death Eaters in the annual June good vs. evil fight I will not lift my wand skyward and shout “There can only be ONE”.
97) A wand is for magic only, it is not for picking noses, playing snooker, or playing drums. No matter how bored I become.
98) It is generally accepted that cats and dragons cannot interbreed, and I should not attempt to disprove this theory no matter how wicked the results would be.
99) 42 is not the answer to every question on the O.W.L.S.
100) I am allowed to have a cat, rat, toad, or an owl. I am not allowed to have reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or piranha.
101) No matter how good an Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.
102) I will not refer to the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor as Kenny, even if he is wearing an orange anorak.
103) Dumbledore is not Gandalf, and the Triforce is not hidden in Hogwarts.
104) Do not confuse Aragorn, Eragon and Aragog. Ever.
105) I may not introduce Nagini to Indiana Jones.
106) Challenging Ron to a slug-eating contest is just mean.
107) Under no circumstances am I allowed to refer to Voldemort as "Baldy".
108) Even if he is.
109) I am not allowed to tell the first years to have a staring contest with the Basilisk.
110) I am prohibited from sprinkling glitter on Draco Malfoy, dying his hair, and call him Edward.
111) I am not allowed sell Mrs. O'Leary to Hagrid.
112) I will not give Professor Lupin a collar as a Christmas or birthday present.
113) Saying "I think I 'taw a puddytat!" every time I see Professor McGonagall is most certainly NOT allowed.
114) Offering Voldemort a colonial-era powdered wig (complete with ponytail) will not amuse him and I am not allowed to do so, even if he needs a new hairdo.
115) I am not allowed to paint the school neon pink as the only person it will amuse is Professor Umbridge.
116) I must not introduce Voldemort to a psychiatrist as it is likely to result in him having a temper tantrum.
117) I am not allowed to introduce the Cullens to Professor Lupin.
118) I am not allowed to tease Professor Lupin about his 'time of the month'.
119) I shall not play match-maker for Voldemort on Valentine's Day because it will only make him cry when no one will go out with him because of his lack of hair.
120) I am not allowed to be a match-maker for Shelob and Aragog either.
121) I will not arrange a battle to the death between nine Hungarian Horntails and the Nazgul.
122) I will not scream, "HIS NAME IS EDWARD!" any time I hear the words Cedric Diggory.
123) I will not ask the centaurs if they know where Chiron is because I have found a demigod.
124) I will not shout at dinner times that Darth Sideous is Voldemort's uncle, even if they do look alike.
125) I shall not try to persuade everyone that Percy Weasley's true name is Percy Jackson and he slays monsters with a pen for a living.
126) I will not sing 'I'm a Survivor' after the Battle of Hogwarts.
127) No matter how fun it looks, I will not stand on a table and do the Macarena at the Yule Ball.
128) Professor Lupin is not the magical equivlant of Wolverine and I am not allowed to address him as such.
129) Even if I'm bored, I am not allowed to ask Snape what the mysterious ticking noise is.
130) I will not dye Harry's hair pink or give him brown contacts, just because I am sick of black-haired, green-eyed heroes.
131) Whether they owe me money or not, I am not allowed to sneak into Fred and George's dorm at the dead of night to die their hair blond, spike it unreasonably high, then call them John and Edward in the morning.
132) I will not send Voldemort white robes for Christmas and claim he changed his name to, "Voldy the White."
133) And when he wears them, I am not allowed to run around Hogsmeade screaming, "AHHH! It's an albino Dementor!"
134) It is not tasteful to send Professor McGonagall a scratching post for Christmas.
135) Bringing a Magic 8 ball to Divination class will only get Professor Trelawney annoyed at your "lack of Inner Eye."
136) To which I am not allowed to reply.
137) I will not refer to the Accio charm as 'The Force'.
138) Nor am I allowed to have lightsaber fights with my wand and make whoosing noises.
139) "Because they both need to wash their hair" is not proof Professor Snape and Aragorn are related.
140) There is also no proof that Gimli and Flitwick are related and I am stop asking Flitwick if he's been swimming with any hairy women lately.
141) Singing 'Hungry Like The Wolf' in Professor Lupin's class is not a way to get extra credit.
142) I am not allowed to write on the wall in the Gryffindor Common Room, "I know where you live" or "I stole all your underwear!"
