Important announcement: As of 10/14/2023, I will no longer be posting any of my work on FFN. Between the formatting challenges and several limitations of the site I don’t like, I just don’t feel it's a good fit for me anymore. My work remains here for archival purposes only. You can still find me on AO3 and Wattpad under Frau_Wilhelm_Klink & on the SquidgeWorld Archive as Robert_and_Wilhelm. (Website without the spaces is www. squidgeworld .org).
A little bit about me:
Hey, welcome to my profile! My name is Crystal and I’m an American female in my early 30s. I was born and raised on the West Coast where I currently live. I’m a European mutt when it comes to my ancestry; I’m 1/2 Irish, 1/4 Dutch and 1/4 German. (My dad was actually born in Stuttgart, West Germany when the Berlin Wall was still up.) Someday, I want to travel to various countries and explore. I love history and enjoy learning new historical facts, but my favorite time periods are World War II, Ancient Egypt and the Civil War.
I like alternate history stories, the Downfall Parodies, SpongeBob SquarePants, Family Guy, and the Harry Potter series. (JKR is probalematic, but there’s this thing called separating the content from the creator.) I’ve considered myself a Slytherin from the start. My OTP in the HP fandom is Dramione (Draco Malfoy/Hermione Granger). In SBSP, my favorite is Squidward Tentacles because he’s so relatable, and in FG my favorite is Stewie Griffin. I also like many of the classic shows like The Golden Girls, Lost In Space and McHale's Navy. My mom raised me on her favorite music and TV shows when I was growing up, which means most people who aren’t baby boomers don’t have a clue what I’m talking about when I mention them.
My favorite TV show of them, however, is Hogan's Heroes! The cast had so much talent, I’m pretty sure they hogged some that was supposed to go to future generations. I say that because TV has gone downhill and fast. Like anyone else, I have my favorites from the show. Werner Klemperer (R.I.P.) was an amazing actor, and even though I’ve always preferred comedies over drama or war movies, his talent encouraged me to seek out other movies he was in. So far I’ve seen him in 5 Steps To Danger, The Wicked Dreams Of Paula Schultz, Judgement At Nuremberg, Kiss Them for Me and on the show Alfred Hitchcock Presents in the episode "Safe Conduct". I have a lot of his other movies lined up to watch too. His smile when you first see Dr. Simmons looking over the rail in the hotel is creepy as f*k. It literally sent a chill down my spine.
Me as a writer:
So far I only write for the Hogan's Heroes fandom. Since my favorite characters are Colonel Robert Hogan and Oberst (Colonel in German) Wilhelm Klink, those two are the ones my stories will typically be about. I tend to come up with strange ideas, so my work will usually be AU, OOC or both. I always thought there was more to Klink than meets the eye, which shows in my writing. Klogan is my OTP. My second favorite pairing is Newgan (Newkirk/Hogan for those new to the fandom.)
It takes a lot to offend me, so I’ll write just about any kind of rating you can think of, including explicit and/or smut. Most of my planned works will probably be rated M just to be on the safe side. I’m also very descriptive, so my stories will almost always be 5,000 words or more. When I write, I can see everything I'm typing playing in my head like a movie: I can hear the characters’ voices, see their facial expressions, etc. That means they get sidetracked at times just like you or anybody else would during a conversation. It also means I tend to shy away from writing rape stories. If I wrote one of those, I would skip over the actual rape entirely. I’m a big fan of the angst, tragedy, drama and humor stories too. Not big into poetry or song fics, though.
