I don't really know what to say here.
If you've looked at my account in the last few minutes... you would have realised that it isn't really there anymore. I deleted it all.
I know that this may seem a bit drastic, and it's not even for most of the usual reasons that people delete ff accounts. I don't have a stalker, I'm not mad at getting flames... I'm giving it up.
All of it.
Slash. Fanfiction. Fanart. Harry Potter. Everything...
I'm not going to pretend that it's easy.. or that it's been an easy decision either. I'm not going to pretend that I'm not tempted to stick with it.. or that I don't still want to do so.
The truth is, I am. I do. I want it badly.
But at the same time I don't.
I'm not really sure how to explain all this. Or put it into words.
I guess I should start at the beginning. Maybe. Perhaps? I don't know.
This decision is one which I have been challenged to make for the past 10 months, I guess. Longer, actually. Um...
I used to post under the screenname 'Tielle Black'. I'm guessing that a few of you might know who I mean. Not too long after I started posting as Tielle, I stopped, said I was stopping because I thought that God wanted me to. And I meant it.
The truth is... I got tempted again... I knew what God wanted me to do. But it wasn't what I wanted to do. And I was too embarrassed by the fact that I was, well, sinning, again, to post under the name Tielle. So I created Diana Moon.
For the past ten months I've been posting as Diana (or Iana) Moon. Both here and at LJ. And I've really enjoyed it. But at the same time, sometimes I hated it. I felt trapped.
On Sunday, um, I was at Church - which is where I've been going every Sunday, for as long as I can remember. And we're looking at parables at the moment.
Anyway, the parable we looked at was the parable of the wheat and the tares (also commonly known as the wheat and the weeds). Apparently 'tares' is a plant that looks exactly like wheat. But, if you open it up, the seeds are smaller and blacker.
Basically, it's saying that there are going to be people who look and act like Christians and yet aren't. Who perhaps think they are, and yet aren't.
And I realised that this was me.
I'd convinced myself that it was ok for me to keep sinning, to keep reading and writing fanfiction and slash and everything, that it was ok, because I was Christian, and... I don't know how I justified it in my own mind.
But on Sunday I was challenged to make a change. 'Cos when God comes back, I don't want to go to hell. And that's the truth. I didn't want to change 'cos I have this amazing love for God, or because I wasn't happy with my life. Actually, I was quite content with it.
But I don't want to go to hell.
It seems so far away sometimes - the reality of hell. Yeah, it exists, and I'm not going to pretend otherwise. And I don't ever want to go there.
Now, that doesn't mean that I need to do all the right things to get to heaven. It doesn't work like that either. Or I'd be stuffed. I'm not that great at doing the right things. I feel like my entire life is one long line of turning back to God and then away from Him again.
But His forgiveness of my sins doesn't mean that I can keep on sinning either. Repentence is an action, not a feeling. It's turning away from what you were doing wrong.
... And now I feel like I'm 'preaching', which I'm not trying to do. I'm just trying to explain myself...
See, even if I could convince myself that fanfiction isn't wrong (which, I don't think it inherently is ... it's like alcohol, some people can drink it, some people can't, I'm one of those people who can't...), I couldn't really say that slash is ok.
I know there are a lot of you who may be reading this who believe that it's who you love that counts, not their gender and all that. I have to admit that that was where my thoughts were going too.
But God clearly states in His Word that homosexuality is wrong. So, if I'm going to believe any part of His Word, I should believe all of it - or else how do I know which is the 'true' bit and which isn't?
All of this lead me to the fact that I shouldn't be doing what I have been. I shouldn't be reading or writing slash fanfiction.
And so I'm here now, and I don't claim that I won't fall in the future and end up reading more slash.. or anything like that. But I'm making a stand, here and now, that I will live for God.
It's not going to be easy. It's not always going to 'feel' great. I know that.
But I also know that it's right. And that at the end, when God seperates the wheat from the tares, I'm going to be wheat, and I can be assurred of my salvation.
That said, I know that there are a lot of you I need to apologise to.
To Elana, for the the fic 'the promise ring' which I told her I would write and now will never finish. To all the others who answered my survey thing who I told I would write fics for and now I never will.
And also, although you may not think I should apologise for this - for everyone who ever read something I wrote, especially the slash pieces.. I apologise for writing them in the first place, and for letting you read them. For, encouraging you in your own reading and writing of slash.
I don't know how well I've explained why I'm doing what I'm doing.
But I guess that in many ways... this is goodbye. I don't know what else to say.
I'm leaving Harry Potter, fanfic, and slash behind. And while I guess I'd still like to talk to most of you... it was all we had in common really.
So, this is it I guess.
-Diana (Iana) Moon.