143) I am not allowed to replace the Bludgers with peas, tomatoes, plums or anything that is not a Bludger.
144) Portable swamps are not funny.
145) And I will not set off the above in Snape's sleeping quarters.
146) Or in the Slytherin's bathrooms.
147) In fact, I am not allowed to even buy portable swamps.
148) Harry Potter is not a Son of Poseidon and saying this every time I see him will only result in him filing a restraining order against me.
149) My patronus is not a Nazgul.
150) Neither is my animagus form.
151) "To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice.
152) It still is not appropiate, even if I have subsituted the flying monkeys with gummy bears.
153) I will not levitate everywhere in a big pink bubble.
154) My professors have neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Sugar Quills.
155) No part of the school uniform is edible.
156) Nor am I allowed to make any part of the school uniform edible.
157) I will not try to take house points from the first years for "being too goddamned short".
158) Especially as I am in no position of authority and Dumbledore would have to be heavily drugged before he would ever make me a prefect.
159) I am not allowed to wear singing holiday-themed ties and claim that they are officially part of my uniform. Especially not during June.
160) Luna Lovegood does not have pointed ears, nor is she to be addressed as 'Galadriel'.
161) Lucius Malfoy also does not have pointed ears, nor is he to be addressed as 'Haldir'.
162) I am not the reincarnation of Merlin.
163)I am not allowed to Accio the clothing of any person while they are wearing it.
164) I am to attend astronomy class and should stop yelling that aliens will abduct me if I do.
165) Hogwarts does not require a karaoke machine.
166) No matter how much I would enjoy watching Harry sing "Saturday Night."
167) "Defying my will" is not a crime worthy of life in Azkaban, and I should not tell that to the first-years.
168) I will not speak to Professor Snape with a Transylvanian accent.
169) Nor am I to ask if he is Carlisle Cullen's evil, unfortunate-looking twin.
170) I will not start a rumor saying that Professor Snape sings "I'm too sexy for my robes" while showering. Or for that matter doing any other activity.
171) Enchanting the Sorting Hat to sort new students into the House of Martok, or any other Klingon house is forbidden.
172) Voldemort does not wish to appear as the 'before' for a line of cosmetics. And no, he does not care how much money I make from it.
173) The Slytherin prefect is named Draco Malfoy, not "Rocky Horror".
174) Transfiguring Draco Malfoy's uniform into a gold thong is also inappropriate.
175) I will not attempt to determine whether Malfoy is a natural blond.
176) I will not sprend rumors that Legolas Greenleaf is his second cousin either.
177) Luna Lovegood is NOT always on "psychedelic mushrooms" and I should stop implying that she is.
178) The same goes for Professor Trelawney.
179) I will not get a tattoo of a smiley face on my arm and claim that it is the new Dark Mark.
180) When signing to all of these rules, I am not allowed to write in red ink and say that the Cullens lent me some grizzly bear blood.
181) I will not set my robes on fire to get out of potions.
182) I should not be a sports' commentator for Ron and Hermione's arguments.
183) Hogwarts does not need a "This many days since Harry has almost died" sign.
184) The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.
185) I am not allowed to sing, "We're Off to See the Wizard" while skipping off to the Headmaster's office.
186) I am not allowed to take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.
187) I am not allowed to ask Dumbledore to show you the pointy hat trick.
188) I am not allowed to give Remus Lupin a flea collar.
189) I am not allowed to say that Seamus Finnegan is "after my lucky charms"
190) I am not allowed to start a betting pool on this years Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. It's tasteless, tacky, and not a good money-making strategy.
191) I am not allowed to joke about Remus' "time of the month".
192) I am not allowed to make light saber sounds with my wand.
193) I am not to refer to the Accio charm as "The Force".
194) I will not use my socks to make hand-puppets of the Slytherin-House mascot.
195) If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for more than 15 seconds, I will assume that I am not allowed to use it.
196) I will not lock the Slytherin's and Gryffindor's in a room together and bet on which House will come out alive.
197) I will not charm the suits of armor to do a rendition of "The Knights of the Round Table" for the Christmas Feast.
198) I am not allowed to declare an official "Hug A Slytherin Day".
199) I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music while wandering the hallways.