I do take requests for HH stories, although I don’t always accept them. I’m not a fast writer, but like I said, my stuff is always long. If you ask me for a story (especially an explicit one involving sex) expect it to be very detailed! Any and all requests will be posted at: www. youaskediwroteit. wordpress. com/
I usually do everything from my phone, so it’s probably easier just to e-mail me if you feel comfortable with it. Otherwise, you’re at the mercy of me remembering to check my inbox! :) I made a separate email a long time ago (when I used to role-play) just so people who aren’t close friends or family could contact me directly. If you take out the spaces, that e-mail is: slytherinprincessandheir @gmail. com
If any of the links in my profile don’t work, try right-clicking on them and selecting ‘Open link in new tab’. If they still don't work, shoot me a PM and I'll send it to you directly. Oh, and if you know of (or are writing) a good Hogan’s Heroes fan-fiction, then please let me know what it is in a message! The longer, the better. Read on if you want to know how I view the characters in HH; it’ll give you an idea of what you can expect from my work. If you don’t care, well...thanks for stopping by and reading all of this. All notes regarding my already-published stories are listed at the very bottom of my profile.
How I see the relationships in Hogan's Heroes (real, implied and what could be):
General Burkhalter: Burkhalter is pretty cantankerous. It’s not that he hates Klink per se, he just sees him as stupid. Sadly, the general’s got zero patience for BS, and Klink constantly irritates him. Despite the many threats to send him to the Russian Front, you notice Burkhalter never follows through with it! Even when Klink actually begged him to go, he was still told no. If Burkhalter really hated him, he would’ve jumped at the opportunity to be rid of Klink without hearing any whining about it.
He works with Hochstetter because he’s forced to. If somebody else was head of the Hammelburg Gestapo, I don’t think he’d ever talk to the major again. Hogan is somebody else who gets on his nerves, but he respects Hogan as a worthy opponent who’s clever. As for Schultz, Burkhalter seems to be indifferent to him. He doesn’t know the rest of the Heroes well enough – except for LeBeau – to have an opinion on them. He loves LeBeau’s cooking.
Kommandant Klink: Klink had to have been a different man than he’s shown to be in the show during WWI. He wears the Iron Cross, First Class from WWI and the First Class spange from WWII. which was a progressive award. To get those, he would’ve had to first earn the Iron Cross, Second Class in both wars. Those awards were given out for “continuous bravery before the enemy or excellence in commanding troops” according to Wikipedia. He also wears the Luftwaffe’s version of the Ground Assault Badge, which was given to people for “achievement in ground combat”. Klink was an active pilot until his vision deteriorated, so I figure he probably got said badge from fighting in the trenches at some point.
Either way, Klink’s got a grand total of four Iron Crosses. You don’t get those awards by being a coward. I think Klink’s simply too scared of the regime to stand up to them. He keeps hoping he’ll wake up one morning and the madness that’s seized his country will be gone. He’s also a follower instead of a leader because it’s safer for him. But he’s got standards too. That’s shown by the fact he won’t let anyone mess with his prisoners, not even Hochstetter.
I don’t think Klink truly thinks of Hogan as the enemy the way he’s been told he should. If anything, I’m guessing he’d rather be Hogan’s friend instead. Klink just doesn’t know how to go about doing it. And with the war on, he can’t actually say that out loud. The closest he’s ever come to doing so was when he stated, “In another time – in another place, perhaps – we could have been friends.” Plus, it’s got to sting when Klink sees Hogan’s men constantly wanting to talk to their CO, yet his own guards don’t want to be anywhere near him.
I won’t deny Hogan irritates him to no end. But he must be a confident of sorts too, since Klink has sought him out multiple times for advice. I also get the feeling he knows his Senior POW Officer really does do some of the things Hochstetter accuses him of; he just doesn’t know how. Klink merely chooses to look the other way just like Schultz does. If he was truly a jerk, he would’ve turned Hogan over the Gestapo the night he caught him – in a German uniform, no less – outside the camp at the Hofbrau.