200) It is not necessary to yell, "BURN!" whenever Snape takes points away from Gryffindor.
201) I will not say the phrase, "Get a Life" to Voldemort.
202) Even though he need one.
203) First years are not to be fed to Fluffy.
204) I will never ask Harry if his Voldie senses are tingling.
205) It is not necessary to yell "BAM" every time I Apparate.
206) I will not steal Gryffindor's sword from Dumbledore's office and use it to patrol the hallways.
207) I will not poke Hufflepuff's with spoons, nor shall I insist that their colors indicate that they're "covered in bees."
208) "I've heard every joke possible about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.
209) If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.
210) House Elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.
211) I will not start every potion's class by asking Snape if the potion is acceptable as Body Lotion.
212) I will not dress up as Voldemort on Halloween.
213) It is a bad idea to tell Snape he takes himself too seriously.
214) I will not tell Sir Cadogan that The Knights Who Say Ni have challenged him to a duel, then have all the students say, 'Ni' from various directions.
215) I am not the King of the Potato People and I do not have a flying carpet.
216) I will not attack my fellow classmates.
217) I will not make an impossible riddle for people to give an answer to enter the Ravenclaw area.
31 ways to maintain a healthy level of insanity.
1: At lunchtime, sit in you car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2: Page yourself over the intercom. Do not disguise your voice.
3: Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
4: Put a garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".
5: Put decaf in the coffee maker (home or work). When everyone gets over their caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.
6: In your memo book, on all your checks, put "FOR SMUGGLING DIAMONDS".
7: Finish all your sentences with "In Accordance To The Prophecy".
8 Dont use any punctuation
9: As often as possible, skip instead of walking.
10: Order diet water whenever you go out with a serious face.
11: Specify that your drive-thru order is "TO GO".
12: Sing along at the opera.
13: Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14: Put mosquito netting around your work area (or room) and play tropical sounds all day.
15: 5 days in advance, tell your friend that you can't go to their party 'cause you don't 'feel like it'.
16: Have friends or coworkers address you by your wrestling name "Rock Bottom".
17: When the cash comes out of the ATM yell, "I WON! I WON!"
18: When exiting the zoo, start running toward the parking lot, yelling, "Run for your lives! They're loose!"
19: Tell your children (or younger sibling) that "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
20: Skip home while singing "Friday" at the top of your voice on every day except Friday.
21: Pole dance on a stop sign while screaming.
22: Go out to the middle of the road and start doing the Hokey Pokey.
23: Sneak up behind your friend, put a hand on the top of their head, and slice your hand across their neck while whispering "ninja".
24: Take pictures of every sign you see.
25: Yell out random things to others walking home.
16: Yell out "HIPPO JUICE!" (This is fun)
27: Give a BJ to a stick in front of a police officer. (I'm not sure about this one.)
28: Pick up every leaf you see and rub it on your face. (Difficult to do in the Autumn)
29: Sit in front of a random person's door and hum the Mission Impossible theme song.
30: Go up to a random person and say "Luke I am your father." And if it turns out their name really is Luke, burst out laughing and then say (with a straight face), "But wait you don't look anything like the son of Hermes..."
(This is cool because my name may be Luke. Maybe)
31: And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity is... Copy this and put it on your profile
99 Fun Things to do at WalMart(We don't have WalMart in Australia, but Kmart or BigW works, too)
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing football; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Try on bras in the sewing/fabric department.
6. Try on bras over top of your clothes. (This would get funny looks I'd imagine. I'm Male.)
7. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible "Sex and candy".
8. Tune all the radios to a polka station, turn them all off and turn up all the volumes to the max.
9. Play with the automatic doors.
10. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
11. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this shit, anyway?"
12. Repeat #11 in the jewelry department.
13. Try putting different pairs of women's panties on your head and walk around the store casually. (I can't imagine this with a straight face. Might work better if you actually are a woman.)
14. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins.
15. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
16. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"
17. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
18. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "I'm Batman. Come, Robin- to the Batcave!" (Fun.)
19. TP as much of the store as possible. (Expensive, but worth it.)
20. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
21. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hell" upside down.
22. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
23. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
24. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
25. Take bets on the battle described above.
26. Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. G.I. Janes. (Red lipstick might give an interesting effect!!)
27. While no one's watching quickly switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the rest room. (Hard to do if they're painted on.)
28. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."
29. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
30. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
31. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
32. Two words: Marco Polo. (My friends got kicked out of Kmart while doing this. Good times.)
33. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle,etc.
34. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
35. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "the fat man walks alone," and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them.
36. Go to an empty checkout stand and pretend to check people out.
37. Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying "Good girl, good Bessie."
38. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
39. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
40. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially in narrow aisles.
41. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
42. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
43. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"
44. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"
45. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."
46. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
47. Get an empty book, and say it's a guest book. Get people to sign.
48. Play a game of indoor freeze tag.
49. Run around screaming, "The British are coming!"
50. Have a team race with your friends- one person sits in the cart, the other pushes.
51. Go to the checkout and buy a bar of candy. Repeat, going to the same cash register, until the clerk notices.
52. Fill your cart up as much as possible, and then try to use the express lane.
53. Use a bullhorn and occasionally say that there is free candy in aisle X (aisle X being the condom aisle)
54. Run into a pyramid of cans, heroically saying "I'm gonna save us from that bomb!"
55. Use a conveyer belt as a treadmill and lose some weight.
56. Grab heavy but not too heavy objects, and see who can throw them the most aisles over.
57. Randomly direct people to the deodorant section.
58. Tell someone that you will sue for false advertising, since they do not sell walls.
59. If people aren't looking at their cart, steal it.
60. Repeatedly say "The clowns are not eating me."
61. Rearrange items as you see fit.
62. Take a full set of guy's clothes and a full set of gal's clothes, then leave them lying somewhere. (Messily.)
63. Put pokemon stuff in a cart that is full of stuff like KORN and Limp Bizkit CDs.
64. Grab stickers that say "radioactive" and put them randomly on food items.
65. Follow someone until they notice.
66. Pull out pins, like that guy from the 7-Up commercial.
67. Sing 'Girlfriend' very loudly, particularly in front of old people. Emphasise all swear words and watch the looks on their faces.
68. Loiter. When asked to leave, tell them you live here.
69. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
70. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code 3 in Housewares"... and see what happens.
71. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
72. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
73. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
74. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
75. Look right into the security camera and pick your nose.
76. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. (This one is actually kind of disturbing.)
77. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look".
78. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
79. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"
80. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
81. Grab a lot of bouncy balls and throw them down the aisle, shouting, "Go, Pikachu, Go!"
82. Pass out bananas to random people and snicker loudly when they take one.
83. Walk around looking confused in the CD section and ask people where you can find the CDs.
84. Start a fish-stick fight.
85. Jump in a cart and have a friend push you while you scream "The Germans are coming!"
86. Attempt to fly off a high shelf.
87. Run up to an employee and ask "Do you like me?" If they say no, yell out "You broke my heart, you evil monster! I'm telling the manager!" and start throwing canned tomatoes at them. If they say yes just to get you away, pat their shoulder, and say, "What a shame because that girl over there"-point to a random person-"was just about to ask you to dinner."
88. Throw confetti on random people walking into the store.
89. Whisper "I know your 'little' secret" to people in the checkout lines.
90. Stand inside the freezer in the frozen food section.
91. Walk up to employees and whisper "I saw dead people... they want me to take you away...to aisle eight..."
92. Ask the clerk to make a page that says, "If there is an Edward in the store, Bella is looking for you at the main info desk." (This works best if you love Twilight, and DON'T try with Maximum Ride) (I don't love Twilight, but a heap of people in my town do, so this could be fun.)
93. See how many cans of frosting you can open and thoroughly lick without getting caught.
94. Go to a person with a shopping cart full of merchandise and demand a ride in the basket.
95. Practice your juggling with a few Grade-A eggs.
96. Squeeze the cream-filled doughnuts.
97. Walk into the baby clothes section, pick up a pink baby dress, then throw it down and run away screaming that the pink bunnies of doom came back.
98. Bow to the display of TVs in the electronics section.
99. See if you can move the bottom can from the gigantic canned beet pyramid.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE A BOOK ADDICT IF...