Klink kisses up to Burkhalter because he wants so badly to be a general. In Klink's mind, Burkhalter is his ticket up the career ladder. A lot of people walk all over Klink because he’s actually too soft to run a POW camp the way the Nazis wanted them ran. All he wants is for someone to acknowledge his accomplishments. But Klink is so terrified of Hochstetter, he obeys orders the major’s got no right to issue due to being outranked. He doesn’t like the rest of the Gestapo or the SS either. Regarding him and Schultz, those two have a complicated relationship at best. Again, he doesn’t know the rest of the Heroes well enough – except for LeBeau – to have an opinion on them. He loves LeBeau’s cooking too.
Now on the other hand, life can be pretty rough in a POW camp. I can see Klink eventually noticing how attractive Hogan is, especially when the man is always all up in his personal bubble. Since no woman seems willing to give him a chance, I could easily see Klink becoming besotted with Hogan and eventually falling in love, although his feelings probably wouldn’t be returned. I could definitely see Klink openly trying to be Hogan’s friend after the war ended as well.
Major Hochstetter: Hochstetter doesn’t like anyone and nobody likes him. He only respects Burkhalter because he’s a general and a close friend of Himmler. But he can’t stand Klink; he too thinks the Kommandant is stupid. Nor can he stand Hogan. If Hochstetter could drag him off to Gestapo headquarters to torture him under the guise of “interrogation”, he’d do it in a heartbeat. He doesn’t know the rest of the Heroes well enough to have an opinion about them either.
Sergeant Schultz: Schultz just wants to go back to civilian life! He “hears nothing, sees nothing and knows nuuuuuthing!” because he has zero love for the regime. That could be simply because his toy company was converted into a weapons factory. He even said “things were so much better under the Kaiser” at one point. He’s shown to hate war quite a few times. I think if he could safely defect to the Allies, he would. I also think Hogan and his team made sure the Sergeant of the Guard wasn’t prosecuted in any way after the war. We all know he loves LeBeau’s cooking, but I get the feeling he sees Newkirk and Carter more like additional sons than anything else.
Colonel Hogan: Hogan is obviously well-liked and well-respected by his men. However, I think he’s either fearless or just plain crazy! Despite volunteering to lead the Unsung Heroes, I doubt he was guaranteed to end up in Stalag 13. It was far more likely the Nazis would’ve assigned him to an Oflag (a POW camp for officers) instead given his rank. Even then, who’s to say the kommandant of said Oflag would’ve been nice like Klink is? (Yes, I said Klink is nice…he never had Hogan shot for being a constant PITA when a lot of people would have.) I think if Klink had more of a backbone, Hogan would get along with him better. But he can’t respect a coward, and that’s what he sees Klink as.
I think Klink is the only other German – other than Schultz and maybe Langenscheidt – that Hogan would make sure nothing happened to after the war ended. He too seems to like Schultz a lot. But while Hochstetter is a ticking time bomb to his operation, he uses Burkhalter’s influence to his advantage. What’s really nice about Hogan is he doesn’t judge others or discriminate in any way. Despite Carter being higher in rank, Hogan makes Kinch his second in command instead. He also seems to rely on Newkirk for just about everything, as well as LeBeau’s cooking skills to aid in his schemes.
In regards to romance, I can’t see Hogan actually getting together with Klink unless he opened his eyes and realized Klink was merely playing a part to stay alive. Then their relationship would go one of two ways: they’d both feel the same way about each other or it’d be unrequited on Klink’s end. They’re both officers of the same rank, after all, and Klink obviously considers him an equal.
In the first one, they’d end up falling in love after arguing a lot about how their relationship could ever work. Which, given the general attitude towards anybody that wasn’t heterosexual during WWII, would be a valid question. Then I could see Hogan being deeply protective of him. After all, he acts that way towards those he considers “his”. A lover would definitely fall into the category! On the other hand, Hogan could opt to take advantage of Klink’s feelings for him in order to gain more favors/privileges for his men. I think he could handle some pity sex here and there too. It’d be nothing but benefits for him; he’d get both sexual relief and extra favors. Plus, you know, blackmail material if he decided to be a jerk.