1. You can randomly open to a page and know exactly what's going on. (Depending on the book.)
2. You read until 4 A.M., then get back up at 7 to continue reading.
3. You write fanfictions about the book.
4. You try to get all of your friends (and everyone else in the entire world) to read it.
5. You accidentally call everyone by the character's names. (I still haven't done this with my OC story. Yet...)
6. Everything reminds you of the book.
7. You quote random lines all the time. (Yes, this is a superspecialawesome thing to do)
8. You try to do things that the characters do, even though you know you can't. (like, um, magic powers, or taking a Fangish vow of silence, or trying to break Nudge's talking record)
9. You've gotten incredibly bored in class, and debated on doing something your favorite character can do to escape the class
10. You've got pictures of the characters on your iPod.
11. You've got a book memorized.
12. You've read a book more than five times.
13. You've read a book with 400 pages in less than two days.
You've planned and prepared a siege on a writer's house because he/she killed a character you like.
You've plotted to murder a character and steal her boyfriend.
You hate it when someone calls your favorite character fictional (e.g. Too bad Caine is fictional)
(Actually, I hate it when my Atheistic friends call Jesus or Muhammad or some religious character like that fictional, because they weren't. Weather you believe what they said or was said about them is important, but blatantly denying the person's existence is very bad when they clearly did exist.)
You blatantly deny it when someone calls a character fictional. (Who wouldn't??)
You check your back every morning in the mirror to see if you've sprouted wings and can join the flock.
You've found yourself trying to impersonate a character.
Your idol is a character from a book.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE AN AUTHOR IF...
You talk to yourself a lot. (A lot meaning all the time...)
You talk to yourself about talking to yourself. (e.g. 'Why do I constantly ask myself random things?')
When you talk to yourself you often talk to yourself like you're talking to someone else. (e.g. 'Have you ever noticed that deliver could mean someone's liver?')
After uttering a profound piece of wisdom like that above, you stare at the cookie in your hand with awe and say, "Wow, this stuff is great for sugar highs...'
You live off of sugar and caffeine (the two greatest things ever discovered!)
You'll check your e-mail every day of the week and then disappear off the face of the earth.
Your e-mails tend to be pages long and incredibly random.
When replying to an e-mail, you'll never actually address the point of it.
You tend to collect Bic Stics (or in my case, pencils) off the ground like pennies.
No matter where you are in a room you never have to get up to find a pen/pencil and paper.
The letters on your keyboard are wearing off.
Your friends and family think that you have carpal tunnel syndrome.
People think you have ADHD.
You think it'd be cool to have ADHD.
You start talking in third person, present tense, or past tense.
You start thinking about making lists like this and start giggling for no "apparent" reason
Your friends stopped looking at you funny when you laugh for no apparent reason a loooooong time ago.
And FINALLY, the one way to tell if you're a good writer: You failed English 101. (Actually, I am apparently good at English, and I don't even try. Meh.)
You Know You’re Obsessed With Percy Jackson When…
You go to the Empire State Building and ask for the 600th Floor.
There’s a thunderstorm going on and you scream, “CALM DOWN, ZEUS!”
Every time you use the Internet, you thank Hermes.
When you see Harry Potter, you think of Percy with glasses.
When you see an owl, you go, “Hi Athena!”
You go on a cruise and you hope the boat isn’t the Princess Andromeda.
You’re on a boat and you pray that Poseidon is in a good mood.
Bring a blue plastic hairbrush with you everywhere.
When it gets really cold randomly, blame Kronos.
You get a Greek mythology calendar for Christmas.
You don't read anything but PJO for three months.
You've gone to Google maps and looked up Camp Half-Blood’s address.
Even though not diagnosed, you claim you have ADHD or dyslexia and blame it on your godly parent.
You yell "Annabeth!" every time you see a NY Yankees hat.
Anytime you see an orange shirt, you look at the front of it to see if it's a Camp shirt.
You are a PJO character for Halloween.
Recite lines randomly from the books.
When you see/hear about anything mythology-related, you talk about how it was in PJO (what page, book, etc.) and what happened to it. (Yes. It gets confusing for some people.)
You are going to the Camp Half-Blood in Texas.
You claim that Percy IS real and lives in New York no matter how much your friends argue with you.
You have dreams about PJO characters/events.
You carry a ballpoint pen in your pocket.
Every time you pick up a pen, you think it'll turn into a sword.
Whenever your internet slows down, you yell at the sky and say "HERMES! WHY DO YOU LOVE ANNOYING ME?!"
At the beginning of your first History class, you burst out, "Will we be studying Greek mythology?!"
You pretend to (or actually) faint when someone asks "Who's Percy?"
When someone mentions the name Percy (like Percy Weasley) you (mentally) scream "JACKSON!"
You are known to scream names of the characters at random times.
You've got a copy of one of the books at all times in case of emergency.
You pray to Athena when you don’t study for a math test. And when you flunk said test, you blame her irritation on Percabeth.
When you steal your friend's pen you believe it's justified because your dad is the god of thieves, and you thought it was Riptide and had to check to make sure Percy was still alive.
You write PJO fanfiction constantly, even when you're not at your computer.
When your mom grounds you from the computer, you blame it on a combination of Nemesis, Hera and Hermes' little joke.
You want Hephaestus to fix your iPod when it breaks.
You give all your friends godly parents.
You spend time doing pointless research, just because Rick Riordan linked it on his site.
You think Percy's extended family needs extensive therapy.
You want Kronos buried under Witchita, Kansas, in a safe deposit toothpick box. No one will ever look there, and hopefully he'll be too tiny to bother the locals.
You blame your little brother's desire to turn off your Internet in the middle of this review on Hermes' anger that you've joked about all of them.
You imagine random unwritten PJO moments during class and laugh. When one brave soul unaware of your obsession broaches the question of why you were laughing, you try to explain.
They think you are nuts because you are laughing at Hades' wild card of Nico.
You go on YouTube and look at PJO themes for characters.
You read page 287 of BotL over and over again or say the lines in your head.
Your Internet homepage is Rick Riordan's blog.
You crack up if anyone mentions the word Canada or Canadians.
You get other people obsessed.
You spend most of your time thinking what will happen in HoH.
You know exactly what someone means when they say LT, SoM, TC, BotL, TLT, SoN, TLH, MoA, and PJO and use it in conversations.
When someone dies, you give them a sack of red rubber balls for Cerberus.
Every time you see a guy in a wheelchair you think "Chiron!”
You find yourself saying things like "Oh my gods!" and "What the Hades?"
When you burn yourself, you curse Hephaestus.
You go up to a teacher in a wheelchair and say, "I know who you really are, Chiron…"
You checked to make sure your principal doesn’t have a tail.
You know which pages the good parts are on.
You suddenly hate thunderstorms.
You start hearing Percabeth in every song you hear.
You started calling your dog Mrs. O’Leary.
You start figuring out who your godly parent is. (Apollo or Athena)
You never looked at a ballpoint pen the same way again.
You ask the cashier at the store if they stock Mythomagic cards.
You start doing pro/con lists in your head. During Math. When you’re supposed to be taking notes.
When the three-month countdown starts, you check every fansite you know of every day for new information.
You try to figure out how much food dye you need to turn chocolate chip cookies blue. (Four drops for every three cookies)
You make references to it in school reports and/or to friends that haven’t read it.
The first thing you ask someone when you meet them is, “Have you read PJO?”
You know PJO better then most sane people.
You add things to the list every day.
You know what you would do if you were Percy.
You wish you could find a rainbow to see if Iris messages work. (Although I don't have a golden drachma.)
You're trying to learn Greek.
You think of Percy every time you see a dark-haired green-eyed boy.
You have a crush on Nico.
You just have to research more about Greek mythology.
You want to learn Latin.
You have one or more things related to PJO on your school stuff, and if someone asks you why, you tell them.
You call yourself a demigod.
You wish with every fibre of your being that the first page of The Lightning Thief told the truth, and the PJO series is real.
You’re nodding and smiling when you read this.
You are planning on adding a lot more things to this list.
You copy/paste this onto your profile.
MURPHY'S LESSER-KNOWN LAWS:
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
4. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90 probability you'll get it wrong.
7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
9. The things that come to those who wait, will be the things left by those who got there first.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
11. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
12. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Please do not annoy the writer. She may put you in a book and kill you.
Death is God's way of saying you're fired. Suicide is humans way of saying you can't fire me, I quit.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
The spontaneous rally will begin at 1:45.
I don't suffer from insanity I enjoy every minute of it.
If you always stop to smell the roses sooner or later you'll inhale a bee.