Picturing Hogan and Newkirk together is a bit trickier because Newkirk is an enlisted man. But Hogan sure has his arm around him a lot, so there could be something there neither one wants to admit to. And since Newkirk isn’t afraid to be honest with his CO, that’d be a refreshing change from the people that are afraid to speak their minds because Hogan is an officer.
Sergeant Carter: Carter isn’t the dummy people think he is. He went to business school and wants to be a pharmacist, so we know he’s pretty smart. He’s just a bit naïve, but he’s also overenthusiastic about explosives! Despite always being messed with by him, Carter seems to be better friends with Newkirk than LeBeau. His innocence helps balance out Newkirk’s cynicism too, and I think his sense of humor helps keep the team’s spirits up when things look bleak. The rest of them all watch out for Carter like he’s their kid brother, but he really seems to look up to both Newkirk and Kinch. He likes Schultz well enough too, yet he only tolerates Kink. He doesn’t ever interact with Burkhalter, and the only time he’s dealt with Hochstetter is when he’s in disguise.
Sergeant Kinchloe: Not much is known about Kinch or how he feels about things. I feel like he’s Hogan’s voice of reason, the one who keeps him grounded in reality when he starts scheming some of his crazier plans. He also seems to like both Carter and Schultz well enough. I haven’t really noticed him interacting too much with anyone else.
Corporal Newkirk: Newkirk is the sarcastic realist of the team. He obviously hates the Germans – and the Luftwaffe in particular – which is likely due to their involvement in the Battle of Britain. He can’t stand the Gestapo or SS either. While Newkirk appears to tolerate Klink only because Hogan makes him do it, he genuinely seems to like Schultz. He and LeBeau argue all the time about stupid stuff, but I think that’s more of a friendly rivalry/way to break up the boredom than anything else. I feel like Newkirk is the one who’s most likely to go out and pick a fight for fun if he could. As for the other Germans, he really doesn’t interact with them.
I can see Newkirk starting out infatuated with Hogan because his CO doesn’t sneer at him or look down on him due to his background. That infatuation could quickly turn into lust before it turns into love. Most officers treated corporals little better than errand boys, yet Newkirk is obviously a valued member of the Unsung Heroes. I could see him doing little things to show Hogan he’s interested in a relationship – and taking it as a personal challenge to convince Hogan to give him a chance – when he sees his CO hesitating to admit he’s interested as well. Newkirk is a huge flirt just like Hogan, so the two of them would be quite a pair.
Corporal LeBeau: LeBeau has an amazing talent to make good food with minimal ingredients! He’s got no love for the Gestapo or the Germans in general for a variety of reasons. LeBeau mentions being strung up by his thumbs by the Gestapo before he came to Stalag 13 at one point, so that explains his hatred of them. As for the other Germans at the camp, he seems to lump them in with the ones who invaded France, no matter if they were there at the time or not.
He always acts highly offended when he has to cook for Klink or any of his guests, but secretly I think he enjoys showing off his skills as a chef. I figure those skills probably make him feel superior to his captors. Like Newkirk, he barely tolerates Klink. Yet he appears to actually like Schultz, even going so far as to give him the nickname “Schultzie”. Like everyone else on the team (except for Hogan) he doesn’t interact with the other Germans enough to have an opinion about them.
Klink's family home (just take out the spaces): https:// /2/items/klinks-family-home/ Klink% 27s% 20family% 20home. jpg
It's described in ‘Meeting The Family, Part 2’ which is Chapter 16 of If You Want To Play Games. I just made it a little creeper. I also made it into a two-story house instead of a three-story one.
I won't be able to post the rest of A Passion Born Of Ice & Flame (the sequel to If You Want To Play Games) on here due to FFN's content guidelines, but my settings on AO3 will let anybody read and leave comments about my work. Or if you feel so inclined to read it, you can check it out on Wattpad instead.