If Tylenol, duct tape, and a Band-Aid can't fix it, you have a serious problem.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who make it happen, those who watch it happen, and those who don't know what the hell is happening.
Today is a beautiful day. Now watch some idiot screw it up.
Today I was in the library and I got bored, so I picked up the Bible and started reading it. Some random guy walked up to me, pointed to the book and said, "The main character dies..." Then he walked away.
Basic Definitions of Science: If it crawls, it's biology. If it smells, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics.
When life gives you lemons make grape juice and let the world wonder how the hell you did it.
I AM NOT CRAZY! My reality is just different than yours.
When life gives you lemons squeeze them in some body's eyes and RUN!
"Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!"
"Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings."
I ran into my ex the other day, then I put the car in reverse and ran over him again.
Life isn't about the number of breaths we take, but the moments that take our breath away. Like choking.
There are plenty more fish in the sea, but who wants to go out with a fish?
Some people are like a slinky. They have absolutely no use, but you can't help smile when you see one fall down the stairs.
"I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it."-Jack Hadney
"We have just enough religion to make us hate, but not enough religion to make us love one another."-Jonathan Swift
I'm a little teapot short and stout; here is my handle, here is my... other handle? Shit. Now I'm a sugar bowl.
"You don't raise kids, you civilize 'em."-KJtheElmTree's Mother
If the dark side has cookies and the light side has chocolate, does the middle have chocolate cookies? Go Middle!
I intend to live forever, or die trying.
Normal people are weird.
You're only crazy if you're crazier than I am.
Some people are only alive because it's illegal to kill them.
If idiots could fly, this place would be an airport.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Don't knock on death's door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.
A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
"Everyone’s crazy, it's just the sane ones that admit it."
"I'm not clumsy, I'm gravitationally challenged."
"Normal people bore me."
"Boyfriends are like a pair of shoes, you wear them until they're wore out, then you get a new pair, or go barefoot. I prefer to go barefoot."
I ran with scissors… and lived!
One way to figure out how things work- push all the buttons!
If at first you don't succeed, cheat!
The problem with democracy is that some people are stupid, but the problem with dictatorships is that all dictators are stupid.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
I didn't trip. I was just testing gravity... It still works.
Secret Admirer? More like a stalker with stationary.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Nobody's going to win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
Sarcasm is my automatic response to stupidity.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
It takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile and only 4 to reach out and slap someone.
Life isn’t passing me by, it’s trying to run me over.
Heaven doesn’t want me, and Hell’s afraid I’ll take over.
Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
Never take life too seriously, no one comes out alive anyway.
Your multiple personalities are freaking out my imaginary friend!
People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
Why ask why?
If Walmart is lowering prices daily, then how come none of it is free yet?
Why does the psychic hotline ask for your credit card number? Shouldn't they already know it?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
If scientists were ever going to figure out how to travel through time, wouldn’t we now be seeing people from the future?
Why do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then have them read about wars in school that solved America's problems?
If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches? ·
What disease did cured ham have? ·
Why do we say we “slept like a baby” when babies wake up every hour and a half?
Why do alarm clocks “go off” when they start making noise?
Instead of “All things in moderation,” shouldn’t it be “Some things in moderation”?
Why do we yell “Heads up!” when we should be yelling “Heads down!”?
Why is it called quicksand when it sucks you down very, very slowly?
When French people swear, do they say, “Pardon my English”?
Why is it called the Department of the Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Why are they called marbles if they’re made out of glass?
If everyone lost five pounds at the same time, would it throw the Earth out of its orbit?
What color hair do bald men put on their driver’s license?
How do you know when it’s time to tune your bagpipes?
How do you throw away a garbage can?
Why do we put our suits in a garment bag and our garments in a suitcase?
When two airplanes almost collide, why is it a “near miss”? Shouldn’t it be a “near hit”?
How can something be both “new” and “improved”?
Why do we shut up, but quiet down?
How did the “Keep Off the Grass” sign get there in the first place? (Hypocrites!)
Calling me STUPID won't make you SMART,
Calling me WEAK won't make you STRONG,
Calling me UGLY won't make you PRETTY,
Calling me POOR won't make you RICH,
Calling me FAT won't make you THIN,
Calling me FRIENDLESS won't make you POPULAR,
Calling me CRAZY won't make you SANE,
So why bother?